10 Things You Absolutely Have to do This Summer

Now that it’s summer, I’ll bet that many of you are still asleep as I write this.  That’s really a shame; I started writing at 10:35 this morning.  Do you realize that if this were a school day, you’d have been up for four hours by now? Do you even know how many opportunities that gives you to complain about how tired you are?

But don’t just lie there asleep.  Here are three good reasons to wake up immediately: you aren’t able to read this blog asleep, you aren’t able to tell others to read this blog if you’re asleep, and there could be bedbugs in your bed, especially if you live in New York.  See? That got you up pretty fast.

Now that you’re up, you should start to enjoy your summer. Go outside (never mind that the prolonged sun will cause skin cancer, or that the FDA just released new regulations for sunscreen that won’t take effect until next year).

I don’t want you to have any regrets at the end of this summer, so I’ve compiled a list of things you should do with all your spare time.Food Costume

1). A Large Piece of Food. You should dress up as an over sized piece of fast food, like a ketchup packet, and stand on a busy street corner.  Make a fake menu for a fake restaurant, with odd items such as “The we-packed-even-more-fat-into-a-burger, now only $0.04!” or the “NEW! Unhealthy-shakes: they come out of a faucet with the consistency of buffalo oil; 2 for 1!”  See how many people think you are actually employed at your made-up restaurant.

2). Teach Others to Swim. In a sink or swim situation, 90+% of people will swim or float (unless they just came from your fast food restaurant).  Therefore, the best way to teach people to swim is by throwing them in the pool.  I wouldn’t recommend this with people who can already swim, because they will probably climb out of the pool before you get a chance to run away.

Bug Cemetery3). Visit a Farm. But not just any farm.  Don’t go to one of those tourist farms with the truck rides.  Don’t even tell the farmer that you showed up; just go for a walk in one of his fields.  Try not to touch anything, because all the crops are covered with pesticides that could kill the consumer, that is, if the farmer forgot to get the antidote in the form of an FDA certification.  Also, don’t breath, or your growth will be stunted from the chemical fumes.  Simply relax, take a deep breat-no, wait, bad idea-and enjoy the open fields.

4). Join an International Aid Group.-and rebuild Vancouver, Canada.  Never mind being an extremely modernized city (in Canada, for crying out loud, where the most that ever happens is when someone crosses into it from the US side of the border.  That’s why 43 of the 47 Canadians live so close to the border), Vancouver has shown signs of an Arab Spring recently (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, scan this article).  While the French have valiantly offered to lead air strikes, the I think that sending a group of kind-hearted people to help them rebuild should be sufficient.

5). Make SERIOUS Money Mowing Lawns. If you already have a mower, you are all set.  Go around to your neighbors and offer to mow their lawns.  A good strategy to get business is usually ‘offer, compliment, veiled threat to subject of compliment.’

A lot of insurance companies use this, for instance: “For only 78% of your monthly income, you can insure your house from African Bullfrogs! By the way, you have a beautiful house, a lovely yard, and an absolutely exquisite kitchen-wouldn’t it be terrible if the amphibians wrecked it! That would be horrible! Oh my gosh, the ‘demo’ cage in my truck has been broken out of-the bullfrog could be anywhere! Quick, sign away your estate and be protected!”

You could use this strategy as well, something like, “I’ll mow your lawn for the low price of $4.99!  By the way, that’s a beautiful car you’ve got on the curb.  Wouldn’t it just be awful if I couldn’t find work, got bored, climbed the tree above it, and fell on top of it? What’s that-you’ll hire me?”Parts Store

That’s only half of the scheme, though.  The next part is really genius, if I do say so myself.  You need to have some hidden ketchup packets, some rubber limbs from a Halloween store, and some acting skills.  What you do is you ‘fake’ a slip under the blade, toss the rubber appendage in front of you (I find that arms or legs work best; I wouldn’t recommend a head, because it isn’t as believable) and cover part of your clothes with ketchup.  Then, just before you run, screaming, back to your house, you make sure your neighbor knows that for as little as $3,000, you won’t sue.

6). Window Shopping. This is terrific if there are some expensive electronics that you really wish you owned.  Ask the store owner if you can buy the panes of glass in his front windows.  Make sure, however, you offer less than the electronic item costs.  Assuming the owner has the brains of a dead plant, he will of course accept your offer.  Then you can come back at night and grab the electronics on display, for there will be no window glass to stop you.

Car-sized Catapult7). Build a Catapult. Frankly, I think this has endless possibilities.  Depending on your craftsmanship ability, you could build one large enough for something, say, the size of an annoying little sibling (if you get my drift).  Regardless, this could lead to many hours of fun, even if it is only large enough for a medium size worm.  To double the entertainment potential, point it in the direction of a neighbor’s yard.

8). Find a Pen Pal. Pen pals seem to have fallen out of style, mostly because they never were in style to begin with.  But if you found a pen pal, that might make it cool again.  Heck, you could even start a trend.  Everyone loves starting trends; do you know just how happy Lady Gaga is when she hears of butchers who wrapped themselves in bloody meat and scared away their customers?

9). Go to a Movie. As I continue to write, it is likely I will incorporate pop-culture jokes (unlike the Gaga joke.  Did you actually laugh at that? I hope not.  In today’s economy, crazed butchers are a serious matter, especially if your neighborhood cats start disappearing).  Movies can help you stay current with pop-culture.  Also, movie theaters usually have other people present, in case you are looking for a client for your lawn mowing business (just adapt your pitch; maybe you could focus on a nice clothing item or a young child).

10). Go for a Hot-Air Balloon Ride. I don’t know about you, but if someone offered to take me 1,000s of feet off the ground in a basket elevated by an over-sized garbage bag and large open flame, not to mention having a couple of containers of gasoline in that basket, I’d definitely say yes.  I’d take that over TSA security ‘searches’ and planes with tops that come off (not to mention snakes-see? A movie reference) any day.

Any one of these things can provide weeks of entertainment (especially if you forget how to land the hot-air balloon), but, in the case you are a busy person who still wants to get the most out of summer, I’ve included a bonus, eleventh choice that combines the merits of the ten above.

11). All-in-one Fun. You need to dress up as a chunk of lard.  Then, “acquire” a riding mower using my window-shopping method.  Drive to a nearby farm, and offer to mow the farmer’s fields (“That is a very fine grain silo you got there-it would be awful if it caught fire”).  Then, accidentally lose a couple of toes.  Threaten the farmer that unless he forms a humanitarian aid group and uses his hot-air balloon to fly you to Vancouver, you’ll press personal injury charges (he’ll be intimidated, because, remember, you are still dressed as a piece of lard).

Once airborne, allow the farmer to watch a movie on your portable electronic device of choice.  This will distract him enough so that you can construct a catapult out of gas canisters and matches.  When you are over Vancouver’s bay, throw the farmer out of the balloon using the catapult and see if he sinks or swims.  Then, light your balloon on fire, and crash into the bay.  Ask the first person who rescues you to be your pen pal.

I think that I’ve pretty much covered every possible fun thing to do this summer, but I may have missed a few (such as play Republican Presidential Candidate Bingo).  So, readers, is there anything you feel is a ‘must-do’ this summer? (Please follow my example and keep any ideas legal, or, at least, legal in the Middle Ages).

You might also check out part 2 of this list, entitled “10 More Things You Absolutely Have to do This Summer,” published summer 2012.

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  1. This is hilarious.. you should write books lol!Or even wirte an article for a magazine.. you would really makes some money.. I know that you probably blog for fun, but seriously it would be genius… This inspires me to do more writting about my life as well!

  2. Phil and Ted says:

    I'm thrilled that I inspired you to write more yourself. It can be very enjoyable if you're motivated (and comments like yours are great motivators).

    Thanks so much for the compliment & comment.

    - Phil

  3. your blog is probably the single most hilarious thing i’ve ever read (grammar? who cares.) Anyway, the only problem is that technology is my archenemy, so i don’t know how to “FOLLOW” you. So i guess i’ll just ask you. . . anyway, have you ever thought of making these into youtube videos? i know it sounds random, but i couldn’t stop thinking that these would be sooo funny in video form. (it’s also easier to press the little “subcribe” button than to seach around on your blog to “FOLLOW” YOU. I ALSO WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE SUCH A STALKER.) lol.
    if you need inspiration, look at these youtube channels-nigahiga, HigaTV, Supermac18 (these aren’t mine.)

    • Thanks for the compliment, Jesse. I’m thrilled that you like this blog so much. If you want to “follow” the blog, the easiest way is to subscribe by either putting your email in the box at top left or clicking the subscribe link in the same box.

      I will consider making some videos, although I don’t know how realistic that idea is for me to retain my anonymity. Regardless, I thank you for the idea.

      – Phil

  4. that’s 11 not 10

    • Well, yes, technically, but the last one is simply a combination of the other 10 (no new ideas). If you feel a need, you can refer to this as ’11 Things….’ if you really want to :).
      – Phil

  5. And you should draw a picture for your partents to make their summer better: http://yeeti.com/22678

  6. atfwebster says:

    Maybe I will try this stuff out..it could be fun, right?

    • “Could” be? It WILL be, guaranteed. Ha, well, actually, this is a humor blog, so keep that in mind when you try these things. Perhaps it isn’t a good idea to throw a farmer out of a hot air balloon using a catapult.

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