2 Important Actions You Can Take to Stay Safe this Summer

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As teens, we supposedly have bad judgement. I say that’s not true; I even went so far as to permanently tattoo ‘Teens hav good brainz’ to the bottom of my foot in neon pink ink in protest.

If that is true, though, that means we are never totally safe. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be safer than we already are. For example, are you wearing a seat belt right now? What about a crash helmet? I don’t care that you’re sitting at your computer; you can always be safer.

And so, in the interest of keeping you safe so you can read this blog and promote it to your friends and spray paint it onto the side of your house, I’ve decided to bring you some safety tips.

Now, these aren’t just average safety tips. You won’t hear about “don’t talk to strangers*” or “don’t take candy from strangers.” No, these safety tips cover the important summer things: the life or death situations.

*Interestingly enough, most strangers have forgotten how to have a conversation because nobody ever talks to them. So you probably don’t need to worry. And, if you find a stranger who can still talk, ask him for some candy; for the same reason, most strangers’ pockets are practically overflowing with candy.

Disclaimer: this being a humor blog, you should always take anything we say with a grain of salt. Including when we tell you to take our advice with a grain of salt. And that last sentence, also, where we are telling you to take our advice of taking what we say with a grain of salt with a grain of salt. Look, just go drink/eat a saltshaker and you’ll be fine, okay?

Use that Sunscreen

Why is this important? Well, as you probably know, there is this thing called skin cancer. And even though your water bottle, computer, cell phone, food, toothpaste, science class, and bar of uranium that you keep in your closet just in case may also give you various cancers, by putting on sunscreen you can hopefully avoid skin cancer.

That’s not actually why I’m telling you this, though. No, see, the other benefit of putting on sunscreen is that you won’t get too tan or a sunburn. If you get sun burnt, a number of bad things can happen, although becoming too tan is even worse.

A sun burn can lead to: red skin, sensitive skin, peeling skin, purple skin, yellow skin, turquoise skin, burning skin, dead skin, painful skin, reincarnated skin, zombie skin, or even skinned skin. Plus, it lasts for a few days, which will, like, ruuuuuuiiiiinnnn your entiiiiiiiire LIFE.

If you thought that was bad, then you definitely want to avoid becoming too tan. First of all, being too tan means you’ll look like a freak to anybody who sees you. Since personal appearance is really the only thing worth caring about when it comes to making a first impression with someone you’ll never see again, this means you will forever be thought of as an alien by dozens of people.

Furthermore, you’ll spend the next few days (which is, like, your entiiiiire LIFE) hearing jokes about Jersey Shore, orange the fruit, orange the color, orange the juice, and orange the knock-knock joke, all aimed at you. This will eat away at your self-confidence until you have to go in for therapy and develop an intense phobia of anything orange.

In conclusion: put on sunscreen. Except it isn’t sunny, in which case don’t, unless you want to look like you just climbed out of the mayonnaise jar.

Use that Bug Repellant

During the summer the number of bloodthirsty, evil, hate-filled, war-mongering, hawk-eyed, heartless bugs increases. This is due to the scientific fact that if you go outside in the summer, you won’t freeze to death. Sadly, neither do the bugs.

You really don’t want to get close to the bugs, especially if you are on vacation in a warm place. Often, these bugs are larger than a small helicopter and have a number of stingers, pincers, poisons, or bad songs they want to get stuck in your head. Not to mention that they carry diseases that you’ve never heard of but will kill you regardless (such as West Rocky Mountain Lyme Nile Malaria Virus Fever).

Thankfully, the solution to your problems is this thing called DEET. It stands for: Dear Extra Evil bugs: please leave me alone, Thanks. (Obviously, DEEBPLMAT was both ridiculous and not marketable, so they shortened it).

Most bug repellants have DEET, so all you need to do is use them. However, due to the chemical nature of DEET (be warned: it might give you cancer), you should not put it on your face, exposed cuts, or on your food. On the bright side; if you eat healthy (yuuuuuuuuck), most bugs are smart enough to avoid that food anyways.

So, as I leave you (just a few more spoonfuls of salt, you can do it), a word of caution: if you wear bug repellant and sunscreen at the same time, you may have a hard time convincing anyone that you are actually stupid enough to be a teen.

If you’d rather hear about the fun parts of summer, you should check out, “5 Places that You Need to See, Eventually.” A rare post by Ted, it offers you 5 vacation destinations.

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