The 5 Types of Morning Teenagers

Alarm Clock

No, it says early (erly), not EAL4

You probably have trouble waking up.  If you don’t, I ask that you lie for the sake of my credibility.  Having talked to a few people at school (note: 17 people, in an attempt to disprove the hypothesis that all bloggers are anti-social monsters who have no regards for personal hygiene), I’ve noticed a few distinct trends.

It appears that you either love the mornings or hate the mornings. Those who are in-between were tossed into (fittingly) something in-between a cage and a straitjacket (because if you can’t make up your mind about something simple, who knows where these crazy maniacs stand on important things like healthcare, abortion, or matching socks).

The Hater

We all know one of these.  They wake up, swear crudely and graphically at their alarm clock (“Gee Whilikers, it’s so gosh-dang early!  Jiminy Cricket, clock, why’d you get me up so son-of-a-gun early!  I’ll take your family of clocks and…”), engage in random acts of violence, and leave a trail of destruction in their wake.  Breakfast is usually normal, but if you talk to them about it they generally give the impression that it was some sort of hardware (Honey Nuts ‘n’ Bolts or Frosted Nails are some common choices).

The Modest Liar

This person lies, but, on top of it, they are modest.  If you say you’re tired because you got six hours of sleep, they’ll mention that they only got three, “but I am still able to use one of my two kidneys”.  If you skipped breakfast, they haven’t eaten for five days, aside from the odd brussel sprout, “but my weight has stayed the same”.  If you overslept, it turns out that they are still asleep, and you are hallucinating, “but that’s no big deal, everyone hallucinates.”

The Productive Person

Everybody hates them except for other productive people.  They are the ones who are up before you went to sleep.  Often, their accomplishments in the morning before school include cooking a seven-course breakfast, running a marathon, and inventing the cure for cancer.  Note: When coupled with a Modest Liar, the Productive Person often drives themselves to extinction in an attempt to out-do the liar (“but everyone drives themselves to extinction sometimes”).

The Over-Sleeper

This person doesn’t wake up, ever.  They are asleep during most of their functions of the morning, up until school actually starts.  It is not known how they arrive at school, but they are always in the classroom asleep by the time you arrive.  It is assumed that these people are such diligent workers that they need all of the sleep they can get.

The No-Sleeper

For these people, morning is just another hour.  They don’t sleep on weekdays, instead putting that time to more valuable activities such as procrastination and electronic entertainment.  They eat when hungry, and are currently evolving into a new species of ape.

There you are: the five morning people.  Which are you? Which are your friends? Don’t you hate stupid questions at the end of entertaining writing?  I do, so I’ll stop.  If you’ll excuse me, I must go fix my clock for Daylight Saving Time (I refused to this morning so I could still pretend I got lots of sleep).

How Teachers should Introduce Tests

Each teacher of mine gives a different introduction to tests, but I figured if things were standardized the whole system would work better (and I predict this will happen in the future, so note the futuristic influences).  Therefore, in the spirit of the standard flight attendant dialogue one experiences at the beginning of every flight, here is my contribution.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the bell has now rung.  If you haven’t already done so, please take your seats and place all backpacks under the seat in front of you.  And also make sure that your pencil and eraser are easily accessible.

If you are seated next to a door, window, filing cabinet, or someone who is attempting to read your mind for the answers, please read the special instructions located on page 43 of your student handbook.  Please remember that in the event of an emergency, the test becomes invalid and simply another thing to further raise your stress levels.

At this time, we request that all mobile phones, iphones, droids, ipods, and any other noise making device be turned off for the full duration of the test, as these items will otherwise be confiscated and listed on ebay to further increase profits. We will notify you when it is safe to sigh, chew on your pencil, and count the dots on the ceiling.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr./Mrs./Ms. ___ and I will be your chief test administrator.  On behalf of your future and the school district, I’d like to welcome you to today’s test on ________.  Our timeframe will be one hour and twenty minutes.

At this time, make sure your pencil has been sharpened at least three times so you can have a peace of mind that yes, you sharpened your pencil before the test.  Also, make sure that you are sitting upright at all times; slouchers will be removed and placed in an undisclosed location.  Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d now like to direct your attention to the board.  We will be showing our safety demonstration and would like the next few minutes to consist of the most possible attention teenagers are capable of giving.

When I pass the tests out, you may start.  Fill out each bubble correctly, entirely, and darkly.  There are four exits from this room, one door and three third-story windows.  Please count the desks to locate which is your best option.  If we need to evacuate, mass hysteria and high-pitched screams will be your indicator.  Doors can be opened by turning the handle; windows, by diving out headfirst.  Each door is equipped with a handle, which may also be detached and used to beat senseless anyone in your way of escape.

Oxygen usage is always being monitored and you are charged by the liter.  In the event of a gas attack by ______ [rival school], and oxygen mask will automatically fall from the ceiling in front of you.  To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you.  Place it firmly over you nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally.  Although the bag does not inflate, hopefully oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you have a friend or someone near you who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then take his or her oxygen mask. Because of the new budget cuts, each mask is only good for five minutes, so keep your mask on until I advise you to remove it or five minutes is up.

In the event of an emergency, please turn your tests over and run for your life.

A life vest is located at the supermarket three blocks away.  In the event of flooding, run as fast as you can. Use the whistle on the life vests to play Beethoven’s ninth symphony while waiting for help.  If you aren’t athletic, climb to the roof and pray.

We remind you that this is a non-smoking, non-cheating test.  Cheating off of your neighbors is prohibited and enforced by violence.

You can find this and all other safety and test-taking information on page 44 of your student handbook.  We strongly suggest you read the 109-page handbook before each test.  If you have questions, keep them to yourself.  We wish you an enjoyable experience, and I hope you will come to ____ class again some time.

Ladies and gentlemen, the test has now been passed out.  You may now begin.  May we remind you that talkers will be interrogated, tortured, and given a zero.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are five minutes left in the test.  Please make sure you have answered every question to the best of your ability.  In keeping with my polite tone, I cannot actually tell you what happens if you have failed to do so.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of the test.  For your safety and comfort, we ask that you please remain seated until the bell rings.  This will indicate that the hall’s laser security system has been turned off.  Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought onboard with you, and please use caution when opening the door, as someone may be leaning on it.

If you require assistance, please scream for help and break into tears.  I’d like to thank you for regurgitating your knowledge and I am looking forward to going home and destroying your tests with a red pen.  I hope to see you again in the future, preferably tomorrow.  Have a nice day!”

The Plague of Having No Time and its 3 Stages

If you frequently check this blog, you know I haven’t posted in a few days.  If you don’t frequently check this blog, then you probably aren’t even reading this right now, so I’m not sure why I’m addressing you at all.  Back to you other people, though: I have an excuse.  My dog ate my computer, seriously, and so-oh, wait, wrong post, sorry.  Frankly, it is because I have no excuse, but after missing one day, I spent the whole next day coming up with an excuse.  Actually, my real excuse is that I haven’t had much time to change into my alter-ego of Phil and fight the crime that is not frequently posting.

The medical symptoms of this not having any time flu are felt in three distinct stages for teenagers:

Stage 1-Realization

This is a stage, usually late at night, where we teens realize we have absolutely no time to do anything remotely amusing.  It results in panic, stress, insanity, and often hatred towards inanimate objects such as a clock or a pencil (for this reason, a pencil is not something I’d recommend as a career).  Generally, this stage appears in the end of the middle of the end of the end of the middle of the week.  Various prevention methods have different degrees of success, including procrastination, sleep, and asparagus extract.

Stage 2-Acceptance

This stage usually occurs even later at night on the day of stage one.  Its symptoms include calmness and apologies to inanimate objects such as a clock or pencil.  The acceptance is accepting that there is not enough time, there never will be enough time, and time does not fly no matter how high a building it jumps off of.  This stage has no effective cure, although a rare, endangered species of poisonous coral is undergoing possible tests as such.

Stage 3-Re-Realization

This stage occurs in the morning after the previous stages.  It is a re-realization that not only will there never be any time whatsoever, but that the effects of having no time, and, therefore, getting no sleep, still exist.  Identifying features include difficulty awakening, others misidentifying the teen as a mutation-mold of the mess that exists in the teen’s room, and an inability to remember that the cereal box does not go in the fridge, nor does the orange juice go in the cereal.  The cure is to do jumping jacks in a jellyfish tank, but as this is sometimes deadly, it is recommended to omit the jumping jacks and simply sit in the jellyfish tank.

There you are, reader: my excuse for not posting sooner in the week.  Because it appears I’ve discovered this disease, I’d like to call it Fibromyalgia.  What’s that-it’s already taken? What are the chances of that.  In that case let’s call it “Ihadnotimeosis”.  Actually, in case any of you readers are hypochondriacs, I’d like to mention that this is not an actual disease, so you needn’t worry about this (but I’m sure some pharmaceutical company will invent a drug for it regardless).  However, I just came down with “HowtheheckshouldIendthispostaria”, so I must leave you for today.

The 3 Ways Teenagers Keep a Poker Face

I’d like to start by saying gambling is probably bad.  I’ve been told that it’s bad, I’ve read that it’s bad, and I’ve heard that it’s bad, so I’d have to say it’s like golf: it’s a sport for those with tons of money who want to spend it as fast as they can.

Next, I’d like to move on to the fact that teenagers are probably not very good at poker.  We are extremely adept at solitaire, because that was one of the few games originally offered on the iPod, but poker is not our strong suit (pardon the pun.  If you don’t see a pun, you should go read something funnier, like the FBI warning before movies.  Hoo-Ha, those details are hilarious).  However, poker face perfectly describes what teenagers look like, in addition to being a hit song.

Here is the default teenage expression:Teen Expression

Here is the teenage expression in extremely emotional situations:

On fire:Teen on fireWinning the jackpot of a slots machine:Teen winning at slotsExposed to Owner-less Gum:Teen with GumIn two out of three of those extreme situations, the test teen (whose charred remains are currently auditioning for a toothpaste commercial) kept the same face.  How is this possible?

Firstly, nothing surprises us teens anymore.  Even before somebody who actually deserved a Grammy won a Grammy, we’d gotten used to surprises: the fact that the waiter/waitress still gave us a kid’s menu when we walked into the restaurant (for kids 10 and up), Shrek 4 (I had no idea there could possibly be another sequel coming out, because I thought that Pixar had used every possible plotline-actually, they had, but that didn’t stop them), and the fact that one actually had to be able to drive before one could get one’s license (I always figured I’d learn on the freeway-start tough, fail early, that’s my motto).

Secondly, we teens are constantly under attack by other teens (not with weapons, with emotions).  Heck, teens have mastered the emotional atom bomb.  Why else would we teens have a reputation for being emotional?  The flat face is our defense (unless you are French.  Similar to the French Army’s reputation, French teens aren’t too good at defending their emotions.  Instead, French teens use those funny hats as emotional shields, because their faces always betray their emotions).

Lastly, it makes others uncomfortable, which we teens find amusing.  Imagine you are teaching a class, and you see a bunch of blank faces staring back at you.  You’d be slightly uncomfortable:Classroom lectureStudentsNervous teacherTeacher running away

The same note as last time, wonderful and amazing readers: like the pics? Don’t like them? Find them funny? Comment.  Feel free to comment on any post you have thoughts on.