3 Ways to Do Homework Faster

Speeding Homework signFirst, I’d like to start off with the classic legal disclaimer, ever popular in today’s modern society: Don’t blame me, us, the company, or any other pronouns you can come up with off of the top of your head if these methods do not work, lead to negative consequences, or cause the death of your pet rock.  You forfeit all rights to sue us, me, the company, this body, insert pronouns etc., to the point where you can’t even name anyone in the next three generations of your family Sue, Susan, Susanna, Susanne, or any other names that start with ‘su’.

Glad that’s over with.  See, I’m about to deal with a touchy subject and I wouldn’t want to be harmed in the process by the ‘greater authorities’: speeding through your homework.  The reason this subject is touchy is the fact that it has the word speeding, which is generally associated with breaking the law (“But, honestly, officer, I swear that I was only going 1,834-I mean, 235-I mean, 4 miles an hour!”).

Oh, the other important thing you should know, in case you haven’t yet figured it out, is that this blog probably won’t help you in any way, but will only be here for the purpose of entertainment.  Therefore, without further ado, lets examine how you can speed through your (textbook-based) homework (a slight phrase there that voids math homework and free-reading, but remember, you can’t blame me, us, any other pronouns, etc.):

Bolded and Underlined Words

Most vocab questions and concept-based questions can be answered by scanning only the bold-faced or underlined text.  In fact, it is teenagers who originally instigated this policy among publishers, complaining that the blocks of text looked, like, pretty, like, boring.  To remedy this, the textbook publishers began bolding all of the important words.  This didn’t make it any less boring, of course, but it placated the teenagers, because it allowed them to speed through their homework.

Ignore Diagrams

Unless specifically asked to examine a visual, ignore any and all pictures or diagrams in the textbook.  These were placed in textbooks because teachers complained the blocks of text were boring, and teachers were not placated by the bolding of words (teachers don’t have to do the homework).  Usually, no diagram is as good as your imagination.

Also, ignoring these diagrams is a small bit of rebellion against the teachers, because they were the ones who asked to place the visuals in (and this was a pretty selfish claim.  Remember that this request for visuals was made back in the early days, when people frequently got mutilated and killed trying to meet the demands of the consumer using the most primitive of stamps).

Make Inferences

If you are really crunched for time, or you simply forget the textbook, use context clues to answer the question.  Look for give-away words, such as ‘the’, ‘a’, and ‘existentialistic’.  For example, with the question, “What is an example of a secondary consumer?”, you know that you will be giving an example of a consumer.  Then, since you realize consumer deals with economics, you can understand a secondary consumer is someone who does not initially purchase a product, but then decides to purchase a product because they saw somebody famous using it.  As these people are extremely rare (which is why the number of commercials with famous people using products has increased, to counter the drop in secondary-consumerism), you can lie and write ‘my neighbor, Marge’, because it is unlikely your teacher will be able to verify this.

Oh, when making inferences, also consider the subject matter (the example question was a science question).  This helps you stay realistic, because it would be horrible if you messed up and actually wrote, “I was going 1,834 miles an hour!” on your history homework.  Clearly, you hadn’t broken the sound barrier yet.

Note to Readers: That post I mentioned at the bottom of my last post is now about 7,000 words.  Hopefully, it will be posted next week.

The Story of the Works Cited Page

Works Cited ExampleIf there’s anything teachers love, it’s apples!  How do you think that classic stereotype got started?  But, seriously, teachers also love citations.  They complement an apple’s flavor nicely.  Or is that peanut butter?  Whatever (this joke didn’t really work).

However, full, complete citations are overkill.  Does it really matter whether I accessed a website on June 30 or June 31?  OF COURSE IT DOES!  After all, there is no June 31.  Regardless, though, it seems as if we need to give too much information about each and every one of our sources.  I mean, Publisher/Sponsor?  Clearly, there must be some reason that a teacher wants of all this information, and I think I have figured it out.

Once upon a time, in a dark and stormy night far, far away, there was a fact.  This fact’s name was Bob.  In the middle of this storm, there was a teacher who asked for a citation when the student used Bob in an essay.  So, because citations hadn’t been fully developed yet (once upon a time, life was better), the student used: (Bob).

But wait! The teacher became angry!  It turns out the student had spelled Bob’s name backwards! To compensate for this mistake, the teacher asked for the page number as well.  Since this was a land far, far away, Bob had no page number, so he gave his social security number.  At first, this helped the teacher to identify Bob.

This did not last long, though.  Soon, the almost-fact, named Wiki Pedia, stole Bob’s social security number and impersonated him.  This meant that the teacher now also needed Bob’s place of origin (where he was published).  Bob thought on it for a while, and then, because he was worried Wiki Pedia would steal his house as well, he lied and said, “New York, New York.”  Bob figured there were enough people in New York, NY, that his claim could never be verified (it wasn’t, and that is still a major birthplace for facts today).

More trouble soon arose, because this land far, far away began to install citizenship measures.  To prove he was a citizen, Bob had to give lots of other information, such as his place of employment and year of birth.  After giving these things as well, Bob was left alone until he peacefully died at the hands of a corrupt corporate scientist doing unbiased research in areas that concerned Bob.  I stole the rights to his life story from this scientist, who was too busy winning a Nobel Prize to notice.

There is the metaphorical story of Bob, the first citation.  Any similarities to real people, places, events, or other things are truly coincidental and do not express the views of this blog as a whole, only at this moment in the vast history of the earth.  So, what can be learned? The publishing location is usually NY, NY.  The date accessed is never June 31.  Most importantly, though, remember to never eat apples and citations.

Note to readers: I apologize for not posting too recently.  This is due to the fact that I have a massive, monstrous post in the works that will be illustrated and is currently over 4,000 words at the halfway point.  Hopefully, you will see this post in a week or two, God willing.

5 Ways to Avoid Being Caught with Gum

Caught GumMost teachers allow gum in the classroom, because they realize that they will have a rebellion on their hands if they don’t.  However, for those teachers who do outlaw this life-giving substance, you need to know how to avoid their wrath.  Therefore, I’ve compiled a list, after extensive research (read: I asked my pet dog), of the best ways to avoid being caught with gum.

1). The coughing fit.

When a teacher asks if you are chewing gum, violently start coughing.  Really get into it.  Cough as if you are trying to get your lungs to come out of your throat so you can whack the teacher with them. Then bring your hand to your mouth and spit the gum out into your hand.  When the teacher finishes her inspection, start coughing again, slipping your gum back into your mouth.  Finally, when the teacher sends you to the nurse’s office, tell her that you are fine; you simply had an allergic reaction to the homework assignment.

2). The false tooth.

This involves a massive budget and a few surgeries, but is simply perfect and undiscoverable (no one has though of it until myself, I believe).  Have an experienced (note: experienced) dentist hollow out a tooth and place gum in the newly created hollow.  Move it there with your tongue when the teacher inspects the class, where it will be hidden.

3). The distraction.

Everyone is happy with this method.  All you must do is pass gum out to everyone in your class.  The teacher will be too busy disciplining them to punish you.  The students are happy because they get gum, you are happy because you don’t get caught, and the teacher is happy because she can finally prosecute somebody (most teachers wanted to be lawyers, originally).

4). The soliloquy/monologue.

Again, this method banks on the idea of distraction.  When the teacher asks if you are chewing gum, stand up, walk to the front of the room, and break into a long, symbolic, monologue/soliloquy of Shakespeare’s.  First the teacher will be surprised, then they will be impressed, halfway through they’ll become bored, and by the end of it, the teacher will be asleep (the rest of the class, needless to say, fell asleep around when the teacher became impressed).

5).  Tetanus (aka ‘Lockjaw’).

Tell your teacher, at the beginning of class, that you stepped on one of the many prominent sharp and rusty nails in the hallway, and that you are worried you could get tetanus (explain that a puncture wound doesn’t leave much of a mark).  Therefore, you must keep your jaw moving throughout the class, not because you have gum, but because you don’t want it to lock up.

3 Reasons to Abolish the Heads-Down Vote

This country prides itself on democracy.  Free speech, freedom of religion, freedom to cut anyone in the world off in the hall, no matter how late they are for class.  Therefore, when a decision needs to be made in class, what does the teacher decide to do?  Tax the studen-whoops, no, they take a vote.

That, in and of itself, is fine.  Who doesn’t like a vote?  In fact, we probably like a vote too much in this country.  Senator? Let’s vote.  Community leader? Vote.  Yellow or blue garbage bin lining? A vote, of course.

But that’s not my point.  That is somebody else’s point entirely, someone who has a college degree and doesn’t spend half of their day trying to find a quiet corner to sleep in (you’d think in the library, but no!).  My question is this: why, when the teacher’s have us vote on something in class, do they make us put our heads down?  This causes needless problems.

Mobility Issue

Try it.  Bend down, head down on a table, and without twisting to the side (‘cause you could be peeking) raise a hand and straighten it.  It’s difficult, to say the least.  You could dislocate a shoulder–although that’s why they invented GPS (so you can locate it again).

Along with that, though, one should consider the bending down process.  Especially for people with braces.  While this may not actually affect the flexibility of the neck, lots of teens have braces, so I figure as soon as someone comes up with a reason why this type of movement is harmful and discriminatory to those with braces, a great class-action lawsuit could be filed.  Actually, I just think it would be hilarious to see my orthodontist and his eight female assistants called to the stand to testify against the teachers (backed up by the substitute teachers), mostly because I’m sure that he would offer to correct my French teacher’s teeth for a discounted price.

Heads-Down Theory

The most obvious question is why can’t we see who votes what?  Do we have high school Tammany Halls? Do the teachers think the kids get together after school, form groups, and talk about who voted for picking one’s own groups vs. having the teacher pick, as if us teens actually cared? It is ridiculous that should even be a question; I mean, of course we do.

But really, what’s the harm in letting us see who votes what? What happens in the classroom stays in the classroom (while the students are still in the classroom.  When they leave, well, that’s another matter). I suppose it is to prevent people from voting with the majority of the class, and giving in to the invisible forces known as peer pressure.  However, if the idea is to prevent a majority vote, the teachers should simply hold a filibuster to prevent a vote (why else do you think teachers like Shakespeare so much?).

Voter Problems

A heads down voteThis heads-down method, while it may be to create a fair vote, is actually detrimental to the fairness of the results.  When teens put their heads down on their desks, the thought process goes: yes, I can go to sleep–no, wait, I need to vote–yes, but it is dark and quiet–there is something I am supposed to be doing–no, go to sleep–quick just raise my hand and go to sleep.  This means the first option usually receives the most votes.

Also, with all the motion of changing positions, it is easier to slip the student next to you some “green stuff”, or even a fancy pencil, and tell them what to vote.  This leads to an increase in corrupt voters in future generations, but it also swindles the corrupt teens, because usually the person falls asleep before voting.

Mostly, though, this method doesn’t work because everyone falls asleep (in case you haven’t figured this out yet).

Considering these problems, I’d suggest a new method, in the spirit of pin the tail on the donkey.  Spin the students around before voting, of course.  Then give them tacks and they can place them in various positions around the room (depending on how far they get before they realize they could use the time to sleep).  Not sure how results are tallied, but that is what math is for, right?

What about y’all, readers? Any thoughts? (Note: this is a blatant request for people to comment, made even more obvious by this note.)