Ebook Launch!

Humor EbookIt’s here! High School Humor Blog’s first ever ebook is now available! And, best of all, it’s free.

Go To Ebook Page

All you have to do to get this ebook is subscribe by e-mail.  Then, follow the directions in the confirmation e-mail you get.  If you are already subscribed by e-mail, then look for an e-mail from me (Phil) with your ebook download link later today (if you can’t wait, you can re-subscribe to get the confirmation e-mail with the ebook download instructions).  (IMPORTANT: If you have subscribed by e-mail but are “unverified”, meaning you haven’t clicked your confirmation link, check your spam box or re-subscribe for a new confirmation e-mail).

I highly recommend you check out our ebook page, because it will explain things in more detail, tell you more about the ebook, and may make you laugh (if you read the whole page).

As an added bonus, we’ve even included a surprise at the end of the ebook-if you want to find out what it is, you’ll have to get the ebook, of course.

If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to e-mail me.

5 Places that You Need to See, Eventually

Ways to travelFor some odd reason, people enjoy reading books such as “100 Places to See Before You Die,” “1,000 Places to See Before You Die,” and “How to live for 80,000 years so you can do all that stuff.” I, on the other hand, find those travel books very unappealing.

We all know that the title states “Before You Die” not because the writers assume you will naturally die at some point. It is because you are bound to be killed by malaria, by head trauma after falling down a steep mountain slope, or by the Loch-Ness monster as you try to visit every destination in the book.

But let’s stop talking about death and move onto some sarcastic humor (yes, I’ll be straightforward about the humor. Unless, of course, you’d like me to substitute some random word for ‘sarcastic humor’ every time I use it. In that case, let’s move onto some waffles).

As of about five minutes ago, I, Ted, am a self-declared travel writer. Therefore, I have compiled an enormous list of places to visit. Since most people do not like the time-restraint of death, I do NOT require that you visit these places before you die.

Additionally, my destinations are intended for teenagers, immature adults (who act like teenagers), or immature toddlers (who also act like teenagers). Thus, I present to you “5 Places to See Sometime if You Get the Chance – For Teenagers!”

 1). The Grand Canyon

 This quaint, stunning destination is one of the most fascinating geological features in the world. While its towering cliffs are beautiful and breath-taking, do not underestimate the canyon’s functionality.

For teenagers, a great thing to do at the Grand Canyon is to drop your cell phone down thousands of feet to the Colorado River below!

The reason for this act of phone-dropping is obvious. Say, you have the iPhone 3G, but you’re getting tired of it. Well, if you ‘accidentally’ drop your phone down the Grand Canyon, you may receive the new iPhone 17Q.

Be careful, though; some iPhones are known to amazingly propel back up to the top of the canyon because, according to Apple, “there’s an app for that.”

 2). The Great Wall of China

 It is said that the Great Wall of China, one of the greatest feats of all mankind, can be viewed from space (this is not actually true, but let’s forget about that and move on).

Since the 2012 apocalypse is nearing, it is a wise decision to go visit this destination. Of course, the aliens with spaceships are watching the Great Wall at all times (well, except for the other aliens who are watching US Congress for some comic relief).

Therefore, I suggest you put on some nice clothes and bring a sign that says, “Hey aliens, rescue me before the apocalypse!” Any alien in his/her/its right mind would immediately send down the spaceship to rescue a desperate teenager stuck on planet earth. That is why the Great Wall of China is a fantastic destination that you need to visit.

 3). The Empire State Building

For many years, the Empire State Building has been a well-known icon of the New York skyline. But more notable than the building itself is the famous “Murderous Penny Theory.”

This theory, equal in importance to Newton’s Laws of Motion, states that if a penny is dropped off the top of Empire State Building, it could kill a pedestrian on the sidewalk below.

Hypothesized mostly by world-renowned physicists (4th graders in science class), the theory is still of utmost importance to many high school students; it is about time someone tests the theory.

I personally suggest the same experiment should also be conducted with different items, including live chickens (who says chickens can’t fly?), those thank-you notes you were supposed to send out after your 10th birthday, those little parachute men, and US national debt (the heaviest thing possible).

After your visit to the Empire State Building, I predict that your next destination to visit will be Guantanamo Bay Prison.

 4). The Amazon Rainforest

 The largest rainforest in the world (at least for now), the Amazon Rainforest is host to millions of amazing plant and animal species. Additionally, it is most likely the source of all the homework you have ever received in your life.

Using simple logic, I have deduced that teenagers do not like homework, and less paper = less homework.

Therefore, when you visit the rainforest, a great thing to do would be to prevent deforestation for paper production. One way to prevent deforestation is to tie yourself to a tree, but what if a picture of that got on Facebook? That’d be sooo embarrassing.

The other way to prevent paper-production is just to burn down the whole forest. I guess you could still call this deforestation, but you can’t make paper from ashes, so it is definitely the better option. Upon burning down the Amazon Rainforest, you may face some legal and environmental issues, but it’s completely worth it.

 5). Outside your House

According to the magical land of stereotypes, many teenagers are mindless zombies that stay inside their houses with their eyes glued to television screens as they play Xbox games in which they, coincidentally, kill zombies.

If this is true, and you really have been infected by a malicious virus known as “Call of Duty: Black Ops”, then a great place to see would be the outside of your house.

At this fascinating destination, there are mystical things such as jobs, financial crises, and a great ball of fire called the sun. I really hope you check it out someday.

Readers: That ebook I mentioned is still in the works, but it is coming along nicely.  If all goes well, it may be in stores (or, at least our blog) near you by this weekend.  Best of all, I am glad to announce that it will be completely free; it will cost you no money whatsoever.  That’s good for both you and me, because, after all, who can trust teens with money these days? Actually, who can trust teens with anything these days, aside from one of those indestructible rubber “Kong” toys that you find at a pet store? – Phil

Do You Know the Real Costs of Braces?

Braces are painfulWhich would you rather pay for: a Ferrari, a lock of Justin Bieber’s hair, a toilet made of pure gold, or some metal wires in your mouth?

If you are a weirdo who chose the hair, please go find a mirror and take a good, long look at yourself.  Look deeply inside your eyes, soul-searching-ly deep, and ask yourself: do I have brown hair? Can I make a million dollars on Ebay?

But the real reason I brought this question to your attention is because it proves our parents are certifiably ‘un-cool.’  Who would choose buying your kid braces over a toilet made of pure gold?! (Yes, the cost is about equal if the toilet is toddler-sized).

However, since so many people make that choice, chances are, you, someone you know, a friend of a friend, or your dad’s sister’s great-cousin’s fiancé’s daughter has/had braces.

So, then, the question becomes: is your dad’s sister’s great-cousin going to invite you to the wedding? Will there be CAKE?

Anyways, braces are a huge drain of money, but you aren’t the one paying (your parents are).  The real costs become apparent as you begin your new life with foreign metal objects in your mouth.

The Fact is: They’re Metal

Braces are not made of plastic (if they were you’d have to worry about lead paint from China), drywall (again, I worry about that stuff coming from China), or baby formula (um, worry time); braces are made of metal.

As you’ve learned in science class, metal has a number of properties.  I don’t remember any of them, because I tuned out once I realized that Mr. Anderson wasn’t going to blow anything up.

When you combine the fact that braces are metal with a number of current social and political trends, you have a recipe for disaster.

Metal Bracelet Causing ProblemsBracelets

For instance, a new fad seems to be that teens, mostly athletic boys, are wearing bracelets that are supposed to improve athletic performance.  These bracelets have magnets in them.  I don’t know about you, but for me it is really hard to “athletically perform” with your wrist stuck to your molars.

 Metal Detectors

Metal detectors also create problems (no, they don’t usually register braces, but roll with me here).  Every time you want to visit a federal building, you end up with a dental exam given by some security officer.  This means you get reminded to brush after meals more than those twice-yearly visits to the dentist.

 Rust

If you are one of those teens who have adopted the secondary facial expression of “neck forward, eyes closes, chin jutting out, mouth half-open,” you need to worry about rust and tetanus.  All of a sudden, accidentally chomping your lip becomes a medical emergency.  And if somebody tells you to “bite your tongue,” that’s pretty much a death threat, so let the police know.

Braces are Visible in Your Mouth

-Unlike glasses (unless you chew on your glasses).  Braces can be seen every time you open your mouth, and if you have headgear, every time you remove that paper bag from atop your head (which is included complimentarily with your headgear owner’s manual).Paper bag, a bank, and braces headgear.  What could go wrong?

When you smile for a picture, depending on the resolution of the camera, it can appear that you have disgusting dental hygiene, or that you have a small gray dead rodent in your mouth.

I could go on and on about all of the things braces could look like (a rare but deadly disease, metal teeth, exposed electrical wires, an accident involving a stapler, etc.) but the truth of the matter is that braces are not considered high fashion, nor middle fashion, nor low fashion.

Thus, you will spend the next one and a half to seven years of your life with a number of beloved nicknames such as, “Metal Mouth,” “Brace Face,” “Wire Chewer,” “Orthodontist’s Pet,” and, depending on how un-creative your peers are, “Braces Loser.”  Personally, I prefer “Os metallum” (metal mouth in Latin).

You Can’t Eat

 Now, you should still be able to drink, so you won’t starve to death, but it is difficult for you to chew anything harder than one of those Styrofoam peanuts that dissolve in water (believe me, you’ll be so desperate that you willingly eat that stuff).

A vat of food and a drowned personEvery few months you’ll get your braces adjusted, which is basically where the orthodontist puts stronger and stronger pieces of wire into your mouth until one of your teeth snaps out.  Then the orthodontist will glue it back into place so it aligns with the other teeth (this is the basic principle behind braces).

For at least 24 hours after these adjustments, you won’t be able to open your mouth due to pain and constant blackouts.  No worries, though, because I hear they are working on a method of straw feeding that involves your ear, and, honestly, most people won’t starve to death in 24 hours.

It Never Ends

Once you’ve gotten braces, your teeth will never again be free.  Sure, you’ll get your braces off, but then comes the retainer.  You’ll have that, as I was told by my orthodontist, “for the rest of [your] life, until the sun explodes, or until Shrek 43 comes out, whichever comes last.”

The retainer will allow you to ditch all those lovely nicknames and the part about having metal in your mouth, but new sets of problems arise.

First of all, the plastic, see-through retainers will give you a lisp until you re-learn to talk. “Look, guythh! I finally got my braceth off! Altho, did you know Thally thells theathells by the thea thore?” (One side affect is the urge to tell tongue twisters that make you look stupid).

bacteria on retainersSecondly, when you are allowed to switch to only wearing the retainers at night (after “half of your lifespan, until the sun doubles in size, or until Shrek 21.5 comes out, whichever comes last”) they will become unbearably gross.  During the daytime, out of your mouth, a layer of bacteria will conquer your retainers to the point where, if you look closely for a long time, your retainers appear to breathe and move slowly across the counter.

There is no real way to get this bacteria coat off, aside from maybe pesticide.  But don’t try that at home.

So, in conclusion, it is apparent that braces will ruin the rest of your life.  Most people feel it is worth it, because, on the outside, your teeth will be straighter.

However, it is what’s inside that counts, so just remember, inside your mouth will be, over the course of braces, metal, your magnetic bracelet, rust, the hands of the security guard, springs, rubber bands, Styrofoam peanuts, and Schwarzenegger-size bacterium.

Readers: First, I’d like to thank whoever first shared my “How to Get to the Airport on Time” post on Facebook, and the three  people who have since shared it. I really appreciate it when readers share my content.  

Second, I figure now would be a good time to up the “hype,” and mention that I am working on releasing my first e-book.  I don’t want to tell you too much, but I will tell you it is currently over 5,000 words (about seven times as long as my average post) and will be illustrated.  Although the subject deals with teens (of course), I think everyone will find it funny (except maybe Thomas Jefferson, because he’s dead).

4 Annoying Airplane Regulations For Teens

Would you believe it if I told you that the airplane industry is the most made-fun-of industry? Well, you shouldn’t.  I have no idea if that is true, but I would think that the movie industry, the professional sports industry, politicians, and the scented candle industry are also often ridiculed.

In fact, I’ll make fun of them all: Barry Bonds tried to sell his biography to Hollywood, but they turned him down because they felt congress did a better job of dragging out the least-exciting plot (the one of “Yes, baseball players use steroids”) and because they were too busy trying to convince airport security to let them fly shampoo-scented candles over three ounces to Bermuda to film the fifth sequel to “Scented Candles-Return of the Dead.”

But, as you may know, it is much easier to make fun of the air-travel industry because most people have flown at some point in their lives and can relate to the jokes.

This way, I could say something like, “Some airport security experts are brainstorming a ‘three dunk’ security system, where the passenger would be dumped first in water to destroy any hidden electronics, the second time in a mild acid to eat away any metal or wires, and the third time in glue so that their arms are incapable of moving and causing harm,” and you would probably find it funny (unless you are one of those airport security experts, and I have just revealed a trade secret that you figured would make you rich) because you could believe that this could actually be true.

However, if I said something pertaining to a different one of these industries, it would be harder to make it funny.  For instance, if I said, “Recently, a new set of critics have appeared, complaining that scented candles give headaches,” it would only be funny to scented-candle makers who believe that what they create is better than gold.

So, of course, being a teenager, I’m going to take the easy way out.  I’m going to end this post right here.  Just kidding.  Instead, I shall now make fun of the airport industry.

The “Little Kid” Regulation

No, this does not mean any younger siblings have to fit into three-ounce bottles.  What this is, is an attempt by the airport industry to make you wish you were still a kid (thought up by some non-profit organization with the hopes that if you wish you were five, you won’t pull an MLB and take steroids).

This means it is absolutely required that a 3 to 6 year old child is in the seat behind you on any flight you want to sleep (all of them, of course, because you’re a teen).  This child has been specially trained to kick, scream, cry, and throw pretzels just as you finally fall back to sleep.

The idea is that you will once again wish you were young enough to annoy people without having to take responsibility for it (because as a teen you are expected to take responsibility for naturally annoying people).  With this wish, the previously mentioned “some” non-profit organization is convinced it is impossible for you to develop into a full-fledged monste-I mean, teen.

The “Would You Like Some Help, Little Boy/Girl?” Regulation

Yes, it is true.  Not only will you still be given kid’s menus in restaurants even after you start shaving, each flight attendant is required to ask this to you at least once (four times, though, if you’re flying alone).  Multiply that by the number of flight attendants, and you’ll realize that the education system of the US must be terrible since you can’t even complete that equation without a calculator, smartphone, protractor, and superglue (so I’ll tell you the answer: way too many times).

The “No Electronics” Regulation

 In all fairness, this one applies to everyone, but it is teens that are impacted the most. This is the policy that you can’t use electronics when the plane takes off and lands, and also that you can’t use your cell-phone or Internet unless the plane provides wi-fi.

Honestly, I’m still not sure how I have survived the annual coast-to-coast flight without these essentials; it was a whole six hours without being able to tweet, text, like, share, and communicate in any way with anybody else outside the plane.  Actually, now I remember.  I believe I slept, which is the only other way to pass time.

The “Un-cool Movie” Regulation

 I guarantee that four out of every five airplane movies are “un-cool” to teens.  The movies are usually romantic comedies geared towards adults, cartoons targeting young children, or movies about scented candles (such as “Man-Eating Scented Candles: A Documentary”) to entertain the luggage in the cargo hold.

If you are lucky enough to be on a plane with a “cool” movie, it is one that you have already seen.

Clearly, the air-travel industry is not very teen friendly.  This could be because no teen has enough money to fly with today’s prices (a small lakeside resort or a new luxury car), or maybe because teens don’t have the power or focus or attention span or care or ability or brains or (sometimes) opposable thumbs to remedy these regulations.