3 Ways to Break in Your New Locker

August 29, 2011 By 3 Comments

Breaking a lockerIt’s that time of year again! Guess what? I could say “It’s that time of year again” any second I choose, and still be right, because time is more than a year old!

In other words, that was not a very good intro, and if I were you, I wouldn’t stand for that.  Now is an appropriate time to vent your anger, before you continue reading and are angered again, as too much un-vented anger is the explanation for 4 out of 5 stories in the National Enquirer (“Child Kidnapped by Butterflies and Sold to China” is a good example).

What I meant to say is, school is starting/started.  This means that, aside from every possible negative thing that will happen in association with the start of school (weight of negatives: 7,948,293,345), you will get your own locker (new weight of negatives: 7,948,293,342).

Granted, the interior is incredibly unpleasant, as detailed in Lockers are Not Your Friend, but it is still a positive of “3”.  For those curious, I came up with those numbers by introducing my forehead to my keyboard.

So, while you already know everything about general locker existence, you may not know the proper way to “break in” a locker.

Literally, I Mean Be Literal

First, you should take this literally.

If a part of your locker isn’t already defunct, than something must be up, because lockers are manufactured broken.  It is likely that people with unbroken lockers have been singled out for an unpleasant experiment, say, the testing of carcinogens found in a combination jello and asbestos (aka your school’s mystery meat).

Since this isn’t a good thing, you can avoid the testing by breaking a part of your locker; the hinge, lock, undented surface, or paint is a good place to start.  You could also just unscrew the whole locker block and barricade the hallway, but this is a fire hazard, namely, people will have to set fire to the lockers to get by.

Personalize it

Now that your locker is “normal,” you should go about personalizing it.  To start, you can take a page from the official “Dog’s Guide to Marking Territory (Updated: Even when you shouldn’t!).” No, I don’t mean you should use your locker as a toilet; all I recommend is that you disinfect your locker, because I’m sure that someone, maybe even an actual dog, has, at some point, relieved themselves in your locker.

Recommended disinfectants include Bleach, Lysol, Windex, Raid, or Expired Bleu Cheese.

Along with these common disinfectants, many stores also sell “locker furniture.”  The first person to come up with this was shoved into their locker and then found a fully functioning winter landscape, carriage, lamp post, and various houses, complete with a talking lion (whose name I cannot reveal due to copyright purposes, but I can tell you it rhymed with Aslan).  I believe that was the locker of some author or other.

Your choices include a wide range of products: a mirror, a metal stacking shelf, a mirror-message board, a plastic-stacking shelf, a glass stacking shelf, and a marble mirror-message board stacking shelf.

I highly recommend you pick up at least a stacking shelf, as it does come in handy.  For instance, you can sit on it when you are waiting for the Janitor to let you out of your locker.  You can use it to hold books (assuming the books weigh less than 3 ounces or that you reinforce it with toothpicks).  You can even get apps for it! Well, I’m getting ahead of myself, but I’m sure the iStacking iShelf will come out soon.

The Final Personalization: Odor

The final step in the locker personalization is, of course, odor.  You have only one year to try and create an odor that could become legendary.

On the second floor of my school last year, for instance, there was the one hall with such a legendary smell that they padded the floor with pillows so that when people passed out they wouldn’t get hurt too badly.  And if you believe that, let me tell you that you should vote Richard “Honest” Nixon for president this coming election.

But back to odor.  I can give you some tips, but the odors of true legend, the ones that inspire stories such as “Snow White” (who passed out after inhaling the apple) and “2001: A Space Odessey” (the creators figured that since the audience was probably only half-functioning from their high school locker odor exposure, they could draw out some music and reuse the same 10 seconds of footage to make their movie longer), are original creations.

To get you started, you can use excessive deodorant, globs of hand lotion, sun-dried gum, PE clothes rotted to the point where they are practically alive, and a live, caged skunk.

After completing these three steps, not only are you set to have a less unpleasant year (by “3,” remember) but you also have a locker that you can call your home sweet (and smelly and broken) home away from home.  Plus, if you get enough stacking shelves, you can build an emergency escape ladder for when your locker rises up against you.

Filed Under: Advice, Daily Life, Phil's Writings, Start of School

3 Ways to Make a Terrific First Impression on New Teachers

August 26, 2011 By 2 Comments

A surprised teacherYou want the easy version? Don’t show up.  Ha ha, just kidding, of course.  You know that if you don’t show up, you won’t make any impression at all.  Even though that is probably a better impression (a nonexistent one) than you will make (being a teen).

Three things contribute to this, the fact that you can’t make a good impression: peer pressure, age, and lots of other things.

For instance, in terms of peer pressure, you can’t just use the old “Wow, Mrs. Brown, regardless of the fact that you just broke my feet with your six-inch high heels, they really make you look at least 80 years younger,” because you will become an outcast and a teacher’s pet, or teacher’s floor rug, in this case, due to peer-circulated rumors.

Agewise, your brain simply doesn’t work right.  As a teen, that is a scientific fact.  Also included in current scientific facts are that the Earth is round (yeah, right), bees shouldn’t be able to fly, and that the earth orbits the sun (as a teen, the earth, along with the rest of the Universe save Pluto, orbits you).

When considering these scientific facts, I would note that there appears to be a total of 1 scientist who is a teen, so that’s probably the reason for these errors (and biases).  Also, this 1 scientist has been doing science since he was 0.02 seconds old, and, unsurprisingly, has also played the violin since three years before he was born.

The lots of other things vary, but I’ll try to explain them.  I know of at least stuff, which can be the stuff that keeps you from liking anyone who assigns homework to the stuff that drives you to mix the homework in with your dog’s kibble at dinner.  I have also heard of objects, factors, and nouns, but I’m not sure I can explain those as well.

So, then, how can you make a good impression?

Costumes

No, I wouldn’t give you bad* advice; I am telling it like it is.  You should do some background research, using Google, Facebook, and any other service your teachers may use that essentially allows anyone in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD to invade their PERSONAL PRIVACY, and discover whether your teacher has any favorite movie, book, or TV series/characters.

Come to class on the first day of school wearing a costume like one of these characters.  Sure, you’ll need to bring 4-8 costumes that day, but in the long run, it is definitely worth it.  For example, your teacher may grade you more easily, assuming you “aren’t all there.”

*depending on your definition of bad; it could be a sarcastic bad or a low-quality bad or a malicious bad, etc.

Become a Member of an Oppressed Minority (OM)

The underdog is always a crowd-pleaser, and very popular in today’s culture.  So, then, by using simple and pure logic, you can figure that walking around with a dog on your head is the perfect way to appear under(a)dog-like.

Seriously, though, you need to be a part of an oppressed minority (OM) group, so that you can win over your teacher’s favor.

A great time to implement this is when the teacher takes attendance.  So, when she calls, “Barnaby” instead of saying the usual reply of “Who names their kid Barnaby?” you would say “I prefer to be called the pity-worthy oppressed minority, or PWOM for short.”

Another great way to establish yourself as an OM is to create a Facebook group for OM’s and then join it.

Take a Page from “How To Influence Wins and People Friends”

Actually, I think the title is “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” but all you really need to know is that it was published in 1937, back when the most people you could know at any one time was 4, unless you lived in a big city, where it was 6 (because big cities had a constant influx of people, mainly young, male, back-alley urban professionals who all, coincidentally, were named “Mugger”).

Regardless of the fact that this book was published before there were such things as technology, it can still aid you in your predicament.

Here’s the secret: you take a page, rip it out of this book, and tape it to your forehead.

This is a great way to make a first impression, because, according to Amazon, this book “was an overnight hit, eventually selling 15 million copies.”  Basically, this book is extremely popular, so everyone would jump at the chance to read even a page for free.

Besides, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before.  In fact, according to the Amazon free preview, on one of the opening pages it states, in big bold letters, that, “The more you get out of this book, the more you’ll get out of life.”  With that in mind, I think a pair of industrial scissors are a good investment.

I would love to give you even more tips to make a good first impression, but I’m out of time. (I’m also out of milk, bread, and genetically modified walking and talking apples, if anyone is going to a store soon).  I just learned that my “Elmo” costume came in.

Filed Under: Advice, Classes, Communication, Phil's Writings, Start of School, Trust

The Best Ways to Answer “What Did You Do This Summmer?”

August 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

A Joke (Which may or may not be funny)I hate to say it.  It’ll probably kill me to say it.  But I have to: Summer is just about over.  For some of you, it may have already ended.  In that case, it’s time to start counting the days until Winter Break, or the next weekend.  Or even lunch break.

See? I’m already scaring myself.  The countless hours spent sitting in class, falling asleep while chewing gum-I don’t ever want to go back.  Especially because falling asleep while chewing gum usually ends up with hospital visit, tubes, and/or a corpse, depending on the flavor and manufacturer of the gum.

One thing I guarantee* that you will be asked is “What did you do this summer?” It may be a casual acquaintance, a homework assignment, or a broken fortune cookie printer.  You should be prepared.  With the tips I’ve compiled, you can answer this question absolutely perfectly.

*there’s really no catch this time, but the word “guarantee” just doesn’t look right without an asterisk

Make ‘Em Envious

The best thing to have as a teen amongst peers is the envy of others.  With it, you can make a bunch of bad jokes on how you knew your school was becoming green, but you didn’t think it was this “green.”

To instill the proper amounts of envy, you just need a really great story and, as a bonus, counterfeit skills-that way, you can back your story up.  Maybe you graduated from Harvard over the summer.  Make yourself a diploma.  Maybe you invented a better bug spray (if you ever do, by the way, I’d suggest naming it “Lawyer off!” or maybe “Pestisalesman”), and you have a bottle of the stuff.  Just be careful you don’t make up any stories about being famous, because (if you read this blog) nobody will believe that you are stupid enough.

Sarcasm

According a respected research group made up of me and my pet rock (and, if he feels like showing up for work, the spider on my doorbell), you can live for six years on nothing but water and sarcasm.  In this case, sarcasm can be a terrific choice.  Possible answers include “Same thing the last four people you asked did this summer,” “Dreamt about coming back to school so somebody would ask me that,” and “Saw a Republican apologize to a Democrat for intentionally running him off the road.” (Come on, that won’t ever happen).

Plan for your future

Simple questions like these are the foundations for greatness.  For instance, when Abe Lincoln was asked that in grade school, he probably replied, “Helped out with my dad’s business.”  What a terrific answer! I’m pretty sure that every President up to that point had nothing to do over the summer but help out or chop down cherry trees (unless your dad was a lumberjack, in which case you could do both), meaning anyone smart enough to answer with that was comparable to all the other presidents (and the entire population of the world, save maybe Russia, where you helped out with “the people’s” business).

So, if you plan to be a politician, answer something like, “Tried to stop a fight I saw on the street, and somehow ended up with both sides mad at me.”  For any other career, answer, “Got mad at some guy trying to stop a fight on the street.”

Confess

We all have deep, dark secrets, according to reality TV.  Also, none of us ever need to sleep for more than two minutes at a time, according to reality TV.  This question is a great opportunity to break down into tears.  Maybe you dropped a dish.  Maybe you dropped a dish on your little brother.  You might’ve even dropped a dish on your little brother intentionally.  Now is the time to confess.

Keep it short

Teens are well known for their ability to convey so much information in so few words, such as “hey,” which can range from “Hey, what’s up?” to “Hey, why’d you shoot me in the leg?”

Keep your answer to this question short.  I’d recommend “Nothing,” “Not much,” or “Confidential” as great choices.

Now that you’re prepared to answer this question, you should know that any other question you answer just won’t sound as rehearsed.  Because of that, you should always have some sort of distraction prepared, like setting your hair on fire.

Filed Under: Advice, Communication, Coolness Factors, Phil's Writings, Start of School, Summer

The Perfect Back To School Shopping List Supplement

August 20, 2011 By 1 Comment

Gum for saleIt’s late enough in August that I think I am now allowed to say the word “school.”  [Cringing, braced for mighty metal fist from above].  Well, I’m still alive enough to write this next sentence, so I guess I was ri

Sorry, sorry, I’m fine, I’m just trying to give you, my reader, a heart attack.  You know what they say: “A Dead Reader Tells No Tales,” and I really want to limit my blogging competition.  Actually, bring on the competition, but only if you believe that promoting this blog throughout your blog is the way to go.

Anyways, back to the post (from that semi-reality where I break character and go off on a too personal and slightly awkward tangent).  You need to go school supply shopping this year, as the schools definitely can’t afford the supplies.  In fact, if you see any teachers for sale, grab those, because many schools can’t afford those either now.

As I don’t have the official list (which is purposeful; I’ll avoid that till 2:00 AM the day school starts), I can’t just pick out the items and make fun of them.  Besides, that would be too easy.  However, now that I’ve survived my first year of high school (physically, not sure about my brain), I can tell you what the schools won’t.  I call it, “School Supplies: The Missing List.  The list that should have been on the shelf.” (This is an entertainment blog, Missing Manual Company.  No need to sue, the most you’ll get is $0.08-$0.23).

Gum

Do I even need to mention it? You need at least enough for yourself, your friends, any teen within 5 miles who will ask for some (probably because they’ve read “5 Brilliant Ways to Ask for Gum”), and the bottom of every single desk, shelf, or table (because they’ve cleaned up last year’s art).  Then, take that amount and triple it.

A Super-Large Backpack

You can’t just settle for something that will fit one or two textbooks.  You need the heavy-duty sack that could handle a few of your smaller friends.  Also, reinforcing it with metal plates, the type that they use on tanks, is probably a good idea as well. 

A Mirror

This has roles that are different depending on your gender.  Girls will use this mirror to look at their faces.  Guys should have a mirror so they can constantly check their back for “Kick me” signs. 

A Hood

At some point, you will get a bad haircut.  Unless you want to be laughed at all day, or fix it by getting a buzz cut, a hood is definitely your best option.  However, this is only inconspicuous in the cold months, so I’d recommend avoiding the barber starting in September.  Sure, your hair will get really long, but it’s doable; why do you think they invented “No Shave November?” Obviously, people started to notice something.

A Full Suit

This is one of the things that the schools mistakenly assume teens just “have.”  I don’t know any teen who frequently buys suits, unless they had to go to a funeral over the summer.  There will be a week when you need to dress nicely for a class, and you’ll have about a 1 day warning.  Which means you’ll have to rush to buy a suit, as your old one makes you look like you belong in the NBA.

Extra Pencils

You will lose all your pencils at some point.  However, you will also find lots of pencils on the ground.  If you’re lucky, you can surf the constant cycle of lost and found until the end of the year, and then miraculously have your complete set of pencils back.  I wouldn’t count on it, though, so you should get at least twice as many pencils as you think you’ll need (if you want to know about mechanical vs regular pencils, you could check out “The Great Pencil Debate”). 

Calculator Batteries

Just like everything else unpleasant about school, it is unavoidable that your calculator will die on the day of the test.   Even if you have a solar-powered calculator, bring something.  Maybe a car battery and jumper cables, or a 5-hour-energy drink that you can pour in the back. 

A Broken Printer

-for the classic homework excuse.  That way, you can bring it in, and your printer appears to actually be broken.  You can look for an old printer on Craigslist, Ebay, or in all that space junk orbiting earth, and then smash it with a hammer, drop it out a 2nd-story window, or run over it with your car. 

I believe I’ve covered the important stuff (heck, I know I have, all you really need is gum.  Sounds like a Beatles album: “All You Need is Gum,” “Can Buy Me Gum,” and “I Wanna Hold Your Gum.”).  If I’ve left anything out, though, feel free to add to this list in the comments.

Filed Under: Advice, Gum, Phil's Writings, Start of School, Summer
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