Take Some Life Advice From Your Planner

a meditating plannerNow, while I’ve already mentioned how you should avoid appearing in planners at all costs, I didn’t actually cover the real advantage to owning a school planner (or calendar, for those who don’t know the current word of the street.  Actually, the word on the street for planner is known as ‘litter,’ but you know what I meant).

See, not only is a planner a valuable asset in terms of the fact that seeing how much work you have to do will instantly cause a nervous breakdown (helpful for avoiding jury duty, if you aren’t a teen, so I’d save my old planners for those calls of civic duty), but also because the planner gives terrific life advice.

One lesson you can take from your planner is that no, the weekends don’t actually seem to go faster, they actually are shorter.  This is indicated by the fact that your planner includes a smaller box for both Saturday and Sunday.

The largest lesson you can take from your planner, though, is the motivating message of “You are a complete organizational failure who will never amount to anything, along with having poor handwriting.”

There are a few things that send this message, and if you can realize what they are, than I’m sure there are some valuable life lessons to be learned.  I must be too cynical, though, because I don’t take any of this seriously.

Quotes

Honestly, quotes aren’t too bad in other contexts.  They are an easy way to start essays, an easy way to sound profound, and an easy way to make money with the quotes in the public domain slapped on adsense websites.  However, in a planner, they are brutal.

Take this one, for instance: “The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” –Chinese proverb

This quote from my planner is stressful, depressing, and offensive to those who can’t walk due to physical disabilities.

Basically, this quote tells me that in 10th grade, at age 16, by the month of September, I am at the point were I am now just finishing my first step.  By my calculations, that means I won’t go more than four steps before I will reach retirement age, which doesn’t even amount to 1% of a thousand miles.

(After I retire, though, I plan to get a fancy wheelchair that can go 100+ plus miles per hour, so I should be able to cover at least two more steps before I die).

Advice

Often found in places where the planner production company couldn’t find stress-inducing quotes are blurbs of advice.

Now, to start with, this advice has no attributed author.  That means you have absolutely no idea how valuable the advice is.  Heck, you’re taking advice from (try not to snicker) someone who takes your planner and its many messages seriously.  Never mind, that’s too much to ask-go ahead and laugh.

Thus, the people you are taking advice from have absolutely no idea how things are in the real world outside of fuzzy planner quotes.  Which means when they offer advice such as, “Do something unusual to give your brain a boost.  Try brushing your teeth,” they are really telling you that if you live in a world of proverbs, there is no need to brush your teeth.  However, if you follow this advice only half-heartedly, and make brushing your teeth an unusual occurrence, than you will definitely die of tooth decay before you even reach three steps of a 1,000 miles.

Boxes Galore

The main purpose of your planner is boxes, which make sense; a box for each day keeps the conspiracy-theorists* at bay.  But then they go overboard (cue scary music).

*For example, the Mayan school-supplies manufacturer accidentally left off the box for December 21st, 2012, and just look at how many people took that overboard.

There are boxes at the end of each line inside your date boxes for checkmarks when you get something done, and even more small boxes for you to carry over last week’s unfinished items.  If you actually used these, then by the end of the year you would need at least three acres of valuable Amazon rainforest trees just to make enough paper to hold all of your carried-over tasks.

Throughout these boxes, advice-blurbs, and stressful quotes, though, there is a common theme.  This is the theme of “vomit” green, “80s photos” yellow, and “Chemical” white.

On that note (or color), I end this passage.  Just remember that “A humor article of a thousand words starts with 760 words.”

Torturous Eye Doctor Examinations

A picture of a damaged eyeAs a follow up to my well-received (read: nobody threatened to cut off my internet access or my head) “The Torturous Dental Examination,” I thought that I would deal with the doctor who examines those two things you are using right now, known as eyes.

You see, as a general rule, doctors don’t have a great reputation among teens/kids.  This could be because:

  • The doctor does something weird, awkward, and painful
  • There are stories of the doctor doing something weird, awkward, and painful
  • The doctor alerts you to something you didn’t know exists but will probably kill you, your third cousin, and your pet rat, along with possibly sparking the next “Plague/Epidemic” movie
  • The doctor doesn’t use regular English, but instead of mix of Latin and deadly-sounding words

These are all valid reasons, especially the stories, which can be found on any respectable site filled with trash and non-truth.   There is the theory that doctors actually keep you healthy, but, let me ask you this, reader: who propagates those theories? THE DOCTORS! Yep, you can file that under ‘conspiracy theories,’ aka absolute facts (the file ‘conspiracy theories’ can be found right between ‘UFO sightings’ and ‘World is Round’).

So, back to eye doctors.  Rather than walk you through the whole exam (which can take upwards of eighty years, depending on what needs to be done), I’m just going to hit on some highlights (read: I’m too lazy to explain everything).

The Letters

The classic essential to every eye-doctor’s arsenal, mostly because it is the one part of the examination that other people understand the purpose of: to show just how small the font size can get when it comes to fitting your test notes on one 3×5 note card.

The doctor will cover your eye with a black patch and ask you to use your other eye to read the letters.  As the letters, past a certain size, become indistinguishable, you should definitely guess, as colleges are now also requesting your eye-exam results when determining how “diverse” you are (which leads to acceptance).  So, if your eyes get a score of 3/19ths Icelandic-Botswanan-Albanian, that’s a good thing.

When it comes to good guesses, they are usually letters, so “Abcdefghi…” really fast is the way to go.  Also, you could just try to distract the eye doctor so that they forget to check their answer key (I’d try asking them about complicated dental procedures, which they may know nothing about, but may try to bluff their way through anyways).

The Big Scary Machine

I’m referring, of course, to the big scary spooky horror-movie-esque machine.  The one that they put in front of your face which looks like it could suck out your soul and maybe also a confession for the Jack the Ripper murders.

But, really, there’s no reason to be scared (unless the machine falls off its precariously flexible and skinny stand and crushes you to death).  All that will happen is the doctor will do a little black magic, mess with your sight, and ask which is better, 1 or 2? If you are unsure, guess “C)”.

Taking Your Eye Pressure

Apparently, your eyes have pressure.  Now, if you’ve got one of those free pressure-checkers from Les Schwab you can do this yourself, but chances are you forgot to bring one.

So, instead, the eye doctor is going to numb up your eyes using eyedrops.  To avoid grossing/freaking you out, I won’t describe what this feels like (just imagine that you’ve got some peeled grapes where your eyes should be except that they are tingling as if they had a bunch of fruit-eating gnats all over them-oops, my bad.  Forget I described it).

Then, now that you can’t feel your eyes (it only feels as if you’ve got some large heavy marbles that react to air and are slimy), the doctor will attempt to touch them with a pen-like implement.  While they tell you this takes the pressure, in reality they are just fooling with you, and are writing “Dr. Bob Robertson was here” on the back of your retina.

The Dilation Process

Yes, you knew it was coming. The dreaded part where your pupils grow large and you can’t read/see anything too well up close.

Obviously, then, after your eyes are dilated they ask you to sign the check to pay them (which you can’t read the amount of), the liability waiver, and the iTunes terms of service agreement (has anybody ever read that?) just for kicks.

Another side effect of this is that you have to wear sunglasses if the sun is out, which can make you look cool.  However, it will probably just make you look like a dork, because, chances are, you already wear glasses if you get this treatment, and are now a six-eyes.

It’s pretty clear to me that the eye doctor is not a fun place to visit, especially if you have to finish your homework with your eyes dilated.  Also, when the sun comes through the window and you’re at the computer (and have dilated eyes), I hear the double-reflection will permanently blaoa yqpi ad adfow.

A Better Set of Kick Me Signs

kick me signNow that you’ve settled in with the whole “back to school” routine, you know with whom it is safe to pull pranks on.  Namely, you can determine this by asking yourself one simple question: can they bench press a school bus? If so, avoid them, unless you drive an 18-wheel truck that can go from 0-30 faster than that person can run.

Or, if you’ve already got a prank in mind, consider this: if they kill you, was the look on their face worth it?

Regardless, the point here is clearly that it is time somebody started making school days a little more interesting, by way of harmless pranks*.

*Note: for legal purposes, I did not just tell you to pull pranks.  In fact, if you look again, I’m sure that you’re just hallucinating, as I actually wrote, “…school days a little more interesting, by way of farm-fresh franks”.

There are a lot of good pranks, to be sure, especially in those states with more lenient juvenile systems, but the easiest and most well-known prank is known scientifically as, “What the [bad word] did you just put on my back?”

The answer is a “Kick me” sign, which was invented by some brilliant philosopher in the Renaissance period.  The thinking is that if somebody wanted to be kicked, they would put a sign on their back, and in no way would anyone be at all suspicious of the fact that the victim felt the need to write “kick me” on their back.  Aside from the fact that most people would never in a million years do this willingly unless they were faced with writing “kick me” or attending “Bieber on Ice.”

So, then, it’s pretty obvious that all kick me signs are pranks (which doesn’t stop any sensible teen from kicking the kid anyway).  To fix this, there are some other messages you can write instead.

But first, of course, you need to be able to land the sign on their back.  The old, outdated method is the, “Hey, buddy! What’s up, man?” while you pat them on the back (sticking on the sign).  Unless you are someone who naturally pats everyone you meet on the back, this won’t work (and in that case, nobody would allow you to get close anyways).

This means you have two options.  You can ‘bump’ into somebody (difficult and requires skills) or you can use the stealth method.  Stealth-wise, you just need to wait until the victim is distracted and then sneak up and say, “Hey, buddy! What’s up?” while patting them on the back, because we all know they would hear/feel it otherwise and that, being a teen (probably a teen boy, if you’re pulling pranks), there is no way you can possibly be stealthy.

If you can successfully land a sign on their back, then you need to start worrying about the message.  Here are some great ones I’d love to see around the halls.

  • Advertise Here! 555-555-5555
  • I forgot to wear deodorant today, so the US department of health and human services made me wear this sign preemptively.
  • Out for self-preservation.  The brain will be back in office in 7 years.
  • Ask me about reduced rates.
  • Designated Teen Driver for Hire: .00004 times safer than driving drunk.
  • Have you seen this man [picture of person with sign on their back]? Reward $25,000

These are just some terrific examples, but I’m sure you could come up with some brilliant ideas yourself.

That means the only thing you really need to worry about, now that you’ve got message and technique down, is revenge. After all, it isn’t hard for the victim to figure out who placed the sign on them in the first place, because you are usually following them around laughing.

The quick solution is so obvious that you’ll probably slap yourself in the face when you read it: layers. SLAP! (It was so obvious that even I couldn’t resist slapping myself in the face in self disappointment).  All you need to do is wear the same number of layers to school as the number of minutes you spend in the hall (the average student spends around an hour in the halls/at lunch each day, so sixty layers ought to cover it).

Then (and here’s the simple yet brilliant part-maybe even worthy of another slap), you simply remove a layer every minute.  You might need to rip each coat/sweatshirt or enlist a friend’s help, because at the beginning of the day you’ll be too delirious with heatstroke to manipulate your hands on a zipper.  However, by the end of the day, you’ll only have a T-shirt on, and the sacrifice was definitely worth it, because no one’s sign could have possibly been on your back for more than one minute.

If you can follow these instructions, and actually took me seriously, then you are definitely prankster* material.  In which case, check your back, because somebody may have taken preemptive reveng-watch out for that kick! Ouch, that looked painful.

*Again, I did not write the five letters P-R-A-N-K.  I said, “…you are definitely frankf’rter material.” (In which case, check your back, as a meat grinder may be sneaking up on you).

3 Magnificent Ways to Get More Done on the Weekend

getting stuff done on the weekendThe weekend.  That word has immense power over any teenager.  For example, you can threaten to assign even more homework over the weekend.  You can threaten to force a teen to do chores over the weekend.  You can even threaten to play the word “weekend” against a teen in scrabble, netting you (without any bonus tiles) at least 65 points.

What makes this word so powerful is that the weekend is like a two-day sunburst of freedom amongst a 9 month ordeal of torturous backbreaking work.  Thus, teens try to avoid working on the weekend even more than they try to avoid work during the week.  Sadly, however, teens haven’t yet figured out that they can’t both procrastinate on the weekend, and say that they’ll do the work over the week, and then spend all week saying that they’ll do it over the weekend.

So, then, it may be an unavoidable fact of life that you will have to work on weekends.  However, I’ve devised a schedule that should allow you to get all your work done and have plenty of spare time:

Friday night: homework

Saturday: homework & chores

Sunday: homework & chores

See? It’s brilliant!

Seriously, though, there are strategies for making your weekend more enjoyable, and I’ve come up with a secret that I think could make your life easier.  I’m not going to tell you what it is, though, because then it wouldn’t be a secret, so instead here are three things you can do to free up more time over the weekend.

Outsource

This is flaunted in the business world as a key to freeing up valuable time.  There’s no good reason why you can’t extend this technique to your homework and chores, aside from the minor inconveniences of this being immoral, dangerous, plagiarism/cheating, and possibly nausea.  Ask your doctor if outsourcing is right for you.

Really, though, in today’s interconnected society, outsourcing is so easy that even babies (yes, even the ones who aren’t advanced enough to trade stocks on e-trade) frequently outsource their main tasks, namely eating, sleeping, crying, and defecating (usually all at once).

You have the obvious resources, like Fiverr, where thousands of people are willing to do just about anything with “guaranteed results”, even if these results are jail time for you. Then you’ve got your more personal social media, such as Facebook, where you have 5,783 friends whom you’ve never actually said more than two words to.  Simply ask one of your good buddies who friended you at some point last year (or was it this year) and whose name is…Jim-no, John, his name is John-to write a 5-page paper on the meaning of the word “is” as intended by the author in “Something Wicked this Way Comes.”

Coffee Time Machine

On the weekend, the fact that you are not in class allows you to drink coffee whenever you want.  If you can start drinking coffee as soon as you get home on Friday, then, assuming you don’t need to sleep Friday or Saturday night, you can intake enough consecutive caffeine so that time appears to slow.

What’s really happening, of course, is that you are simply going faster, which still allows you to get more work done.  Of course, you may need to avoid this method for writing homework, because your hand will shake so much that your written responses will look like a seismograph during a major earthquake (and the fact that you probably spilled coffee all over your papers just adds to this impression).

Also, I should probably warn you that you will experience a major crash Sunday night/Monday morning, to the point where you should pad your floors and sharp corners and call the attendance office and let them know that you “won’tcometoschoolforthreeweeks” because you have a rare disease and must travel to doctors in Miami where you will be abducted by Aliens and then dropped at your house next-next-next Monday.

Self Hypnosis

While this doesn’t avoid the work, it can make the work more enjoyable.  Just imagine that you aren’t actually doing homework, but rather are doing something enjoyable.  Honestly, I’ve no idea how this works, but it sounds great on paper: you have fun, the work gets done.

I suppose that you could pretend that your math problems are really evil villains, and every time you complete one the villain is killed.  But that won’t work for one obvious reason: any teen faced with 40 math problems or 40 villains would take the villains in a heartbeat.

While these three methods will greatly improve (improve meaning change for better or worse, here) your weekends, there is still my secret method.  But I’m not planning on telling you anytime soon, although I will give you this hint: it involves a blender.