Trick-Or-Treat: My Candy For Your Halloween Enjoyment

“Eye”-candy, that is.  But overlook that poor pun and look below: you’ll see a video.

Yep, that’s right, you are looking at High School Humor Blog’s first ever video.  I figured that I (Phil) would try creating an XtraNormal video for the fun of it, and they had a promotional deal for Halloween (free Halloween characters and sets).

So, I give you “How Important Halloween Candy is to Kids,” about a kid’s total obsession for candy to the point where he ignores greater problems. It’s a way for you, as a teen, to remember how easy your life was when all you worried about was whether your candy was king-size or fun-size.  (That was a fairly bad explanation, actually.  It’s just a funny video about Halloween that I thought you would enjoy, so I tied it into the ‘teen’ perspective in order to justify putting it on this blog.)

Enjoy.  If you liked this video, or the idea of High School Humor Blog creating more videos, please comment or share it.  Otherwise, if you don’t like it, and nobody else does either, don’t worry; this won’t become a common thing. 

How Important Halloween Candy is to Kids

(Update: I just realized those of you using a feed reader can’t see the video, so here’s a link to the post).

3 Ways Teens Can Get Candy on Halloween

Funny Halloween Candy

Click to Zoom

Halloween is a synonym for candy.  We all know that.  In fact, candy has a lot of synonyms, including Valentines Day, Easter, New Years Eve, and, for some people, breakfast.

But back to Halloween.  As a kid, I’m sure you were just like me: running as fast as you can, trying to get as much candy as possible before the sun came up again.  However, you never got much candy, because you spent most of your time (with your supervising parent) waiting for cars a mile away to pass you so you ‘wouldn’t get hit’, running into trees and shrubs that were hard to see even without a mask that made you half-blind, and having to visit every house twice because you were forced to say thank you.  (Once I tried to argue that, as I was dressed as a mutant green rabid fridge box, it would be out of character to say thank you, but to no avail).

And even what little candy you gathered was further diminished because it was either homemade or poorly wrapped.  Of course either of these meant that there was likely lethal doses of pesticide, or at least a few sewing needles, in the candy, so your parents would throw it out.

Now, though, you’re in high school, and are a little old to be running around. Also, for many of us, they don’t make big enough refrigerator boxes anymore.  So, then, what are you going to do on Halloween?

Well, many teens decide to pull pranks.  Frankly, I don’t condone these for the simple reason that I see no connection between pranks and candy.  Unless someone will prove to me that placing plastic forks in someone’s lawn is what is needed to plant a candy tree, I’m going to have to say: leave those forks where they belong.  (I have no idea where the fork belongs-does it go on the left or right side of the plate?)

So, then, there are three other ways you can get candy on Halloween.  These are more moral and just than pulling pranks, by the simple logic of these ways “hurt less people.”  I mean, come on.  Candy and little kids are involved.  Don’t tell me you didn’t think someone was going to have to get hurt.

Don’t Give the Candy Away

The first way you can get candy on Halloween is by keeping the candy your parents buy to give out.  There are many ways to do this, and all deal with the simple principle of “don’t give any candy away, even if the president shows up.” Remember, it’s Halloween, so many different versions of the president, all under 4 feet tall, may show up.  Don’t let the threat of a tactical nuclear missile strike deter you from not giving away your candy.  Actually, that is how the creators of the ‘Toxic Sludge’ super-sour candy came up with the idea-it is actually toxic sludge left over from when the real president did show up.

Other ways you can avoid giving out candy include something I like to call “trick” and something I like to call “the three-headed dog from hell.” The ‘trick’ is that you dump all the candy your parents bought into a large bag, and save the wrappers (as intact as possible).  Then you simply fill them up with plastic beads and hand them out on Halloween.  No one will discover you, because the parents will notice the tampered-with wrappers, so they’ll just throw the candy out without opening it.

The “three-headed dog from hell” is pretty self-explanatory.  You need to call up whoever presides over the underworld these days and simply ask if you can rent out Cerberus, the hellhound, for a day.  This year, it’s probably already booked, so on November 1st, try to book it for next year. 

Then all you have to do is chain it to a tree near your front door.  At max, one kid will get close before the other kids realize that this is a real dog, not a decoration.  As far as what to do with that one kid that gets too close, well, think of them as a free bonus decoration.

Good Ol’ Family

The second way to get candy on Halloween is to have a younger sibling.  If you don’t already have one, see if you can get a cheap crash dummy somewhere and touch up on your ventriloquist skills.  If you get that crash dummy after it had crashed, then you don’t even need a costume, just some red paint.  From there, just exact a fee of 90% of your sibling’s candy in return for protecting them from…[spooky voice] the things.  If you don’t know what the “things” are, then I’m sorry to tell you that it’s too late for you.

The Thing

The third way to get candy on Halloween is to become a “thing.”  This is also pretty easy-just wear black, a mask of some sort, and make scary noises as young kids approach a shrub you are hiding in.  Then, when they are close, jump out and yell something (anything works as long as you don’t yell “Marco!” in which case a real “thing” will yell “Polo!” and then come and eat you, because that’s just how “things” roll).

The kids will scream and then run into each other, because, if you recall, those masks restrict one’s view a ton.  They should also drop their candy.

The best part is that you don’t need to worry about parents; the parents are thrilled you took their kid’s candy, as now they don’t have to spend time looking for tampered wrappers or enduring the thumps as their kid bounces off the walls.

So, even though you’re a teen, there are still some ways to get candy on Halloween.  Just don’t attack a 3-foot tall boy wearing a pink refrigerator box, because his older brother has promised to protect him from the things in return for 90% of his haul.  And you don’t want to get hit by my thing-repellant. 

The Search for the Best School Project Adhesive

AIIIIIiiiiiiiiieieeeee! Ouchouchouchouchouch ouch!

[Insert Discovery Channel Nature Show Narrator] Narrator: These are human cries of distress.  What could be wrong? Is it the failed quest to find a mate? A predator’s ambush? Or simply physical pain caused by the alpha male of the food chain: hot glue? We’ll find out-right after this commercial break.

[Insert Commercial Break Promoting Highly Targeted Products, such as “Clean My PC” cd-roms].

[Cut Scene]

All right, so maybe that exclamation was a teeny-bit not based on fact; we all know that a hot glue burn would cause your exclamation of “AIIIIIIiiiiiiieieieieeeeee!” to be in all caps, not just some caps.

But this scene brings up an issue so important that it ought to have a congressional subcommittee dedicated to it: adhesives.  By adhesives, I mean tape, glue, hot glue, double sided tape, glue stick, staples, and, in a pinch, buffalo lard.

You see, the adhesive market is so full of options that it is difficult to decide upon just one when the need arises in order to complete a school project.  That means the question is: which is best?

The answer is complex: whichever adhesive company will pay me the most to promote them.  But, upon examination, patterns do arise.

The first pattern, or ‘motif’ in English-Teacher-Speak, is one of pain.  All forms of adhesive products (from herein referred to as “sticky things”) can inflict severe harm.

Hot glue burns.  Tape can remove both hair and skin, and, in extreme cases, tendons as well.  When wet glue gets on your hands, it causes a condition known as “AAHHHH! My skin is PEELING OFF! I’m going to be PEELED TO DEATH! Oh-ha ha, my bad, it’s just dried glue.” And, of course, there is the classic staple through the finger (“classic” because Shakespeare, in trying to staple his 2,000,000 page “Shakespeare: the Complete Collection” got many a staple through his finger).

Another thing one realizes about sticky things, after spending an all-nighter furiously trying to finish a project with them, is that they make a mess (in English Teacher Speak, this is known as an “abstract concept” from which one can draw “metaphors” about “life”).

Glue is incredibly difficult to get out of the carpet, unless you have a flamethrower and your parents were “planning to get hardwood floors anyways.” Tape is a bit easier, but tape has a nasty habit of ripping up the carpet, giving your floor a “70’s Bachelor Pad Shag” look, known today as the “My Barber doesn’t know English” look. Staples make the least amount of mess, but they aren’t too useful when it comes to assembling your scale model of a famous building (insert bad joke about the leaning tower of Pisa).

A final thing to consider is dependability.  For example, staplers are not dependable, as they are liable to jam, in which case you should be willing to lose three fingernails in an attempt to fix this.  Glue and glue sticks* can run out, or the cap can get filled with dry glue.  Tape can get stuck to itself, in which case you should still have two fingernails left with which to try to fix this.

In conclusion, after evaluating the three main types of sticky things, one thing becomes clear: I have too much spare time.  Well, obviously, but I meant the other “One thing” that becomes clear: you also have too much spare time  there is no perfect choice amongst tape, glue, or staples.  With that in mind, I propose the GluStapleTape.

Yes, that’s right, the GluStapleTape, which is essentially a roll of tape that is also covered on one side by glue, and every two inches there is a staple attached as well.  Functionally, I’m pretty sure this has all the problems mentioned above of every sticky thing, but in practice, it would be worth it just to see if anybody bought it (they’d have to have the intelligence level of Internet Explorer).

Wait, did somebody say there is a combination glue, staples, and tape product? No way! I’m totally going to buy that!

*Note: if you ever find a glue stick in your supply drawer that has been previously opened but still works, don’t use it.  Glue sticks are manufactured to be first-time-use only, and any ones you try to use the next day will be completely dried out and jammed due to some obscure law of physics.  So, if you find one that still works, yours is likely defective and has lead in it/will give you cancer.

The Best Way to Motivate Teens: Nap Time

I was thinking the other day.  Hold on-scratch that.

I definitely wasn’t thinking the other day.  After all, not only do I have no brain (being a teen, it’s a scientific fact), I also didn’t have enough sleep for my brain to get past the “Milk doesn’t go in the cupboard” level of thought.

So, while I wasn’t thinking, I stumbled upon a brilliant idea (as so often happens when one forgets to think; look at Benjamin Franklin.  Do you honestly think he was thinking when he flew that kite with a key in the thunderstorm?) and fell flat on my face.  After picking myself up, I looked down to see what bright idea had tripped me, and came up with this piece of sheer genius:

Nap Time

You heard me right.  Nap time is probably the best way to motivate teens, ever.

Let me give you an example: if a high school teacher tells the students to put their heads down on their desks, say, for a vote by raise of hands, twenty-three of the twenty-four students will fall asleep immediately (“Alright, guys.  Who didn’t vote?”).  The twenty-fourth student will vote for whatever option comes first, and then, with a cleared conscious, fall asleep.

See, it all stems from the basic want to survive.  Teens (at least boys) naturally seek out food and drink, to the point where some supermarkets have considered requiring leashes on any teen within twenty feet of a free sample.  So, then, all that leaves is shelter, but, being teens, we honestly don’t care where we sleep, so we only seek more sleep.

Of course, it helps that we are already sleep deprived due to school’s early start time.  The fact that most of us get 2 hours of sleep a night is certainly a factor.

But, honestly, the strongest motivators give people what they want; in our case, sleep.  Logically, if the teacher told a class full of teens that anyone currently with an A in the class got the last fifteen minutes of class to sleep, this would work magic.  Specifically, the magic of having thirty students simultaneously Google “hack online grade.”

Even that, though, is progress.  At least our students are learning something, right? Those hacking skills ought to be plenty enough to get a good job, or into a good college.  With the current quality of your average high school graduate, most graduations are made up of snores (by sleeping teens).

Obviously, nothing is better for teens than a nap.

Readers: I have not been able to post all week, due to, as you may have guessed from this post, lack of sleep.  I apologize for that, and I’ll get back to regular posting as soon as possible.