4 Ways to Make Your Phone 4 Times as Cool

A cool phoneCould you imagine a life without your phone? No mobile Facebook, no mobile browsing, no mobile listening to engaging offers articulated by foreign telemarketers on the best fridge to buy.  I certainly couldn’t image this, especially because I usually can’t say no to those salespeople (you should see my garage-it’s the “Museum of Low-Quality Telemarketing Fridges”).

But while your phone gives you an ability to do everything on the go, it also gives you status.  If you’ve got a flip phone from the 00s, then nobody, and I mean nobody, will take you seriously.  Heck, your technologically impaired cat will laugh at you and then resume talking to the neighbor’s cat on its Bluetooth (hands free means thumbs free).

However, if you’ve got a smart phone with a screen almost as large as some of the poisonous bacteria found in the Amazon, then you are certainly taken seriously. Don’t believe me? Now watch as I pull out my inifintyXiphondroid. That’s what I thought.

Your phone can increase your overall coolness dramatically, to the point where you are so cool that telemarketers start selling you (instead of fridges, also cold).  Want to make your phone make you even cooler, though? Read on.  (That was a ‘want to let me help your phone help you?’ for those who missed it.  Also seen frequently are the ‘let your phone help you help me’ and the ‘let me help your phone help fight cancer.’).

1). Contacts

It’s all about who you know, of course.  But when’s the last time somebody actually flipped through your contacts and then called somebody to see if their name matched up with your entry of them? Never, that’s when.

The simplicity is what makes this work: just enter some famous names into your phone with a random string of numbers.  If you need any help with this, well, I suppose it would be all right if I called Mr. Einstein and asked a favor for you.   I mean, I thought he was dead, but hey, his number’s in my phone.

2). Pictures

Your pictures are also a big part of what someone else might check on your phone.   They are usually looking to see that you have more than just a picture of the mold on your retainers.  Un-cool people have pictures of their pet dog.  Average people might have pictures of other people on their phone.  Cool people, of course, go above and beyond and have pictures of people being eaten by their dogs.

However, unless you live next to Michael Vick and own a politically informed Rottweiler, it may be hard to get those pictures of people being eaten by dogs (also it is illegal, so you didn’t hear this from me).  Instead, you can use something known as Photoshop to get these photos.  If you can’t afford Photoshop, some willing friends or a leftover Halloween dummy combined with some ketchup and a stuffed animal can also get the desired effect.

3). Apps

If your phone can’t take apps, then it certainly is not cool.  You might as well use your app-less phone to boil water (opposite of cool).  Since your phone likely does take apps, though, you need to know what apps to get.

Aside from the basics (Facebook, Words With Friends, and Pony Playland), you should have one or two apps that set you apart from the ‘un-cool’ people.  For instance, a cooking app or a stock exchange app would do the trick, especially if you know what either of those things is (cooking or the stock exchange).  Otherwise, a simple little app like the black screen app will suffice (you know, the cool app that you can get where it makes it so if you hit the lock button a black screen shows up.  Don’t try to tell me that comes with the phone-I know better).

4). Case

While this is not technically a part of your phone, it is a major aesthetic element.  An ‘un-cool’ case might be something functional, like a protective rubber bumper.  But like any high fashion, your case should not be functional or normal looking.

Instead, you need the least functional, most abstract looking case for your phone. For example, I personally use a case I constructed using only honey (as a glue) and eggshells.  Now, for some reason my phone has been stuck on the ‘black screen app’ since I started using this case, but it’s probably just a glitch.  Maybe my case needs more honey.

So, male or female, droid or iphone, intelligence of a flea or intelligence of lettuce (the only two teenage options), you now have 4 time-tested* powerful ways to make your phone 4 times as cool as it was before.  Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got to go answer the doorbell; I’m expecting the XG400 fridge today.

*Time-tested meaning tested by Time, the name of my goldfish.

3 Ways Teens Should Choose Presidential Candidates

Question Mark PresidentIf you are a teen, you may or may not be able to vote.  However, on the argument that has been put out by the wise and rational ‘occupy’ group, you, as a teen, are likely one of the 99% of teens who can’t vote/never got to vote before they turned 20.  This means something needs to change.

But before you storm the nearest large city (unless you live in Iowa, Missouri, or South Dakota, where there are no large cities, in which case you probably have no idea who the ‘occupy’ people are anyway, not to mention you are still waiting for a return telegraph from your great-great-great-grandfather’s cousin telling you whether or not the continental congress voted for independence or not), you need to consider something: do you look ‘educated’ enough?

By this, I mean that if you really want to blend in with the ‘occupy’ movement, you need to dress black-tie at least.

Actually, you need to consider: if you could vote, whom would you vote for?  Right now, I couldn’t even answer that question; there are so many current candidates they blend together in my mind and I get them confused. The last time I checked, I think I was rooting for Rick Gingrich or Mitt Paul or something like that…it might have been Barack Romney Jr., now that I think of it.

So, to help you keep things straight, I have found that there are three fail-proof ways to decide whom you would vote for, if you could vote. (If you already know whom you are voting for, or whom you would vote for, then let me congratulate you, as this will save you a lot of time in the next few months that you would have otherwise spent trying to decide.  Let me guess: is it Michelle Perry?).

First: The Issues

The issues the world is facing in today’s difficult times are all very serious.  Therefore, you should know what your favorite candidate’s stance is on most of them.  To help you keep track, I’ve created a list below.

  • Abortion: (positions) pro social security or pro illegal immigrant laws
  • Defense spending: pro life or pro Russia
  • A Nuclear Iran: pro bowl or anti all-star game
  • Unemployment rate: anti Castro or pro choice
  • Debt rating: pro taxing S&P or pro bombing S&P
  • Europe: pro crepes or anti-bratwurst
  • Clocks: pro round or pro octagonal
  • Political scandals: pro resignation or pro space program funding
  • Anything else: pro bipartisanship or anti partisanship

Second: The Candidates

You can always just pick a favorite candidate based on the candidate him/herself.  After all, that issues list is long and not even all-inclusive (so finding out Newt Bachmann’s position on, say, strip-mining New York City could take a long time).

Therefore, look at the candidates one by one, and consider this: if you had to wear their hair for a day, would you popularity go up or down? If up, choose that candidate.

If, by some fluke, there is currently more than one candidate with good hair, then the next thing you look at are the teeth.  If it is still a tie, then hire an American Kennel Club judge to walk the candidates around on a leash and then check their gums.

Third: The…um…sorry.  Oops?

I seem to blanking on the third method, so I’m just going to have to get back to you on this.  Oh, wait, was it the EPA? No, that wasn’t it.

Now I remember.  The third way to choose a candidate, for teens, is this test: would you allow them to sub for you for one day of school?

(I’ve already mentioned my troubles with math, so I wouldn’t readily allow someone whose thought process might be “So, the three rules of exponents are…”).

Now that you’ve got three-fail proof ways to decide whom to vote for, what are you waiting for? Go occupy a city and change the voting age to 13.

Math Lesson #i: Imaginary Numbers

Pi (Pie) and I (Me or i)I want to start off this post by saying: don’t worry.  This won’t be a math intensive post.  You don’t need to be good at math to find this post funny. 5832×12349=3.4290×10-72/2. (That was a math joke.  You need to be good at math to find that joke funny).

You see, I had a pretty neutral relationship with math up until this point in my life.  Math would beat me up in school (read: bad grades) and I would retaliate by feeding my Math Book, page by page, to a squirrel in my backyard (this is neutral because the damage we do each other balances out to 0).

However, math has gone beyond the point of no return.  Now I am expected to learn that there are imaginary numbers.  Right.  And I got an imaginary ‘A’ on my last test.

But I’m not kidding you.  This is not some absurd joke.  This is serious stuff.

And yet, it seems unrealistic and laughable.  How do you think the class would react if your English teacher started talking about imaginary letters? What if you had to spell words with imaginary letters?

Don’t just limit that analogy to English-what about history or science? “Today, class, we will examine the imaginary war of 1901. Who knows who the imaginary winner was? How many imaginary people died?” It sounds like a joke, after all.

Yet in math, imaginary numbers are not something to be taken lightly.  Neither is my imaginary friend, Tom, but that’s another story.  (No, Tom, I’m not writing about you.  Go back to doing my math homework. Hey, maybe Tom’s the reason I get such bad grades in math).

Apparently, there is this imaginary number i, which is the square root of -1.  The number one real-world application of i is entertainment value, I believe.

I heard you can go to these mathematician conventions and you might overhear a conversation such as: “Ha! They’re still teaching that imaginary number April Fools joke in schools! Maybe we shouldn’t have told ‘em it was a joke by now!” “No way, Myrtle [most mathematicians have names such as Snodgrass, Myrtle, or Dexterson].  It’s hilarious! Without that, where would the fun be in being a mathematician? I can’t wait for April this year: I’m thinking something like ‘day-sensitive numbers: you can only use them on Wednesdays.’”

Really, though, and I ask this question (mmph!) with a straight fac-ha ha ha mmph!-e: has anybody seen Tom? Oh, no, sorry, I think he went to the bathroom.  I meant to ask: is it necessary to learn about imaginary numbers?

I guess, from a political viewpoint, it is quite beneficial.  “Our unemployment rate is a ridiculously high number-but no need to worry about that; it’s a ridiculously high imaginary number!” Boom! There goes our deficit.  Huh, I would have though trillions of dollars would have made a louder noise in the shift from real to imaginary.

It could even be beneficial for your average Joe (who lives on main street, not Wall Street.  He had to move out of Wall Street because the protesters got too thick).  Minimum wage is still only about eight real dollars an hour, but you can also earn up to 20 imaginary dollars-all you need to do is believe in them.  If you’re lucky, your bank will also believe in them.

Before I get too carried away with these imaginary analogies, though, I just wanted to say: don’t drink and drive.  Unless it was an imaginary drink, in which case, you are not sane enough to be on the road anyway.

11 Things You Need to do on 11-11-11

Comparison of 11-11-11 to y2k and 2012

click to zoom

As a society, we are obsessed with numbers.  As teens, we hate numbers and math.  And, as computer-users, we use numbers everyday.

That means we are a society of teens that is obsessed with hating the numbers we use everyday.  No wonder teens have depression problems-we have no idea when we are supposed to hate numbers or be thankful for them. Depressing.

But, on the bright side, it is going to be 11-11-11 in just a few days. That means the date will be the same forwards, backwards, upside down, in a mirror, in an upside down mirror, upside down backwards in a mirror, and even when eaten, regurgitated, cut in half, and then put against a mirror (for those of you with too much spare time: don’t just take my word for it! Test all that!).

You shouldn’t just let this special day pass, though.  Of course not.  It won’t happen for another hundred years, unless the world ends, in which case it won’t happen ever again.  Thus, I’ve compiled a list of 11 things you have to do as a teen on 11-11-11.

(Note: after writing most of this list, I realized that 11-11-11 is Veteran’s day, so most of us don’t have school.  Regardless, I think you could still do most of these, and for the school-specific ones you should just do them on 11-10-11, in preparation for the big day).

1) Mess with the Lockers

Yes, lockers have a lot of problems; we know that already. However, Lockers will actually be your friend today: get to school early and turn everyone’s lock to the number 11.  Then, wait to see how many people notice.  As you are dealing with other teens, it should be pretty obvious: those who notice will experience a brain overload, so their eyes will start flashing and their ears will emit some sort of smoke.

2) Drive at exactly 11 MPH

If you are old enough to drive, today is a great day to take advantage of your ‘teen driving inexperience.’ Just drive everywhere at 11 mph, and people will write it off as just another bad teen driver.  Caution: if you go on the freeway, make sure you are wearing a crash helmet.  You might even throw on some chain mail armor for added protection and if you want to go for that ‘bad teen driver escaped from mental asylum’ look.

3) Use only 1 or 11 Syllable Words

As I’ve mentioned before we teens are special in that we can communicate in less syllables than cows can. So, like, this is not hard for us to, like, do, right?

Bonus: you can use 11 syllable words also.  Not that I know any 11-syllable words, but I’m sure they exist.  I bet they would make great comebacks to insults: “You’re a loser.” “Oh yeah? You’re an antidisestablishmentarianist*.”

*Okay, so I knew one 11-syllable word, but we all know that one. It means something like: against (anti) this (dis) establishment (establishment) Harry (ari) and (an) fist (ist).  In common terms, basically someone against the establishment of something and willing to both fight for it with their fist and call in J.K. Rowling as well.

4) Buy Lunch in 11-cent multiples

I think this is pretty self-explanatory.  Let’s just say this is why I don’t want to work around teens when I grow up.  And the scary part is, to the teenage me, this actually sounds like something I need to do.

5) Grow an 11th finger

The reason I am giving you this list a few days before 11-11-11 is mainly so you can start working on this one now.  I think an extra finger would be pretty useful, especially when it comes to setting the world-record at your school for Fruit Ninja.  And that is definitely a worthwhile pursuit.

6) Get an 11% on Your Math Homework

If you are smart enough to calculate just how many things you must miss to do this, then you deserve an A anyway.  But don’t let that paradox stop you.

7) Buy $11 Worth of Gum

I am actually going to try to do this myself, which, let me tell you, won’t be easy.  It really puts into perspective the amount of gum I chew each day.  I’ll just have to bear with those fun symptoms of withdrawal in the name of, um, 11-ness.  Seizures, here I come.

8) Raise Your Hand 11 Times in Each Class

Unless you are having a class discussion, this will also be difficult.  However, you can resort to “I, um, forgot what I was going to say,” “I was just stretching, sorry,” “I was waving out the window to the Ax-Murderer outside,” and, “In stretching I looked outside and saw an Ax-Murderer, but I forgot why that is important,” to help you with this.

9) Write the Date on Every Line

Whatever you are writing, make sure to commemorate this special day by putting the date, and only the date, on every line. Name: 11-11-11. Period:  11-11-11. Social security number: 11-11-11. Blood type: 11-11-11.

10) Dial 1-11-11-11

Don’t do this if that number is, for some reason, the emergency number in your area, because if you read my little disclaimer at the bottom of the page, you’re the only one of us who will be going to jail. Otherwise, 11-11-11 is a bad day to have that phone number.  You could even call (1) and then that number for a longer distance call, making it 11-11-11-11.

When they pick up, say something like: “This is the 11th Street Barber shop, we are just calling to remind you to pick up your hair.  It was done at 11:00 this morning; we dyed it gray since you did not choose one of our 11 colors.  Normally it costs $11 extra, but it was free with your promo package.  Please come and pick up your hair before 11:00 tomorrow or we will donate it to a charitable cause. The 11th Street Barber shop: we will literally remove your hair.”

11) Eat some Salt

I’ll bet this is the most widely appreciated form of celebrating 11-11-11 you will find: it appeals to nerds (10% of teens), McDonald’s lovers (20% of teens), and those who eat excessive amounts (50% of teens or 100% of teen boys).  Why salt? Because Sodium is the 11th element in the Periodic table (our good friend, remember?), and salt is sodium chloride.  You could also just eat pure sodium, but I think that you might have to eat charcoal/burnt bread/chalk then also.  Of course, for us teen boys, we have enough appetite for both salt and pure sodium with a side of chalk.

11 things to do on the 11th day of the 11th month of the 11th year.  The only way this list could be more perfect is if it received 11 Facebook likes, 11 Tweets, etc.

Although you could argue that this list would also be more perfect if I had written it entirely in binary, using only 1’s and 0’s (so 11 might show up a few more times).  However, I did want you to be able to read it, and we all know that binary is like Latin: the Romans ultimately rejected them both because they were too complicated.  What? You didn’t know the ancient Romans spoke English? They had a really cool accent, too, a mix between a British accent and a Chinese accent.

Even though I’ve determined that this list is perfect, I ask you: did I leave anything out? What are you planning to do/think should be done on 11-11-11?