2012: A Year in Review (Teen Edition)

(Due to the nature of a humor blog, this post omits the devastating tragedies that befell the US this year. Such tragedies ought to be remembered, but not in a humorous tone. Therefore, recognize that the omission of these events is not because they aren’t important and saddening, but because it would be hugely disrespectful to reflect upon them in a humorous commentary.)

Just some year numbersI was severely disappointed when the world didn’t end on December 21st, 2012, for two reasons. First of all, I knew that whatever aliens/robots/undead creatures rose up to destroy the earth, I’d be spared. There’s nothing aliens like more than laughing at pitiful attempts at earth-humor, and if you make a zombie laugh, well, its ribs sort of shake off, and then there’s not much to worry about after that. Secondly, I knew if the world didn’t end, I, along with the rest of you, would have to go back to school after the holidays.

But before we get too caught up with 2013, it’s important to know just what happened in the past year. And since teens everywhere spent the entire year focused on nothing but sleeping, talking about sleep on Facebook, tweeting about getting no sleep, and instagramming pictures of our beds, we have absolutely no idea what happened.

Fortunately, there’s a thing called the Internet that has lots of info about the past year. Unfortunately, most of the sources present the information using big words and confusing references (who was Richard Nixon, anyway? Is he on the twenty-dollar bill?), so I only gathered a basic understanding of the past year. But, using techniques familiar to us all, techniques that come in handy in making that essay about the use of the word “an” in “Huckleberry Finn” fill five pages, I’ve still managed to write this post.

The World/Universe

As you may remember from our last year in review post, the Middle East had sort of exploded. This year, it continued to explode, while the world tried to ignore it. Syria has gone from “a bad place to live,” to “dude, the real estate prices are negative.” Turkey wants no part in the conflict, and so, logically, it has promised to involve itself if Syria involves it.

In other global news, NASA landed its rover “Curiosity” on Mars. The rover was originally bound for Neptune, but due to an intern at NASA headquarters falling asleep at a crucial moment, the rover instead got sucked in by Mars’ gravity. Thus began a massive-cover up operation by NASA to make it seem like the rover had actually been headed to Mars the entire time.

Also, the Summer Olympics happened in London. The Mayor of London had planned to hold them in the spring, but because of the possibility of rain, they were moved to the summer. The most notable part of the London Olympics was the opening ceremony, which was sort of like Advanced Calculus: they both look impressive, but nobody had any idea what either of them mean.

Nature

Unlike last year’s Irene, the hurricane that hit the East Coast this year was actually a hurricane. Nicknamed “Sandy” by a meteorologist who’d recently divorced his wife of the same name, it unfortunately flooded parts of the East Coast.

One theory behind Sandy’s unusual path was global warming, which continued to slowly cook us. I personally felt the earth increase in temperature by .0000007 degrees Fahrenheit, and I had to start using four or five bottles of antiperspirants a day as a result. Because the green party candidate lost the presidential election, it is predicted that by 2050 we’ll all be either dead or very tan, and scientists, after being exposed to Jersey Shore, are unsure which is worse.

Politics

The presidential candidates of 2012, after putting on an amusing and suspenseful show, all lost the election. President Obama was re-elected, mostly thanks to Bob Smith, who was, somehow, the tiebreaker vote in both Ohio and Florida. Newt Gingrich didn’t mind too much, though, as Geico promised to offer him a mascot position once the gecko retires.

After the election, Washington DC was immediately plunged into the fiscal cliff problems. Sadly, almost nobody has any idea what the fiscal cliff is, because the American population is so fed up with watching “IMPORTANT” or “BREAKING” political news that they’ve all started watching infomercial channels instead.

Teens

Teens were not the focus of many of the top news stories. This is probably a good thing, because most news stories featuring teens also feature kidnappings, runaways, car crashes, petty crime, or a combination of all of those.

As a social group, teens outpaced both adults over 30 and kids in the tech sector. “Instagrammed” and “Snapchatted” both joined the list of verbs that makes your English teacher take a flamethrower to your paper.

This Blog

In 2012, this blog did many things. In case you missed it, at 11:00:02:54:22:09:42 AM, on April 14th, we handed out one million dollars to every visitor. Thankfully, no web service is fast enough to achieve that precision, and we gave out exactly 0 million dollar prizes.

We also started our Facebook page, which features everything but our actual faces. If you’ve yet to check it out, you should definitely do so, as the entire “about” section is original, factual, never-before seen* content.

*since it’s “never-before seen,” I actually have no idea what it says. But “original” and “factual” seem exciting.

Overall, 2012 was clearly a year to remember. There was a presidential election, the battle of Gettysburg was fought, and mysteriously, the people in the Roanoke colony vanished. But now, we can truly get excited, because 2013, by definition, ought to be the year of the teen.

If you didn’t even know that it was 2012, about to be 2013, then you may also want to catch up on 2011. In that case, check out our guide to 2011, Teen Edition.

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Comments

  1. Yeah. I thought that Aurora was going to be the worst thing this year. But when Sandy Hook happened that was just depressing. And so close to Christmas. Jesus save us.

  2. An interesting recap, thanks!

    I wonder whether a zombie is really capable of laughing, though. And I’m pretty sure a hurricane isn’t.

    So don’t get cocky: you’re not safe. You know I’m right.

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