How to Use Clip Art to Make Your Projects Better

Mona Lisa getting ClippedBefore I start, let’s just get one thing straight: clip art is meant for teens. I mean, who else would use clip art?

Adults have no need; they are not graded down for not including relevant pictures in their business report (which is, ironically, entitled “The use of media in the workspace”). Children definitely have no need; Teachers these days are still surprised that 3rd graders already know how to type when it comes time to start ‘All the Right Type’ (or the learn-typing program of choice). And all the 3rd graders know that if they did include clip art, their teachers would be so astounded that they might try to get on Facebook and tell other teachers. This is a bad thing, because it takes teachers like this upwards of 7 or 8 hours just to figure out how to log in to Facebook, not to mention actually communicate with it.

If you don’t know what clip art is, then I’ll tell you. If you do know what it is, you can skip the next paragraph, but you might miss the funniest joke in the whole wide world (then again, you might not. It all depends on if your last name is Gates).

Clip art is a term that refers to the gallery of pictures of Bill Gates’ friends that Bill Gates decided to include in Microsoft word when creating the program. Since this was back before Mr. Gates was incredibly wealthy, he had very few friends, like most computer nerds. Therefore, most pictures featured poorly drawn caricatures of humans, or symbolic sepia photographs of household objects.

But just because these pictures would be considered laughable if they appeared in an art gallery/spray painted on a wall/tattooed to the arm of an NBA star, that does not mean that you should shun your clip art gallery. In fact, you should embrace it as you would an electric eel in front of a group of fellow teens, knowing that it may be hard to get over the shock and pain of stooping so low but also knowing that it appears impressive to the person(s) evaluating you.

And so, the question now becomes, don’t you think that Phil uses too many rhetorical questions in his posts? The answer is: yes, I did up until about three seconds ago, when I started thinking that it was even weirder Phil had started to referring to himself in third person.

No, sorry, the question actually becomes: when and where should you use clip art? That depends.

If your teacher doesn’t actually grade assignments, but just looks at their length, you should use as much clip art as possible. You can print the whole gallery out, frankly, and then just attach those 20 pages to the end of every assignment you submit. Plus, this is also “green,” because rather than having unique assignments, you save paper by just submitting much of the same content.

Sure, this might get you detention/suspended/expelled/thrown off the Grand Canyon (depending on the strictness of your school, ranging on a scale of Hogwarts – where they don’t block social network websites such as Facebook, Twitter, or Fireplaces – to your school, where you could probably be burnt at the stake just for reading this blog), but “Clip art gallery over-submission” looks less bad on your transcript than “Doesn’t turn in homework.”

Another way to use clip art is in PowerPoint presentations. Let’s say you need x number of slides, but you only have x-5 slides. Simply put clip art montages on 5 slides, along with semi-relevant captions such as “This pixelated symbol represents the feelings of ‘unknown’ that Lewis and Clark experienced at times, because neither you nor I know what this symbol is supposed to be.”

A third way to make clip art work for you is to have “technical difficulties” and cover the less-intelligent parts of your paper. For example, if you’re writing about the importance of the printing press, and, after listing all your facts/evidence, have no idea what the importance is, use a relevant piece of clip art (I’d recommend the boy pulling a wagon filled with books, because books=need printing press) to obscure the part that says “…printing press, therefore, destroyed human culture, as it contributed to the creation of Twilight…”

Finally, you can use clip art to release anger or stress that teens usually accumulate (and the less-angry you will create better projects). Simply print out full-size paper clip art pictures, tape them to a bulletin board, and throw darts/pencils/gum/other clip art at them, providing much-needed entertainment.

Last year at this time, we published our first-ever illustrated post, entitled “Future Career Options.” I can’t say enough good things about it, so instead of trying, you should just go read it.

3 Ways to Become a More Obnoxious Teen

yes of course this is obnoxiousTeens are famous for many things, from being unintelligent to being less intelligent than a bowl of kasha varnishkus. Teens are also famous for being obnoxious. Just as singers develop their voice (notice that singers are famous for having a good voice), teens must develop their ability to be obnoxious.

But what if you were born without this obnoxious gene? What if you don’t have the ability to induce ulcers and strokes in those around you? Well, then, I’ve got good news for you: you might be an intelligent ape, or, more likely, a very evolved flea. In which case, you just need to worry about either a) eating fleas, or, b) not getting eaten by apes.

However, by using simple addition, I’ve deduced that you are probably a teen, or, at least a human, if you read this blog. (The addition is as follows: title of blog, “High School Humor Blog” + “You” = “HSHBY”, or “Humans Standing H-united,” pronounced ‘united,’ “for the Betterment of Yetii,” or the plural form of Yeti. If you’d join an organization like that, you are probably a teen).

And so, regardless of the current level of your obnoxiety-skills, they can always serve to be improved. After all, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Faith, hope, and pixie dust. (That, right there, is a good example of an obnoxious joke).

Blast your Tunes

If you walk into a room with your music up loud, and people turn their heads towards you, their faces morphing into an expression of disgust, then you are failing miserably at being a teenager. Your music needs to be so loud that people are already watching the door when you walk in, because they can hear your music from three rooms away.

You can accomplish this a few ways. You could blast music from your earphones/headphones, but unless you want it to sound like the artist recorded their song inside of a tin can during an earthquake, you’re going to need some better equipment.

I’d recommend that you at least bring small, portable speakers around, hidden in your pockets. You can also bring one of those suitcases that is a massive speaker around with you. Heck, you might as well just learn to play a few instruments, such as the drums, synth, and “auto-tune,” and play live, LOUD music.

Whatever you choose, make sure to still leave your earbuds in your ears for effect, even though they aren’t actually plugged in to anything. I’m not even kidding when I say that other teens will find it ‘cool’ and be envious of the volume you can tolerate; it ties back to primordial instincts. Teens assume that anyone who can listen to loud noises must have a smaller brain, so that it is farther away from the sound. Of course, having a small brain is considered a good thing, because it means you’ve got less to worry about when you inevitably hurt your head fighting/thinking/opening the cupboard.

Wear Annoying Clothes

Sure, you might normally wear jeans, but have you ever worn tie-die neon magenta and puke green jeans? How about a T-shirt that says, “You don’t know Diddley?” If not, you’ve been dressing wrong your entire life.

Your clothes need to make a statement louder than your music. They should blind others. You should walk down the street and people should stop, point, and shout, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…walking toward me! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh…..”

But it’s hard to constantly dress like this; that’s why I’m here to help. First of all, never buy conventional colors. This means no blue jeans, no white socks, no brown belts, and no gray T-shirts (unless they say something like “I make it look easy”). Place random holes, loops of metal, and patches on your clothes. Walk by a mirror on your way out the door every morning-if it doesn’t instantly shatter, than you aren’t wearing obnoxious enough clothes.

Develop an Obnoxious Habit

Maybe it’s a burp. Maybe it’s an abnormally high-pitched laugh. Maybe it’s pausing like Obama does…between every…few words. Whatever it is, it’s got to be annoying. It’s got to draw out the veins on the foreheads of those around you faster than, say, Lebron James taking his talents to the New York Giants or the Boston Bruins in the hopes that he’ll finally get a ring.

If you really have no idea where to take this, than you could try to:
• Constantly interrupt others with “Yeah, okay, but who cares?”
• Make your gum more visible than your entire face
• Call everyone you meet “bro,” “dude,” or “homeboy”
• Spit your gum onto other people’s faces while interrupting with “Yeah, homeboy, but, like, dude, who cares?”

I’m not even going to give you a conclusion. Instead, I’ll leave you with a cliffhanger, just to be obnoxious: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s-

If that cliff hanger left you wanting more, than here’s a (less-obnoxious) post from last year at this time: Attack of the Metaphors. Want to know why cheerios are metaphors? Read on.

Everything You Need to Know to Pass History: The Civil War

A map of the civil warAt High School Humor Blog, we’re deeply concerned with your grades. We figure that if you get bad grades, that means less competition for college and job spots (although we needn’t be worried, because we all know that writing at a mediocre level yields more income per year than, say, top-performing dust mites).

With this in mind, we are starting a new ‘series’ that may make appearances every now and then, with the aim of helping you get better grades.

Today’s topic will be the Civil War. Named for John D. Civil, it took place at some point between the birth of the United States and your birth. It is required curriculum in almost every history class, because the guy who comes up with the curriculum was related to John D. Civil (although his name is I. Doo Da-Kericulum; the relation is from his mother’s grandmother’s husband).

Events Leading Up to the Civil War

This is always when your teacher tells you “Oh boy, class, we’re starting the civil war unit today. It’s so exciting-you’ll really like it.” You’ll “really like it” as much as you “really liked” the unit on Hobbes and Locke, and the unit on the Declaration of Independence, and the unit on the Constitution, and the unit on worms that lived in the peat bog outside the Founding Fathers’ homes and did nothing but eat, poop, reproduce, and die.

To save you the trouble of listening, here’s what you need to know. First, there were a number of compromises that occurred, such as the Missouri Compromise (which created the official spelling of the word “Missouri”), the Compromise of 1850 (when people agreed to say “eighteen-fifty” instead of “one-hundred-and-eighty-five-zero”), and the Compromise of the Compromise (when people agreed to stop coming up with stupid compromises for minor things and instead create a curriculum that would require people to study these compromises).

Furthermore, there were tensions between the North and South regions of the United States. This was because people in the south had slaves and the people in the north tried not to have slaves except when necessary (such as when one’s income rose to a level where they could afford slaves). There were also things like economic factors (like taxes/tariffs), cultural factors, and prime factors (like 3, 2, or 7).

The Civil War

The actual war started when one of the states, probably Canada, decided to secede from the union, as in “the farmers woke up one day and pointed to the freshly-sown fields, shouting, ‘Secede (See, Seed)!’, which started the civil war.” From there, things got worse, as the Southern states all followed Canada’s lead by also seceding.

There were notable battles that occurred, such as the Battle of Getty’s Burger, the Battle of Aunty Em, and General Sherman’s March to the Sea. There were also important people that liked to hang around the battle scenes in the hopes that they’d get mentioned by a history textbook, such as Robert “E” Lee, Ulysses “S” Grant, and George “ ” Pickett.

The greatest mis-information to be found in a history textbook deals with Stonewall Jackson; he was not actually a great general. Rather, he was an actual stone wall somebody started calling Jackson when they’d had a little too much to drink, and the actual General of the battle used this joke as a morale booster for his troops.

The life of the common man was terrible on the battlefield. There were many ways to die, all of them horrible, and in addition people had to watch out for Russians. If one was injured, they’d usually get an amputation, and then die a few months later, unless they were Canadian, as the Canadians have always had better healthcare. In that case, they would be given an amputation and die a few years later.

After the Civil War

After the Civil War, an era known as the “reconstruction” era began, as in “Let’s reconstruct the border between us and the aliens that got destroyed during the war!” It was characterized by a lot of amendments to the constitution by Northern republicans to ensure that if the aliens did arrive, they’d at least be able to vote.

Also after the Civil War, the South said, “Okay, sorry, we were wrong about slavery and all the other complex causes of the war.” I’m just joking. Of course they didn’t. Instead, they said something like, “No comment.”

Other important things I might have missed include the mentioning of Frederick “Dred Scott” Stephen-Douglas-Lincoln-Davis, the Battle of Bull Run (where they all traveled to France to fight for animals’ rights), and the Government.

If you can master this material, I guarantee that you will get a history class grade that is so unusual your parents will personally take you to the amusement park of your choice. Then, they will leave you on a ride and drive away as fast as they can.

What were we up to last year at this time? Well, Ted wrote his most popular post to date, entitled “Beware of the ‘K’ Text.” It explains what that text saying ‘K’ really means.

The 3 Undeniable Positives of Valentine’s Day

A Candy BoxYou may not have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, or you may be torn apart by fighting girlfriends/boyfriends/crows* (in which case, you should definitely check out this post on adhesives, because you’ll need one). Obviously, both of these situations are unpleasant and unwanted, and both could occur on Valentine’s Day.

*No, I don’t mean that you are having a romantic relationship with multiple birds; I’m just trying to point out that there is a daily risk, however large or small, of being torn apart by crows.

Wait, but that can’t be right. Did I just say “unpleasant” in regards to Valentine’s Day? Isn’t that the day of love, happiness, and celebration, a day to be spent happily ever after? The answer is: no. You’re probably thinking of a Disney movie, unless there are parents present, in which case you must be thinking of a normal, un-Disney-fied fairy tale.

Seriously, we all know that Valentine’s day isn’t all that it is idealized to be. This is proven by the fact that Valentine’s day was, this year, a Tuesday in February. Have you ever experienced ‘happily ever after’ on a School Day in February? I didn’t think so.

(If you have, then please pretend you haven’t, so I’m not wrong. I hate being wrong. If you are not good at pretending, then I offer you this explanation: You were dreaming. In fact, you might be dreaming right now. This could even be a dream inside a dream…inside a dream. Still so sure of yourself? Nope. And the same thing applies to that question: pretend I’m right, or you might be dreaming. Okay?-Don’t answer that).

(Take that, DiCaprio. I just wrote a more confusing plot in one paragraph then you could portray in a whole movie). (I’ll stop with the parentheses now and go back to the post).

Regardless, there are some undeniable positives of Valentine’s Day, not the least of which being this: if you assume that more people take ‘romantic’ walks outside during Valentine’s Day with their partner, then that means there are many more people outside than normal. This dramatically reduces the odds that you’ll be torn apart by crows.

Here are a few other positives of Valentine’s Day:

The Candy

A whole 4 months after Halloween comes another holiday which offers expectations of candy. Actually, you don’t even have to wait that long, if you celebrate your winter holiday of choice, New Years, New Years Day, the weekend after Finals, and Groundhog Day with candy as well.

Of course, your teeth might rot out mid-January, assuming you continue eating Halloween-like amounts, but I hear that you can use a blender in these extreme cases (to grind up your candy so you can drink it, or even so you can IV-drip it into your veins. Ask your doctor if this is right for you).

Therefore, most wise people wait from Halloween until Valentine’s Day for another candy binge. This means that it is not uncommon to see cheap candy, or to receive candy from your friends, teachers, or elected officials on this day. (“Here, have some sugar, lovely constituent. What’s that-you’re still not going to vote for me? In that case, you can take candy from this special bag. Poisoned? Why would you think that?”)

The Events

Often, to celebrate this holiday (really, just to celebrate the candy), people hold dances, parties, competitions, or other events. These are often fun, and while they are no more romantic than usual, they allow for more opportunity to consume candy, or beverages that are basically candy dissolved in water (or dissolved in acid, depending on the resiliency of the candy).

The Cupids

This is probably the best part of Valentine’s Day, so I’ve saved it for last. I mean, on what other day of the year can you go outside and supposedly see babies out and about. These babies didn’t just master walking; they’ve learned to fly, plus they have mad archery skills! If I ever have kids, I am definitely going to try and ‘raise’ a cupid.

Of course, I’ve never seen a cupid, and neither have you, but I’m sure they exist. For example, take taxes. We’ve probably never seen a “tax” walking down the street/flying and shooting arrows, but our parents are convinced that they exist. Besides, cupids are found in the art of the Renaissance, and we all know that if it’s been pictured by a famous artist, it exists. (Yes, I’m sure that there is an actual room somewhere with melting clocks and a train coming out of the fireplace. It’s right next to the closet where they keep the failed cloning experiment byproducts: the four different color-tinted Marilyn Monroes).

Valentine’s Day is thus neither all good, nor all bad. What is? Even Sandusky is partly good; he had the “good” sense to get himself a lawyer. Regardless, if you consider the fact that Candy is basically gum that you are supposed to swallow, plus more sugary and available in more flavors, than I think you know why I’m counting the days until the next Valentine’s Day.

Readers: In just one of the new things I am planning on trying during this (blogging) year, I am going to highlight a favorite post written about the same time as each post at the end, but during the previous year of this blog.

Today, to start this off, I recommend you read “Poetry is to Me as Metal is to Microwaves,” about poetry, metaphors, and my failures as a poet. If you’ve ever had to read poetry, but aren’t a poet yourself, you’ll love this post (because you’ve got all that extra love you were saving for Valentine’s day, but were unable to use it because I was you were too busy stuffing your face with candy).