1 Year of High School Humor Blog

One yearIf you confronted me (Phil) or any teen in person, and said, “Oh, nice; you’ve now been blogging for a full year,” they/I would reply with a shrug, a noncommittal nod, or a very short vocal reply, such as “ye’,” “coo’,” “‘sup yeah,” “dude,” “‘k” or just simply “””. However, since this is a blog, I am allowed to actually acknowledge the fact that I have been blogging for one year.

That’s what this post will be about. If you care nothing about the people/person (Ted’s 5 posts to Phil’s-my-100+) behind this blog, or nothing about the blog behind this content, and only want “MORE BLOG POSTS. NEED FUNNY WRITING. OOH PICTURES. NOW!” then I advise you to check out the archives and click one post you haven’t read at random. (If you’ve already read all 119, now 120, and you are a teen, then you’ve probably already forgotten them and could do with some refreshing anyway).

First, a review of the posts:

Our most popular post was 3 Humor Blogger Interviews About High School That You Need to Read, mostly because of the traffic it received from those I interviewed. Otherwise, it was 100 Tips for the Substitute Teacher, which is also our longest post.

Our least popular post, by visits, was How Teachers Should Introduce Tests, probably because it was published back when the only people who read this blog were the oompah-loompahs, proof-reading their work (or at least that’s what I’ll tell myself, because that’s a much nicer alternative to: “Wow, dude. That post was…blaaarrggghhh [vomits]”).

Overall, High School Humor Blog published 127 posts, according to the WordPress Dashboard.

The comments:

High School Humor Blog received around 300 comments this year, which isn’t bad, overall. That’s 300 more than 0, and infinity times more (I think) than getting i comments.

We’d like to thank our 4 most frequent commenters (I don’t have the time to count the individual comments, but it’s pretty clear):

We’d also like to thank anyone else who took the time to comment. You have no idea how much it means (unless you blog, you REALLY have NO idea. Trust us).

Our most hilarious spam comment was up for grabs until I saw one that was entirely written in Greek, which took the cake. The only English words I could make out were the sort of words you’d only utter in a tavern of drunk ruffians at 1:00 AM, and even then you’d risk that one of them would pull out a bar of soap and shove it in your mouth.

Readers:

As of this moment, the most readers recorded by Feedburner is 187. Not bad, but not as great as I’d hoped. (I’m a teen, so my realistic goal was to have all literate people reading this blog by the end of the year. I hope that there are more literate in the world than 187, but on the upside, if only 187 people can read, I achieved my goal). Again, I want to thank you all for reading this, unless you are the oompah-loompahs (you should really click through to that link above, so you can understand this joke), in which case: get back to work, please. You’ve got another post due in a few days.

Special Thanks:

There are a few people/blogs whom without his/her/their help this blog would be about as frequently visited as Friendster. Actually, Friendster still has more visitors, but I’ll try not to remember that. These people are:

  • The Bloggess, who not only agreed to be interview (see our most popular post), but then also linked to the post, sending this blog more traffic in one week than it had received in the previous two months.
  • KauaiMark, who was the first blogger to allow us to write a guest post, and is really the reason our blog went from two random visitors a day to a whole ten readers (this was closer to the beginning of the year).
  • You, because you are reading/read this blog. Thank you.

People/Blogs we want to Thank:

While these people have not usually been in direct contact with either Ted nor I, they are still major supporters of our blog. The following blogs/people have linked to our blog without us asking or contacting them (either in a post or blogroll), meaning that our blog is either hacking into their computers and doing this, or our blog is not that bad. I like the idea of the rogue blog, sort of like a modern-day Frankenstein, but nevermind.

These are (I do not endorse any of the content, while I’m sure it’s wonderful, because I don’t have time to read everything ever written on these blogs, and I don’t want to get sued. But you should definitely check them all out, in thanks if for nothing else. They are part of the reason we have not thrown our computers against the wall after one year):

I am positive I missed at least one website that should be on that list, so if I missed yours and you’ve linked to this blog before (not after) this post was published, then send me an email and I’ll add you to the list.

Other:

Other stuff you might find interesting, or useless (in which case you can still read it, just consider it procrastination of actually doing something interesting):

  • This blog switched from Blogger to WordPress in the summer. It was head-ache inducing, but it was well worth it.
  • Our average posting schedule has become one post every 3-4 days.
  • The African Eagle can come to a complete halt in twenty feet after flying at a speed over a hundred miles an hour (bet you can’t remember which post that’s from).

I’m planning on making a few minor additions/changes to the current blog, which you’ll hear about more soon. Thank you for supporting this blog (unless you don’t support this blog, and are being forced to read this by the KGB for some unknown reason. In which case, thank you for at least reading this blog).

Super Bowl Commercials: What’s for us Teens? (And a Fake Gum Commercial)

The gum packetThe Super Bowl aired recently. I believe the statistic is that something like 8-9 billion people watch it every year. Of course, that isn’t counting the people in the stadium, so the number is probably closer to 10 billion-it gets pretty cramped in there.

There are three parts to the Super Bowl that we are all familiar with. The game, which is stressful if your team is playing or entertaining if your team isn’t; the halftime show, which is a music act; and the commercials, or the pinnacle of advertising on TV for the whole year (indicated by the fact that you did not see one commercial selling “Clean my PC” software). This means that the commercials are usually pretty good, aside from the few flops put on by the life insurance companies and accountants.

However, there is one audience the commercials utterly fail to cater to, and that is, not counting the young child, retired women, broke couple, and schizophrenic male demographics, the teen audience. Yes, these commercials fail to target teens. Probably because teens have shown so much consumer intelligence in recent years, being willing to buy things such as rubber bands shaped like Justin Bieber’s hairline, pre-torn jeans, and metal loops for various body parts.

I mean, really, what are we supposed to buy, after watching the Super Bowl commercials? We’re too young to buy beer. We probably don’t have any need for tax agents/software. Most of us can’t drive, and those of us that can don’t even have enough money to pay for the gas/bus ticket to get to the car dealership. All that leaves us is fast food and Doritos. Maybe that’s why America has an obesity problem.

Seriously, though, there is one product I wish I could have seen a Superbowl commercial for.

Gum

Yes, there were some gum commercials that were running recently, but I saw none at the Super Bowl. I think that gum commercials should go like this:

[Opening: a brain surgeon’s workroom. On the metal table in the middle is a patient, whose brain is undergoing an operation.]

Surgeon: Alright people, almost done. This is only my eighteenth surgery in 31 hours. I’m tired, but I think I’ll make it. Can somebody please hand me the thing-a-ma-bob?

Nurse: You mean the the micro-tweezers? Here. [Nurse pulls out a pair of 3-foot long tweezers].

Surgeon: NO! The other thing-a-ma-bob! Hurry!

Nurse: Oh, you mean the precision tool. [Nurse pulls out a replica lightsaber].

Surgeon: No, that thing! Right there! [He points to a walkman lying on the operating cart]. I need it NOW!

Nurse: Gotcha. Here you…zzzzzzzz. [Nurse falls asleep, and a smack is heard as she hits the floor].

Surgeon: Geez! They don’t make nurses like they used to. [He tries to stretch and grab the walkman, but he can’t make it without taking his other hand and its tool away from the patient. Finally, he gives up straining and slowly begins to extract his hand from the patients skull, almost reaching the walkman, but falls asleep at the last second. The patient’s brain starts to smoke, and then melt in a brilliant fireball].

[In walks: Genial Charismatic Gum Salesman. He says nothing, shoots a knowing smile at the camera, and then bends down. He forces gum between the teeth of the nurse and surgeon, and moves their jaws until they start chewing. They miraculously wake up and get the patient’s brain under control].

Surgeon: I feel so, energized! I feel like I don’t even need sleep anymore! [Surgeon looks around in wonder, pausing in his operation, until the patient slaps the surgeon to get back to work].

[Camera cuts to the hallway. We see Genial Charismatic Gum Salesman (with good hair and teeth) walking until he comes to a door that says: Coma Wing. He goes in. A few seconds pass. He comes out. Behind him come people in hospital gowns, walking about unsteadily, mentioning things like, “It’s so good to be out of that coma!” or “I’m fully conscious again!” They are all chewing gum.]

[Cut to white screen, with the necessary brand information and logo animated across. End commercial].

Modern-Day Teen Athlete Concussions

ConcussionsNote to readers: I originally wrote this for the high school football season, but I forgot to post it. I figured I could either wait until next fall or post it right after the Superbowl. Because teens are so patient, you can guess what I chose to do. I don’t intend to come across, though, as one of those people who want an end to football. I enjoyed the Superbowl just as much as you.

Thanks to modern medicine, you know that concussions can be a serious issue. For example, concussions can be hard to spell, which could make you look uneducated. And it’s even harder to spell if you are actually concussed, so you’d have a tough time communicating your injury by text. (“i cant go 2 party, have conkushen.” “wats dat? u get a new pet?”).

So, then, while we’re thanking modern medicine for the knowledge of concussions, we should also thank modern technology for spell-check features.

But back to concussions = serious issue. You see, my theory is that concussions are really no more harmful, than, say, getting hit by a falling piano, mostly because getting hit by a falling piano will give you a concussion. Unless it is a cheap electric keyboard, in which case we should again thank modern technology for warning us, in the user’s manual, not to drop keyboard out window.

Now that you understand that concussions are a serious issue, let’s examine who, among teens, going from greatest to least, is most at-risk for concussions (known as the “concussion-prone demographic” for you business professionals out there who aren’t allowed to use monosyllable words if longer words are available, as it says so on your diploma):

  • Football players (on the field)
  • Football players (on the bench)
  • Football players (on the sideline but not on the bench)
  • Football players (in the locker room)
  • Football players (being carted, immobilized, off the field on a golf cart)
  • Other sports’ athletes (on the field/track)

Clearly, a disturbing pattern emerges: if you play football, it is actually better to be carted off immobilized than stay in the locker room. Also, sometimes people in other sports get concussions (like cross country, if you run too close to a low tree branch and you don’t see it and you have a soft skull and people step on you as they pass you). Mostly, though, it looks like football players have the most concussions, which could explain the stereotype that football players get lots of concussions.

So, then, if you do get a concussion, what happens next? Well, first you black out, and if you are two-dimensional, you may also see stars or birds around your head.

Seriously, though, a few things occur. The first is that you visit a doctor who wants to drop a cat on your head, or scare the cat with a scan, or do a cat scan, whatever that is. This tells you if your brain is still inside your head or if it got dislodged and fell down into your small intestine (this has happened to such bright people as Plaxico Burres, Michael Vick, etc. so believe me).

If you are eventually proclaimed healthy to play again (for football players, the estimated recovery time is thirteen minutes or three “You ready to go back in yet?”s from the coach), you also have to re-pass your concussion baseline test.

For those of you who’ve never heard of this, it is a computerized test that you took at the beginning of the season, the idea being that after a concussion you have to re-pass the same test at the same level to show you are fully recovered. That is, unless your brain actually fell into your intestine, in which case you only need to knock on your head to prove it is now hollow so that getting hit on the head again won’t re-concuss you.

The concussion test asks you a number of questions, many of which have terrific job-training skills value, such as, “Where is the x?” Honestly, the test has many obscure questions which may test your brain’s health but don’t show that you know anything more than how to read and/or click the mouse randomly.

Sadly, colleges, sensing that this, too, is a standardized test, require your results. I’ve heard that top colleges now consider your initial score as well as how fast you recover from a concussion in determining acceptance.

Once you’re back in good health, though, you can re-join your teammates and continue giving other people concussions instead. If you think that concussions sound unpleasant, well, I hear they are hard to get bowling, unless somebody accidentally bowls your skull instead of the ball.