The Invaluable Guide to 5 Spring Sports

A funny punIf you took my advice, which is something you should always do, with a grain of salt, of course (because that way I can blame your consequences on you being mentally impaired by extreme sodium intake as opposed to you having followed my terrible advice), then for the past few months you’ve been walking around with your Invaluable Guide to 5 High School Winter Sports.

However, winter is ending soon, which means, among other things, that this guide is about to become more outdated than a Model-T Ford (especially considering that my parents have kept a Model-T Ford in just-barely-working condition for me so that when I get my driver’s license they won’t care if I wreck my car). In that case, I recommend you replace it with our invaluable guide to spring sports.

After all, more teens generally do spring sports than winter sports. This is because most teens, having procrastinated long enough that they missed the winter sports’ registration deadline, decide that they will turn in their athletic clearance in time to do spring sports. And you, as a teen/parent/child/politician, probably need to know a few things about these sports to avoid embarrassing yourself.

Trust me, you don’t want to be the teen who opens their mouth and blurts: “Hey, guys, did you see how many points our school scored at the Track game yesterday? We had at least three grand slams and two aces. And we had a goal with only 59:23:10 left in the third half.” You don’t want to be this person, because it’s people like this who contribute to the problem of litter on public property. By noon the next day after saying something like that, I guarantee your body will be littered amongst the monkey-bars and ominously creaking swing set.

So, without further ado, mostly because I don’t know what ado is, so I can’t further it (not to mention I don’t know how to ‘further’ something, either), here is your invaluable guide to high school spring sports:

Baseball

Often called “America’s Pastime,” as in “In past times, America used to watch baseball until they discovered football and basketball,” this sport is the most jock-heavy sport in the spring. By jock-heavy, I mean that baseball players will make sure that you know they play baseball. To do so, they’ll use tactics such as wearing their baseball uniform to school, playing catch with their gloves (or “Mitts,” as baseball insiders and republicans call them), and walking up to you and saying, “Yo, dude, I play baseball.”

Baseball games are often unexciting. Of course, this is a relative statement. When I say the games are unexciting, I mean that they appear boring when compared to such fascinating things as brushing one’s teeth and the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

This is why the object of the game is to get a ‘home run,’ which, if it happens late enough in the game, ends the game and allows everyone to run home so they can do something more interesting, like knitting. (One study, which took place three seconds ago in my imagination, found that 95% of all teens who knit do so purely because it will set them apart when applying to college).

If you go to a baseball game it is proper to cheer for some violence, which adds interest, by shouting “Hit!”, or cheer for an end to the collective bargaining agreement of baseball players, which would end the game and relieve the boredom, by yelling “Strike!”

Track and Field

Track and Field is a tricky sport to sum up in a few paragraphs, mostly because Track and Field stands for about 600 smaller sub-sports. You’ve got the pole-vault, 100 meter spring, shot-put, 200 meter sprint, hurdles, 400 meter almost-sprint, javelin throw, 1500 meter run, long jump, 4×100 meter relay, high jump, 196000 meter hobble, jump backwards over the pit of lava, 10 meter sneeze, and, the most impressive event of all, the 1400 meter karaoke step while dodging shot puts and javelins.

This wide variety makes Track and Field somewhat more interesting to watch than Baseball, especially if someone gets hit with a thrown object or two runners smack into each other at high speed. To determine who wins a track meet, taking into account every event, the official scorer rolls a dice and/or officiates a rock-paper-scissors tournament between the two teams.

If you go to a track meet, it is proper to cheer things such as “Run!”, “Jump!”, “Throw!”, or “Duck!” I’d also advise wearing a bicycle helmet in case a javelin or shot put hits you and looking both ways before crossing the track.

Tennis

Tennis is a sport for two types of people: the people who are really good at tennis and the people who want to play a sport without having to be incredibly athletically talented or fit. Obviously, the first type of people generally makes up the Varsity team, while the second type of people end up holding umbrellas over the Varsity team so they don’t get rained out.

Tennis is scored using a simple system of counting by 15 twice, and then counting by 10, and then, if needed, using numbers that are actually words, like “ad in,” “ad out,” or “I don’t remember what the score is, do you?” Then, you repeat that at least six times and repeat all of that at least twice. And then you multiply by the combined ages of yourself and your opponent and divide that by the amount of money you both have in your wallets.

You don’t really need to cheer at tennis matches, because most really good players cheer for themselves using a language as simple as the scoring system (so to our complex human ears, it just sounds like grunts and moan-screams). If you want, you can shout out random numbers during the match to mess up the people keeping score.

Lacross

This sport, known as the ‘snowboarding’ of the spring because of the similar injury rates and coolness factors, involves running around with butterfly nets trying to get a super-bounce ball into a goal.

Lacross is scored by counting the number of goals. At a Lacross match, one should cheer things such as “Ouch!” or “Foul?! Are you blind?!”

Softball

Contrary to it’s name, a softball is actually heavier and larger than a baseball, and does more damage when it hits a window than a baseball does (I’m not speaking from experience, of course. I plead the fifth). This is the girl’s equivalent sport to baseball.

Softball is probably just as boring as baseball, except that instead of pitching overhand, one pitches underhand. This is because people needed a way to keep softball and baseball straight.

Again, as I conclude this ultimate invaluable guide, I recommend you print it and save it for any future use it may have. After all, you don’t know the next time someone will ask you “What’s the infield fly ball rule in baseball?” In which case, you can hand them this guide. They’ll start laughing too hard to remember that they asked you a question, and you’ll be off the hook. (FYI: the rule is that if a fruit fly hits the ball in the air when the ball is in the field, or infield, it doesn’t count and the pitch must be re-pitched).

This being one of our longer posts, I’d really appreciate it if you shared it with others you think might enjoy it (if you liked it yourself, of course).

At this point last year, we were warning you about “3 Common Causes of Phone Death.” If you have a phone, have ever used a phone, or know what a phone is, then you should read that post.

The Movie Industry’s War on Teen Books

A funny movie posterWith the release of “The Lorax” this past week*, this marks the 549,786,235 movie that Hollywood has taken straight from a book. As far as I can tell, the number is probably actually ten digits, but I don’t want to be seen as sensationalizing things.

*At least I think it was this past week. Obviously, being a teen, I’m not going to go check. If it wasn’t last week, let’s just blame the whole thing on daylight savings time for messing up our lives for a SECOND time in twelve months.

But this movie isn’t the only culprit. Oh, no. In a few weeks, you’ll be watching “The Hunger Games.” Also supposed to be released this year are various Batman, Spiderman, and Lord of the Rings rehashings, which, may I remind you, all originated in books.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: are these really unique to teens? Shouldn’t the rest of society be included? The answer to that is probably yes. But this blog is a humor blog dealing with high school, so I’m going to limit this to teens.

After all, it is teens that have more recently read all these books; adults have had years to forget the books and focus on the movies. And after all, the most hated book-to-movie ever, “Twilight,” started with a teen novel.

This is not just a coincidence. The next thing you know, some other terrible book like “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” will become a movie. Oh wait. It already has.

If that’s not mind-blowing enough, know that it won’t stop here. There are more bad books than good books, so there are going to be more bad movies made than good movies made. Heck, they’ll probably turn your calculus textbook into a movie, and call it “Useless Math: A Journey to find Purpose.” The sequel will be called “AP Useless Math: And You Thought the First One had No Plot.”

This leaves us teenagers two choices when faced with this attack. We can respond diplomatically, or we can respond with our own war on the movie industry.

The diplomatic response would be to fly to LA and talk to anyone who’ll listen. However, this too often turns into an “Occupy” movement, although we know that LA has many less tanks than Syria. Besides, the only people who will listen will be the lower status movie workers, such as the actors’ aides and makeup artists.

Assuming they do listen and take action, we’ll just end up with badly adapted movies featuring actors with sloppy makeup, hair in their eyes, and who are falling asleep, as their assistants got them decaf on purpose. Although in some instances, like the “Twilight” one, this would have definitely been an improvement.

Personally, the teen in me (which is about 99% of me, the other 1% being the end of my dinner that isn’t totally digested yet), likes the war idea better. I propose that we take drastic action.

We need to hold every author hostage until they sign an agreement stating that they won’t sell their book rights to the movie industry. However, with the rise of self-publishing, we’ll probably need some help in the manpower department (or womanpower, or humanpower, or corporationpower, or whatever is politically correct right now).

Therefore, I think we should enlist the help of the communists, Arabs, and occupiers, as they’ve got some vital mass uprising experience. Sure, to date, none of these movements have worked as planned, but, hey, at least they’ve worked out better than any French Revolution (yes, singular; pick any one of the seven revolutions that you prefer).

However, carrying on this scenario, I suppose the movie industry will retaliate with Titans, Transformers, Superheroes, Zombies, General Destruction, Talking Animals, Sparkling Vampires, and, worst of all, People with Refined British Accents. Meaning that we’d probably lose.

But then, if you take the scenario even farther, real life, during this epic battle, has become more interesting than the movies, and, having lived every movie ever made, no one will be willing to buy or watch movies any more. Thus, the movie industry loses.

Of course, that isn’t to say we don’t lose also, as even just the cute Talking Animals are probably enough to end society as we know it. But at least we could fake winning, and make the movie industry angry.

For example, you could wake up every morning and say: “Oh boy, am I looking forward to today. A breakfast of frozen waffles salvaged from the still-burning store, then a grueling hunt to find other survivors in the radioactive once-city, then a quick detour around the Zombie Robot den, and then a dinner at the bomb shelter on second street, of talking fish.”

Whereas the movie industry must say: “Oh boy, I am not looking forward to today. Nobody is buying our movies. Also, my house was destroyed when we had that tornado felled that skyscraper. And my imaginary friends have turned into horror movie villains. Darn.”

With this situation in mind, I guess that war is probably not the best solution, in this case. But neither is diplomacy. I think the ideal solution, then, is to force the movie industry to constantly watch their own book-to-movie movies after making them read the original, well-written book. If they don’t fall into depression/regurgitating meals/schizophrenia and stop making movies like these, then I don’t know what will work.

Last year at this time we focused a bit more on daylight savings time, with a post entitled “The 5 Types of Morning Teenagers.” Since you lost an hour this weekend, you now need to procrastinate even more intensely to make up the lost time. I recommend you start there.

It’s Forecasting Season, which means You Need to Beware of Fores

A Fore, a made up creatureDid you know that 1 out of every 1 high school student will have to forecast (plan/schedule) his/her classes for next year? I didn’t either.

I mean, I always figured that they would make exceptions for the kids who had lost both arms in freak teen sleep accidents (please, take my advice: don’t operate heavy machinery when asleep), but clearly, statistics don’t lie. I guess that they just have to bite on their pencil and write with their mouth, or maybe strap the pencil to their belly button and work their abs.

The significance of this statistic is that it shows how forecasting has become a high school epidemic, to the point where not even those who have lost their right to bear “arms” must take part.

But what is forecasting, really? That’s a good question. And like most good questions, it deserves an elusive answer that changes the subject at the same time: forecasting is the action of casting a fore.

Since I have absolutely no idea what a fore, as a noun, is, for the purposes of our combined sanity we’ll imagine it to be a little furry mammal with sharp pointed teeth, about the size and shape of a baseball. Often, your local country club uses packs of these vicious mammals to take care of obnoxious golfers who won’t stop shouting “FORE!”

Obviously, then, you’d want to stay away from fores, or, as I’ve decided to call them, land-piranhas, and if you did come upon one, you’d cast it away. Hence, forecasting.

Today, though, due to a number of environmental issues that can all be tied back to the BP CEO’s Hummer 3 (which gets 0.0031 miles per gallon, on the highway), fores have gone pretty much extinct (partly because they never actually existed), and so high school forecasting is only symbolic.

For example, you want to cast away all the bad classes you’d never want to take when choosing your classes. This means you should not just cross off, but burn off, the options of taking AP Micro History of 1673, English Grammar Explorations, and Advanced Conceptual Theoretical Astrology from your forecasting sheet.

However, you can’t just leave the sheet blank; you do actually have to schedule something. Otherwise, if left up to your counselor, you’ll be ‘randomly’ assigned to classes taught by the teachers who legally have to wear a metal muzzle during class hours (sort of like Hannibal Lecter).

Actually, this brings me to my first point. One should always consider which teachers teach which classes. After all, if the teacher is a criminal, lunatic, or European noble (meaning, due to inbreeding to preserve noble blood, that they have really do have eyes in the back of his/her head), you probably don’t want to take that class.

Another thing to consider is that you have to weigh your favorite options and decide which are the final ones to make it onto your forecasted schedule. If you were rich, you could film a reality TV series pitting one class title against another, but since reality TV only serves to show just how many advertisements for cars can air back-to-back in one commercial break, I suggest you just throw darts, flip a coin, or pick the class with the shorter title.

This means that it will save you work, because you don’t have to write as much when recording your choice. This is why I always pick AP Bio over a class like Physical Education; I don’t want to write two words when I can just write five letters.

It is important to remember, however, that whatever you forecast has very little effect on your actual schedule next year. We’ve all heard the horror stories of the kid who ended up with no lunch, seven Algebra classes, or, worst of all, six classes titled “History of the Cheerio.”

These occurrences are due to the fact that a computer program has the final say in your schedule, and schools, being under-funded, can only afford the version of the software with the intelligence of your average brussel sprout. Really, then, the best forecasting procedure is simply a prayer to whomever sells this poorly created program that if an error has to occur, you’ll end up with five early release periods.

All in all, it doesn’t really matter what you forecast, how you forecast, who does your forecasting, why you forecast, where you forecast, or when you forecast, because a computer gets the final say. So, I recommend you use your forecasting sheet to fend off any un-extinct fores that could attack you as you walk to school, because, as I forgot to mention, many of them have rabies.

At this time last year, we published a terrific illustrated post entitled “The 3 Ways Teenagers Keep a Poker Face.” In case you’re sick of all this text, you should check it out; it’s got 8 pictures. Or, if you want more text, well, it also has text in it.

Everything You Need to Know to Pass Science: Chemical Reactions

A dangerous reactionIn continuing the High School Humor Blog series of posts that teach you everything you need to know to pass your classes, cleverly titled “Everything You Need to Know To Pass [Class],” I’ve decided to cover Science/Chemistry Class (why do we bring you these informational posts? Read the first paragraph here).

One of the interesting things about science class is that science is generally the easiest class to fail. You use one milligram too much of a substance, and BOOOOOOM! Just like that, your results are ruined.

Plus, and worse, the classroom has turned into a charred skeleton of what it was merely seconds ago, with parts of it still on fire. And the FBI Anti-Terrorism task force shows up, and before you know it you’re spending the rest of the semester in a solitary confinement holding cell hoping that your lab partner will hurry up and get out of the ICU so that he/she can visit you and bring candy.

Therefore, the first thing to keep in mind when dealing with chemical reactions is: never be the one to blame. Have your partner measure the chemicals. Heck, have your partner do the whole lab – you can offer your valuable commentary (for added value, give the commentary in a British accent). Or, if you must do the lab, make sure that you get your partner’s fingerprints all over the test tubes first.

Another part of chemical reactions is the fact that many of them are actually supposed to go BOOOOM!, give off toxic fumes, or contain substances that, if you get them on your skin, will burn right through your bones until that section of your limb falls off. Therefore, in most chemistry classes, safety, or a lack of safety, also impacts your grades.

However, there is only one part to safety, and that is: wearing goggles. Sure, they might be uncomfortable, awkward, dumb-looking, and have mold growing on the nose piece, but rest assured, if your lab suddenly sends shattered glass towards your eyes, only the rest of your face will be harmed. Plus, you don’t have to worry about toxic fumes, because the smell of the shared goggles will have already done whatever damage the fumes might do to your brain.

But the central idea you must grasp, if you want to pass Chemistry, is: why are you doing chemical reactions? The answer to this is: because even chemistry teachers have a sense of humor. They purposefully choose dangerous or amusing reactions, just to see how the students react (pun intended).

I mean, given the option, which would you rather do, lecture on the properties of particles so small that you are actually allowed to take billions of these particles through airport security, or watch teens with no common sense handle dangerous, fuming, explosive chemicals that could end up altering their brain so that they start acting like a bird or even lead to the loss of their arm or torso?

Once you’ve grasped this, you can realize that the true way, and the easiest way, to pass Chemistry is to provide your teacher with as much lab entertainment as possible. Got a bologna sandwich for lunch? Toss it in with the copper oxide over the burner and see what happens. Is your lab partner trying to text in class? Drop their phone in some water and then add francium, or acid, or both.

Heck, take your whole chemical setup and toss it, burner, ring stand, test tube, and all, out the window to ‘test’ the effects of gravity on your reaction. You’ll even get extra credit for hitting a jock (with a brain the size of one of those yogurt-covered raisins, the ones that look appetizing until you actually try one) and making him/it think that the Russians are attacking.

Personally, I think the most vital part of Chemistry, regardless of the grade, is to make it out of the class in one piece. It is difficult to pass the class if you miss school for a hospital stay, solitary confinement imprisonment, or trip to a government lab because of an acquired mutation.

This is why, to ensure your safety, I recommend buying Kevlar clothing, treating it with flame-retardant, and then putting on one of those X-ray lead jackets you get at the doctor’s office. You should also wear a gas mask, hair net, football helmet, and, on top of that, a beekeeper’s hat. For certain labs, you may even want wool mittens or a hockey mask.

I’d love to give more advice, but my three remaining fingers are getting tired and the hole where my nose used to be needs to be drained. Also, my vision is still a little asfwe yaago qpeeee