3 Uses for Your Vacation Pictures

A funny picture of a funny pictureYou just returned from your long-awaited trip to somewhere warm, like the surface of the sun. Thanks to your smart phone, digital camera, and your camera/phone case which can withstand heat up to 10,200ºF, you took 4,322,566×1039 pictures.

Now, if you’re thinking, ‘hold on, that seems like a lot of pictures,’ let me explain: it’s not. Assuming you are awake for at least 8 hours a day during your vacation, you would only have to take 1.5×1012 pictures every second. I bet you took that many without even thinking about it.

The real issue becomes what to do with these pictures. You don’t want them to just sit around on your computer hard drive (assuming your hard drive has at least 90,000,000,000 terabytes of space, which it probably does unless you bought a computer meant for the average consumer. In that case, you need to get one of those top-secret government models; you know, the ones so secret that it is a felony just to talk about them).

No, you want people to SEE your photos. In that case, there are a few things you can do.

Facebook

Yes, the most obvious choice is to put the photos up on Facebook. Pick one and make it your wall photo, and take the rest and shove them in an album. Then, sit and wait. If you are really desperate, you can post that “i just returned from trip and was awesome check out my fotos please:) im desprate realy desprate please please.”

After all, this is what everyone secretly wants but is too scared to admit to wanting: trillions of vacation pictures that are boring, repetitive, and show just how much fun people had without you. Trust me, that’s why people still post all of their vacation photos on Facebook every year.

Actually, this might lead to your losing every Facebook friend you’ve made, although you should be able to keep your real life friends*.

*We all know this is wishful thinking. You don’t have any of those anymore. But at least you’ve still got twitter.

The other way to use your photos on Facebook, then, is to tag famous people who aren’t in the picture. For example, if you have a picture of a gecko, tag Newt Gingrich. If you took a picture at a baseball game, tag Mitt Romney. And, of course, all of your photos from Boulder Colorado or the Grand Canyon need to have Barack Obama tagged.

Create a Career

Upload all of your photos to your stock photo website of choice, setting the prices as low as possible. Then, set a goal of selling 1 photo. Assuming everyone else on the website is an adult, meaning that they can only take 4 or 5 pictures a second, your massive supply will mean it is virtually impossible for you not to sell at least one photo.

As soon as you’ve sold 1 photo, you can truthfully say that you are a successful professional photographer. If you want to put it on your college application, call yourself a self-trained successful moneymaking professional in-demand highly skilled premium grade artistic photographer.

Photo Albums

Photo albums are generally lightweight and pretty. Sadly, that means that teen boys have little use for them. You can’t throw them at anyone, because they are too light, and you can’t keep them anywhere visible, because they are too pretty.

All of these problems are solved, though, when you fill them with your own photos. They become both heavy and meaningful. All of a sudden, you have blocks of meaningful heaviness that you can use to:

  • Throw at someone
  • Whack someone with
  • Use for school projects
  • Build a house out of
  • Build an awesome house out of in a way that you can remove parts of the walls and whack people with them
  • Use aforementioned house for school projects

Whichever option you choose, I’m sure it is the right choice. There is only one wrong option, and that is: doing nothing. After all, you need to force your friends/politicians/teachers/family/pets to see each and every photo.

I mean, how could you live with yourself if you selfishly refused to share every one of the 4,322,566×1039 masterpieces that you took? You couldn’t.

At the end of July 2011, we launched our ebook, titled “50 Essential Skills Every Teen Must Have.” It’s completely free, and you can pick up your copy (if you haven’t already gotten it) on our ebook page.

2 Important Actions You Can Take to Stay Safe this Summer

As always, click the image to zoom

As teens, we supposedly have bad judgement. I say that’s not true; I even went so far as to permanently tattoo ‘Teens hav good brainz’ to the bottom of my foot in neon pink ink in protest.

If that is true, though, that means we are never totally safe. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be safer than we already are. For example, are you wearing a seat belt right now? What about a crash helmet? I don’t care that you’re sitting at your computer; you can always be safer.

And so, in the interest of keeping you safe so you can read this blog and promote it to your friends and spray paint it onto the side of your house, I’ve decided to bring you some safety tips.

Now, these aren’t just average safety tips. You won’t hear about “don’t talk to strangers*” or “don’t take candy from strangers.” No, these safety tips cover the important summer things: the life or death situations.

*Interestingly enough, most strangers have forgotten how to have a conversation because nobody ever talks to them. So you probably don’t need to worry. And, if you find a stranger who can still talk, ask him for some candy; for the same reason, most strangers’ pockets are practically overflowing with candy.

Disclaimer: this being a humor blog, you should always take anything we say with a grain of salt. Including when we tell you to take our advice with a grain of salt. And that last sentence, also, where we are telling you to take our advice of taking what we say with a grain of salt with a grain of salt. Look, just go drink/eat a saltshaker and you’ll be fine, okay?

Use that Sunscreen

Why is this important? Well, as you probably know, there is this thing called skin cancer. And even though your water bottle, computer, cell phone, food, toothpaste, science class, and bar of uranium that you keep in your closet just in case may also give you various cancers, by putting on sunscreen you can hopefully avoid skin cancer.

That’s not actually why I’m telling you this, though. No, see, the other benefit of putting on sunscreen is that you won’t get too tan or a sunburn. If you get sun burnt, a number of bad things can happen, although becoming too tan is even worse.

A sun burn can lead to: red skin, sensitive skin, peeling skin, purple skin, yellow skin, turquoise skin, burning skin, dead skin, painful skin, reincarnated skin, zombie skin, or even skinned skin. Plus, it lasts for a few days, which will, like, ruuuuuuiiiiinnnn your entiiiiiiiire LIFE.

If you thought that was bad, then you definitely want to avoid becoming too tan. First of all, being too tan means you’ll look like a freak to anybody who sees you. Since personal appearance is really the only thing worth caring about when it comes to making a first impression with someone you’ll never see again, this means you will forever be thought of as an alien by dozens of people.

Furthermore, you’ll spend the next few days (which is, like, your entiiiiire LIFE) hearing jokes about Jersey Shore, orange the fruit, orange the color, orange the juice, and orange the knock-knock joke, all aimed at you. This will eat away at your self-confidence until you have to go in for therapy and develop an intense phobia of anything orange.

In conclusion: put on sunscreen. Except it isn’t sunny, in which case don’t, unless you want to look like you just climbed out of the mayonnaise jar.

Use that Bug Repellant

During the summer the number of bloodthirsty, evil, hate-filled, war-mongering, hawk-eyed, heartless bugs increases. This is due to the scientific fact that if you go outside in the summer, you won’t freeze to death. Sadly, neither do the bugs.

You really don’t want to get close to the bugs, especially if you are on vacation in a warm place. Often, these bugs are larger than a small helicopter and have a number of stingers, pincers, poisons, or bad songs they want to get stuck in your head. Not to mention that they carry diseases that you’ve never heard of but will kill you regardless (such as West Rocky Mountain Lyme Nile Malaria Virus Fever).

Thankfully, the solution to your problems is this thing called DEET. It stands for: Dear Extra Evil bugs: please leave me alone, Thanks. (Obviously, DEEBPLMAT was both ridiculous and not marketable, so they shortened it).

Most bug repellants have DEET, so all you need to do is use them. However, due to the chemical nature of DEET (be warned: it might give you cancer), you should not put it on your face, exposed cuts, or on your food. On the bright side; if you eat healthy (yuuuuuuuuck), most bugs are smart enough to avoid that food anyways.

So, as I leave you (just a few more spoonfuls of salt, you can do it), a word of caution: if you wear bug repellant and sunscreen at the same time, you may have a hard time convincing anyone that you are actually stupid enough to be a teen.

If you’d rather hear about the fun parts of summer, you should check out, “5 Places that You Need to See, Eventually.” A rare post by Ted, it offers you 5 vacation destinations.

Why Beat the Heat? Some Cool Activities

Funny Picture of Beating the HeatRecently, or semi-recently, or – hey, wait a minute, how can something be semi-recent? It’s either recent or it isn’t, duh – anyways, there was a heat wave sometime in the past that hit a large part of the East Coast. And, in an effort to stay topical for the rest of you not on the east coast, it is also hotter in the summer than it is in, say, an industrial freezer.

That’s natural, though, right? One of the nice things about summer is that the weather is usually better. Usually. Save the flash floods in Russia. But Russia is backwards, so it’s probably more like winter there anyway.

Heat is great. It allows you to go swimming without getting too cold, eat popsicles without getting too cold, and nail friends with water balloons without them getting too mad. Or, if they want to get really mad, at least it keeps them from getting too cold.

But these days, you see all sorts of articles and newscasts that are titled things like “10 Ways to Beat the Heat,” “Beating the Heat,” and “Beat that Heat! Take it Outside, Grab Your Rug Beater, and Whack the Living Daylights out of That Heat!”

Why does this happen? I have no idea. It can’t be because ‘beat’ and ‘heat’ rhyme. You don’t see a lot of articles entitled, “Why You Should Be Spittin’ at the Kitten,” or “Take Charge of Your Finance Barge!”

It must be because people don’t like the heat, then. But as a teen, what’s not to like?

The Outdoor Activities

The heat opens up a wealth of new options that might never have occurred to you.

For instance, street cooking. I’m sure you’ve at least heard of this. Take some aluminum foil and cold food (like a frozen pizza, or some leftover pizza, or possible even some homemade pizza) and find a patch of hot asphalt in a street. Then, here comes the really great almost-like-science part where the magic happens. Take the cold food and build a structure of it up around the aluminum foil roll. Eventually, your aluminum foil will become hot enough to eat! For flavor, consider leaving out the aluminum foil until it is run over by a car.

Another thing you can do when it is really hot outside is to watch ice melt. Take some ice and put it on some hot asphalt. It will melt. The cool thing is, not only does the ice totally disappear, it also leaves a puddle of water behind! Even though you didn’t have any water to begin with! And you thought that the street cooking was magic.

The Indoor Activities

Inside, it is more than likely you have at least one fan out and running. All you need to do is pick up this fan and hold it horizontally above your head, like a helicopter propeller. Then, just wait until you lift off of the ground.

Like a helicopter, though, you can’t steer. That’s why in the movies it’s always the helicopter that crashes. While the best helicopter pilots have learned to maneuver by adjusting their weight by throwing passengers out the door, you don’t have that option. That’s why this is an indoor activity; you can’t possible get high enough to have a lethal crash.

There are other great things you can do indoors as well. For example, you can make a game out of mopping up your melted plants, pets, and family members. You can watch the weather report and notice how much smaller they make the font when the temperature reaches 3, 4, or 5 digits. Best of all, you can go on the computer and read this blog, or your other favorite blogs. But candidly speaking (I mean, I’m not trying to be catty or anything), I’m sure that they aren’t as good as this blog.

Whether you’re indoors or outdoors, there are many awesome opportunities that the heat affords. Besides, wait until winter. Then, it’ll be time to for “10 Ways to Scold the Cold.”

Last year at this time we published “Do You Know the Real Costs of Braces?“, which, if you’ve ever had braces, you’ve ever known anyone with braces, or you know what braces are, you should definitely check out. As a bonus, it is one of the classic illustrated posts, with a whole 5 pictures.

Cooking (for Teens): Not as Much Fun as it Sounds

A microwave. (With a funny caption)Remember when you learned how to ride a bicycle? It took a while, and you probably mortally wounded yourself a couple of times, but after you learned, you realized you wouldn’t ever forget.

See, we all like things like that: you learn them once, and you don’t forget. Reading, talking, walking, flying, mind-reading, etc.; once learned, you don’t ever have to re-learn it (some of you lesser beings, though, may not ever learn them in the first place).

But cooking is scary for two reasons. First, it’s not like mind-reading; learning how to cook makes life easier. Secondly, you can’t learn it. Ever.

See, you learn to cook forever. Sure, you might know how to make spaghetti and meatballs, but unless you want to eat that for three meals a day for the rest of your life, you’re not done learning*. And we both hate learning.

*Not that there is anything wrong with that. Especially when you get to college.

Plus, there are a number of exceptionally bad parts to cooking.

The Oven

The oven is this futuristic metal cabinet where you are not actually supposed to store anything in, including dishes, pets, plants, pet plants, and explosives. Instead, the oven is to remain empty, taking up space, save for the hours you use it to cook.

Obviously, then, to make it seem like a more worthwhile use of space, you should use the oven whenever you can, for: meats, fish, things that need to be heated, things that need to be cooked, and school projects that you hate and/or need an authentic crispiness.

Additionally, most ovens have tops. These tops get hot. To make them hot, you can turn the control dials. However, none of these dials make any sense; they have numerical markings, usually from 1 to 8 or 9. That is not helpful. I mean, how do you know whether to use “3” or “7” when grilling something? You don’t, and this is the number two cause of anxiety disorder amongst teens, I believe.

Lastly, and most importantly, is the ‘off’ switch. But there is not just one off switch. Oh, no. There is an off switch for each of the circles on the oven top, an off switch for the oven, an off switch for the warming drawer, and an off switch for the warming circle on the oven top. Plus, thanks to the engineers who built the ovens, the ‘on’ switch for each of those is right next to the off switch.

This means that you will never be sure if the oven is off. You might leave the house never having touched the oven since four weeks ago when your parents/you decided you would learn how to cook and then promptly gave up, but it doesn’t matter, because if the oven is on the house will probably burn down and that will ruin all chances for world peace.

Needless to say, the solution is that once you’ve become a ‘chef’ and learned about the oven, you should never leave the house. If you really need to leave the house, take the oven with you.

The Recipe Instructions

Okay, so you’ve finally managed to figure out how to use the oven without burning down the house (probably around your third or fourth house or so). Now you are ready to move on to the next step: following a recipe.

See, most cook books include recipe instructions that go like this: they show you a list of the needed ingredients, then they have the preparation steps, and then they show you a picture of the finished product that is so mouth watering and appetizing that many amateur cooks just cut out that picture and serve/eat it instead. Oh, that picture will also make you feel terrible when you compare your result to it, thus creating another detrimental psychological condition that could have been avoided if cooking had never been invented.

The hardest part about following recipes, though, is the vocabulary. Sure, thanks to that horror known as English class you know what words like detrimental, psychological, and condition mean, but you probably won’t know any of these.

In an effort to make your life easier, I’ve compiled a list of the most common words and their definitions:

  • Boil: to put in water that is bubbling. Also a painful skin condition. Use “Context Clues” to figure out which is the intended meaning.
  • Broil: a common typo due to the fact that the letter ‘r’ on a keyboard is nowhere near the letters ‘b’ or ‘o’ or ‘i’ or ‘l.’ Boil is intended; see above.
  • Preheat: turn the oven on. Or maybe the range top. Or possibly the warming drawer. Or all three.
  • Puree: A French word. Like most French things, it is a fine detail and can probably be ignored.
  • Baste: Don’t worry about it. It’s more complicated than the Higgs Boson particle.

The Final Product

As a beginning cook, and a teen, your final product will probably not taste very good. That’s if you’re lucky, of course; in extreme cases it will lead to food poisoning, vomiting, choking, or a broken tooth.

Furthermore, you will have created an installment in your kitchen known to the masses as ‘modern art’ and known to your parents as a ‘mess.’ Because of the teen code, though, you are not allowed to even think about cleaning up this mess for another week.

Clearly, learning cooking is nothing like learning to ride a bike. The good news is, bike riding is a more useful skill; with a bike, you can become a take-out delivery person and hopefully get enough of an employee discount that you will never have to worry about cooking when you go off to college. You’ll have more important things to worry about, I hear, like affording food.

Hopefully, instead of cooking, you’re going on vacation. In which case, you might want to know about “4 Annoying Airplane Regulations for Teens,” which was covered last year at this time. Also, I must say, the picture accompanying that one is pretty good.