3 Brilliant Ways to Use Water Balloons

A water balloon about to explodeThe concept of the water balloon is perfect. It is part humor, part adrenaline, part skill, part luck, part projectile combat, and part public admiration/humiliation.

However, the execution of the water balloon is not so perfect. For one thing, filling them up. They take anywhere from 3 to 18.1 trillion seconds to figure out how to hook them up to the hose, and then another 5 seconds to fill with water. It takes only 1 second for the balloon to be thrown and explode.

Furthermore, nobody likes picking up the pieces of a shattered water balloon. Which means you either clean up, which is not something any sane teen enjoys, or you leave the pieces outside on the ground. And if you do that, your conscience has to wrestle with the possibility that a number of cute small mammals or birds choke to death on those pieces of neon balloon, all because you were lazy. So you end up cleaning up.

All of sudden, you might be questioning the worth of the water balloon. Does it take more time to prepare and clean up than the enjoyment is worth?

Of course not. Are you kidding? You get to nail somebody with what’s essentially a flying projectile filled with water, totally soak them, and, if done correctly, watch their facial expressions as well. To teens, that’s worth more than half of the US nuclear arsenal (“Yes, Mr. Kim Jong-Un, just stand here and face me. I’ll throw the balloon and then hand over the control panel.”).

Even so, there are ways to make your water balloon experience even better.

The Windows

Most people would agree that the element of surprise is great ally to have. They would be right. When it comes to a successful water balloon strike, this is vital.

However, in most cases, the surprise is lost after the first balloon. That’s not true in this case.

What you need to do is to find an area in your house or apartment with a number of consecutive windows. For added effect, use windows not on the ground level. Open them all. Then, run back and forth amongst the windows, tossing only one balloon from each one. If you are lucky, you will run out of balloons before being discovered.

Disclaimer: High School Humor Blog (from herein, referred to as ‘us’ or ‘we’. Yes, we may not refer to ‘us’ again in this disclaimer, but we wanted to get that clear regardless) is not responsible if: you fall out of the window; your victim sues for undue mental distress; or you fall out of the window onto your victim and they sue for undue mental distress.

The “Made You Look”

Acting skills are a must. You should hide just one water balloon somewhere on you, like a pocket, bag, or sock (“What, that? That’s just my insane calf muscle.”).

If you want to carry more than one balloon (not recommended), you could use a trench coat or top hat. When people ask you why you might need a trench coat/top hat in the summer, just reply, “If you need to ask, you will never understand.”

Then, find a friend/enemy to walk alongside with, one who is preferably either weaker than yourself or not prone to physical violence. After a few minutes, point to the sky on the other side of your friend and say either: a) (for rural/suburban areas) “Wow, look at that humongous flying semi-invisible bird!” or b) (for urban areas) “Wow, look at that humongous flying semi-invisible bird!”. (The difference, by the way, is in the voice inflection, in case you didn’t figure that out).

As soon as they turn their head, whip out the balloon and nail them with it. From there, you can either ad-lib an explanation (“Dude, the bird totally just dropped a bomb on you! Gross, and yet sick, man.”) or just keep a totally straight face and act like nothing is wrong.

The Sneeze

The value of this one is in seeing others’ reactions, although, on the downside, you don’t get to nail anyone else with a balloon. Set it up like you would the previous one, with a hidden water balloon. Then, pretend to sneeze, while crushing the water balloon in front of your nose. Total chaos and fake disgusting-ness should ensue.

Note: Not recommended for use in front of mature persons, because unlike teens they might get genuinely concerned and feel a need to take you to the doctor/hospital/government research lab.

So, whether you go with using the element of surprise (#1), using the element of surprise (#2), or using the element of surprise (#3), water balloons are sure to make your summer better. Although if you live in a cold climate, beware of hypothermia, pneumonia, and, um, drowning (long story short, don’t do these on thin ice). Really, though, the fun that water balloons create (for you, at least) totally outweigh the – hey, look at that giant flying cloud!

If you’re having a more serious summer, perhaps you’d like “3 Ways to Tour A College,” published at this time last year.

It’s Summer; Sleep In Until Bedtime

A 'math' equation about sleepNow, if you think about it, sleep is pretty awesome. For one thing, you can’t do homework (not good) while asleep. You can’t do chores (also not a good thing to do) while asleep. If you’re asleep, you’re not dead (another thing it’s generally terrible to be), unless, of course, you are using the word sleep as euphemism*.

*And that’s just not right. Are you sure you’re a teen? How do you even know that word?

But some people aren’t so gung-ho about sleep. You probably don’t even do those people the justice of calling them human; you probably call them parents.

Now it’s not as if all parents are against sleep. No, they want us to get sleep. However, they want us to get sleep when they say so. This, dear readers, is a problem.

When to Be Awake

Ideally, you’d be awake from the hours of 7:00 PM through to 6:00 AM. We all know that those are the best hours. First of all, the fact that it is summer means the sun is out a lot. If you are outside during the day, you might get sunburnt. Worse, there is a 100% chance that you’ll maybe probably get skin cancer. That’s awful.

But if you’re out and about from 7:00 PM-6:00 AM, it is unlikely you’ll get skin cancer. The sun will be setting and rising, not directly above you.

There are other benefits to these hours as well. For example, food. Breakfast is by far the best meal of the day; it is the meal where you can basically eat just dessert. You can choose from sugary cereals, pancakes and syrup, waffles and syrup, oatmeal and brown sugar, orange juice that was ‘naturally’ sweetened, toast and cinnamon-sugar, fresh fruit and syrup, syrup and sugar, and, best of all, sugary cereal and syrup with a light dash of sugar.

So, let’s say you get up at the nice ripe time of 7:00 PM. You should have breakfast, because you just woke up. Then, you might have a snack, which, by definition, should be junk food or leftover breakfast. By 12:00 AM you’re ready for lunch, and, oh, would you look at that, it’s the AM again, so you should have breakfast food. Then, at 5:00 AM, you should eat a dinner, but who eats steak or pasta at 5:00 AM? That’s just weird. So, you should have breakfast foods again.

Why There is No Problem Here

I’m positive that, as a teen, you agree with ninety percent of what I just said, and didn’t understand the other ten percent. However, your parents are a different story; they may be convinced that the above reasoning is lunacy.*

*Like euphemism, you should not know what this word means. Move along.

So, I’ll explain the arguments to you, so you can thus explain it to your parents.

To start, you are still getting plenty of sleep. Do the math, and you’ll see that you’re getting a good strong 13 hours of sleep. It’s not the most possible sleep, but it is hopefully enough to survive. Putting that into perspective for your parents, it is known that the Koala bear sleeps around 22 hours every day. And here you are asking for only 13. Totally reasonable.

Furthermore, who says that your parents are right? Why are humans supposed to be awake during the day, and asleep during the night? Now that we have electricity, anything’s possible. Putting aside that convincing skin cancer argument, just look at what your parents are supporting.

In the last hundred years of sleeping at night and getting up early, we’ve been through 2 World Wars, created global warming, come close to all-out nuclear war, have had numerous years of bad economies, and have watched Justin Bieber rise to fame. What if the cause of all these awful things is the fact that people have been awake when they were really supposed to be asleep, making them less rational, alert, and content? Prove it wasn’t.

Finally, sleeping in as often and as late as you want is good for security reasons. If you’re up during the night, then you’ll be more likely to warn of or fend off a surprise night attack by the Russian Mafia, Italian Mob, or Door-to-Door Landscaping Service Salesmen.

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,” may still be true. But we’re teens. We don’t care about our health, wealth, or wisdom. We care abou-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Last year at this time, we brought you a couple of vacation topic-centered posts, including “How to Get to the Airport on Time,” “What can You Learn from Hotel Amenities?“, and, highlighting a popular vacation destination, “The Big Apple: Is There a Worse Name?

5 Phone Apps for Teens that Someone Needs to Make

the gum locator appSmartphones. Where would we be without them? I’ll tell you where I’d be: I’d be in the middle of a country back road in a car, utterly lost and starving to death. My stomach would be slowly digesting itself and I would be feverish, delirious, and hallucinatory from lack of water. And worst of all, I’d have no idea what my friends were saying on Facebook.

After all, our phones can do a lot of things. They are calculators, maps, games, news headlines, and, most importantly, teen status symbols. However, there are some vital functions that our phones have yet to acquire.

Obviously, our phones will never be able to talk to us. Oh, wait, sorry, I forgot about SIRI. What I mean is, our phones will never be able to understand us as humans. Except for every music app that suggests songs for your tastes. Okay, look, our phones will NEVER be able to never drop calls.

Since technology is advancing at such a fast rate, though, I figure that all I need to do is mention some new advancement and then try to have the patience to wait for a few milliseconds until it is invented.

With that in mind, here are 5 Apps that someone, possibly you, but probably not, more likely your friend, but still not that likely, or maybe your school nerd, slightly more likely, or a programmer, very likely, or Google, 1,000% likely, needs to make.

1. Bad Song Eliminator

Our phones are already genius when it comes to music (pun for those of you who catch it. If you don’t, either accept that you are inadequate or go here). But we all have songs we hate, whether it’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “Baby,” or “Fruit Salad.” Even worse, though, is the fact that because the gray thing impersonating our brain during our teen years hates us, the song will instantly be stuck in your head. This means you will be unable to function for the next hour or so, as you can’t do anything but sing the song you hate. Leading to many awkward situations, such as:

Police Officer: Did you know you were weaving in and out of lanes 20 miles over the speed limit?

You: Well, uh…Fruit salad! Yummy, yummy!

And this is why our smartphones need to be able to not only predict when a song we dislike is coming on, but also stop us from hearing it. Whether that entails emitting noise-silencing waves, blasting our own music louder, or extending a little rocket launcher from the camera lens and completely obliterating the offending radio/friend’s iPod/stereo system/street musician, this is one app we all need.

2. Gum Sensor

We all know what the problem is: we don’t have enough gum. It doesn’t matter if we have so much gum in our mouth that we can’t breath; we still don’t have enough gum. Also, that’s why we have noses.

The science in this one is simple. Just take a teen brain and stuff it inside the smartphone (it’ll fit, with room to spare). Then, just give the phone x-ray vision, an enhanced sense of smell, and supersonic hearing. It will thus be impossible for anyone to conceal opening gum, buying gum, chewing gum, getting out gum, throwing gum, and all-around enjoying gum without you noticing. After that, just ask them for some.

3. Homework Excuse Voicemail Imitator

Sure, you’ve got a few perfected homework excuses that rarely fail. But why risk it? Wouldn’t it be so much better if you had a voicemail from your parents? For example:

“Hi, this is your mom/dad. I’m just calling to let you know that I took your dog to the vet this morning and after extensive surgery, he is now fine. In case you’re interested, although I doubt this is an important detail, the problem was that your 5,000 word essay on the humanity of Odysseus was clogging his small intestine, big intestine, throat, mouth, nose, and appendix. Oh, they also removed his appendix, because apparently dogs aren’t supposed to have those. Call me back when you get home.”

Or:

“Hey, son/daughter, just so you know, the insurance people came and offered to pay for all the damage that the fire, which was caused by the short-circuiting of the wireless part of the wireless remote for the TV. Sadly, it looks like we will be unable to salvage the science experiment that you’ve been working on since four months before you were a fetus. Call me back when you get a chance, please.”

Essentially, this app would come with an endless supply of perfect voicemail messages just like these, and would even act like your voicemail. If your teacher tried to call the number back, it would go to a pre-recorded message saying that the phone was unavailable.

4. Book Summarizer

We’ve all been in that terrible situation where our teacher decides to assign 300 pages of reading due the next day. Most of us won’t read it. The rest of us will read the first and 300th pages and make up our own versions of what happens in-between. But what if your phone could read it and then summarize it for you?

Now, I’m not talking about the sparknotes or shmoop quality of summaries. I mean a valuable, in-depth summary that is shorter than 5 words, that also incorporates all elements of symbolism and literary devices. Additionally, it would include the page number and position on the page of where to place sticky notes, so that you can make it look like you really read. Furthermore, this would work on all texts, from your English novel to your chemistry book.

Of all these apps, this is the one that I would be willing to give my three smallest toes for*.

*That is an exaggeration for comic value. (I’m throwing in this disclaimer so that no one will invent this and then show up at my house with a knife and jar of toes. Please, I’d rather have another visit from some Jehovah Witnesses).

5. Irrational Anxiety Fixer

One fun part of having a brain that works hard to destroy you emotionally, physically, and mentally as a teenager is that it is constantly making you doubt yourself. For instance, is your pencil really #2 pencil? What if your SAT results are cancelled?

Or, what if you changed your clocks the wrong way for daylight savings time? What if you turned your clock so far backwards in time that you get eaten by a velociraptor on the way to school?

Sometimes, a friend will reassure us. “Don’t be crazy,” they’d say, “A velociraptor? Really? OH MY GOD DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU!”

But, as you can see, it is more likely that a friend (if they are a true friend) will simply make fun of us. Therefore, we should be able to turn to our phone. At the touch of a screen, it should read us calming statements, read by calming people like the AllState insurance guy, such as: “Don’t worry. Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than having to make a living selling insurance to people over the TV.”

And now, as it so usually happens at the end of posts, it is time for a conclusion. There isn’t much to say, because it’s not as if I have some profound theme I am going to touch upon, like “Those who want what they don’t have don’t have what they want if they don’t want what they have or don’t have what they wanted to not have.”

Huh. That’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. I think I’ll stop there.

(Please ignore the deep theme. It does not belong on this blog and is a result of too many English classes).

On a lighter note, are there any apps that you think belong on this list?

Also, just a reminder: we’d really love it if you’d like our Facebook page. And a big thanks to those who have already done so or are about to do so.

We’re On Facebook!

An obvious pun. But possibly still funny.High School Humor Blog is now on Facebook. You should check out the High School Humor Blog Facebook Page, because we added yet another completely original “About” page (and when I say original, I mean funny).

Also, please feel free to ‘like’ us. There are many benefits of ‘liking’ us, although I have yet to come up with any real benefits, so I’ll make some up:

  • It will take up time. For instance, if you have to go do chores eventually, consider ‘liking’ us part of your procrastination.
  • It will show how awesome you are.
  • Your profile picture might appear in the box in the sidebar.
  • Etc.

(We’ve added the Facebook box to the sidebar, so if you’d rather stay on the blog you can just click the ‘like’ button there).