The Great Smartphone Debate: iPhone vs Android

funny picture of a smartphoneYou probably have a smartphone. If you don’t, congratulations! You can honestly say that you are more intelligent than your phone.

But you probably have a smartphone. There aren’t that many other options, really, aside from the cement-block sized portable phone from the ‘90s.

Which is why you probably have a smartphone, because cement blocks really wreak havoc on your pockets.

How many other paragraphs do you think I can start with the words “you probably have a smartphone” appearing in the first sentence before it becomes awkward? Ooops, did it again. Sorry.

Anyways, since you probably have a smartphone, you either have one of two options: an iPhone, or an Android phone. What happens when there are only two options and teens are involved? Obviously, the only sensible thing to do is form a rivalry.

At this point, I could continue talking about how you probably have a smartphone, or I could just tell you the arguments for both sides of the debate. I think I’ll go with the arguments.

The iPhone

The positives of owning an iPhone might seem boundless. I don’t mean that there are literally an infinite number of good reasons to own one; I just mean that there are literally an infinite number of reasons, good or bad, which is usually good enough for us teens.

First of all, the iPhone was the original smartphone, and remains the phone of choice for all hipsters, hipster-wannabes, and clueless people who think that Android is some sort of character from Star Wars.

The iPhone also pioneered the app craze. If you have an iPhone, you can do many groundbreaking, scientific things, like toss feathered avian creatures at hogs, or ask Siri, for the millionth time, where to bury a dead body. These are all major positives in most teens’ eyes.

Furthermore, the iPhone easily syncs to all of your Apple products. This means you can stream your music from Macbook, or watch your movies on the big-screen Fuji apple display at the farmer’s market.

There are a few drawbacks to the iPhone, though, as it can’t do everything. For example, the ever popular ‘lighter’ app only rarely works in starting a fire, and the parachute app comes with a lengthy liability waiver.

Additionally, it is not waterproof, meaning that if you drop it in water you’re left with a shiny flat piece of metal. Although if this happens during the week, you probably won’t be awake enough to notice until Sunday afternoon. Half the time you’re just pretending to text to appear cool, anyway.

The Android

The Android phone is a little less stereotypical. In small words, that means that it’s harder to make fun of. Regardless, it too has its positives.

To begin with, you’ve got more options with how your phone looks. Since appearance is the only thing teens care about, that’s a good thing. The iPhone’s screen not big enough for you? Then pick up an Android phone with a screen the size of…one of those cement-block portable phones from the ‘90s. Sure, it won’t fit in your pocket, or even your backpack, but at least you’ll only need the ‘150lb load or less’ hand truck model.

You can also get apps on an Android phone. In fact, you can get the same apps as on an iPhone. The only downside is, well, you don’t have an iPhone, which sort of makes every app less fun. That’s called good marketing on Apple’s part.

Androids, however, are not the perfect phone. Many of them have digital ‘locks’ that can easily be confused for a fun game of connect the dots, meaning that you’ll be so busy trying to figure out what the picture is before connecting the dots that you’ll never actually unlock the phone.

Google is another consideration. Basically, you give Google even more power by owning an Android phone. That doesn’t really matter, though, because it’s not like they couldn’t take over the world even without hacking into millions of phones.

So, which side do you take (I’m assuming, here, that you probably have a smartphone)? Android or iPhone? Feel free to sound off in the comments. Myself, well, I’m reeling over the fact that I just started, for the seventh time, a paragraph of this post including the words “you probably have a smartphone.” I probably have some sort of borderline-insane writing disorder.

Last year on this date we published “3 Sections of the Driver’s Manual that You Need to Know.” If you have any hopes of ever becoming a semi-safe driver, then you need to read this post. It won’t make you a better driver, but it will make you give up on those hopes, because you’ll realize just how crazy the rules of the road actually are.

The Best Excuses for Being Late to Class

A very, very, very long time ago (like, before you were probably even born), we published a post called “The Best Homework Excuses” (circa February 2011).

Since most teens complete their homework at warp speeds (with correct answers), it’s not uncommon for the homework to spontaneously catch fire and burn up. Thus, you need an excuse, or reason, why you don’t have your homework, making that post one of our most popular posts ever.

It occurred to me, though, that we’ve totally forgotten to give you good excuses for being late to class. I mean, that’s another problem teens face: we’re usually so wrapped up during passing time with helping other students find their own classes, polishing lockers, and meticulously picking crumbs up off the hall floor that we sometimes lose track of time. This means we’re late to class, but our teachers won’t believe those stories.

So, in an effort to make your life easier, and your excuses more believable, I give you the best excuses for being late to class.

First, you need to know what some of the common and over-used excuses are, so you can avoid them. They include:

  • I was in the bathroom
  • I tripped going up the stairs (sorry)
  • I fell going down the stairs and had to pick up my stuff
  • I bumped into somebody else and dropped everything
  • I tripped on the carpet and fell on my face
  • I was talking to another teacher about a grade
  • I forgot my textbook so I went back and got it
  • I was getting a drink

I’m sure you’ve heard all of those before. Most people have. Consequently, they don’t usually work, unless you are a really good actor or have some major bruises on your face from falling.

No, instead I recommend that you resort to some of these fresh, new, updated excuses:

  • I tripped as I was using the bathroom
  • I fell down while getting a drink and hit my head on the water fountain, knocking me unconscious for exactly two minutes
  • I forgot my face so I went back and got it (sorry)
  • I bumped into my textbook and dropped everything
  • I was talking to the stairs about a grade
  • I tripped over another teacher and had to pick up all 72 sharpened pencils they were carrying

But let’s say that you’re really late. By really late, I mean weeks, maybe even months late to class. School might be out. It might be dark outside. The teacher may be leaving for the night, furious that you haven’t yet shown up for class. In that case, you need to resort to your one-time-use-only, guaranteed-to-work, best excuse for being late to class:

I was getting a drink when another teacher body-slammed me, making me fall down two flights of stairs. At the bottom, I rolled into the bathroom, which I needed to use anyways, but then I realized that I’d forgotten to bring a toilet. I was going back to get it when the carpet grabbed me to talk about a grade (sorry). At this point I was running because I was pretty late, and I tripped seventeen times trying to go back up the stairs. Eventually I just had to crawl up them. Sorry I’m late.

I know, I know; they’re all brilliant. Don’t waste time thanking me, though. I’d hate for you to be late to class.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave now (on Sunday) so I am only a few minutes late. I think I have a test coming up.

Last year we were still thinking about school starting. More specifically, School Registration, or should I say Airport Security in Training. Why? Well, you’ll just have to read that post, but you probably know the answer from experience.