A Better Set of Halloween Pranks

It’s terrible being a teen on Halloween. You aren’t supposed to trick or treat, while the little kids can, and you can’t just buy big bags of candy under the premise of passing it out to little children, while adults can.

So, teens have had to find a new way to celebrate Halloween. These days, we celebrate by pulling pranks. And if you’re not the prankster, you’re the victim. Which means most people simply don’t appreciate the entertainment value of these pranks. Recently, however, pranks seem to have gone from hilarious and good-humored to stupid and pointless.

Forking a Lawn

For those of you who don’t know, forking a lawn is exactly that: placing thousands of plastic forks in someone’s lawn. But if you think about this, you can see that this isn’t too high on the scale of the best pranks.

First of all, forking a lawn is the number three cause of global warming, right behind deforestation for paper production to use for homework and the noise emissions of high school pep assemblies. You’re wasting a bunch of non-decomposable forks, and you’re killing some grass.

Secondly, you’re actually helping out the victim of the prank. Apparently, it’s important to aerate a lawn, and the prongs of the forks do just that.

Finally, forking takes a lot of time. Not only do you have to push in each fork, but you also have to make sure that the bigger forks are placed in the center of the lawn, as per good table setting guidelines.

TP’ing A Tree

Covering a tree in toilet paper is also not a great prank, especially on Halloween. On Halloween, toilet paper can be confused for a very poorly made ghost decoration. Or, it might be confused for a badly made spider web decoration. Heck, with the size of the holes in Halloween masks nowadays, your toilet paper masterpiece could even be mistaken for an albino weeping willow.

Plus, it’s just generally bad to TP a tree, because toilet paper is known to attract grizzly bears. Just look to the Charmin’ Ultra commercials. Do you really want to attract these dangerous predators to your community? Furthermore, do you really want them to be encouraged to leave their feces? Probably not.

Covering a Car

Any car parked on the street on Halloween is in a perilous position. Oftentimes, teens decide to cover it in kitchen supplies, such as cellophane wrap and peanut butter. And yet again, we can clearly see why this isn’t a good idea.

The first concern is E. coli contamination. Nuts can often carry this bacteria, and it’s often very hard to treat cars for it. Usually, they have to stay for extended periods at the mechanics until they’ve been cured with antibiotics.

Secondly, you’ve got to worry about peanut allergies. It’d be terrible for someone walking down the sidewalk to suddenly swell up and break into hives as they passed the car. While teens have brilliantly started adding cellophane wrap to prevent people near the car from contacting any peanut butter, with today’s severe allergies the only way to be safe is to use sheets of lead. And let’s face it, at that point the prank becomes way too expensive to pull off.

Better Pranks

Now, if anyone else read the above descriptions of pranks, he/she might think, “Gee, maybe I won’t use those pranks this year. There have got to be better, less harmful pranks.” However, since mostly teens read this blog, a majority of you are probably thinking things along the lines of, “Oh, peanut butter on a car! I’d forgotten about that prank. Halloween is going to be AWESOME.”

So, the most convincing form of action would be to offer you better, funnier, substitute pranks.

Trick or Treat for Real

If you’re really focused on getting candy, and giving people a little excitement on Halloween, then here’s what you need to do: take an old, too-small costume and sew/glue some small shoes to the bottom of the feet. Then, wear all black clothing and sew/glue/tape the costume to your front, starting right under your chin.

Next, just find some dark doorsteps and get on your knees. If you wear enough makeup, people will think you’re a toddler right up until the moment you stand up with your “feet” now dangling above the ground (after collecting candy, of course). At that point, it’s a good time to make some witty comment and run away, such as “Wow, kids grow up fast these days,” or “I wondered what the effects of all that radiation exposure would be.”

TP a Person

Generally, you should always avoid young children and their overprotective parents, many of whom carry pepper spray, heavy flashlights, or tactical nuclear weapons to defend against the riffraff like you. However, if you see another teen that you know, this is a terrific prank.

Rather than TP’ing a tree, stand with the person between your friend and you, separated by ten feet. Then quickly throw the toilet paper back and forth, wrapping the person. Sure, this prank may not have a lasting impact, but think about it: how many roaming teens have ever worried about being TP’ed? Exactly.

Halloween pranks may be a tradition, but just remember: he who laughs last, laughs best. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but, aside from the fact that it perpetuates gender stereotypes (“he”), it seemed like a fitting quote to end with.

In all seriousness, remember that it’s wise to only prank your closest friends, any nearby family, or Joe Biden, because judging from the VP debates, he has a great sense of humor. Otherwise, you might end up in court on 2 counts of impersonating a floating toddler dressed as a skeleton.

If your focus is less on teen activities, and more on getting that holy substance known as candy, then you’ll definitely want to check out, “3 Ways Teens Can Get Candy on Halloween,” published this time last year.

The Best Excuses for When Your Phone Goes Off In Class

Your dog is calling.It’s going to happen. It’s inevitable. There’s no avoiding it. No, I’m not talking about the eventual election of Honey Boo Boo as our nation’s 236th president. I’m talking about your phone going off in class.

No big deal, right? Society is so used to cell phones that it’s now unusual to see a four-year old holding a banana up to his ear; there’s no need, since he’s already got a cell.

Sure, it can be embarrassing to have your phone buzz, beep, ding, or play awful music (which, to be fair, sounded good the first six thousand times the phone rang) during a conversation. But you’ll just apologize, silence the phone, and get on with life, right? YOLO: You Only Let it ring Once.

Wrong. You can’t allow your phone to make any indication it exists. Teachers’ cell phone policies these days range from confiscating it for a day to selling it on Craigslist. It’s even worse in science class: perhaps your teacher will use it to demonstrate the corrosive properties of Hydrochloric Acid, or to show an object free-falling from three stories up.

Obviously, you can’t allow your teachers to get their hands on the only thing connecting you to your life-sustaining social media accounts for most of the day. Without these, you’ll experience symptoms of social media withdrawal, such as tremors, headaches, and, in extreme cases, seizures, until you can get to a computer.

Someday, though, it’s inevitable that your phone goes off during class. Maybe you forgot to silence it, or turn off the app notifications for all 4,355 of your apps. Most experts agree that the logical next step is to make an excuse, in the hopes that your teacher won’t confiscate it. Excuses you’ve probably heard/used have included:

  • Sorry, I forgot to silence it this morning.
  • I could’ve sworn I told my mom not to call me during school hours, ha ha.
  • When I let my friend borrow my phone they must not have turned the sound back off.
  • Oops, that’s my weekend alarm going off. My bad.
  • I just got a new phone and haven’t learned how it works yet, ha ha.
  • My dad was going to call me when my dog got out of surgery.
  • I was just on the phone with my Grandma and must have forgotten to turn it back off.

Now, these are all pretty basic. They all appeal to a teacher’s sense of forgiveness. Since, however, schools no longer hire teachers with that sense, these often won’t work unless you are a terrific actor or have great puppy eyes.

Rather than using one of these unbelievable lines, I suggest you instead employ one of these updated excuses:

  • When I let my dog borrow my phone he must not have turned the sound back off.
  • Sorry, I forgot to silence my friend this morning.
  • I was just on the phone with my weekend alarm and must have forgotten to turn it back off. My bad.
  • Oops, that’s my Grandma going off.
  • My mom just got a new phone and hasn’t learned how it works yet, ha ha.
  • My dad was going to call me to tell me to turn the sound off.

And of course we won’t leave you without giving you the 100% success rate, one-time only, do-or-die, perfect excuse for those times when your teacher is planning to send your phone to the graveyard:

Sorry, I was just on the phone with my mom. I could’ve sworn I told her not to call my Grandma during school hours. Right before class I let my friend borrow my phone to call my dog. After they finished talking, I realized I forgot to turn my weekend alarm off, but before I could do that my dad called to let me know that my new phone just got out of surgery. So I was planning to turn the sound off but I forgot to, ha ha.

Keep these with you. Study them. Commit them to memory. They will save your phone someday; I just know it.

I’d love to keep talking about crazed teachers and confiscated cell phones, but I’ve got to go check to make sure I removed the sound chip and vibrator from the inside of my phone for tomorrow.

Last year at this time we were concerned with something a little more important to your life: “The Periodic Table of the Elements and You!” One of our more popular posts, this explains exactly why the periodic table has major problems with popularity.

Getting the Most Status from Your Ability to Drive

A huge LanyardSociety can be pretty backwards.

For example, look at cars. As a 16 year old, you are not trusted to check a little box on a paper ballot and mail it in. I guess people are worried that you’ll stab yourself with the pen and get ink in your blood. You are, however, trusted to control a multi-ton hunk of metal hurdling forwards at speeds faster than any animal can run. With that, people are convinced that you’ll be so busy crashing into things it will be virtually impossible to stab yourself with a pen and get ink in your blood.

Now, I know that above paragraph is graphic and morbid, but let’s face it: we love it that way! So what if you can’t vote—you can drive, man.

Look at it from the teen perspective. Voting’s cool, but it’s really hard to show that off on a daily basis. Are you going to tape a ballot to your arm? Maybe you’ll mention it every time you talk? Get a permanent tattoo on your cheek that says “Dude, I voted?” Not at all.

When you drive, though, you can find ways to constantly remind everyone that, well, you drive, which is considered pretty darn cool. Sure, that can be accomplished just by having a cool car, but sometimes that’s out of your control. I mean, if your parents were willing to pay for most of that Stretch Hummer*, then it didn’t really matter how badly you wanted that used Honda.

*Many of you are probably thinking that no parents would pay for a Stretch Hummer for their newly licensed teen driver. You are all wrong. If the parents have enough money, this is probably their first choice; who’s going to ever get close enough to a Stretch Hummer to cause an accident?

Taking that into consideration, here is how to get the most out of that cool ‘licensed’ status, by changing things you can control.

Show Off Your Keys

Car keys are terrific. Even when you are not in a car, they remind everyone that you have a car to drive, and a driver’s license. They get this message across so effectively that I predict in 10 years ‘cool’ teens will walk around wearing car keys as earrings.

Even now, you can show you have car keys with the helpful tool of something called a lanyard. Basically, it’s a necklace for keys. Obviously, then, wearing it around your neck is a nerdy thing to do; that’s what it was invented for.

Instead, you should keep your keys in your pocket and let the lanyard dangle down your leg like a large blood-sucking leech attached to your thigh. The bigger the lanyard, the better. It needs to be unmistakable that you have car keys. Ideally, you can just buy a 50-yard length of ribbon and create your own massive lanyard that often accidentally causes those walking behind you to trip.

Drive Without Care

If you drive in your neighborhood, or at your school parking lot, you know that how you drive says just as much about you as what you drive. So, just like being cool in other aspects of life, it’s all about not caring.

Act as if you don’t care that you almost crashed into that lamp pole. So what, if you just ran over the parking barrier. Who cares that your car just went up on two wheels? Not you.

Just be careful to never sacrifice your safety, because going to the hospital hasn’t been cool since the 00’s.

Give Rides

If you give people a ride in your car, it does two things. First of all, the people you give rides to will forever remember that you have a car and are thus cooler than the riders. Secondly, it gives you an ability to directly mention that you have a car and a license in front of everyone around you. I’ve actually witnessed conversations just like this, and I’m sure you have as well:

[At the end of an event, like a soccer practice or orchestra concert]
Cool Guy (CG) with a Car: Hey, does anybody need a ride?
Everyone else: Nope. No. No thanks.
CG: Okay. Because, you know, I can give rides if anyone needs one.
Guy 1: Dude, I’m fine. I can walk home.
CG: But, um, it’s nice outside. There’s no rain or anything. Are you sure you want to risk a sunburn? ‘Cause I can give you a ride.
Guy 1: What? I’m fine, man.
Guy 2: I think my mom’s just coming a little late.
CG: Well, I can give you a ride.
Guy 2: No, I mean-
CG: I could, like, drive to your mom on the road, and you could switch cars.
Guy 2: No thanks.
CG: Does anyone need a ride? Does anyone want a ride?
Guy 3: Man, I’m hungry.
CG: What? You want to go drive and get food somewhere far away? I can give you a ride, you know.
Guy 3: Naw, I’ll wait ‘til I get home.
CG: Well, I can give you a ride home, too.
Guy 3: Dude, my car is parked at the end of the lot.
CG: Oh. Hey, but my car is right in front. Do you want a ride to your car?
Guy 3: No.
CG: How about you just sit in my car for a few seconds?
Guy 3: No thanks.
CG: Well, wanna take a rain check? I’ll give you a ride some other time.
Guy 3: No. Leave me alone, man.
CG: That’s it! I’m disgusted! I’m going to go catch a squirrel and force it to accept a ride!

If you don’t yet have your license, or a car, then I’m sure these things are great annoyances in your daily life. Amazingly, though, they will instantly become your favorite pastimes once you gain the ability to drive. Until then, maybe you ought to start carrying your post office key on a lanyard with you everywhere.

Suppose you can’t drive, yet, though. In that case, maybe you’ll improve your cool status by making fix to those grammar problems you done have. “3 Reasons Why Me and You Need To Talk–In a Dark Alley,” should shape you right up.

Everything You Need to Know About the PSAT

A funny PSAT test takerHopefully you’ve never heard of the PSAT. Hopefully, you’ve lived your life without worrying about things like your grades, your college applications, and the gradual extinction of real music. (I’m not saying things like dubstep are bad. No, if you like listening to the sounds of a car malfunctioning while its going over a bumpy road, dubstep is fine. I’m just saying stuff like that isn’t music).

Statistically, though, you’ve spent some time thinking about those things. Since you’re a teen, that thought process probably went like this: “The PSAT…I should probably study for that…tomorrow…after next week…in a few years…before I get married. Right. Now, let’s go see who just poked who on Facebook!”

Well, I’ve got some bad news: the PSAT is next week. On the bright side, however, that means you can get married before November, if that’s the deadline you set for your studying.

As you’ve learned from reading High School Humor Blog, we truly have your best interests at heart. Or, at least your happiness. We really only exist to make you laugh. And to slowly take over the mind of every teen on the planet so we can stage a mass uprising against rising gum prices. Thus, we’ve broken the PSAT down for your understanding.

The Reading Section

One of the harder sections of the PSAT is the reading section. The first part of the reading section involves sentence completions. You’ll be given a sentence and asked to fill in the blank(s), such as:

Because he ran into a low-lying tree branch and fell down, Bob’s nose was ——– and he had —— all over his body.

Now, any two words could fit this sentence. Brad’s nose could have been bleeding, and he might have had temporary tattoos all over his body. His nose might have been broken, and his body could have been covered in pre-emptive band-aids. Thankfully, to narrow things down a bid, the PSAT creators give you a few choices. For our example, the choices might include:

(A) bewitched…tree sap
(B) atomized…abrasions
(C) exploded…bird poop
(D) hurt…gourmet sushi
(E) angry…skin

One strategy is to re-read the sentence while substituting in each choice. If you did that with our example, you can clearly see that the answer was (B), the obvious answer.

Sadly, as you reach the harder questions and have no idea what the words mean, all the answer choices will appear equally appealing. So, I suggest you pick answers based on either the “always guess ‘C’” rule or based on which word is worth more in a game of Scrabble.

The reading section also has passage-based questions. There, you read a passage and answer a question which may or may not have to do with the passage. A question like, “When the author used the word ‘Belieber’ in line 57, they most likely meant:” can often be answered just by reading line 57.

The Math Section

Generally easier than the reading section, another hard section of the PSAT is the math section. The nice thing about this section is that some math problems include pictures, which you should pause at to fully enjoy the artistic meaning.

Math questions are simply that: math. If you can do math, you’ll be fine, but since 7 out of every 4 teens can’t do math at all, you are probably not going to be fine.

Strategically speaking, stay positive. I don’t mean positive/negative numbers; I mean positive. If you are happy, you are less likely to have a mental breakdown about your performance, and mental breakdowns take up some of your valuable time.

It is, after all, a timed test, to mimic real-life situations. Oh, you didn’t think you’d ever have to find (as fast as possible) what the probability is that the representative will be a girl who speaks eight languages, plays four sports, is equal to x+3, and is perpendicular to line l is, in real life? Time to wake up to reality.

The Writing Section

The writing section is yet another hard section of the PSAT. The only easy section is the bubbling section, and even that isn’t all that easy.

In the writing section, you will be asked to correct sentences in various ways. Unless you’ve spent your entire life reading real literature, and not Facebook wall posts with more grammatical errors per line than the number of hours of sleep you usually get, there’s not much last minute studying that you can do.

You can, however, try reading each sentence aloud to see what sounds best. Of course, since it’s a standardized, closely monitored test, making any sort of noise is a class two felony in all US states and territories, so you’re going to want to read it aloud silently. And if that’s not enough of a paradox, you’re going to want to read it aloud silently without moving your lips, because you can’t have food, or any indication of food, either; that’s a class one felony.

Sure, the PSAT has a number of difficult sections. Thankfully, it won’t kill you unless you are allergic to NMSQTs, in which case you’ll at least break out in hives. But I’m not even going to start on those; I’ve got to go study my guessing strategy.

But suppose you actually tried to study for the vocab portion of the PSAT. In that case, you might come to the conclusion that it’s impossible; there are too many words. Perhaps you might want to read “The English Language has Too Many Words–But I’ve Got Solutions,” published this time last year.