2012 Election: 3 Reasons Why the Voting Age Should be Lowered to 15

Funny ballot picture.As part of the media in the U.S., here at High School Humor Blog we feel that it is our duty to throw out some election predictions:

  • Ohio goes to Bob “Robert” Bobson, the T.V. repairman, because he did a wonderful job fixing all of the Ohio TVs that bore the brunt of citizens’ anger at having to see yet another political attack advertisement.
  • Florida goes to an unnamed crocodile who successfully executed a state-wide voter intimidation scheme.
  • North Carolina goes to South Carolina in the elected merger after voters reveal that they are sick of having two different Carolinas.

Okay, now maybe that wasn’t all true. Florida may not have gone to a crocodile; I heard that a 15-foot anaconda was also planning some sort of shady election bid. And sure, in addition to Bob “Robert” Bobson, there were also some other, less famous names on some of the ballots, like Barack “Hussein” Obama and Mitt “Mitt” Romney, whoever they are.

My guess is, though, that you don’t really care. And why don’t you care? Because you can’t vote.

That means your opinion actually matters less than the opinion of someone like Lindsay Lohan, simply because you are supposedly too young. As soon as we compare things like the total number of DUI’s amongst all adults to the total number of DUI’s amongst all 15-18 year olds, I think it is clear who the more sensible group is.

Really, why can’t you vote? It would vastly improve our election process. The vote should be lowered from 18 to 15; any lower and you suddenly have junior high school voters, which is something that no country can handle.

The Teen Brain

The teen brain has been studied by thousands of scientists. None of those scientists, however, were teens. As a result, almost every single study has concluded that the teen brain is irrational, impulsive, and not fully developed.

Well, I’ve got some news for you: the real deal is that the teen brain is so much more advanced when compared to an adult brain that the scientists simply can’t understand it. Why else would teens have such better tastes in music? Thus, you want the citizens with the most advanced brains voting in the election.

Furthermore, by allowing teens to participate in elections, the US would give itself a scapegoat. It’s not the people’s fault that people like Anthony Weiner get elected; it’s just the teens’ fault.

The Teen Abilities

In addition to having a more advanced brain than adults, teens also have some very helpful skills when it comes to elections. The first of those is our frequently practiced bubbling ability. Thanks to our test schedule, we are incredible at filling in bubbles.

That means that votes would be easier to count and there would be fewer mistakes. Obviously, no computer will ever misread a bubble filled in by a teen. On the down side, however, it probably also means that whichever candidate is listed in ballot spot “C” will get the most votes regardless.

Another teen skill that is lacking in our elections is our ability to sum up coolness and popularity. Let’s face it: many of our current leaders are simply uncool. The only way adults have of assessing coolness, with their underdeveloped brains, is by comparing hairstyles. Teens, meanwhile, could compare things such as clothes and hairstyles.

The Teen Election Participation

Finally, allowing teens to vote would revolutionize our election participation. First of all, this would solve the annoying problem of attack advertisements run by candidates. We don’t watch TV, instead using things like the Internet, DVR, Netflix, or another brain-melting—-I mean, brain developing-—mechanism of choice. So, there would be no reason to run attack ads, because no teen would ever see them.

Additionally, teens should logically be allowed participation in elections because the issues apply to us. We’re the ones who are going to be paying for the $800 billion million trillion zillion thousand quadrillion debt that the voters are racking up. That sort of debt makes the credit card bill of a teen girl after she’s finished clothes shopping look stellar.

Our election process works, but it’s far from perfect. If teens could vote, however, many of the US’s problems would either get solved or get so bad that the country would shut down. That’s a good thing, because countrywide shut down means plummeting gum prices.

With that, we’ll end this post right where it began: with a prediction. We at High School Humor Blog predict that by the 2016 elections, some teens are allowed to vote. Even if that includes only the 18+ year olds.

As was mentioned early on in this post, you probably didn’t get too concerned about the elections, although you may be concerned with the upcoming date of 11-11. In that case, you’re going to want “11 Things to do on 11-11-11,” which still applies to (only) 11-11-12.

4 Ways to Eat Your Halloween Candy

After 23 Pieces, it all looks the sameEven though you’re a teen, you probably figured out a way to gain candy this Halloween. As the old saying goes, “A person standing between a teen and his candy is trampled by the end of this sentence.”

Furthermore, since you’re a teen, you know that the immature tendency to consume all of your candy at once is a bad idea. If you do that, not only will you stay awake for six straight days, but you will also have used up all of your candy.

Finally, being a teen, you probably need some way to justify eating the candy, or at least an organized system to ensure that you aren’t left with the boring, nondescript candies at the end and no motivation to eat them. Remember, the goal is to eat all of the sugar in the best way possible. With that in mind, there are a few distinct ways to consume your Halloween candy.

Type

Thanks to great leaps of innovation in the candy industry, there are now fifteen million different ways to consume sugar. Honestly, one is all you need, but variety is always a nice change.

Looking at your candy, you probably have the following categories: chewy, sour, crunchy, extra-sour, gummy, super-extra-sour, nutty, and toxically sour. Sort the candy first.

Then, strategically plan just how you want to consume your candy. For example, maybe you eat the chewy candy last, because you think that you’ll still need your teeth to consume the rest of the candy. Maybe you have the toxically sour candy before the super-extra-sour candy, making the super-extra-sour candy taste sweet instead. Or, maybe you eat one of every category, causing your tongue to explode. Figure out what your desired effect is and then plan accordingly.

Shape

If you don’t care about the consistency as much as the shape, then this option is for you. Just like the previous way, you are going to want to sort the candy by category: shaped like a person or animal, round, rectangular, cubic, and organic.

Next, you need to eat all of the human and animal shaped candy first. Primarily, this allows you to fully realize how cannibalistic society is becoming. Secondly, by eating all of the candy with legs first, you ensure that none of it will have time to escape.

After that, consider whether or not you care if the candy is round or square. It’s all the same sugar, artificial sweetener, and “natural” sweetener. You probably don’t, at which point, perhaps you’ll consider:

Size

Size is a big deal when it comes to candy. The bigger the size, the greater the amount of sugar you can consume. To encourage people to give out larger candy next year, make sure that you mention that bigger candies have a lower wrapper plastic to candy amount ratio; as you know, everyone loves to be environmentally friendly.

But once you’ve got all of the candy, what you really need to consider is size and place. If you take a king size candy bar to school, you might be asked to share. Since it appears that you have so much chocolate, you’ll look selfish if you don’t share.

On the contrary, if you bring 50 or 60 fun-size candy bars and eat them throughout the day, people will never bother to ask: a fun-size candy bar is the equivalent of one bite. It’s called fun-size because it’s fun to open fifteen wrappers just to get three bites’ worth.

Flavor

Flavor is, for some people, the most important factor of eating Halloween candy. Some will eat milk chocolate and not dark chocolate. Some people will eat strawberry candy, but not berry-strawberry. Others will eat super-toxically-deadly-sour but not sour. The list goes on and on.

Thanks to flavor science, you have the option of choosing amongst billions of possible flavors. Just amongst the fruit flavors, you’ve got strawberry, berry, cherry, tropical berry, mixed berry, blueberry, Rick Perry, raspberry, wild fairy, black cherry, Wizard Harry, boysenberry, twelve yard carry, and very berry flavored candy.

The trick with the flavors is to make sure that you don’t make any poor mixes. Don’t mix root beer candies with mints, or caramel candies with mints, or even fruit candies with mints. Actually, just don’t mix mints with anything save chocolate and you’ll be fine.

These are all semi-rational ways to consume your Halloween candy. Each has logic behind it, and each makes sense, at least to a sugar-high, sleep-deprived teen like yourself. Because of all that, I am positive that you will ignore every way.

But as long as you get enough sugar into your system per day so that you are bouncing off so many walls it looks like gravity has vanished, you’ll be fine. It’s not as if any one of these tips makes it any healthier to eat candy; it’s still just as likely to rot out your brain as ever. But you don’t use your brain anyway, so what do you care?

If candy isn’t your thing, maybe you’re more interested in “The 5 Types of Group Project Workers,” brought to you this time last year. Which type are you?