Dominate Those Awful Art Project Assignments

Trifoldfunny“Okay, class. Now that we’ve finished our lecture on the physiology of a pygmy Chihuahua, I’m going to ask you all to make some sort of artistic representation of your favorite human organ system. It needs to be 3-D, and it also needs to be stunningly beautiful. Also, it is due in seven minutes.”

You think that’s funny? You’re sick. That’s not funny—that’s just true. True, as in teachers nowadays seem to think that assigning sculptures, posters, or other creative projects is a good idea. True, as in yes these projects are actually due the next day. And true, as in there is no such thing as a pygmy Chihuahua.

Now, what’s wrong with art projects, you ask?

Artistic Skill

Art projects are insanely skewed towards those with any sense of artistic skill. All it takes is one Leonardo Van Gogh in your class, and boom, every other project looks bad. Rather than think that your project is good, as it is no better or worse than the rest of the projects, your teacher assumes thatDa Vinci’s project is the only ‘A’ worthy project, and that the entire rest of the class deserves a ‘C’.

No Educational Benefit

Sure, you learned something in the lecture, or from your textbook. But unless you can explain to me exactly how cutting out six green-paper borders helped you learn about the electron and proton, I think it is safe to assume that when doing an art project, you learn absolutely nothing.

Actually, that’s not true; you learn just how hard it is to cut straight lines when you are running on three hours of sleep. Maybe that should become some sort of sobriety test:
“Excuse me, sir, but you were swerving across two lanes. Can you please cut me a rectangle from this piece of caution tape?” “Sure.” “Oooh, I’m sorry, sir, that’s a parallelogram. Your angles are 91 degrees and 89 degrees. You were close, though. But I think I’m going to have to take you back to the station.”

Wastes Resources

I think most everyone believes that global warming is real by now. I mean, thanks to changing weather patterns, hurricanes have recently hit cities like New York, D.C., and Denver. So, let’s think about it: why should you just turn in a one-page paper, when you can waste upwards of 65 pages mounting, re-mounting, sculpting, folding, cutting, collage-ing, and constructing an art project with the same information?

But It’s Not Hopeless

Sure, art projects are awful, but if you repress your inner artist and simply take steps to create what’s proven to get an ‘A,’ your grade nor sleep need not take the hit.

Mounting Papers

The easiest way to make any art poster or display board look impressive is to layer more paper. To do this, you’ll need a glue stick, paper, more paper, another glue stick—because the first one will have dried out before you can get your paper together—and some more paper. Pick three colors that don’t give you a headache when you look at them together, and just stack them in an overlapping style. After all, this is how they present stuff in the corporate world, I hear. No wonder so many large companies go bankrupt.

Accenting

Mounting provides a nice foundation, but accenting is where you truly illustrate: “Look at me! I either have too much spare time, or drank six gallons of coffee at 2 AM as I finished this! Or both! Yaaaaaay!”

As you can probably tell from that description, accenting is generally seen on girls’ posters/projects, but not those of guys. So, if you’re male, your accents need to be incredibly masculine. Mud, smushed bugs, or exposed rusty chain-link fence bits work well.

Materials

Even if it’s only a poster, and not a sculpture or painting, the quality of your materials matters—often, it will make up for your lack of artistic skill. If you spend at least $500 per square-inch of your project, you should probably be okay. Or, if you don’t have a few grand to drop on your homework and would rather save it for college—which is crazy, because I’m sure this art project will be way more important to your life—you can always just use crayon. Then, just explain that crayon is symbolic of [mumble this part] and your teacher will be very impressed.

Sabotage

In some rare cases, you just won’t be able to compete with your classmates’ projects; maybe one of them read this blog and was already a good artist. In that case, you need to resort to sabotage (Warning: if they too read this blog, you’ll probably want to build a concrete bunker in to keep your project safe while you carry out your espionage. And if they have a concrete bunker too, well, hey, failing and then repeating a class isn’t so bad).

Since you don’t want to get caught, you should resort to stealth. Maybe you leave a leaking water bottle next to their project. Heck, maybe you accidentally trip and fall on it (untie your shoelaces. If you don’t have shoelaces, get some and just sort of throw them up in the air as you fall, exclaiming “Oh, no, I tripped over my laces!” Hopefully, no one will notice that you were wearing sandals. In February.)

No one will ever tell you that we need more art projects in non-art classes. If they do, pinch someone: yourself first, to see if you’re dreaming, and, if you aren’t, then pinch them, to get them to go away before they can officially assign an art project. In the 97% of cases when that won’t work, though, at least now you know how to complete the art project better than Salvador Dali. When he was in high school, he just turned in dead plants.

If you think your project is still lacking, you might want to check out “How to Use Clip Art to Make Your Projects Better,” published this time last year. Unless you’re Bill Gates, in which case, don’t read that one.

2 Years of High School Humor Blog

2yearsofblogTwo years ago yesterday, I opened up a web browser and recorded the guiding philosophy of this blog: “This is the first post of this blog, but, hopefully, assuming those investors on Wall Street don’t pull out after this, this is not the last post.” Now, I’m proud to announce that Berkshire Hathaway is buying HighSchoolHumorBlog.com for the small sum of $56 billion.

No, that’s not actually true. I don’t have any Wall Street investors, and nor do we (well, I, really, although when I say “we” it sounds way more professional, like I have a team of staff writers and marketers behind this blog) want any. The real truth is that: that was certainly not the last post. And that’s what this is all about.

Two years ago, this blog went from a really poorly planned idea floating around in the mostly-empty brain of a teenager to a really poorly planned blog floating around on the Internet. This post marks that two-year anniversary. (If you care for this sort of sentimental, reflective, statistical retrospection about as much as you love those pop quizzes on material you are supposed to “remember” from eighth grade—yes, they exist, trust me—then you might want to stop here, check out the archives, and read an older post).

What is a Blog Without Posts?

The most popular post published in the last year is “The Best Excuses for Being Late to Class,” (with 2,011 page views) while the most popular post of all-time has become “The Best Homework Excuses” (with 5,812 page views). Clearly, one can draw the conclusion that teens are very responsible, timely people who take great pride in honesty.

The least popular post published in the last year is “The Essential Guide to 4 Common P.E. Sports,” with a whopping 24 page views. We will not even tell you what the overall least popular post is, because after reading it you’ll wonder how anyone who could write that badly is legally allowed to continue blogging. And, we’re worried that it is actually illegal to publish writing that bad and we don’t want to go to jail.

In the past year, we’ve published 78 posts, and High School Humor Blog now comprises a total of 205 posts containing approximately 178,000 words. We promise you that we would have stopped long ago if it weren’t for that fact that we are reasonably* sure at least 2 people regularly read this blog.

*Reasonably. But one of those people might also be a rogue captcha bot, and the other one is definitely my pet fish, so we aren’t 100% sure.

We Love Comments.

This year, we received about 204 comments, and I think we succeeded in replying to every single coherent, non-spam comment. Even if you just want to mention that the post’s picture reminded you of your cat’s finger-painting, we’ll respond.

Comments are terrific ways for you to tell us what you do/don’t like about the blog. You can also just speak your thoughts, especially if you’re thinking about starting the next Facebook or Google and want to, y’know, just give us a basic overview of your idea.

If you took the time to leave even 1 comment in the past year, we greatly appreciate it. If not, well, what are you waiting for? Feel free to comment on any post.

Readers

The maximum number of readers logged by Feedburner in the past year was 252, meaning we’ve picked up 65 readers in the past year. It’s not terrific growth, but it’s definitely better than losing readers. I extend a personal thanks to everyone who reads this blog, because, although it’d be great to have Wall-Street investors, that’s the real reason we’ve continued to post.

Extra Thanks

There are readers. There are commenters. And then, there are people who share content. Those are the people who deserve the extra thanks. So, if you’ve shared our content on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or by E-mail, or are one of the 27 amazing people who have liked our new Facebook page (something you should definitely do right now, if you haven’t), give yourself another 5 minutes until you start that homework. You deserve it (and you know you were going to procrastinate anyways, so now you can feel even better than normal while procrastinating).

In addition to the people mentioned above, we’d like to thank every blog that has sent us readers in the past year. These blogs are: (I cannot endorse any of the content, while I’m sure it’s wonderful, because I don’t have time to read everything ever written on these blogs and I don’t want to get sued. But you should definitely check them all out, because most of them are also run by teens, and because if they like this blog, well, then you’ve already got something in common with the author. They are part of the reason we have not thrown our computers against the wall after one year)

Upcoming

This blog will be updated for as long as I (yeah, “we” just doesn’t work here) am in high school, and I’m only a junior right now. Unfortunately, due to the sheer amount of work that accompanies junior year, I’ve had to cut back from posting once every 3-4 days to posting once every week. That will probably remain until summer.

Once summer arrives, though, you may be looking at a redesigned, updated, bigger, better, cooler, swaggy-er blog. Just a heads up. Additionally, we may—may—consider revealing our/my true identity at some point in the next year (in case you were unaware, Phil is a pseudonym).

Other

Other stuff you might want to be aware of in regards to this blog:

  • We’ve now been blogging for ten times as many days as most celebrity marriages last.
  • We’re switching to a new photo creation program, so prepare for our pictures to get worse as we learn how to use it, and then better as we actually use it properly.
  • This blog is actually funded entirely by Arctic Pelicans, who hope to someday infiltrate the impressionable minds of teenagers and convert them all into anchovy fishermen.

Thanks for being a part of this blog. Without you readers, we wouldn’t exist.

If you’re curious where we were after just one year of blogging, you should check out our one year “blogoversary” post.

The 5 Real Reasons to Take AP Classes

Funny Ap textbookSure, we’ve all heard the arguments for AP classes. They can get you college credit. They can offer you a more in-depth coverage of a subject. They will instantly turn you into Albert Einstein. The list goes on and on.

But while these arguments are true, they are not the main reasons you should take AP classes. I mean, get college credit before college? Please. That’s what junior high school was for. You need a break before entering college, not more college credits. Heck, college is so cheap nowadays there’s absolutely no reason why shouldn’t be able to afford at least a few days of college and pick up some credits.

As a brilliant investigative reporter—because no one ever suspects the gum-chewing, half asleep, walking into walls, grammatically erroneous teen to be anything but a source of comedic relief—I can tell you that there are actually other, better reasons to take AP classes.

1. Get Less Sleep

Many studies have shown that teens need 8+ hours of sleep every night. These incredibly scientific studies argue that a lack of sleep leads to depression, anxiety disorders, and zombification of teens into stumbling green undead creatures.

But let me ask you something: when’s the last time anyone ever sponsored a study examining the consequences of getting enough sleep every night? It’s never happened, because people are too afraid to find out what getting enough sleep could mean. For all we know, sleep can cause death, just like it’s been found that various amounts of sitting, standing, running, swimming, breathing, and eating can. Obviously, no one knows for sure, but to make sure you’re not getting too much sleep, you should definitely take some AP classes.

2. Learn More Useless Information

The purpose of our education system is to teach us stuff that we’ll never need to know, so that when we finally need to know something, we will have spent so much time Googling useless stuff that the useful stuff will be easy to find on Google. And, since education is often lauded for its effects on knowledge, the economy, politics, and social mobility, one can only conclude that more education is a good thing.

With that in mind, why take regular US History, when there’s an AP US History? It is clearly better to stay up until 3:00 AM learning about the Women’s Christian Temperance Union than it is to stay up until only 5:00 PM. Sure, in regular US History you might know the names of the leaders of the movement, but in AP US History you’ll learn so much that you can tell people whether the leaders preferred hot dogs or hamburgers.

3. It’s An Easy A

Colleges prefer A’s to B’s, or C’s, or even, believe it or not, D’s. But as the number of applicants to various colleges have skyrocketed, college admissions departments have had to adjust by spending less time on each applicant (although the popular alternative being considered is simply moving college application deadlines to the spring of your 6th grade year, to give the admissions officers enough time to really assess your “diversity”).

So, currently, college admissions officers only quickly glance at your transcript, trying to mentally tally the number of A’s. What this means is that the more AP classes you have, the more capital “A”s you have on that transcript. Thus, even taking an AP class adds an A to your transcript. And if it’s, say, AP Computer Science A, that’s even better. (For this reason, I’d recommend avoiding AP Calculus BC. Colleges hate C’s).

4. Awful Tests

Thanks to modern tech advancements, many of the old hardships of your parents’ days are over. You no longer need to walk five miles to school in the freezing cold with a warm potato in your pocket for lunch and warmth. You no longer need to sweep the school house or kill snakes on the playground. Heck, you don’t even have to churn butter!

Sure, this is mostly a good thing, but think about it: what are you going to tell your kids? Currently, your parents can make you grateful you have to wake up at 4:00 AM to catch the bus just by telling you about their own past.

Well, AP classes solve this problem. So, in the future, when you have kids, you can mention that you used to be locked in a room for four hours and forced to write essays about events that happened 300 years ago, by hand.

5. Never Worry about Social Status

It’s no secret that high school is a time of shifting social relationships, which can get pretty stressful. The best way to avoid this stress is simply to avoid people. And, the best way to avoid people is to take AP classes.

With AP classes, you’ll have 28 hours of homework every night, ensuring that you don’t have time to hang out with friends. Thus, you’re less likely to be betrayed or hurt by your friends, since you don’t have any.

Overall, there’s really no reason not to take AP classes. Heck, I’ll bet that in fifteen years taking AP classes will do more for your high school status than playing on the varsity football team. But don’t wait: take the number of APs that you can handle, multiply it by five, and then take that many AP classes. You’ll be astounded at how much your life improves.