3 Common Causes of Phone Death

Phone CemeteryYou are probably not still using your first cell phone. If you are, you are either new to cell phone technology or you are still using an outdated piece of scrap that would be better off being run over by your car (see, there’s some complicated logic here.  I figure that this happens to everybody at least once.  If you run over your outdated phone with your car, when you get a new phone it is very unlikely that you’ll run it over with your car).

I am not even on my first phone; I switched recently and upgraded to a better phone with an actual camera (my old phone had a 1.2 megapixel camera; however, the screen itself only had about seven pixels, so the camera was useless either way).  The one exception is for those of you who have super-cool phones.  If you have managed to keep one of those shoebox sized white plastic monsters from who knows when working until today, congratulations.  You probably aren’t reading this, though, because I don’t know if you get modern Internet on an ’82 PC.

I don’t know about you, but, as of late, it seems a lot of people I know have had to get a new phone due to breakage, loss, or malfunction.   Therefore, I think it would be justified for me to thoroughly examine this topic (read: make fun of) during this post.  Otherwise, I could talk about something else, like the humor potential of a tissue box, but then I’d have wasted a thoroughly good introduction.

Physical Harm

The most common cause of phone death seems to be physical breakage, such as screen cracks, hinge snaps, or battery leaks.  The reason seems to be that teenagers are not very careful, but, as I, being a teen myself, cannot accept this, I will blame these breakages on phone companies.  Who are you going to side with, the wide-eyed, innocent teenage boy, or (loud booming voice) the ‘Big Corporations’?  Please ignore the fact that the wide-eyed teenage boy has a tattoo on his forearm and a pierced ear, along with his untied shoelaces and sagging pants.


Wetness is also a major killer.  It is like the Jack the Ripper of cell phones: a constant serial murderer.  This is also the most depressing death of a phone, because you can’t blame the corporations, who warn you of wetness.  Usually, it occurs near a cloud or bathroom.  Therefore, I’d advise you to stay away from clouds or bathrooms.  You may think you’ll get sun burnt, but the dirt buildup from not showering is the best sunscreen I’ve ever discovered-it’s got to be at least SPF 300.


The other well-known cause of phone death is the mysterious malfunction.  There are a billion and a half conspiracy theories on this one.  It could be those big corporations are forcing you to buy a new phone to make money.  It could be bad karma. Heck, it could even be the fact that you hung up on that nice foreign-language speaking telemarketer who was trying to tell you about this wonderful new vacation opportunity for those who are between 21-25, have a credit card, know their social security number, and make over $80,000 a year.

Flip-phone or slide, touch-screen or keyboard, i-Phone or Droid, your phone is at risk.  Know the symptoms (which were not mentioned in this post).  Know the prevention methods (also not mentioned in this post).  Most importantly, read this blog for this valuable information on cell phone deaths (Hey! Mentioned in this post).

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