3 Magnificent Ways to Get More Done on the Weekend

getting stuff done on the weekendThe weekend.  That word has immense power over any teenager.  For example, you can threaten to assign even more homework over the weekend.  You can threaten to force a teen to do chores over the weekend.  You can even threaten to play the word “weekend” against a teen in scrabble, netting you (without any bonus tiles) at least 65 points.

What makes this word so powerful is that the weekend is like a two-day sunburst of freedom amongst a 9 month ordeal of torturous backbreaking work.  Thus, teens try to avoid working on the weekend even more than they try to avoid work during the week.  Sadly, however, teens haven’t yet figured out that they can’t both procrastinate on the weekend, and say that they’ll do the work over the week, and then spend all week saying that they’ll do it over the weekend.

So, then, it may be an unavoidable fact of life that you will have to work on weekends.  However, I’ve devised a schedule that should allow you to get all your work done and have plenty of spare time:

Friday night: homework

Saturday: homework & chores

Sunday: homework & chores

See? It’s brilliant!

Seriously, though, there are strategies for making your weekend more enjoyable, and I’ve come up with a secret that I think could make your life easier.  I’m not going to tell you what it is, though, because then it wouldn’t be a secret, so instead here are three things you can do to free up more time over the weekend.


This is flaunted in the business world as a key to freeing up valuable time.  There’s no good reason why you can’t extend this technique to your homework and chores, aside from the minor inconveniences of this being immoral, dangerous, plagiarism/cheating, and possibly nausea.  Ask your doctor if outsourcing is right for you.

Really, though, in today’s interconnected society, outsourcing is so easy that even babies (yes, even the ones who aren’t advanced enough to trade stocks on e-trade) frequently outsource their main tasks, namely eating, sleeping, crying, and defecating (usually all at once).

You have the obvious resources, like Fiverr, where thousands of people are willing to do just about anything with “guaranteed results”, even if these results are jail time for you. Then you’ve got your more personal social media, such as Facebook, where you have 5,783 friends whom you’ve never actually said more than two words to.  Simply ask one of your good buddies who friended you at some point last year (or was it this year) and whose name is…Jim-no, John, his name is John-to write a 5-page paper on the meaning of the word “is” as intended by the author in “Something Wicked this Way Comes.”

Coffee Time Machine

On the weekend, the fact that you are not in class allows you to drink coffee whenever you want.  If you can start drinking coffee as soon as you get home on Friday, then, assuming you don’t need to sleep Friday or Saturday night, you can intake enough consecutive caffeine so that time appears to slow.

What’s really happening, of course, is that you are simply going faster, which still allows you to get more work done.  Of course, you may need to avoid this method for writing homework, because your hand will shake so much that your written responses will look like a seismograph during a major earthquake (and the fact that you probably spilled coffee all over your papers just adds to this impression).

Also, I should probably warn you that you will experience a major crash Sunday night/Monday morning, to the point where you should pad your floors and sharp corners and call the attendance office and let them know that you “won’tcometoschoolforthreeweeks” because you have a rare disease and must travel to doctors in Miami where you will be abducted by Aliens and then dropped at your house next-next-next Monday.

Self Hypnosis

While this doesn’t avoid the work, it can make the work more enjoyable.  Just imagine that you aren’t actually doing homework, but rather are doing something enjoyable.  Honestly, I’ve no idea how this works, but it sounds great on paper: you have fun, the work gets done.

I suppose that you could pretend that your math problems are really evil villains, and every time you complete one the villain is killed.  But that won’t work for one obvious reason: any teen faced with 40 math problems or 40 villains would take the villains in a heartbeat.

While these three methods will greatly improve (improve meaning change for better or worse, here) your weekends, there is still my secret method.  But I’m not planning on telling you anytime soon, although I will give you this hint: it involves a blender.  

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