3 Things to do with College Mail

Funny mail from a collegeFirst off, let me start off by offering you a slightly off-topic generalization off the top of my head that hopefully isn’t too offensive: nobody uses snail mail anymore. Nobody; not even snails.

There are always exceptions to the rule, though. Obviously, you don’t use snail mail, and neither does anyone else who is under the age of 93. However, some businesses, certain spammers, and Malaysian Trumpet Snails still use it.

Oh, and did I forget to mention, colleges. Colleges use snail mail.

It seems counter intuitive, right? Snail mail is the least efficient way to convey information, because it’s slow, you can’t get it on your phone, it takes a long time, you can’t get it on your computer, it’s slow, it’s not even close to fast, you can’t get it on your tablet, it can be delayed or lost, it’s slow, it doesn’t get places quickly, it’s slow, and it’s very slow.

These snail mail-using colleges are the same ones where you are supposed to be able to get a higher education. Maybe if the price of stamps would stop going up, tuition costs wouldn’t be so high.

Nonetheless, you’re going to end up with some college mail. And when you get it, you’re going to want to know what you should do with it.

Keep All of It

In 1-3 years, when you apply to colleges, you’re going to want to know the names of the colleges you want to apply to. This seems like a no-brainer, but since there are approximately 4,562 colleges, with new ones sprouting in abandoned warehouses every three minutes, you’re going to need something to narrow down the choices.

You could, of course, just go by which colleges are good ‘fits’ for your needs, on the basis of academics, extracurricular activities, location, or mascot coolness. But then again, that’s so rational that it’s giving you hives, ‘cause you’re allergic to logic.

And this is why you’ve kept all of your college mail. You’ll probably have about 5,342,211 pieces of it by the time you’re applying. That doesn’t matter; you aren’t going to apply to every college that sent you mail. Mail is simply the means to an end.

All you have to do is come up with some sort of criteria for picking about ten colleges to apply to. It could be that you apply to the colleges that sent you the most mail. Maybe it’s the colleges that sent you the combined heaviest amount of mail. It could be the colleges that sent you the most colorful mail in the month of March.

If you’re really smart, you might simply apply to every college that didn’t send you mail, because you don’t want to attend a school that’s so old age that it still uses snail mail. The criteria aren’t all that important. The only important thing is that you have used some sort of system to arrive at a narrowed-down list of colleges to apply to.

Read Parts of It

By junior year, you’ll be getting so much college mail that you will have had to install a stake to keep your mailbox from crumbling under the weight of it. You will have about four hundred boxes full of it. Sometimes, a special USPS-branded dump truck will simply have to pull up to your driveway and dump its load.

You cannot possibly read all of your college mail and expect to retain any sanity. So, you’re going to need a strategy.

You should always read the first line. How do they address you? Mr./Ms., first and last name, just first name, first letter of each name, a random letter from your first name? Now, how does that title make you feel? Take this into consideration when deciding which of your bajillion piles to place it into.

Next, skip down to the ending. Did the dean ‘sign’ it? The Director of Admissions? An intern? Do they have a cool name? Did they spell ‘sincerely’ correctly?

You might think these are humorous questions, but I kid you not, as I am writing this I am looking at a piece of mail from a college where just under the name where the occupation title goes, it says “Director of Admissio.” I honestly have no idea what ‘Admissio’ is, but it must be important, because this college has a Director of it. (You’re probably saying that it’s a typo, and that they forgot the ‘n’, but I assure you: these colleges know what they’re doing. They use snail mail, remember).

Look at the Pictures

Finally, you should also look at the pictures. If there are no pictures, assume that the college is already strapped for funds and that your tuition costs will be in the nine-digits.

If the pictures are in black and white, appreciate the effort, but don’t really bother. I mean, the text is in black and white too, and that already functions like a picture, since you didn’t bother reading it.

What you really care about are color pictures.

First, you’ve got your requisite pictures of students bending over a microscope or textbook. The key thing to look at is their mouth. If they’re smiling, then you should know that this was a staged shot (nobody smiles while looking in a microscope), and nobody at this college actually does any work. If they’re unhappy, then they are genuinely working, and working does happen at that college.

Then, look at the pictures of student life. Here, you want smiles, and not frowns. If people aren’t smiling, it’s because the picture is staged. I mean, when’s the last time someone shoved a camera in your face and told you to smile just as you were finishing telling a funny story to your friends, and you actually smiled? You want to go to the college with well-trained photographers, obviously.

Finally, look at the weather. If the sky isn’t blue, again, assume inexperience and poor planning (so this isn’t a place you want to attend). Even colleges located farther north than parts of Canada will wait for the one day every six years when there is a blue sky so that they can take pictures for their mail.

So, the next time you want to bash snail mail, just remember: colleges still use it. And then bash it twice as hard, because colleges are schools, and nobody under the age of 25 likes schools, homework, or sleep deprivation.

Again, sorry for the delay between this and the last post. (I was sick this week and had to catch up on some other stuff). If you’re angry about waiting so long, though, then maybe you should take some of that anger out on someone with a good prank. Perhaps you’ll want to peruse “A Better Set of ‘Kick Me’ Signs,” published this time last year.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: