3 Tips for Crafting the Perfect New Year’s Resolution

New Years is a bittersweet time of year for us teens: it’s sweet to celebrate and bitter to realize that we have only a few days until we have to go back to school; it’s sweet to appreciate that we’ve survived another year but bitter to know we have only one year left until the end of the world; some of the food at the parties may be in a sweet and sour sauce, leaving a sweet first impression but ultimately a bitter taste in our mouths; etc.

One of the great things about New Years Eve, though, is the sense of hope that we, as a young generation, have. It’s a hope of a better year, and improved future, and a whole new, fresh, untarnished year for us to procrastinate through, all the way until the end of the next semester. If you want to avoid this procrastination, then you should either create a New Year’s resolution or pick up a brain at Walmart (or a pack of sixty brains at Costco wholesale).

The thing about resolutions, though, is that you actually have to have the self-discipline to carry them out.  To fix that, I’ve got some tips on how you should create your resolutions.  This allows you to feel good without actually accomplishing anything, a feeling that is usually only otherwise achieved by massages/stretching or using government controlled substances (like drugs, alcohol, or gum). Just be careful that you don’t become addicted to creating New Years Resolutions, or you might never accomplish anything in your whole life, even after you turn 20.

Tip #1: Weak Wording

One way to avoid the stress associated with these resolutions is to create a weakly-worded resolution in the first place.

For example, let’s say that you’ve got this sample resolution:
I will stop instinctually throwing off a bridge anyone who mentions Justin Bieber in a favorable, neutral, or only mildly derogatory way.

That’s a serious resolution.  That means that even if you come upon a 20-pound 1 year old who is singing (it’s a 1 year old prodigy) a Justin Bieber song on a bridge that is only 3″ wide and you accidentally brush against them trying to cross the bridge, causing them to fall off and plummet to the water below, you will have ruined your chances to uphold this resolution.

To avoid that (because let’s admit it: we all cross narrow bridges with little children at least as often as we clean our rooms, and we all know that ‘my room is clean, mom, so can I go out now?’) you need to water down the language; the example becomes:

I will maybe probably give some effort to trying to stop instinctually throwing anyone off a bridge that is higher than two miles above whatever is below it who mentions Justin Bieber in a favorable, neutral, or only mildly derogatory way, if it is Tuesday and between the time when I eat lunch and dinner*.

*Just a quick note: this last part is pretty genius, and you should try to include it in every one of your resolutions. Since teens eat so much, just define two different snacks, or even two different bites, as “lunch” and “dinner,” limiting the time when this resolution could possibly affect you.  Or, for those of you who are super-genius (relative to other teens, of course, so for those of you who remember what day of the week it is even when school isn’t in session) you could define “lunch” as the common term for a meal at noon-ish, and “dinner” as the old English term for what is now lunch, thus making this resolution pretty much never affect you.

Tip #2: Use Scientific Truths

Let’s say that your weak wording somehow still leaves room for the resolution to apply to you, even for only a second.  It would be bad to mess up, because this is your last chance to uphold a New Years resolution assuming the world ends in 2012.  So, make your resolution physically impossible to  go against.

In the example’s case, just append something brilliant like: “….although if they do get thrown off a bridge, I resolve that they will fall down as per gravity and not up, horizontally, or at some odd degree between the two.”

Tip #3: Presentation

The whole point of having to make a resolution is for you and others to admire your resolve.  But with our current example, you would need at least 40 seconds to actually tell the resolution, and we all know teens can’t focus for more than ten seconds on anything.*

In this case, you need to use the “…,” or ellipses punctuation, verbally, to make your resolution sound great.  As far as the example is concerned, you can just say: “I will….stop throwing anyone off a bridge…who mentions Justin Bieber.”

And there you have it; the best system ever for creating New Year’s resolutions.  I’d love to write more about this, but “I will…work on…writing shorter blog posts…that are just as funny but…take less time to read.”

*Except gum, when the time rises to a 15 second focus period.  However, I once witnessed someone choke/suffocate to death after they asked for gum every 15 seconds from one particularly generous person who had a lot of gum; the gum built up in their mouth and ultimately cut off their windpipe, as they kept forgetting that they had gum in their mouth already. I still get shivers just thinking about that.

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Comments

  1. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    Rebeib Nitsuj <—his name looks strangely awesome when written backwards! just thought I 'd throw that out there…great post as usual!
    ~Abbey

  2. I actually like the long posts, they’re funny, funny, funny and more funny. Did I mention funny? I like it. Usually, I manage to follow my New Year’s Resolution for maybe 3 seconds. I always make sure of loopholes, and tons of exceptions. For example:

    After the weather shuts up for 25 days straight, which means no cloudy days or rain, try to be able to maybe bike 25 miles, on a completely smooth surface with no bumps, and the asphalt must be imported from China, and there should be no hills. At all. Otherwise, nope.

    Yup. That’s on my list of resolutions. My mother did not approve. Neither did my dad. Sigh…life is hard for us teens.

    • Well, then, I’ve got good news for you: teens aren’t much good at keeping their resolutions (and did you catch the “…”s in my resolution?). As far as your own resolution goes, did you try asking any pets, plants, or bacteria for approval? If you still want parental approval, just throw in some ellipses and make it “pretty.” And yep, life is hard; when’s the last time any adult’s future depended on the quadratic formula?
      -Phil

      • I think part of the reason why they didn’t approve was because, well, I kinda already biked 25 miles before. Well, technically it was around 24 miles, but my parents rounded. (I know, my life depends on whether or not my parents remember math class. It’s pathetic.)

        So, I asked my brother (he’s technically a pet, just one that’s really annoying) for approval. The idiot ripped it in half. So then, I asked the money plant (it doesn’t make money. At all. I wish life was what it says it is.) and it, well, I think it nodded. Or maybe I’m hallucinating. But you can’t go wrong with a plant, even if it lies to you. I asked my brother again (this one’s for the bacteria suggestion) (this time I put the paper in a plastic glove or whatever you call those sheet covers) and he read it. Then he got scissors and, well, you guess what happened. I know what you’re thinking. (Actually, I’ll tell you what you should be thinking, because us teenagers are usually thinking ______.). My brother is a jerk. Well, he is.

        The money plant approved though, so I’m happy. I added ellipses, but apparently my parents are smarter than they look. (Yes, I am implying something.) According to my mom, my dad once hacked into my server. I don’t even know what a server is. Anyway, they recognized it. Again. Even with the ellipses. What really ticked me off was that my brother’s resolution was, “I will eat new foods, and not throw up afterwards.” That was it. I’m not even kidding. He even put in a comma in before the conjunction when it wasn’t needed, but my parents oohed and aahed over the fact he knew what a comma was. I think the only lifeforms lower than us teens socially, mentally, physically and idiotically are kids in the 3-12 year range.

  3. Oh wow! I just found out about this blog, and it’s the blog I’ve been looking for my whole life. YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS. And it’s so true- I can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds besides gum! Haha! I tried showing this post to my parents, because I thought it was so funny, but they obviously didn’t get it. They didn’t even understand the 60 count pack of brains at Costco Wholesale joke, and they practically live in Costco. Oh well. I seriously am in love with this blog. You guys make me laughs so hard!!

    –Natalia :D

    • Thanks for the compliment, Natalia. I’m glad that you like our blog so much. I just hope that the terrorists, communists, aliens, and communist terrorist alien ax murderers never find out about this blog; they’d learn exactly how to effectively neutralize the entire teen population.
      -Phil

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