The 3 Undeniable Positives of Valentine’s Day

A Candy BoxYou may not have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, or you may be torn apart by fighting girlfriends/boyfriends/crows* (in which case, you should definitely check out this post on adhesives, because you’ll need one). Obviously, both of these situations are unpleasant and unwanted, and both could occur on Valentine’s Day.

*No, I don’t mean that you are having a romantic relationship with multiple birds; I’m just trying to point out that there is a daily risk, however large or small, of being torn apart by crows.

Wait, but that can’t be right. Did I just say “unpleasant” in regards to Valentine’s Day? Isn’t that the day of love, happiness, and celebration, a day to be spent happily ever after? The answer is: no. You’re probably thinking of a Disney movie, unless there are parents present, in which case you must be thinking of a normal, un-Disney-fied fairy tale.

Seriously, we all know that Valentine’s day isn’t all that it is idealized to be. This is proven by the fact that Valentine’s day was, this year, a Tuesday in February. Have you ever experienced ‘happily ever after’ on a School Day in February? I didn’t think so.

(If you have, then please pretend you haven’t, so I’m not wrong. I hate being wrong. If you are not good at pretending, then I offer you this explanation: You were dreaming. In fact, you might be dreaming right now. This could even be a dream inside a dream…inside a dream. Still so sure of yourself? Nope. And the same thing applies to that question: pretend I’m right, or you might be dreaming. Okay?-Don’t answer that).

(Take that, DiCaprio. I just wrote a more confusing plot in one paragraph then you could portray in a whole movie). (I’ll stop with the parentheses now and go back to the post).

Regardless, there are some undeniable positives of Valentine’s Day, not the least of which being this: if you assume that more people take ‘romantic’ walks outside during Valentine’s Day with their partner, then that means there are many more people outside than normal. This dramatically reduces the odds that you’ll be torn apart by crows.

Here are a few other positives of Valentine’s Day:

The Candy

A whole 4 months after Halloween comes another holiday which offers expectations of candy. Actually, you don’t even have to wait that long, if you celebrate your winter holiday of choice, New Years, New Years Day, the weekend after Finals, and Groundhog Day with candy as well.

Of course, your teeth might rot out mid-January, assuming you continue eating Halloween-like amounts, but I hear that you can use a blender in these extreme cases (to grind up your candy so you can drink it, or even so you can IV-drip it into your veins. Ask your doctor if this is right for you).

Therefore, most wise people wait from Halloween until Valentine’s Day for another candy binge. This means that it is not uncommon to see cheap candy, or to receive candy from your friends, teachers, or elected officials on this day. (“Here, have some sugar, lovely constituent. What’s that-you’re still not going to vote for me? In that case, you can take candy from this special bag. Poisoned? Why would you think that?”)

The Events

Often, to celebrate this holiday (really, just to celebrate the candy), people hold dances, parties, competitions, or other events. These are often fun, and while they are no more romantic than usual, they allow for more opportunity to consume candy, or beverages that are basically candy dissolved in water (or dissolved in acid, depending on the resiliency of the candy).

The Cupids

This is probably the best part of Valentine’s Day, so I’ve saved it for last. I mean, on what other day of the year can you go outside and supposedly see babies out and about. These babies didn’t just master walking; they’ve learned to fly, plus they have mad archery skills! If I ever have kids, I am definitely going to try and ‘raise’ a cupid.

Of course, I’ve never seen a cupid, and neither have you, but I’m sure they exist. For example, take taxes. We’ve probably never seen a “tax” walking down the street/flying and shooting arrows, but our parents are convinced that they exist. Besides, cupids are found in the art of the Renaissance, and we all know that if it’s been pictured by a famous artist, it exists. (Yes, I’m sure that there is an actual room somewhere with melting clocks and a train coming out of the fireplace. It’s right next to the closet where they keep the failed cloning experiment byproducts: the four different color-tinted Marilyn Monroes).

Valentine’s Day is thus neither all good, nor all bad. What is? Even Sandusky is partly good; he had the “good” sense to get himself a lawyer. Regardless, if you consider the fact that Candy is basically gum that you are supposed to swallow, plus more sugary and available in more flavors, than I think you know why I’m counting the days until the next Valentine’s Day.

Readers: In just one of the new things I am planning on trying during this (blogging) year, I am going to highlight a favorite post written about the same time as each post at the end, but during the previous year of this blog.

Today, to start this off, I recommend you read “Poetry is to Me as Metal is to Microwaves,” about poetry, metaphors, and my failures as a poet. If you’ve ever had to read poetry, but aren’t a poet yourself, you’ll love this post (because you’ve got all that extra love you were saving for Valentine’s day, but were unable to use it because I was you were too busy stuffing your face with candy).

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  1. Your picture made me laugh. That is so true. And well, I don’t know about your school, but at my school there are no Valentine’s Day dances or parties, and nobody acknowledges Valentine’s Day unless they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. So if you’re single and you want candy, you have to go buy it yourself. I read that over and it sounded really depressing… And well, I actually HAVE seen a cupid before, and it shot me with one of it’s arrows, and now I’m in love with your blog. That’s okay, though right? <:D Haha.

    • It’s a shame that you miss out on all that free candy. Your health is probably negatively impacted by this neglect. And, just a fair warning, that might not have been a cupid. It was, more likely, an oompah-loompah that I paid to dress up as a cupid, fly around (using the latest military tech), and shoot people with arrows that would ensure they fell in love with this blog. But I wouldn’t worry too much; all the tests we ran showed that the only possible side effect was that the person’s brain would melt; since you’re a teen, you probably won’t notice its absence for a few more years.

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