3 Ways Teens Can Get Candy on Halloween

Funny Halloween Candy

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Halloween is a synonym for candy.  We all know that.  In fact, candy has a lot of synonyms, including Valentines Day, Easter, New Years Eve, and, for some people, breakfast.

But back to Halloween.  As a kid, I’m sure you were just like me: running as fast as you can, trying to get as much candy as possible before the sun came up again.  However, you never got much candy, because you spent most of your time (with your supervising parent) waiting for cars a mile away to pass you so you ‘wouldn’t get hit’, running into trees and shrubs that were hard to see even without a mask that made you half-blind, and having to visit every house twice because you were forced to say thank you.  (Once I tried to argue that, as I was dressed as a mutant green rabid fridge box, it would be out of character to say thank you, but to no avail).

And even what little candy you gathered was further diminished because it was either homemade or poorly wrapped.  Of course either of these meant that there was likely lethal doses of pesticide, or at least a few sewing needles, in the candy, so your parents would throw it out.

Now, though, you’re in high school, and are a little old to be running around. Also, for many of us, they don’t make big enough refrigerator boxes anymore.  So, then, what are you going to do on Halloween?

Well, many teens decide to pull pranks.  Frankly, I don’t condone these for the simple reason that I see no connection between pranks and candy.  Unless someone will prove to me that placing plastic forks in someone’s lawn is what is needed to plant a candy tree, I’m going to have to say: leave those forks where they belong.  (I have no idea where the fork belongs-does it go on the left or right side of the plate?)

So, then, there are three other ways you can get candy on Halloween.  These are more moral and just than pulling pranks, by the simple logic of these ways “hurt less people.”  I mean, come on.  Candy and little kids are involved.  Don’t tell me you didn’t think someone was going to have to get hurt.

Don’t Give the Candy Away

The first way you can get candy on Halloween is by keeping the candy your parents buy to give out.  There are many ways to do this, and all deal with the simple principle of “don’t give any candy away, even if the president shows up.” Remember, it’s Halloween, so many different versions of the president, all under 4 feet tall, may show up.  Don’t let the threat of a tactical nuclear missile strike deter you from not giving away your candy.  Actually, that is how the creators of the ‘Toxic Sludge’ super-sour candy came up with the idea-it is actually toxic sludge left over from when the real president did show up.

Other ways you can avoid giving out candy include something I like to call “trick” and something I like to call “the three-headed dog from hell.” The ‘trick’ is that you dump all the candy your parents bought into a large bag, and save the wrappers (as intact as possible).  Then you simply fill them up with plastic beads and hand them out on Halloween.  No one will discover you, because the parents will notice the tampered-with wrappers, so they’ll just throw the candy out without opening it.

The “three-headed dog from hell” is pretty self-explanatory.  You need to call up whoever presides over the underworld these days and simply ask if you can rent out Cerberus, the hellhound, for a day.  This year, it’s probably already booked, so on November 1st, try to book it for next year. 

Then all you have to do is chain it to a tree near your front door.  At max, one kid will get close before the other kids realize that this is a real dog, not a decoration.  As far as what to do with that one kid that gets too close, well, think of them as a free bonus decoration.

Good Ol’ Family

The second way to get candy on Halloween is to have a younger sibling.  If you don’t already have one, see if you can get a cheap crash dummy somewhere and touch up on your ventriloquist skills.  If you get that crash dummy after it had crashed, then you don’t even need a costume, just some red paint.  From there, just exact a fee of 90% of your sibling’s candy in return for protecting them from…[spooky voice] the things.  If you don’t know what the “things” are, then I’m sorry to tell you that it’s too late for you.

The Thing

The third way to get candy on Halloween is to become a “thing.”  This is also pretty easy-just wear black, a mask of some sort, and make scary noises as young kids approach a shrub you are hiding in.  Then, when they are close, jump out and yell something (anything works as long as you don’t yell “Marco!” in which case a real “thing” will yell “Polo!” and then come and eat you, because that’s just how “things” roll).

The kids will scream and then run into each other, because, if you recall, those masks restrict one’s view a ton.  They should also drop their candy.

The best part is that you don’t need to worry about parents; the parents are thrilled you took their kid’s candy, as now they don’t have to spend time looking for tampered wrappers or enduring the thumps as their kid bounces off the walls.

So, even though you’re a teen, there are still some ways to get candy on Halloween.  Just don’t attack a 3-foot tall boy wearing a pink refrigerator box, because his older brother has promised to protect him from the things in return for 90% of his haul.  And you don’t want to get hit by my thing-repellant. 

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