3 Ways Teens Should Choose Presidential Candidates

Question Mark PresidentIf you are a teen, you may or may not be able to vote.  However, on the argument that has been put out by the wise and rational ‘occupy’ group, you, as a teen, are likely one of the 99% of teens who can’t vote/never got to vote before they turned 20.  This means something needs to change.

But before you storm the nearest large city (unless you live in Iowa, Missouri, or South Dakota, where there are no large cities, in which case you probably have no idea who the ‘occupy’ people are anyway, not to mention you are still waiting for a return telegraph from your great-great-great-grandfather’s cousin telling you whether or not the continental congress voted for independence or not), you need to consider something: do you look ‘educated’ enough?

By this, I mean that if you really want to blend in with the ‘occupy’ movement, you need to dress black-tie at least.

Actually, you need to consider: if you could vote, whom would you vote for?  Right now, I couldn’t even answer that question; there are so many current candidates they blend together in my mind and I get them confused. The last time I checked, I think I was rooting for Rick Gingrich or Mitt Paul or something like that…it might have been Barack Romney Jr., now that I think of it.

So, to help you keep things straight, I have found that there are three fail-proof ways to decide whom you would vote for, if you could vote. (If you already know whom you are voting for, or whom you would vote for, then let me congratulate you, as this will save you a lot of time in the next few months that you would have otherwise spent trying to decide.  Let me guess: is it Michelle Perry?).

First: The Issues

The issues the world is facing in today’s difficult times are all very serious.  Therefore, you should know what your favorite candidate’s stance is on most of them.  To help you keep track, I’ve created a list below.

  • Abortion: (positions) pro social security or pro illegal immigrant laws
  • Defense spending: pro life or pro Russia
  • A Nuclear Iran: pro bowl or anti all-star game
  • Unemployment rate: anti Castro or pro choice
  • Debt rating: pro taxing S&P or pro bombing S&P
  • Europe: pro crepes or anti-bratwurst
  • Clocks: pro round or pro octagonal
  • Political scandals: pro resignation or pro space program funding
  • Anything else: pro bipartisanship or anti partisanship

Second: The Candidates

You can always just pick a favorite candidate based on the candidate him/herself.  After all, that issues list is long and not even all-inclusive (so finding out Newt Bachmann’s position on, say, strip-mining New York City could take a long time).

Therefore, look at the candidates one by one, and consider this: if you had to wear their hair for a day, would you popularity go up or down? If up, choose that candidate.

If, by some fluke, there is currently more than one candidate with good hair, then the next thing you look at are the teeth.  If it is still a tie, then hire an American Kennel Club judge to walk the candidates around on a leash and then check their gums.

Third: The…um…sorry.  Oops?

I seem to blanking on the third method, so I’m just going to have to get back to you on this.  Oh, wait, was it the EPA? No, that wasn’t it.

Now I remember.  The third way to choose a candidate, for teens, is this test: would you allow them to sub for you for one day of school?

(I’ve already mentioned my troubles with math, so I wouldn’t readily allow someone whose thought process might be “So, the three rules of exponents are…”).

Now that you’ve got three-fail proof ways to decide whom to vote for, what are you waiting for? Go occupy a city and change the voting age to 13.

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