3 Ways to Become a More Obnoxious Teen

yes of course this is obnoxiousTeens are famous for many things, from being unintelligent to being less intelligent than a bowl of kasha varnishkus. Teens are also famous for being obnoxious. Just as singers develop their voice (notice that singers are famous for having a good voice), teens must develop their ability to be obnoxious.

But what if you were born without this obnoxious gene? What if you don’t have the ability to induce ulcers and strokes in those around you? Well, then, I’ve got good news for you: you might be an intelligent ape, or, more likely, a very evolved flea. In which case, you just need to worry about either a) eating fleas, or, b) not getting eaten by apes.

However, by using simple addition, I’ve deduced that you are probably a teen, or, at least a human, if you read this blog. (The addition is as follows: title of blog, “High School Humor Blog” + “You” = “HSHBY”, or “Humans Standing H-united,” pronounced ‘united,’ “for the Betterment of Yetii,” or the plural form of Yeti. If you’d join an organization like that, you are probably a teen).

And so, regardless of the current level of your obnoxiety-skills, they can always serve to be improved. After all, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Faith, hope, and pixie dust. (That, right there, is a good example of an obnoxious joke).

Blast your Tunes

If you walk into a room with your music up loud, and people turn their heads towards you, their faces morphing into an expression of disgust, then you are failing miserably at being a teenager. Your music needs to be so loud that people are already watching the door when you walk in, because they can hear your music from three rooms away.

You can accomplish this a few ways. You could blast music from your earphones/headphones, but unless you want it to sound like the artist recorded their song inside of a tin can during an earthquake, you’re going to need some better equipment.

I’d recommend that you at least bring small, portable speakers around, hidden in your pockets. You can also bring one of those suitcases that is a massive speaker around with you. Heck, you might as well just learn to play a few instruments, such as the drums, synth, and “auto-tune,” and play live, LOUD music.

Whatever you choose, make sure to still leave your earbuds in your ears for effect, even though they aren’t actually plugged in to anything. I’m not even kidding when I say that other teens will find it ‘cool’ and be envious of the volume you can tolerate; it ties back to primordial instincts. Teens assume that anyone who can listen to loud noises must have a smaller brain, so that it is farther away from the sound. Of course, having a small brain is considered a good thing, because it means you’ve got less to worry about when you inevitably hurt your head fighting/thinking/opening the cupboard.

Wear Annoying Clothes

Sure, you might normally wear jeans, but have you ever worn tie-die neon magenta and puke green jeans? How about a T-shirt that says, “You don’t know Diddley?” If not, you’ve been dressing wrong your entire life.

Your clothes need to make a statement louder than your music. They should blind others. You should walk down the street and people should stop, point, and shout, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…walking toward me! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh…..”

But it’s hard to constantly dress like this; that’s why I’m here to help. First of all, never buy conventional colors. This means no blue jeans, no white socks, no brown belts, and no gray T-shirts (unless they say something like “I make it look easy”). Place random holes, loops of metal, and patches on your clothes. Walk by a mirror on your way out the door every morning-if it doesn’t instantly shatter, than you aren’t wearing obnoxious enough clothes.

Develop an Obnoxious Habit

Maybe it’s a burp. Maybe it’s an abnormally high-pitched laugh. Maybe it’s pausing like Obama does…between every…few words. Whatever it is, it’s got to be annoying. It’s got to draw out the veins on the foreheads of those around you faster than, say, Lebron James taking his talents to the New York Giants or the Boston Bruins in the hopes that he’ll finally get a ring.

If you really have no idea where to take this, than you could try to:
• Constantly interrupt others with “Yeah, okay, but who cares?”
• Make your gum more visible than your entire face
• Call everyone you meet “bro,” “dude,” or “homeboy”
• Spit your gum onto other people’s faces while interrupting with “Yeah, homeboy, but, like, dude, who cares?”

I’m not even going to give you a conclusion. Instead, I’ll leave you with a cliffhanger, just to be obnoxious: Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s-

If that cliff hanger left you wanting more, than here’s a (less-obnoxious) post from last year at this time: Attack of the Metaphors. Want to know why cheerios are metaphors? Read on.

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Comments

  1. Wah!! Your cliffhanger got me so stressed!! I really want to know the rest of the joke… and I think I am already annoying enough just by calling everyone I meet “dude”. I seriously ALWAYS do that. And yeah I always blast my tunes too. The thing that annoys people the most is that I always have my headphones in so I never hear when they’re talking to me, and they have to end up screaming in my face. But yeah. I like it, it’s funny. Haha. I really related to this post. So did my friends. It was hilarious.

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