3 Ways to Stop a Social Uprising

Rioting crowd

Do you know what’s going on in London, right now? I do: some little kids at King’s Cross Station just brained themselves on a post that they ran into, hoping that they were wizards.  Oh, on a lesser note, there seems to be some sort of massive protesting happening as well.

In case you didn’t know, according to the BBC: “The protesters are between the ages of 13-20, uneducated, radical, foreign-born or first generation British, troubled, underprivileged, single-lunged, cross-eyed, chain smoking, serial exercising, double-jointed, six-eyed, and scared of the dark.” So, it’s pretty clear to me (as it appears the BBC is a reliable source – Bumbling-ly-accurate But-my-imaginary Creation) that the protesters are at least teens, regardless of the fact that they come from planet Zorkexyl-V.

Now, if you add that to the fact that there were some other protests this year, such as everywhere else in the whole wide world, you begin to realize something: today’s videogames just can’t seem to keep teens occupied enough.

Take Egypt.  Disregarding whatever the BBC said, many college students used social media to stage their protests.  In fact, many people have called the protests various versions of “Social Media Uprisings”  (some of my favorite nicknames for the protests include “Overthrowing Governments-You, John, and 3,492 others like this,” “Attack of the Twitter Whale,” and “Tahrir Square: Click to Publicly +1 this”-never mind, Google+ came a little too late.  Those Google Data Miners sure missed some great opportunities).

Regardless of the various aspects, the fact that the protests are now appearing in London proves that these protests can spread just about anywhere.  In that case, you should be prepared ahead of time.  As most of the protesters/rioters are teens, there are a few things you can do in preparation to stop the protests.

Stock Up on Gum

Yes, this solution is so simple you might have missed it.  All you need to do is stock up on immense amounts of gum, and then you have a few options.

Option one is to bribe the protesters to stop in exchange for gum.  Even if they plan on taking the gum and then resuming, they will be too busy chewing to communicate with each other.

Option two is to lay a path of consecutive gum strips away from your population center.  Not only will the mob of rioters follow it out of town, they will also destroy themselves in the fight for the strewn-about gum.

Option three is to shoot the gum, using rubber bands, plastic spoons, or other weapons that can be found in a high school cafeteria.  Again, it is a double positive; you will injure the protesters mildly, discouraging them, and then they will be too busy fighting for the gum to remember what it is they are in a group for.

Hijack the Cell-Phone Towers

Protesting can become a long, multi-hour ordeal.  That means the only way the protesters can check their Facebook and Twitter profiles is using their smartphone.  Thus, cutting down and destroying the nearby cell-phone towers will quickly disperse the riot crowd.  Many will immediately rush home or to the nearest library to see if they have any new friend requests.

Hit Up the Costume Store

If the previous two options don’t work, you should use this as your last-ditch attempt to stop the protests.  Last-ditch because the costumed person may end up, um, dead.

See, all you need to do is find, buy, or create a costume of one of the most-hated characters by teens (or at least teen boys).  Pop singers such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black would be good choices.

Then, find some creative way to choose somebody for the unpleasant task.  I’d recommend taking the 5 fastest people and holding a race.  The 3rd fastest gets chosen (but don’t reveal that before the race is over).  After all, you don’t want the protesters to give up.

Once you’ve got your costumed decoy, have them run in front of and then away from the protesters.  When faced with overthrowing the government or finally getting revenge for all those songs you got stuck in your head, every single teen will choose the revenge.  If you are lucky, the runner makes it to at least the next town before being captured.

For all you know, the protests will soon be in your town, so I hope you take these preparations seriously.  If not, then you should put all your money in a foreign bank (I want to give a specific country, but I don’t want to give bad advice; no telling who’s economy goes next) and run, or you could take the Syrian approach and rent some tanks.

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