4 Hip Summer Styles

You, rocking those stylesIt’s a fact: emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards. Additionally, the facts on Snapple caps have nothing to do with this post.

Anyway, I’ll get a little straighter to the point. First of all, long introductions are overrated (not really, but I’m lazy so I’d rather not write one). Second, here are some great styles you need to try out this summer:

1. Rock that Hat*

Over the years, certain trends have caused the “wearing-direction” of hats to evolve. Originally, hats were meant to be worn pointing forward, yet things such as hip-hop music, deformed heads, California Condors, and the Phil+Ted blogging duo (yes, we are huge trend starters) caused hat-wearing styles to change.

On any given street (between Interstate 12.7 and The Yellow Brick Road), one will see countless pedestrians wearing hats backwards, sideways, diagonally, and all angles in between. But the next time you are about to put on your hat, you should rethink your actions. All those styles are so old; you should be unique.

So here is my advice: (assuming all of your hats have brims made out of stainless-steel like mine) file the brim into a sharp, pointed shape. Then, with the help of your fashion assistant, push the brim of your hat into the top of your head!

Now, instead of pointing forwards, backwards, sideways, or diagonally, your hat will point straight down – how cool, bro! It is likely you may experience a traumatic brain injury and/or death, but you’ll get used to it. So what are you waiting for? Finish writing your will, then rock that hat like a superstar!

2. Go Out in Underwear*

Teachers and parents are always telling teenagers to start reading/watching the news. Recently, I was watching the news when I saw something very interesting. The headlines were all about the Congressman Weiner Scandal.

You can learn one thing from this important news story: if a smart and sensible person (all politicians are geniuses, right?) can be on television wearing nothing but underwear, then everyone should follow his fashion-sense. At first glance, you might think this sounds crazy. But don’t worry, I tried it out and everything went smoothly. I walked through my closet, a locker room, and an Abercrombie and Fitch store in nothing but my boxers. Nobody even noticed! So I suggest you do the same and rock that underwear – it’s the hottest new style.

3. Even Better – Sag that Underwear*

One trend that swept across the nation was the ‘Sag my pants and look like a gangsta’ trend. That’s so 1700s, so I suggest you combine that old trend with my previous fashion suggestion. The product of that combination is to sag your underwear – wait, no…actually, don’t do that. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. Well, maybe if you’re in an Abercrombie and Fitch store, but otherwise don’t.

4. Look like an Accordion*

According to reliable sources (ie: cartoon shows Tom and Jerry and Looney Tunes), if something very heavy (typically a piano) falls on you, you will survive and come out looking like an accordion. Well, how cool would it be if you walked into the movie theater/shopping mall/Bloggers Anonymous meeting in that hip accordion-style! Your friends would be sooooo jealous.

Although a piano may be destroyed in order to make you look cool, you do receive a new human-instrument in return.

For some reason, those who rock the accordion-style are often found hanging out in underground wooden boxes with people who wear their hats pointing down, yet some things may never be explained. But forget about petty mysteries and think about what we do know for sure: accordions are no doubt the coolest people around.

*should not be tried outside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store.

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  1. You guys are awesome as far as your writing, content, and witty humor. I’m honestly impressed that you’re in high school and can write this well. Great work :)

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