4 Reasons Schools Have a Spring Break

Calendar of MarchBecause this week is spring break, I do not have the usual break-my-back workload from all of my classes.  I’ll bet that you think that this is a good thing.  Guess what? It is.  However, like most positive occurrences, there are minor unpleasant events associated with it (just look at winning the lottery-it leads to wealth, but there is an increase in criminal activity and scams directed at the winner.  Hopefully, though, whoever wins is intelligent enough to realize that it is incredibly unlikely that they also won the Transylvanian lottery-you know, the one that needs a social security number, bank account number, and driver’s license to claim).  The negative occurrence here is the increase in spare time.

That also sounds like a good thing, though, so let me use an analogy to attempt to explain how this is negative.  Let’s say you are asked by your boss or another superior to do 12 hours of hard work a day, for a consecutive three months.  Then, this mysterious superior doesn’t ask you to do any work for a week.  You’d be instantly suspicious and anxious.  Were they after something from you? Were you going to be fired or asked to do even more work? Did they have a crush on your pet Chinchilla?

That’s how it feels during spring break.  Having less work to occupy our time, teenagers become instantly suspicious. I think that it’s an instinctual thing, right up there with using the bathroom, eating when hungry, and writing on the walls (from cave walls to graffiti, instincts never die).

Therefore, I have come to four possible conclusions.  Each is a motive for schools allowing a spring break.  I mean, why else would schools let us out of their sight for a whole week?  Even disregarding that school “keeps us off of the streets”, high school students are free labor.  How do you think they built Rome in a day?

Scenario number one is the possibility that the schools need a full week to finish the details of our ‘labor contracts’.  We will then be told that we are signing an academic honesty agreement, while actually signing ourselves away to an undisclosed location in Africa.  The schools will benefit because it will reduce the budget, what with not having to pay for food services or keep as many bathrooms operating.  The students benefit because, you guessed it, it builds character.

More likely is the fact that schools must be vacated so that they can receive the new “maximum persons” rules.  Throughout the year, the buildings have been shifting due to undiscovered earthquake fault lines, people dropping their bags dramatically on the floors, and a rise in food and oil prices.  Therefore, the Fire Marshall must visit the school and cram the rooms full of people until someone is crushed to death.  Then they take that number and add fifty-just to be on the safe side.  Where do they get the people? Simple.  Advertisements for tax-deductible work experience that is also a leadership-training program (Uhahahhhh! Can’t Breathe! C’mon, I think I found a weak floorboard) highly recommended by “Kathy, an empowered person” who was not “paid” to make a recommendation, but, instead, her hospital bills were mysteriously taken care of.

Situation three is dreadful-being bought out by the chain restaurant.  A fast food place or coffee shop has buys out and closes down the school, forcing the students and teachers out.  While this may at first seem positive, after the first week, or “Spring Break”, the government discovers that students are not attending school, regardless of the fact that there is no school to attend.  Therefore, the students get put in jail.

Lastly, the schools could be closed for the week because of migration.  It is now spring, so the teachers must migrate north to the natural habitats, which is where they remain in the summer.  This leads to a school staffed by substitutes, the average Joe, and Joe’s brother, the not-so-average Jagger, who is usually focused on a subject such as punk rock, wrestling, nascar, the color black, or any aspect of violence.  On the bright side, though, PE can get really interesting during the last semester, and classes are offered such as “The Art of Tattoo”, “How to punkify your college resume”, and “A.P. Gov-Protesting the Norms”.

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