Just as Justin Bieber is famous for singing like a girl, teenagers are famous for procrastinating. Hold on one second-I know you might have found that opening line funny, but it was a pretty cheap, easy way to start this post. Let me try again.
Benjamin Franklin once said something like ‘never do tomorrow what you can do today’, which, in the 21st century, means ‘don’t procrastinate’. Wait-that wasn’t very funny, and what’s up with B-Frank? I mean, Ted already mentioned him here, and I don’t think any other philosophers have been mentioned on this blog. I’d better fix that: Karl Marx, Thomas Hobbes, John Locke. Good to get that off my chest.
You know what? I’m just going to start. You’ve already read two introductions, and those are my way of procrastinating. I find intros easier to write the actual posts. In case you haven’t already figured out what my topic is, I am now going to examine procrastination. Actually, if you hadn’t already figured out what my topic is, I suggest you seek help (but you can always do that tomorrow; I suggest reading this today).
Teenagers are infamous for a lot of things. Being a teenager gives me quite a reputation to live up to. In fact, I don’t know if I can be as horrible-I mean, as wonderful-as people expect me to be. One of those well known attributes is pure, wide-eyed innocence-that is, for young toddlers ages 2-6 (I hope you weren’t surprised for any reason. I always knew toddlers to be this way, except when I was a toddler). For teenagers-I’d just like to pause and mention that this paragraph is now turning into my fourth introductory paragraph-a strongly defined attribute is procrastination. Why? See for yourself:
As a Teen, I am fully aware that the world could end on December 21, 2012; even if it doesn’t, I won’t be doing my homework until the 22nd. While this may seem far off, you need to realize how many similar events could occur. Apparently, the world also will end in March 11th of this year due to aliens, according to the Battle: Los Angeles movie.
In fact, if I had the money, I would pay some big graphic designer to destroy (only cinematically, of course) a different major city everyday, to give me a viable reason to think the world will end that day. Even without world-ending events, school could be canceled tomorrow due to: snow, tsunami, tornado, snow, earthquake, snow, meteor shower, snow, massive protests against or for the government, snow, or snow. Why should anyone do work if the due date will be extended, hopefully indefinitely? It doesn’t make sense.
Clearly, only a pure genius could pull an all-nighter and expect to get good grades. Also, someone this smart would not need to focus on their homework for very long, so there is no reason not to put it off. In fact, brainpower could be better spent on other activities, which have a greater moral, spiritual, and concrete payoff, such as: videogames, Facebook, and Facebook videogames.
These are different from “Shattering Consequences” because they are only shattering to a few people. Think of them as ‘Individual Shattering Consequences’. Oddly enough, though, teachers aren’t as sympathetic unless the whole class experiences something shattering. That’s pretty low, if you ask me, but modern educators are ruthless. Good examples of unforeseeable consequences include: parties, overwork, sickness, “sickness”, spiritual journeys, vacations, and Shattering Consequences limited to a few people (flooding one’s house, icing one’s driveway, or destroying just one skyscraper).
When these consequences arrive, who could blame us teens for not getting our work done on time? Non-teens could, I guess, but we are too busy being teenagers, and therefore pure genii (only a pure genius would know the plural form of genius) to worry about these consequences or this blame ahead of time.
#4-Society in General
Society has advanced so far that there are simply too many possible distractions. One must actually use effort to focus on work. It turns out that along with the US borrowing tons of money from other countries, we also borrowed tons of effort, so effort is hard to find these days. Even if you cared enough to create concrete, windowless homework cells so teenagers would be forced to concentrate and do work, the government (along with at least ten other political organizations) would intervene, so I can procrastinate without worrying about anything. The good news is that when society, as we know it, ends due to Shattering Consequences, there will be no more distractions and people can get to work raising society back to the level where nobody could work again.
Looking back at these reasons, I can see that teens blame everyone but themselves for procrastination. You know what that means…teenagers have finally reached perfection. However, if you are not currently a teen (or training for those teen years), you have no chance of mastering the art of procrastination, so don’t attempt it. Otherwise, you will stick out like an adult among teenagers (or like the one movie that picks some lesser city to destroy instead of LA, NY, Vatican City, D.C., etc.).
I’d love to come up with a terrific ending line, but there’s always the chance that the Internet will be taken over by hordes of angry virtual protesters (or that this site will be hijacked by Justin Bieber fans just like they hijacked Esperanza Spalding’s site), so there is no guarantee anyone will ever read this.