4 Things You can do to Stay Alive until Summer

Funny drawing, of courseWell, the obvious first thing you can do would be to read this blog. I mean, I doubt we’ve ever lost a reader, having fewer than 200 so far, so statistically, if you read this blog, you won’t die.

Or maybe it’s that statistically, since we haven’t lost a reader yet (I think), everyone is more likely to die until someone actually dies. But since I want you to read this blog, let’s pretend that my imaginary friend sacrificed himself for our statistical chances of survival.

However, it is going to be tough from now until summer. Spring Break’s over. Snow days are hopefully over, unless your weather is really messed up (or you live in northern Canada and are reading this on you icePad or icePhone). Weekends, well, that’s barely even enough time to procrastinate from doing your English homework, let alone math and science homework.

So, in the interest of losing no readers this spring, I’ve compiled a list of tips scientifically proven to have no effect whatsoever on anything but what you might have for breakfast tomorrow morning (don’t ask me to explain; this gets complicated).

Get Enough Sleep

Sure, we’ve written about sleep a lot, but the fact of the matter is that if you actually need to read about sleep before you can sleep, you probably aren’t going to get enough sleep anyway. Real teens can sleep on command. The problem is that most teens decide they should be the ones commanding when to sleep, and, to put it nicely, most teens almost have the intelligence of an advanced kiwi (I’m sorry to say, in this instance, that I meant the fruit, not the bird).

Really, to get enough sleep, you need to just sleep. Whenever you feel tired, sleep, unless you’re in class. Doing homework? Sleep. Eating dinner? Sleep. Walking your dog? What do you think the answer is? (The answer is sleep. Unless, again, you live in Northern Canada, in which case falling asleep outside means you will get hypothermia and then freeze to death or get eaten by polar bears/penguins – I forget which one of those two is the species in the North).

Stay Nourished

We all know those procrastination marathons in the late weeks of May can be draining. However, don’t let your body get you down. To stay healthy, you need lots of vitamins and minerals, carbohydrates, proteins, subwaybohydrates, antiteins, and, of course, water.

You can get the vitamins and minerals from rocks in your back yard (we all know this from science class), and all the other stuff comes from fruit, I think. To get fruit, you just need to eat/drink anything with fruit pictured on the packaging, because big corporations don’t lie. So, soda, fruit snacks (this even has fruit in its name), fruit roll ups, and fruit-y cereals are all good choices. As for water, well, ice isn’t too hard to find (especially if you’re in northern…never mind).

Stay Motivated

At some point, you’ll be questioning why. It may be why you have so much work, why school is boring, or why I never shut up. Either way, you’ll be questioning why.

To motivate yourself, remind yourself of all the good things that happen once summer starts. Wear tank tops instead of raincoats. Heck, wear swimsuits and just swim to school in all the rain we’re getting. It’s almost as good as the beach.

Look for the May Flowers

I’ll bet you’ve heard the saying, “Spring showers bring May flowers,” but have you ever actually looked for the May flowers? Do you realize how much enjoyment you’re missing?

So, what you need to do is see if you can find enough time, between sleep and eating rocks, to get to the nearest natural, undeveloped beach. Then, walk along the beach looking out towards the horizon. According to my history textbook, which has only been wrong about two things so far*, a May flower is a large sailboat filled with grim pills and pure tan people.

*The first error being the line “I bet, at some point, you asked yourself: what caused the erosion of this small but important stretch of the French coastline?” and the other error being the next line, which was, “Well, here’s the fascinating explanation…”

While there may be other things you can do (such as exercise, or relaxing, or running down the street with a big banner flowing behind you that says “HIGH SCHOOL HUMOR BLOG IS THE GREATEST!”) to increase your chances of survival, I feel that these are the main important things. Although that may just be because I am so sleep deprived that my opinions currently change faster than teenage fashions.

One place to sleep, is, of course, on the bus, but there are many other fun and amusing things to do on the school bus. Such as…well, you’re going to have to read “Wonderful School Bus Rides” if you want to find out.

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