4 Ways to Make Your Phone 4 Times as Cool

A cool phoneCould you imagine a life without your phone? No mobile Facebook, no mobile browsing, no mobile listening to engaging offers articulated by foreign telemarketers on the best fridge to buy.  I certainly couldn’t image this, especially because I usually can’t say no to those salespeople (you should see my garage-it’s the “Museum of Low-Quality Telemarketing Fridges”).

But while your phone gives you an ability to do everything on the go, it also gives you status.  If you’ve got a flip phone from the 00s, then nobody, and I mean nobody, will take you seriously.  Heck, your technologically impaired cat will laugh at you and then resume talking to the neighbor’s cat on its Bluetooth (hands free means thumbs free).

However, if you’ve got a smart phone with a screen almost as large as some of the poisonous bacteria found in the Amazon, then you are certainly taken seriously. Don’t believe me? Now watch as I pull out my inifintyXiphondroid. That’s what I thought.

Your phone can increase your overall coolness dramatically, to the point where you are so cool that telemarketers start selling you (instead of fridges, also cold).  Want to make your phone make you even cooler, though? Read on.  (That was a ‘want to let me help your phone help you?’ for those who missed it.  Also seen frequently are the ‘let your phone help you help me’ and the ‘let me help your phone help fight cancer.’).

1). Contacts

It’s all about who you know, of course.  But when’s the last time somebody actually flipped through your contacts and then called somebody to see if their name matched up with your entry of them? Never, that’s when.

The simplicity is what makes this work: just enter some famous names into your phone with a random string of numbers.  If you need any help with this, well, I suppose it would be all right if I called Mr. Einstein and asked a favor for you.   I mean, I thought he was dead, but hey, his number’s in my phone.

2). Pictures

Your pictures are also a big part of what someone else might check on your phone.   They are usually looking to see that you have more than just a picture of the mold on your retainers.  Un-cool people have pictures of their pet dog.  Average people might have pictures of other people on their phone.  Cool people, of course, go above and beyond and have pictures of people being eaten by their dogs.

However, unless you live next to Michael Vick and own a politically informed Rottweiler, it may be hard to get those pictures of people being eaten by dogs (also it is illegal, so you didn’t hear this from me).  Instead, you can use something known as Photoshop to get these photos.  If you can’t afford Photoshop, some willing friends or a leftover Halloween dummy combined with some ketchup and a stuffed animal can also get the desired effect.

3). Apps

If your phone can’t take apps, then it certainly is not cool.  You might as well use your app-less phone to boil water (opposite of cool).  Since your phone likely does take apps, though, you need to know what apps to get.

Aside from the basics (Facebook, Words With Friends, and Pony Playland), you should have one or two apps that set you apart from the ‘un-cool’ people.  For instance, a cooking app or a stock exchange app would do the trick, especially if you know what either of those things is (cooking or the stock exchange).  Otherwise, a simple little app like the black screen app will suffice (you know, the cool app that you can get where it makes it so if you hit the lock button a black screen shows up.  Don’t try to tell me that comes with the phone-I know better).

4). Case

While this is not technically a part of your phone, it is a major aesthetic element.  An ‘un-cool’ case might be something functional, like a protective rubber bumper.  But like any high fashion, your case should not be functional or normal looking.

Instead, you need the least functional, most abstract looking case for your phone. For example, I personally use a case I constructed using only honey (as a glue) and eggshells.  Now, for some reason my phone has been stuck on the ‘black screen app’ since I started using this case, but it’s probably just a glitch.  Maybe my case needs more honey.

So, male or female, droid or iphone, intelligence of a flea or intelligence of lettuce (the only two teenage options), you now have 4 time-tested* powerful ways to make your phone 4 times as cool as it was before.  Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got to go answer the doorbell; I’m expecting the XG400 fridge today.

*Time-tested meaning tested by Time, the name of my goldfish.

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Comments

  1. My favorite line was, “Time-tested meaning tested by Time, my goldfish.” It made my day.

    • Thanks, Alicia. I’ll let Time know. It’s about Time that somebody mentioned that joke. (Ignore that last sentence, because it is just a bad pun).
      – Phil

  2. vilite246 says:

    Okay, I’m confused. You said 3, then 5, and finally 4 Time-tested strategies. Did I miss something?

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