4 Ways to Eat Your Halloween Candy

After 23 Pieces, it all looks the sameEven though you’re a teen, you probably figured out a way to gain candy this Halloween. As the old saying goes, “A person standing between a teen and his candy is trampled by the end of this sentence.”

Furthermore, since you’re a teen, you know that the immature tendency to consume all of your candy at once is a bad idea. If you do that, not only will you stay awake for six straight days, but you will also have used up all of your candy.

Finally, being a teen, you probably need some way to justify eating the candy, or at least an organized system to ensure that you aren’t left with the boring, nondescript candies at the end and no motivation to eat them. Remember, the goal is to eat all of the sugar in the best way possible. With that in mind, there are a few distinct ways to consume your Halloween candy.


Thanks to great leaps of innovation in the candy industry, there are now fifteen million different ways to consume sugar. Honestly, one is all you need, but variety is always a nice change.

Looking at your candy, you probably have the following categories: chewy, sour, crunchy, extra-sour, gummy, super-extra-sour, nutty, and toxically sour. Sort the candy first.

Then, strategically plan just how you want to consume your candy. For example, maybe you eat the chewy candy last, because you think that you’ll still need your teeth to consume the rest of the candy. Maybe you have the toxically sour candy before the super-extra-sour candy, making the super-extra-sour candy taste sweet instead. Or, maybe you eat one of every category, causing your tongue to explode. Figure out what your desired effect is and then plan accordingly.


If you don’t care about the consistency as much as the shape, then this option is for you. Just like the previous way, you are going to want to sort the candy by category: shaped like a person or animal, round, rectangular, cubic, and organic.

Next, you need to eat all of the human and animal shaped candy first. Primarily, this allows you to fully realize how cannibalistic society is becoming. Secondly, by eating all of the candy with legs first, you ensure that none of it will have time to escape.

After that, consider whether or not you care if the candy is round or square. It’s all the same sugar, artificial sweetener, and “natural” sweetener. You probably don’t, at which point, perhaps you’ll consider:


Size is a big deal when it comes to candy. The bigger the size, the greater the amount of sugar you can consume. To encourage people to give out larger candy next year, make sure that you mention that bigger candies have a lower wrapper plastic to candy amount ratio; as you know, everyone loves to be environmentally friendly.

But once you’ve got all of the candy, what you really need to consider is size and place. If you take a king size candy bar to school, you might be asked to share. Since it appears that you have so much chocolate, you’ll look selfish if you don’t share.

On the contrary, if you bring 50 or 60 fun-size candy bars and eat them throughout the day, people will never bother to ask: a fun-size candy bar is the equivalent of one bite. It’s called fun-size because it’s fun to open fifteen wrappers just to get three bites’ worth.


Flavor is, for some people, the most important factor of eating Halloween candy. Some will eat milk chocolate and not dark chocolate. Some people will eat strawberry candy, but not berry-strawberry. Others will eat super-toxically-deadly-sour but not sour. The list goes on and on.

Thanks to flavor science, you have the option of choosing amongst billions of possible flavors. Just amongst the fruit flavors, you’ve got strawberry, berry, cherry, tropical berry, mixed berry, blueberry, Rick Perry, raspberry, wild fairy, black cherry, Wizard Harry, boysenberry, twelve yard carry, and very berry flavored candy.

The trick with the flavors is to make sure that you don’t make any poor mixes. Don’t mix root beer candies with mints, or caramel candies with mints, or even fruit candies with mints. Actually, just don’t mix mints with anything save chocolate and you’ll be fine.

These are all semi-rational ways to consume your Halloween candy. Each has logic behind it, and each makes sense, at least to a sugar-high, sleep-deprived teen like yourself. Because of all that, I am positive that you will ignore every way.

But as long as you get enough sugar into your system per day so that you are bouncing off so many walls it looks like gravity has vanished, you’ll be fine. It’s not as if any one of these tips makes it any healthier to eat candy; it’s still just as likely to rot out your brain as ever. But you don’t use your brain anyway, so what do you care?

If candy isn’t your thing, maybe you’re more interested in “The 5 Types of Group Project Workers,” brought to you this time last year. Which type are you?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Additional Resources

Want more?

Like this post? Want more just like it? Have a strange rash on your arm that is slowly turning into an alien life form? Subscribe to get more-convenient and free (yes, that is even the solution to that last question).

Grab our Ebook!

Our ebook cover

Want more hilarious content? Get our ebook! It's 5,500+ words with 19 exclusive pictures. You can pick up your copy on our ebook page.

Grab the Badge!

my badgeIf you want to share this blog with your readers, you can copy and paste the html code below.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: