4 Ways to Start Your Summer Homework

A Funny Pie ChartIt is now August.  Do you know what that means? That means we only have about ONE MONTH until (I won’t even say the word here) $*#%@! starts.  On the bright side, though, the world is supposed to end sometime in 2012, so at least we’re getting closer to that. It’ll be good to have that over with; I hear it is stressing some people out.

What should be stressing people out is that, for all that wonderful and somehow educational summer homework, you only have ONE MONTH to get it done.  Now, this could be stressful, if you were planning on doing it.  But, thanks to me (and Wikipedia, Google, the Cut-and-Paste Function, and other technology outlawed during the $*#%@! year) you don’t have to worry.

I figured that I’m experienced enough, this being my second summer of homework, to know what the teachers expect. I’m assuming your teachers expect the same, except in D.C., where you are supposed to find a friend and lobby both sides of the same issue in the street.

(I’d recommend the budget, the pencil industry, or left-handed tennis players. I suppose that the budget isn’t a real issue, but I do want to see some signs saying things like, “Arguing won’t Budge-it!” and “Stop funding the Hit-it-Here signs at the HR Derby!”)

Regardless of the assignment, the fact that you haven’t started yet is not only making you stressed; it’s also worrying me.  So, in order to give you a little shove in the right direction, I’ve included some brilliant opening lines for whatever your homework may be:

English

“You say yes, I say no, You say goodbye, I say Hellloooooo…(Oooooh…)” are the lyric’s to Donizetti’s first opera (you don’t recognize them because it’s in Italian).  Just as these are opposites, so too are the characters Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of William Shakespeare’s “Of Mice and Men.”  When more closely examined….

Math

If, as the problem tells, both trains are headed towards each other at 54 mph and 45 mph, respectively, then shouldn’t one of them stop trying to figure out when they’ll crash and start trying to stop the train? Regardless, there is not enough information to do this problem, because I don’t know if a nearby movie is filming (thus, the bridge will be destroyed and impassable).  I suppose if you squared the…

Science

Do you want to learn about science and space exploration? Don’t read this if you already know anything, because it is so genius that it conflicts with anything you’ve already learned (and conflicts logic).  I think it is good that we are going to explore Jupiter, because some people might have fallen off of Earth and need help.  According to NASA…

Social Studies

The politics in the world are currently as messy as my dog after a bath (we all know dogs roll in mud immediately after a bath).  It appears that Italy was going to borrow some money from Greece, but they were out, so they have now rented the Vatican out to the Syrians.  Coincidently, the Syrians are unhappy with being forced to pay the rental (Assad was told that he was signing something that would make him a “moderate”) so they are taking their anger out on themselves…

I sincerely hope that you don’t have to use these.  However, if you leave a large essay off until the very last night, I recommend that you simply take all four.  With any luck, your teacher won’t read them until April 1st.

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Comments

  1. Okay, this blog is so funny :)
    You guys write really well & I really enjoy reading the blog.
    Check out mine ?
    – Laura

    • Thanks for the compliment, Laura. I did take a look at your blog, and I have to say that boarding school must be a totally different experience than the day-high school I attend and blog about.
      – Phil

  2. Readers: I’m not really sure what that below site is (yes, I know it’s a link), and I have no idea what the website is supposed to be for (topic-wise).
    – Phil

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