4 Winter Styles to Keep You Warm

Liar liar pants on fireWhen it comes to fashion advice, we all know that the only authority better than a teen boy is a poodle. Since poodles are terrible communicators, though, most people just listen to teen boys.

As a teenager myself, it would simply be unfair to keep all of the good fashion knowledge secret. Especially the brilliant winter fashion we come up with.

Winter fashion is unique due to its two distinct schools of thought. The first is that there is no such thing as winter fashion; you might as well wear your basketball shorts, short shorts, short-short shorts, and invisible shorts regardless of the outdoor temperatures. The second thought is that you should wear something that looks like you wrapped a bedspread around yourself, so that you can stay warm.

Clearly, there are downsides to each course of action. You can look great, until you have to amputate a leg due to frostbite, or you can feel great, and look like an obese grizzly bear. Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to both look and feel great.

Set Your Shorts on Fire

Shorts allow you mobility, fashion, and fashionable mobility. Sadly, they expose your knees down (in guys’ case) or your nose down (in girls’ case) to the wild temperatures of winter.

But, if you set your shorts on fire, they will actually keep you warm! Obviously, however, you need to wear fireproof underwear and spray flame-retardant on your legs to stay safe*.

All of a sudden, you’ve taken shorts and made them even cooler, or shall I say hotter. As you’ve probably witnessed in your chemistry class, teens have a fascination with fire that springs from a combination of stupidity and an absence of intelligence (stupidity). Thus, if you liked how shorts looked, you’ll go crazy over just how cool burning shorts look.

*This might not be enough to keep you safe. As a general rule, it is often unwise to set clothes on fire, especially if you’re the one wearing them. I’m telling you this because I know that you, just like any other sane teen, paused for a bit and actually considered trying this.

Wear Ear Muffs

I honestly can’t say what happened to the earmuffs; they appear to be a fashion creation that was never in style. The history of earmuffs seems to go straight from the “concept” stage to the “outdated dorky phase,” entirely skipping the “stupid, but new and cool accessory” phase that carried the popularity of things like sillybands, powdered wigs, and neck ruffs.

Regardless, earmuffs are supposedly very good at keeping your ears warm. Thus, the only thing you need to do to make them fashionable is disguise them. The best idea is to draw your choice headphones’ logo on the outside. Then, if anyone asks you about them, just tell him that you’ve got the new “shag-carpet” model, and that you would offer them a listen but the bass sounds so intense that you don’t want to stop listening yourself.

Live Sheep Shoes

Girls have a slight advantage in the feet department, because it is already fashionable to wear “Uggs” boots lined with sheepskin. Even as an expert on fashion, I can’t tell you why the company decided on that name, because when you see something that looks horrible most people exclaim, “Ugh! That is so Ug-ly.” Nevertheless, they seem to be here to stay, at least for longer than the whole “rubber boots with large unattractive handles for putting them on” fad.

Teen boys, however, don’t have the ability to wear sheepskin or wool footwear, unless Nike decides to scrap the futuristic “lunarlon” material and go back to stones and animal furs. The only option, then, is to buy some live sheep.

Now, don’t worry. I’m not about to tell you to mercilessly butcher some mammals. No, all you really need to do is sew one sock on the top of each of your two sheep. Next, just slip your feet into the socks. You won’t even have to move your legs, because it’s basically like riding two sheep. The best part is that not only will you have the added warmth of the sheep bodies, but that you will also never get your feet wet stepping in puddles again.

Aluminum Foil Gloves

The cruelest reality of winter is that your body produces more than enough heat to keep you warm. Nature, however, absorbs all of that heat unless you wear clothes. Thankfully, aluminum foil is terrific at reflecting warmth, so if you want some warm, cheap, and, most importantly, stylish gloves, just make yourself a pair out of aluminum foil.

Don’t whine about how aluminum foil can be sharp, or about how you tried to throw your gloves away after lunch. You’ve got style and warmth. Besides, now your hands can double as solar ovens or Tupperware covers. Plus, you can wear these gloves when you feed your sheep, to avoid getting bitten.

Hopefully you’ve taken something away from this highly futuristic, highly fashionable, and highly secret list of winter wear advice. Even if you only leave this post with a singed pair of shorts, at least you’ve learned just how dangerous high fashion can be. Now, I’d love to continue to discuss warm winter clothing options, but I’ve got to go sew myself a neck ruff, ‘cause nobody uses a scarf anymore.

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