5 Authentic Ways to Ask for Gum

If you are a high school student reading this, your first reaction was similar to a dog hearing the word ‘squirrel’.  If you are an adult reading this, let me explain something to you.  When someone has gum at high school, the person next to them wants gum.  And so on.  It is a massive chain reaction happening faster than a lawyer can lie to a politician’s hot air (this was originally two different jokes that crashed on highway 5 of my brain).

Although I have no experience in this area, I would have to assume gum to teenagers is like money to normal people.

There are a few problems with using gum, but only one of them is important.  That is the fact that I’m sure that the production of gum somehow kills a rare form of endangered beetles that are lobbied for by a small but powerful group of people, all of whom will be angry that you bought gum.  However, if you are mooching the gum, you’re good to go.
In fact, to further add to this problem, I have compiled a list of the best ways to ask for gum.
  • “Please give me gum…or else I will sic my fish on you.”  This is the most compelling way to ask I could come up with.  A polite ‘please’ and a subtle threat, all in one.
  • “Just this once…I’ll never ask again.”  This works only six to ten times, depending on the IQ of the teen with gum.
  • “DUDE, YOU HAVE GUM?!?” This ensures that even if you don’t get any yourself, the person with gum must share with those within earshot.
  • “Are you against child slave labor? Wow, so am I. Who would have guessed?  How ‘bout some gum for your human rights buddy?”
  • “Yo, hit me wit some o’ dat gum, bro”.  Obviously, you are cool enough to deserve gum.
Feel free to adapt for the workplace, if you are so ruthless (if you are reading this blog and find it funny, then you fit that definition).  However, don’t expect my sympathy when you get pegged with ‘excessive mooching’ and a federal fine up to $250,000.
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