5 Phone Apps for Teens that Someone Needs to Make

the gum locator appSmartphones. Where would we be without them? I’ll tell you where I’d be: I’d be in the middle of a country back road in a car, utterly lost and starving to death. My stomach would be slowly digesting itself and I would be feverish, delirious, and hallucinatory from lack of water. And worst of all, I’d have no idea what my friends were saying on Facebook.

After all, our phones can do a lot of things. They are calculators, maps, games, news headlines, and, most importantly, teen status symbols. However, there are some vital functions that our phones have yet to acquire.

Obviously, our phones will never be able to talk to us. Oh, wait, sorry, I forgot about SIRI. What I mean is, our phones will never be able to understand us as humans. Except for every music app that suggests songs for your tastes. Okay, look, our phones will NEVER be able to never drop calls.

Since technology is advancing at such a fast rate, though, I figure that all I need to do is mention some new advancement and then try to have the patience to wait for a few milliseconds until it is invented.

With that in mind, here are 5 Apps that someone, possibly you, but probably not, more likely your friend, but still not that likely, or maybe your school nerd, slightly more likely, or a programmer, very likely, or Google, 1,000% likely, needs to make.

1. Bad Song Eliminator

Our phones are already genius when it comes to music (pun for those of you who catch it. If you don’t, either accept that you are inadequate or go here). But we all have songs we hate, whether it’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “Baby,” or “Fruit Salad.” Even worse, though, is the fact that because the gray thing impersonating our brain during our teen years hates us, the song will instantly be stuck in your head. This means you will be unable to function for the next hour or so, as you can’t do anything but sing the song you hate. Leading to many awkward situations, such as:

Police Officer: Did you know you were weaving in and out of lanes 20 miles over the speed limit?

You: Well, uh…Fruit salad! Yummy, yummy!

And this is why our smartphones need to be able to not only predict when a song we dislike is coming on, but also stop us from hearing it. Whether that entails emitting noise-silencing waves, blasting our own music louder, or extending a little rocket launcher from the camera lens and completely obliterating the offending radio/friend’s iPod/stereo system/street musician, this is one app we all need.

2. Gum Sensor

We all know what the problem is: we don’t have enough gum. It doesn’t matter if we have so much gum in our mouth that we can’t breath; we still don’t have enough gum. Also, that’s why we have noses.

The science in this one is simple. Just take a teen brain and stuff it inside the smartphone (it’ll fit, with room to spare). Then, just give the phone x-ray vision, an enhanced sense of smell, and supersonic hearing. It will thus be impossible for anyone to conceal opening gum, buying gum, chewing gum, getting out gum, throwing gum, and all-around enjoying gum without you noticing. After that, just ask them for some.

3. Homework Excuse Voicemail Imitator

Sure, you’ve got a few perfected homework excuses that rarely fail. But why risk it? Wouldn’t it be so much better if you had a voicemail from your parents? For example:

“Hi, this is your mom/dad. I’m just calling to let you know that I took your dog to the vet this morning and after extensive surgery, he is now fine. In case you’re interested, although I doubt this is an important detail, the problem was that your 5,000 word essay on the humanity of Odysseus was clogging his small intestine, big intestine, throat, mouth, nose, and appendix. Oh, they also removed his appendix, because apparently dogs aren’t supposed to have those. Call me back when you get home.”

Or:

“Hey, son/daughter, just so you know, the insurance people came and offered to pay for all the damage that the fire, which was caused by the short-circuiting of the wireless part of the wireless remote for the TV. Sadly, it looks like we will be unable to salvage the science experiment that you’ve been working on since four months before you were a fetus. Call me back when you get a chance, please.”

Essentially, this app would come with an endless supply of perfect voicemail messages just like these, and would even act like your voicemail. If your teacher tried to call the number back, it would go to a pre-recorded message saying that the phone was unavailable.

4. Book Summarizer

We’ve all been in that terrible situation where our teacher decides to assign 300 pages of reading due the next day. Most of us won’t read it. The rest of us will read the first and 300th pages and make up our own versions of what happens in-between. But what if your phone could read it and then summarize it for you?

Now, I’m not talking about the sparknotes or shmoop quality of summaries. I mean a valuable, in-depth summary that is shorter than 5 words, that also incorporates all elements of symbolism and literary devices. Additionally, it would include the page number and position on the page of where to place sticky notes, so that you can make it look like you really read. Furthermore, this would work on all texts, from your English novel to your chemistry book.

Of all these apps, this is the one that I would be willing to give my three smallest toes for*.

*That is an exaggeration for comic value. (I’m throwing in this disclaimer so that no one will invent this and then show up at my house with a knife and jar of toes. Please, I’d rather have another visit from some Jehovah Witnesses).

5. Irrational Anxiety Fixer

One fun part of having a brain that works hard to destroy you emotionally, physically, and mentally as a teenager is that it is constantly making you doubt yourself. For instance, is your pencil really #2 pencil? What if your SAT results are cancelled?

Or, what if you changed your clocks the wrong way for daylight savings time? What if you turned your clock so far backwards in time that you get eaten by a velociraptor on the way to school?

Sometimes, a friend will reassure us. “Don’t be crazy,” they’d say, “A velociraptor? Really? OH MY GOD DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU!”

But, as you can see, it is more likely that a friend (if they are a true friend) will simply make fun of us. Therefore, we should be able to turn to our phone. At the touch of a screen, it should read us calming statements, read by calming people like the AllState insurance guy, such as: “Don’t worry. Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than having to make a living selling insurance to people over the TV.”

And now, as it so usually happens at the end of posts, it is time for a conclusion. There isn’t much to say, because it’s not as if I have some profound theme I am going to touch upon, like “Those who want what they don’t have don’t have what they want if they don’t want what they have or don’t have what they wanted to not have.”

Huh. That’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. I think I’ll stop there.

(Please ignore the deep theme. It does not belong on this blog and is a result of too many English classes).

On a lighter note, are there any apps that you think belong on this list?

Also, just a reminder: we’d really love it if you’d like our Facebook page. And a big thanks to those who have already done so or are about to do so.

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