5 Places that You Need to See, Eventually

Ways to travelFor some odd reason, people enjoy reading books such as “100 Places to See Before You Die,” “1,000 Places to See Before You Die,” and “How to live for 80,000 years so you can do all that stuff.” I, on the other hand, find those travel books very unappealing.

We all know that the title states “Before You Die” not because the writers assume you will naturally die at some point. It is because you are bound to be killed by malaria, by head trauma after falling down a steep mountain slope, or by the Loch-Ness monster as you try to visit every destination in the book.

But let’s stop talking about death and move onto some sarcastic humor (yes, I’ll be straightforward about the humor. Unless, of course, you’d like me to substitute some random word for ‘sarcastic humor’ every time I use it. In that case, let’s move onto some waffles).

As of about five minutes ago, I, Ted, am a self-declared travel writer. Therefore, I have compiled an enormous list of places to visit. Since most people do not like the time-restraint of death, I do NOT require that you visit these places before you die.

Additionally, my destinations are intended for teenagers, immature adults (who act like teenagers), or immature toddlers (who also act like teenagers). Thus, I present to you “5 Places to See Sometime if You Get the Chance – For Teenagers!”

 1). The Grand Canyon

 This quaint, stunning destination is one of the most fascinating geological features in the world. While its towering cliffs are beautiful and breath-taking, do not underestimate the canyon’s functionality.

For teenagers, a great thing to do at the Grand Canyon is to drop your cell phone down thousands of feet to the Colorado River below!

The reason for this act of phone-dropping is obvious. Say, you have the iPhone 3G, but you’re getting tired of it. Well, if you ‘accidentally’ drop your phone down the Grand Canyon, you may receive the new iPhone 17Q.

Be careful, though; some iPhones are known to amazingly propel back up to the top of the canyon because, according to Apple, “there’s an app for that.”

 2). The Great Wall of China

 It is said that the Great Wall of China, one of the greatest feats of all mankind, can be viewed from space (this is not actually true, but let’s forget about that and move on).

Since the 2012 apocalypse is nearing, it is a wise decision to go visit this destination. Of course, the aliens with spaceships are watching the Great Wall at all times (well, except for the other aliens who are watching US Congress for some comic relief).

Therefore, I suggest you put on some nice clothes and bring a sign that says, “Hey aliens, rescue me before the apocalypse!” Any alien in his/her/its right mind would immediately send down the spaceship to rescue a desperate teenager stuck on planet earth. That is why the Great Wall of China is a fantastic destination that you need to visit.

 3). The Empire State Building

For many years, the Empire State Building has been a well-known icon of the New York skyline. But more notable than the building itself is the famous “Murderous Penny Theory.”

This theory, equal in importance to Newton’s Laws of Motion, states that if a penny is dropped off the top of Empire State Building, it could kill a pedestrian on the sidewalk below.

Hypothesized mostly by world-renowned physicists (4th graders in science class), the theory is still of utmost importance to many high school students; it is about time someone tests the theory.

I personally suggest the same experiment should also be conducted with different items, including live chickens (who says chickens can’t fly?), those thank-you notes you were supposed to send out after your 10th birthday, those little parachute men, and US national debt (the heaviest thing possible).

After your visit to the Empire State Building, I predict that your next destination to visit will be Guantanamo Bay Prison.

 4). The Amazon Rainforest

 The largest rainforest in the world (at least for now), the Amazon Rainforest is host to millions of amazing plant and animal species. Additionally, it is most likely the source of all the homework you have ever received in your life.

Using simple logic, I have deduced that teenagers do not like homework, and less paper = less homework.

Therefore, when you visit the rainforest, a great thing to do would be to prevent deforestation for paper production. One way to prevent deforestation is to tie yourself to a tree, but what if a picture of that got on Facebook? That’d be sooo embarrassing.

The other way to prevent paper-production is just to burn down the whole forest. I guess you could still call this deforestation, but you can’t make paper from ashes, so it is definitely the better option. Upon burning down the Amazon Rainforest, you may face some legal and environmental issues, but it’s completely worth it.

 5). Outside your House

According to the magical land of stereotypes, many teenagers are mindless zombies that stay inside their houses with their eyes glued to television screens as they play Xbox games in which they, coincidentally, kill zombies.

If this is true, and you really have been infected by a malicious virus known as “Call of Duty: Black Ops”, then a great place to see would be the outside of your house.

At this fascinating destination, there are mystical things such as jobs, financial crises, and a great ball of fire called the sun. I really hope you check it out someday.

Readers: That ebook I mentioned is still in the works, but it is coming along nicely.  If all goes well, it may be in stores (or, at least our blog) near you by this weekend.  Best of all, I am glad to announce that it will be completely free; it will cost you no money whatsoever.  That’s good for both you and me, because, after all, who can trust teens with money these days? Actually, who can trust teens with anything these days, aside from one of those indestructible rubber “Kong” toys that you find at a pet store? – Phil

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Comments

  1. Phil,

    funny as usual. but, was that really sarcastic humor? or was that “waffle” as you said? btw, i heard, some of those aliens are reading ur blog too (um, not me, really)

    as a teen (in the past 25 years) , looking fwd to read ur first ebook

    bala…

    • Bala,
      Thanks for the compliment, but that was actually Ted’s post (look at the category on the comments. Sorry that wasn’t too clear. I’ll work on that. -Phil

      Bala,

      Well, it’s all waflles here. There’s no ‘sarcastic humor’ (whatever
      that is) as far as I know. And yes, a major part of our audience is
      from outer space. The only problem is that we have to bring a computer
      to the Great Wall of China after every post, because aliens aren’t
      online yet. Guess they aren’t as technologically advanced as we
      thought.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you enjoyed the waffles.

      -Ted

      • Sorry Ted,

        I thought u might be busy testing “Murderous Penny Theory”, and i also heard they don’t have computers and Internet in Guantanamo Bay Prison, so, i was forced to address that to Phil. My bad.

        Ted, Phil,

        I would like to see more humor posts, without much imagination, making fun of, current trend on something, events, and of course, which is related to teen. Not sure how to tell that clearly. I assume that you’ve got what I mean.

        bala…

        • Bala,

          I’m pretty sure I understand what it is you are asking for. I’m happy to say that (in my opinion), I think that we’ve included both ‘imaginative’ type humor and observational humor in the upcoming ebook, so I think that you’ll find something you like inside of it.

          Regardless, I will certainly take your request into account when writing future posts.

          Thanks for the feedback,
          Phil

          • Phil,

            yeah, exactly, the observational humor. the last post about braces had a lot of that humor.

            bala…

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