5 Reasons to Stress about 1 Word (Finals)

Finals TestGive me an F! Give me an I! Give me a Nals! What does that spell! No, seriously, what does that spell? You’ve got an F, an I, and a Nals; that spells “is flan,” right? That’s the dessert that looks like plain yogurt but tastes better than gum, I think.

Actually, it spells Finals. AAAAAAAHHHHH! Sorry, that was an involuntary reaction to the word “fina-“ AAAAHHHH! Hold on one second…okay, sorry, that was an involuntary reaction to the word(s) “Rowndiau Terfynol” (Welsh).  Oh, good, problem solved.

“Rowndiau Terfynol,” or RT for short, are incredibly stressful.  You know this.  I know this.   I’m sure that at one point, even the teachers knew this (although they forgot in a forced process of memory regression during teaching school, using electroshock therapy.  I mean, after what you’ve been through in high school so far, could you live with yourself as a person knowing that you’d just ruined the valuable procrastination time of your students by assigning, well, anything that takes more time to complete than 1+0?).

RT are so stressful that they produce an involuntary nervous reaction from myself, even when I am writing.  I bet the same happens to you when RT is mentioned, along with dizzyness, headache, shortened breathing, increased heartrate, nausea, and seeing everything around you, not just movies, in 3-D (in severe instances). Watch: Finals.  AAAAHHHHH! [Pause] (I’ll wait for your heart to get back in your chest from your neighbor’s yard before moving on).

The question, then, is where does the stress come from? In many instances, unless the final is more than 25% of your overall grade, the impact/change RT will have will be minimal (unless you have a borderline grade). Well…

You Could Choke

No, I don’t mean choke, as in blockage of your windpipe leading to suffocation.  You should worry about that at least every other day, not just RT week.  No, I’m talking about messing up to an extreme degree.  What if, for some reason, you got an impossibly low grade, like a 12%? That would affect even non-borderline grades. What if you accidentally fill in all of the wrong answers? What if your brain wakes up and decides to work only in French?

You Could Bore Yourself to Death

This is very real, and it accounts for many deaths in the lawer’s-really-small-print-writing industry.  What if your finals were going along fine, but then, due to having to answer six consecutive questions about the biodiversity of the average Florida swamp alligator population, you keel over, dead at your desk? Nobody would probably notice, as they’d all be absorbed in their own tests, or possibly also dead from boredom.  The teacher would just assume you’d fallen asleep, and, when he realized that you were no longer amongst the ‘biodiverse’ living, would feed you to his pet alligator.

You Could Get Subjects Mixed Up

You studied a ton for these tests, not only re-reading every passage in all 7 of your various textbooks but also by emailing the authors about finding even more information. But what if you’ve studied too much? What if you are asked a question about the US Constitution, and you try to take the sine and cosine of the Constitution? Anything’s possible, of course; I mean, we’ve managed to put a man on the moon, for crying out loud (bonus: does anyone know if he came back, or if he is still up there, being full-body searched by the TSA before he can get on his rocket back to Earth?)

You Could Experience Technical Difficulties

By technical difficulties, I mean pencil problems.  With today’s advanced consumer-electronics-style pencil industry, a billion to a billion-trillion things can go wrong.  You could run out of lead for a mechanical pencil.

Your lead could break, and the pencil sharpener doesn’t work. Your pencil might not be #2 (for scanned multiple-choice forms). Your pencil could get nervous and forget how to write under the high-pressure of RT. Your pencil’s lifetime warranty could expire, and you (stupidly) didn’t buy the $300 extended protection program. You could forget a pencil, and have to write using the various substances present in your lunchbox.  Literally billions of things-I’m not kidding.

You Could Forget to Look where You Walk

Since it’s TR week, you need to study as much as possible for as long as possible.  This means that many intelligent teens, yourself probably included, walk the halls between classes with their head in a textbook or study-guide. This means that you aren’t watching where you step.  This is just asking for something bad to happen.

What if you walked into somebody else? Awkward, of course.  What if you fell down a flight of stairs? What if you walked right out a window? Forgot to stop at your classroom and walked all the way to hostile territory in Iran or Syria? Sure, these things are bad, but we all know the biggest, and most prominent danger of forgetting to watch where you step: you could step in the dog-doo that magically appears if you take your eyes from in front of you for even three seconds.

That, dear readers, right there is five, and just five, of the million reasons for stress during TR week.  But you won’t go back and re-count them, checking to see if there are really are 5, of course, so I could tell you that I really included all million reasons. You’d just have to take my word for it, because you are too busy studying for finals-AAAAAAHHHHHH!-I mean, studying for Rowndiau Terfynol.

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Comments

  1. Oh wow. Thank you for reminding me I still have to take finals. .____. Because at this VERY moment (Well, this week really) I’m taking my midterms which are like finals. Except in the middle of the year. And THEN I have finals after that in like, May. SO MANY EXAMS I’M GOING TO GO INSANE. And also. I’m supposed to be studying for my Biology and History midterm which is tomorrow. but I’m not because I just HAD TO check this blog.
    And haha. By the way every time I read “RT” I thought of RT like, retweeting something on Twitter and it just made me laugh a little.
    Okay I’ll stop. Awesome post! Stressifying. :)

    • Wait, did you just thank me for reminding you that you still had to take…that-which-must-not-be-named? Your stress must have made you crazy. I’m glad that you found this entertaining. And yeah, I wrote this post more because of midterms and less because I thought “Hey! I should write about ——s before they happen and stress everyone out in the middle of the year!”

  2. burstoutinsong!!! says:

    thankfully i took my *cough* finals *cough* before christmas break so im done til May….also are you planning on doing a valentine’s day post? i could really use a guide to surviving v day! (this holiday lends itself to all sorts of awkwardness and obligations!)
    ~Abbey

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