The 5 Types of Morning Teenagers

Alarm Clock

No, it says early (erly), not EAL4

You probably have trouble waking up.  If you don’t, I ask that you lie for the sake of my credibility.  Having talked to a few people at school (note: 17 people, in an attempt to disprove the hypothesis that all bloggers are anti-social monsters who have no regards for personal hygiene), I’ve noticed a few distinct trends.

It appears that you either love the mornings or hate the mornings. Those who are in-between were tossed into (fittingly) something in-between a cage and a straitjacket (because if you can’t make up your mind about something simple, who knows where these crazy maniacs stand on important things like healthcare, abortion, or matching socks).

The Hater

We all know one of these.  They wake up, swear crudely and graphically at their alarm clock (“Gee Whilikers, it’s so gosh-dang early!  Jiminy Cricket, clock, why’d you get me up so son-of-a-gun early!  I’ll take your family of clocks and…”), engage in random acts of violence, and leave a trail of destruction in their wake.  Breakfast is usually normal, but if you talk to them about it they generally give the impression that it was some sort of hardware (Honey Nuts ‘n’ Bolts or Frosted Nails are some common choices).

The Modest Liar

This person lies, but, on top of it, they are modest.  If you say you’re tired because you got six hours of sleep, they’ll mention that they only got three, “but I am still able to use one of my two kidneys”.  If you skipped breakfast, they haven’t eaten for five days, aside from the odd brussel sprout, “but my weight has stayed the same”.  If you overslept, it turns out that they are still asleep, and you are hallucinating, “but that’s no big deal, everyone hallucinates.”

The Productive Person

Everybody hates them except for other productive people.  They are the ones who are up before you went to sleep.  Often, their accomplishments in the morning before school include cooking a seven-course breakfast, running a marathon, and inventing the cure for cancer.  Note: When coupled with a Modest Liar, the Productive Person often drives themselves to extinction in an attempt to out-do the liar (“but everyone drives themselves to extinction sometimes”).

The Over-Sleeper

This person doesn’t wake up, ever.  They are asleep during most of their functions of the morning, up until school actually starts.  It is not known how they arrive at school, but they are always in the classroom asleep by the time you arrive.  It is assumed that these people are such diligent workers that they need all of the sleep they can get.

The No-Sleeper

For these people, morning is just another hour.  They don’t sleep on weekdays, instead putting that time to more valuable activities such as procrastination and electronic entertainment.  They eat when hungry, and are currently evolving into a new species of ape.

There you are: the five morning people.  Which are you? Which are your friends? Don’t you hate stupid questions at the end of entertaining writing?  I do, so I’ll stop.  If you’ll excuse me, I must go fix my clock for Daylight Saving Time (I refused to this morning so I could still pretend I got lots of sleep).

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  1. vilite246 says:

    I’m one of the those people who lay in bed for hours, awake, and then fall asleep at 4 AM. I sleep until 5:30 and then I have to wake up. Hmm…my mom says I chew like a bovine and have no regards for manners. Like an ape. I’m probably a crossbreed of a no sleeper and modest liar. That makes a murderer who’s also an ape. You know, because modest liars kill productive sleepers.

    • Thanks for the warning. If I see a tired ape walking down the street, I’ll heighten my alertness. And then, if I ask the ape about the weather, and I receive a lie, I’ll know to run away before I get murdered.

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