5 Ways to Avoid Being Caught with Gum

Caught GumMost teachers allow gum in the classroom, because they realize that they will have a rebellion on their hands if they don’t.  However, for those teachers who do outlaw this life-giving substance, you need to know how to avoid their wrath.  Therefore, I’ve compiled a list, after extensive research (read: I asked my pet dog), of the best ways to avoid being caught with gum.

1). The coughing fit.

When a teacher asks if you are chewing gum, violently start coughing.  Really get into it.  Cough as if you are trying to get your lungs to come out of your throat so you can whack the teacher with them. Then bring your hand to your mouth and spit the gum out into your hand.  When the teacher finishes her inspection, start coughing again, slipping your gum back into your mouth.  Finally, when the teacher sends you to the nurse’s office, tell her that you are fine; you simply had an allergic reaction to the homework assignment.

2). The false tooth.

This involves a massive budget and a few surgeries, but is simply perfect and undiscoverable (no one has though of it until myself, I believe).  Have an experienced (note: experienced) dentist hollow out a tooth and place gum in the newly created hollow.  Move it there with your tongue when the teacher inspects the class, where it will be hidden.

3). The distraction.

Everyone is happy with this method.  All you must do is pass gum out to everyone in your class.  The teacher will be too busy disciplining them to punish you.  The students are happy because they get gum, you are happy because you don’t get caught, and the teacher is happy because she can finally prosecute somebody (most teachers wanted to be lawyers, originally).

4). The soliloquy/monologue.

Again, this method banks on the idea of distraction.  When the teacher asks if you are chewing gum, stand up, walk to the front of the room, and break into a long, symbolic, monologue/soliloquy of Shakespeare’s.  First the teacher will be surprised, then they will be impressed, halfway through they’ll become bored, and by the end of it, the teacher will be asleep (the rest of the class, needless to say, fell asleep around when the teacher became impressed).

5).  Tetanus (aka ‘Lockjaw’).

Tell your teacher, at the beginning of class, that you stepped on one of the many prominent sharp and rusty nails in the hallway, and that you are worried you could get tetanus (explain that a puncture wound doesn’t leave much of a mark).  Therefore, you must keep your jaw moving throughout the class, not because you have gum, but because you don’t want it to lock up.

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Comments

  1. Hey guys – GREAT BLOG. I'm loving it! I'm in college, so I never have to avoid getting caught with gum. Avoiding getting called on? Now that's a different story. Sorry for plugging a link on the first comment! But I think you guys could really use the Guide. I wish I would have had it in high school!

  2. Thanks for the feedback (and, yes, the link). Your post gave some good advice. Do college students have the same obsession with gum that us high schoolers do?

    - Phil

  3. The monologue is definitely unique and the distraction will always work… Thanks for the heads up! –A teacher who doesn't care if you chew gum or not… just don't put it under the desks…but then again… I'll just ask students to move them.

  4. Oh no! A teacher discovered my blog. Now all the advice will known by the teachers! Just kidding. Thanks for commenting.

    - Phil

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