A Better Set of Kick Me Signs

kick me signNow that you’ve settled in with the whole “back to school” routine, you know with whom it is safe to pull pranks on.  Namely, you can determine this by asking yourself one simple question: can they bench press a school bus? If so, avoid them, unless you drive an 18-wheel truck that can go from 0-30 faster than that person can run.

Or, if you’ve already got a prank in mind, consider this: if they kill you, was the look on their face worth it?

Regardless, the point here is clearly that it is time somebody started making school days a little more interesting, by way of harmless pranks*.

*Note: for legal purposes, I did not just tell you to pull pranks.  In fact, if you look again, I’m sure that you’re just hallucinating, as I actually wrote, “…school days a little more interesting, by way of farm-fresh franks”.

There are a lot of good pranks, to be sure, especially in those states with more lenient juvenile systems, but the easiest and most well-known prank is known scientifically as, “What the [bad word] did you just put on my back?”

The answer is a “Kick me” sign, which was invented by some brilliant philosopher in the Renaissance period.  The thinking is that if somebody wanted to be kicked, they would put a sign on their back, and in no way would anyone be at all suspicious of the fact that the victim felt the need to write “kick me” on their back.  Aside from the fact that most people would never in a million years do this willingly unless they were faced with writing “kick me” or attending “Bieber on Ice.”

So, then, it’s pretty obvious that all kick me signs are pranks (which doesn’t stop any sensible teen from kicking the kid anyway).  To fix this, there are some other messages you can write instead.

But first, of course, you need to be able to land the sign on their back.  The old, outdated method is the, “Hey, buddy! What’s up, man?” while you pat them on the back (sticking on the sign).  Unless you are someone who naturally pats everyone you meet on the back, this won’t work (and in that case, nobody would allow you to get close anyways).

This means you have two options.  You can ‘bump’ into somebody (difficult and requires skills) or you can use the stealth method.  Stealth-wise, you just need to wait until the victim is distracted and then sneak up and say, “Hey, buddy! What’s up?” while patting them on the back, because we all know they would hear/feel it otherwise and that, being a teen (probably a teen boy, if you’re pulling pranks), there is no way you can possibly be stealthy.

If you can successfully land a sign on their back, then you need to start worrying about the message.  Here are some great ones I’d love to see around the halls.

  • Advertise Here! 555-555-5555
  • I forgot to wear deodorant today, so the US department of health and human services made me wear this sign preemptively.
  • Out for self-preservation.  The brain will be back in office in 7 years.
  • Ask me about reduced rates.
  • Designated Teen Driver for Hire: .00004 times safer than driving drunk.
  • Have you seen this man [picture of person with sign on their back]? Reward $25,000

These are just some terrific examples, but I’m sure you could come up with some brilliant ideas yourself.

That means the only thing you really need to worry about, now that you’ve got message and technique down, is revenge. After all, it isn’t hard for the victim to figure out who placed the sign on them in the first place, because you are usually following them around laughing.

The quick solution is so obvious that you’ll probably slap yourself in the face when you read it: layers. SLAP! (It was so obvious that even I couldn’t resist slapping myself in the face in self disappointment).  All you need to do is wear the same number of layers to school as the number of minutes you spend in the hall (the average student spends around an hour in the halls/at lunch each day, so sixty layers ought to cover it).

Then (and here’s the simple yet brilliant part-maybe even worthy of another slap), you simply remove a layer every minute.  You might need to rip each coat/sweatshirt or enlist a friend’s help, because at the beginning of the day you’ll be too delirious with heatstroke to manipulate your hands on a zipper.  However, by the end of the day, you’ll only have a T-shirt on, and the sacrifice was definitely worth it, because no one’s sign could have possibly been on your back for more than one minute.

If you can follow these instructions, and actually took me seriously, then you are definitely prankster* material.  In which case, check your back, because somebody may have taken preemptive reveng-watch out for that kick! Ouch, that looked painful.

*Again, I did not write the five letters P-R-A-N-K.  I said, “…you are definitely frankf’rter material.” (In which case, check your back, as a meat grinder may be sneaking up on you).

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