Are You Joking? Summer Homework?

Summer Homework LoadI have just come upon this shocking statistic: the African Eagle can come to a complete halt in twenty feet after flying at a speed over a hundred miles an hour.

Ridiculous.  And they say teen drivers stop and start too often.

Now, you may be wondering: what does this have to do with summer homework?  Nothing, frankly.  Unless your name isn’t Frank Lee (“frankly”), in which case this will be the basis of your summer homework research.

“Uhm, you see, Mr. Johnson, I couldn’t do my summer homework because the African Eagle, which, by the way, can fly over a hundred miles per hour and stop within twenty feet, abducted Frank Lee.” (Now you understand why it has ‘nothing’ to do with Frank-I couldn’t have warned him ahead of time or he might not have been abducted).  This is a terrific homework excuse.

On a more serious note (maybe an Ab. Wait, wait, no need to Google “how to tie a noose,” I’ll stop with the dismally funny and yet hilariously bad puns), I think that summer homework goes against the motto of summer, which is “NO MORE HOMEWORK!  YESSSSSSSS.”

Now, really, I don’t understand why teachers insist on giving summer homework.  Summer isn’t like lunch or (how many of you remember) recess.  It isn’t an overflow time for misbehaving children.  “Billy, you shouldn’t have detonated that land mine under Suzy’s desk.  Please stay after for five days of summer-you can sleep in the closet.”

Summer is supposed to be fun! With homework, how will you possibly be able to find time enough to complete the list of fun things to do this summer?  You’ll be too busy procrastinating until at least mid-August.

Having done extensive demographic research (read: I finally dug that magic Ouija board out of the closet and let my dog chew it up) I know that there are a few unlucky readers, maybe even you, who don’t have any summer homework.  Unlucky because I will track you down, reader, so beware.

Beware, for my rage over summer homework knows no boundaries.  I’ll probably even sic my friend’s cockatoo on you, which has been known to fly at speeds over fifteen miles an hour, and stop within two inches, after flying into a window.

However, I feel it is fair to tell you which classes give summer homework, so you can make sure that, after you’ve grown up, your kids are placed in these classes.  One example that comes to mind is AP [insert normal subject], because “AP” means “anything’s possible.”  This refers to the fact that so many obscure little details are learned in these classes that “anything possible” is found in the textbook.  For instance, I got my African Eagle fact out of the textbook for AP Western Civilization.

Actually, that’s another complaint I have about summer homework: the textbooks.  Or rather, the lack of them.  You see, students enrolled in advanced classes are deemed to be too irresponsible to remember to feed and water their textbooks once a week over the summer, so we aren’t actually allowed textbooks.

For English, this makes sense, because we only need to get a book from the library.  For a class such as AP Western Civ, though, you are presented with a photocopy of the chapters you will need.  I’ll stop for a second and remind you that the only reason they use large black round weights for gym weights instead of AP textbooks is because textbooks are too heavy (meaning they didn’t come in increments of less than 10 pounds).

This means that your photocopy of the three chapters you need probably caused the death of an old-growth forest.  That isn’t the only problem, though.  You see, for people like myself who figure that a long plane ride is the perfect time to do your summer textbook reading, this causes many problems.

For instance, the TSA.  Personally, I have nothing against the TSA.  I am forever grateful to the TSA for keeping America’s planes shampoo free.  However, they do cause a few homework-related problems over the summer.  Let me give you this scenario:

TSA officer (behind x-ray machine for carry-on luggage): Hold on a sec-what’s this?

Me: What’s what?

TSA officer: What do you mean, what’s what? I say, who’s on first?-[oh, sorry, scratch that, they really say]-Hmmm-mmm.  Ronald, come take a look at this, will you?

[I break out in sweat, knowing I will probably miss my flight even though it has been delayed indefinitely].

TSA Ron: Oh, wow, Doug.  Yes, we’d better take a look at this.  Hey, kid, come here.

TSA Doug: [unzipping bag] Jeez, it’s heavy, whatever it is. [Pulls out photocopied textbook].

TSA Ron: Hold on, is that a staple!?! [Pulls out radio] We have a 23-14, repeat, a 23-14.  Backup, stand by.

TSA Doug: That’s a lot of kindling you’re trying to take on the plane.  What’s your reason?

Me: It’s uh, uh, my summer reading homework.

TSA Doug: Right, like you would ever need to know [looking at the textbook] whatever is in Chapter 21.4.  No teacher would be cruel enough to force their students to read this much over the summer.  I don’t think that’s your reason.  [Meanwhile, TSA Ron has pulled out a metal implement of some sort and is delicately removing the staple]. Haven’t you heard of the new paper regulation? Four sheets a person.

Me: But….I need that to do my homework.

TSA Doug: Yeah, right, and you’re the good guy of this story.  Sure.  [Takes textbook and shreds in a nearby receptacle]

While this example may seem positive (I now have an absolutely amazing excuse for not doing my homework) I still missed my flight.  Also, I might have decreased my chances of getting into college-it’s pretty competitive these days, and if anyone ever found out about this, who knows.

Regardless, though, I think you can understand why I am just a teeny-bit FURIOUS-ous-ous-us-ss (echo) that I have summer homework.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to go put some bird feed on the pile of Alcott books in my backyard and see if a crow will fly away with them.

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  1. hahah I love the TSA dialogue!! I don’t have anything against the TSA either but last December I got put into a clear sort of holding cell in the middle of the Orlando airport and they didn’t tell me why until a couple of minutes later when they swiped my hand with some Purell-like substance…. it was weird. I’m still pretty confused about that.
    But yeah, homework over the summer is the worst!! But I guess I’m pretty “unlucky” though because all I have to do is read Of Mice of Men… again.
    Great post!!

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