It’s going to happen. It’s inevitable. There’s no avoiding it. No, I’m not talking about the eventual election of Honey Boo Boo as our nation’s 236th president. I’m talking about your phone going off in class.
No big deal, right? Society is so used to cell phones that it’s now unusual to see a four-year old holding a banana up to his ear; there’s no need, since he’s already got a cell.
Sure, it can be embarrassing to have your phone buzz, beep, ding, or play awful music (which, to be fair, sounded good the first six thousand times the phone rang) during a conversation. But you’ll just apologize, silence the phone, and get on with life, right? YOLO: You Only Let it ring Once.
Wrong. You can’t allow your phone to make any indication it exists. Teachers’ cell phone policies these days range from confiscating it for a day to selling it on Craigslist. It’s even worse in science class: perhaps your teacher will use it to demonstrate the corrosive properties of Hydrochloric Acid, or to show an object free-falling from three stories up.
Obviously, you can’t allow your teachers to get their hands on the only thing connecting you to your life-sustaining social media accounts for most of the day. Without these, you’ll experience symptoms of social media withdrawal, such as tremors, headaches, and, in extreme cases, seizures, until you can get to a computer.
Someday, though, it’s inevitable that your phone goes off during class. Maybe you forgot to silence it, or turn off the app notifications for all 4,355 of your apps. Most experts agree that the logical next step is to make an excuse, in the hopes that your teacher won’t confiscate it. Excuses you’ve probably heard/used have included:
- Sorry, I forgot to silence it this morning.
- I could’ve sworn I told my mom not to call me during school hours, ha ha.
- When I let my friend borrow my phone they must not have turned the sound back off.
- Oops, that’s my weekend alarm going off. My bad.
- I just got a new phone and haven’t learned how it works yet, ha ha.
- My dad was going to call me when my dog got out of surgery.
- I was just on the phone with my Grandma and must have forgotten to turn it back off.
Now, these are all pretty basic. They all appeal to a teacher’s sense of forgiveness. Since, however, schools no longer hire teachers with that sense, these often won’t work unless you are a terrific actor or have great puppy eyes.
Rather than using one of these unbelievable lines, I suggest you instead employ one of these updated excuses:
- When I let my dog borrow my phone he must not have turned the sound back off.
- Sorry, I forgot to silence my friend this morning.
- I was just on the phone with my weekend alarm and must have forgotten to turn it back off. My bad.
- Oops, that’s my Grandma going off.
- My mom just got a new phone and hasn’t learned how it works yet, ha ha.
- My dad was going to call me to tell me to turn the sound off.
And of course we won’t leave you without giving you the 100% success rate, one-time only, do-or-die, perfect excuse for those times when your teacher is planning to send your phone to the graveyard:
Sorry, I was just on the phone with my mom. I could’ve sworn I told her not to call my Grandma during school hours. Right before class I let my friend borrow my phone to call my dog. After they finished talking, I realized I forgot to turn my weekend alarm off, but before I could do that my dad called to let me know that my new phone just got out of surgery. So I was planning to turn the sound off but I forgot to, ha ha.
Keep these with you. Study them. Commit them to memory. They will save your phone someday; I just know it.
I’d love to keep talking about crazed teachers and confiscated cell phones, but I’ve got to go check to make sure I removed the sound chip and vibrator from the inside of my phone for tomorrow.
Last year at this time we were concerned with something a little more important to your life: “The Periodic Table of the Elements and You!” One of our more popular posts, this explains exactly why the periodic table has major problems with popularity.