8 Twitter Hashtags that You Should Be Using

Funny Twitter HashtagsIf there’s one thing that seems like it was invented specifically for teens—aside from driving, texting, and gum—it’d have to be the twitter hashtag.

Who else would want to randomly incorporate otherwise irrelevant phrases into messages? Aside from Shakespeare, who’s dead, only teens would want to, of course.

(For those of you that still think “twitter” is the sound that a bird makes, a hashtag is something that comes after the “#” sign. Usually, you can click a hashtag and discover just how badly it is being abused.)

Unfortunately, it seems that hashtags have become an acceptable part of society, which means that in the future TV newscasts will go from displaying hashtags at the bottom of the screen to simply writing them into the script: “Hello, I’m Rich Richardson here with your 6 o’clock news. Hashtag number sign, numeral 6, capital ‘P,’ capital ‘M,’ lowercase word ‘news.’ Our first story of the night deals with a sinkhole that mysteriously enveloped an entire Wal-Mart just outside the metropolitan area. Let me just say: Hashtag, Capital P, ‘prices,’ Capital P, ‘plummeting,’ ladies and gentlemen. Ha ha. Anyways…”

But, since people seem to have gotten used to the mildly to severely annoying trend of the hashtag, this means that teens, as pioneers of many stupid past trends—such as sagging pants or lenseless glasses—need to take our hashtag use to the next level.

In order to help you along, I’ve compiled a list of hashtags you could use as starting points. While some of them may already be hashtags, they are being used improperly; you’ll find the proper uses below.

#NoSleep

I don’t need to explain this one. All you need to do is attach this to tweets about stupid things you’ve done because you hadn’t had enough sleep. Eventually, if it catches on, we can use the #NoSleep tweets as evidence in a massive class-action lawsuit against society, the government/education complex, Canada*, or all three.

An example of a properly used #NoSleep might look like this:

“that morning when you accidentally put the toaster in the fridge and the orange juice in the outlet…#NoSleep”

*Because they probably don’t have very aggressive lawyers, although they do have money.

#Bringitback

Remember the earlier mention of how teens are really good at starting stupid trends? Well, sadly, we aren’t very good at sustaining them. So, tweet about an old trend you’d like to bring back, such as: 9 button texting, dial-up internet, silly bands, MySpace, Velcro light-up sneakers, pencil-top erasers, the word “hip,” the Harlem shake, etc.

“my legs are sooooo HOT right now its 70 degrees out. wish I had some zip-off pants #BringItBack”

#GraphingCalculatorProblems

Let’s face it: teens love complaining. In recent years, this had led to a number of dumb phrases in the form [insert group] problems, such as “Rich people problems,” “Popular people problems,” and “Rich popular people problems” (those are joke examples. The only problem rich popular people have is that I just made fun of them).

The point is, I’d like to see some actual problems, to lend some credibility to the phrase itself. Obviously, as teens, one of the types of problems we’re most familiar with is graphing calculator problems, which is why this would be such a useful hashtag.

“don’t know the right y-window settings to find the max and zoomfit didn’t help #GraphingCalculatorProblems”

Or,

“can’t integrate 5x+3 over 3×2/3 and don’t know what to do! Heeeellllppp! #GraphingCalculatorProblems”

#Hashtag

What if, after reading your tweet, you don’t see any way to attach a hashtag? You can’t tweet without a hashtag. And that’s where the #Hashtag comes in. If you don’t know what to attach, simply add it and you’ve now met the minimum of one annoying unrelated hashtag.

“My hamster just choked on a grape and died. RIP Chuckles #Hashtag”

#YOLO_SWAG_LOL

So, you’ve been trying and trying to figure out this whole hashtag thing, but you really don’t get it: sure, you use hashtags, but they aren’t annoying enough. All that can be solved with the #YOLO_SWAG_LOL hashtag. It’s especially useful if you don’t want people to remember the tweet itself; they’ll read the tweet, then read the hashtag and throw up, forgetting all about the tweet.

“here’s an embarrassing photo of me when I was like not as old as I am now #YOLO_SWAG_LOL”

#ThisShouldveBeenAText

Even if you’re not on twitter, you’ve probably heard about it: the private message addressed to only one or two people that really should not have been tweeted. Whether it’s tweeting an invitation to hang out at a super secret location, an inside joke, or simply a picture of a politician’s crotch, it just makes the tweeter look, well, like a tweeting twit.

After all, we have to wonder why it was a tweet and not a text. Did they lose their cell phone? Did they confuse the “Twitter” and “Message” icons on their phone? Or are they so naïve as to think that Twitter is simply a second SMS app? Whatever the reason, this hashtag should come in handy.

“@bob wanna hang by the fountain at ten tonite? Ill bring food #ThisShouldveBeenAText”

#IsItToTwoToo

There are three types of people in this world: those that know grammar, those that don’t know grammar, and those that know grammar just enough to think that they’re in the first group but make so many mistakes that they’re grouped with the second group. This is hashtag for that misunderstood third group.

I mean, teens aren’t grammarians, nor should they be. At the same time, many of us get slightly annoyed by repeated grammatical errors. So, if you’re using the wrong form of a word, or don’t know where to punctuate, just attach this hashtag. At the very least, people will understand that you were just too lazy to look it up.

“just saw a UFO land over theyre bye the tree too abduct some squirrels #IsItToTwoToo”

#LoveMyPhone

As the Twitter sensation spreads, more and more people tweet using their smartphones. Unfortunately, most smartphones have a feature known as autocorrect, which pretends to know more than you do. That itself is an outrageous idea—I mean, a computer smarter than a teen? Come on.

Anyway, avoiding autocorrection errors can be a pain, often involving retyping a word many times. If you don’t want to waste your valuable procrastinating time, you should just leave the autocorrection and attach a sarcastic #LoveMyPhone to the end.

“hey all I just bought some awesome shrews at FootLocker for $20 #LoveMyPhone”

#Conclusion

The next time you tweet, ask yourself: can I use any of these inventive hashtags? The answer is probably yes. And if it isn’t, well, here’s one that you can attach to whatever you like: #HighSchoolHumorBlogIsAmazing.

If you’re not on twitter, or you’re already using plenty of pointless hashtags, then you might be more interested in something all teens have to do at some point: in-class note taking. And yes, I know it’s awful, as detailed in “The Horror Known as Note-Taking.”

How to Use Phones (For Teens)

PhonesfunnyIt’s obvious that nobody uses phones anymore, aside from salesmen, pollsters, and caring robots that go out of their way to let you know that your prescription is ready to be picked up. Even your grandmother uses Skype (which means, at best, Skype has another two years before it becomes outdated).

Why do we even still have phones? Well, mostly because adults, somehow, still find a use for them. This is reason number 45 why adults are uncool.

But for teens, a phone is more like a desk sculpture. It looks like it belongs on your desk, and watching the blinking lights is way more fun than doing your homework, but you’ve never really used it. Or touched it. Or even realized that if you wanted to, you could call someone, right now, and actually hear their voice. Scary.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to come off as better than you just because I did call someone over the phone last month, for about two minutes.* I see no reason why you should spend much time on learning to use a phone; it’d probably be about as useful learning cursive. But in case you wanted to, needed to, or tried to use a phone, you should know how.

*The conversation went mostly like this:

Me: Hello?
Friend: Hey man whassup?
Me: ’s Phil.
Friend: Yo Phil why you calling me, bro? Somebody die? Multiple people die? Oh man, don’t tell me that the Taylor Swift concert already sold out.
Me: What? You like Taylor Swift?
Friend: Uh, I never said anything about her. Must be a faulty connection or something.
Me: Oh. Well, I wanted to ask about the English group project.
Friend: Why didn’t you text me?
Me: I had a lot to say.
Friend: It’s called e-mail, dude.
Me: I wanted to make sure you got it.
Friend: Man, you could’ve just used registered FedEx and I would’ve hadda sign for it.
Me: Good point. I’ll text you the basic details and send you an email with more info. And you’re still P.O. Box 3268, right?
Friend: Yeah whatever man. I gotta get off the phone now; it’s giving me a headache.
Me: How do I hang up?
Friend: Just hit the button.
Me: Okay.
Friend: HELLO? DID IT WORK?
Me: No that just put you on the speakers. I’ll go ask my parents how to hang up a phone.
Friend: Ok. See ya.

When To Call

As you can see, there is little reason to use phones to actually call people. This means that you should use a phone call in a very limited number of situations.

The first is obviously when a reply is urgent. This includes things such as when you’re injured, when you’re getting married, or when you can’t find the peanut butter and you’re home alone.

The second is if sound is an important aspect of communication, and you’re not able to skype/facetime because there’s no wifi (so, in someplace like North Dakota). If you really need urgent feedback on your interpretation of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” then by all means, call your friends. You might even consider making it a conference call.

How to Call

Really, how hard can it be? You just have to dial some numbers. Right?

Wrong. First of all, if you’re calling someone long distance, you have to dial 1 or 9. You also have to locate the phone app on your smartphone, which is less used than Apple Maps.

Secondly, after you’ve dialed, you have to understand the sounds you hear. If you get “Bum-Dee-BEEP: I’m sorry, but this number is no longer active,” or some other error message, you have the wrong number (this may seem intuitive, but if you think about it, calling back in an hour and hoping the number is re-active, or more active, or awake, or something—I really have no idea what that message means—would also make sense).

If you hear: “Bzzeep-Bzzeep-Bzzeep-Bzzeep,” that’s a busy dial tone, and you should call back when the person gets off of the phone. I promise you that if you are calling a friend, you will never hear a busy tone, because if this is a person who used their phone regularly, you wouldn’t even have considered being their friend in the first place.

How to Start Your Call

If you’re calling an adult, they are way more familiar with phones than you are, so you don’t need to say much more than your name. If you’re calling a friend, however, you need to make it clear why you called rather than texted/Facebook-messaged/emailed/snail-mailed/telegrammed them.

While your reason might sound fine to you, I guarantee teens hate being called. It means we have to drop whatever we’re doing, or balance a phone on our shoulder. Plus, we can’t take our time in replying like we can with a text or email, so it’s incredibly mentally strenuous. There’s a reason that we text in incomplete sentences; it’s the best our brain can do without spending a half hour on each text.

So, you need to add to drama to the situation.

Let’s say you’re calling because your history group project is due tomorrow, and you need to let your friend know what they are supposed to do. In that case, your initial intro would sound something like this:

“Hey, it’s Phil. Sorry to call, but our history project is due in like 6000 seconds, and I need to tell you what part you’re doing or else we’ll get a D- and my parents will revoke my driving, internet, eating, bathroom, and sleeping privileges. And also the other group members are holding me at scissor-point and forcing me to call you.”

In conclusion, I’d like to remind you that “with great power comes great responsibility.” Sure, you now know how to call someone, but that certainly doesn’t mean you should. And if you do need to call someone, just play it safe: only call teens who you wouldn’t mind accidentally putting on speaker in front of your parents, and teens who are generally nonviolent, if they choose to retaliate.

As finals conclude and the second semester gets underway, you may be starting some new classes. In that case, you’re probably in need of “The Only Guide to Class Syllabi that You’ll Ever Need.

4 Winter Styles to Keep You Warm

Liar liar pants on fireWhen it comes to fashion advice, we all know that the only authority better than a teen boy is a poodle. Since poodles are terrible communicators, though, most people just listen to teen boys.

As a teenager myself, it would simply be unfair to keep all of the good fashion knowledge secret. Especially the brilliant winter fashion we come up with.

Winter fashion is unique due to its two distinct schools of thought. The first is that there is no such thing as winter fashion; you might as well wear your basketball shorts, short shorts, short-short shorts, and invisible shorts regardless of the outdoor temperatures. The second thought is that you should wear something that looks like you wrapped a bedspread around yourself, so that you can stay warm.

Clearly, there are downsides to each course of action. You can look great, until you have to amputate a leg due to frostbite, or you can feel great, and look like an obese grizzly bear. Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to both look and feel great.

Set Your Shorts on Fire

Shorts allow you mobility, fashion, and fashionable mobility. Sadly, they expose your knees down (in guys’ case) or your nose down (in girls’ case) to the wild temperatures of winter.

But, if you set your shorts on fire, they will actually keep you warm! Obviously, however, you need to wear fireproof underwear and spray flame-retardant on your legs to stay safe*.

All of a sudden, you’ve taken shorts and made them even cooler, or shall I say hotter. As you’ve probably witnessed in your chemistry class, teens have a fascination with fire that springs from a combination of stupidity and an absence of intelligence (stupidity). Thus, if you liked how shorts looked, you’ll go crazy over just how cool burning shorts look.

*This might not be enough to keep you safe. As a general rule, it is often unwise to set clothes on fire, especially if you’re the one wearing them. I’m telling you this because I know that you, just like any other sane teen, paused for a bit and actually considered trying this.

Wear Ear Muffs

I honestly can’t say what happened to the earmuffs; they appear to be a fashion creation that was never in style. The history of earmuffs seems to go straight from the “concept” stage to the “outdated dorky phase,” entirely skipping the “stupid, but new and cool accessory” phase that carried the popularity of things like sillybands, powdered wigs, and neck ruffs.

Regardless, earmuffs are supposedly very good at keeping your ears warm. Thus, the only thing you need to do to make them fashionable is disguise them. The best idea is to draw your choice headphones’ logo on the outside. Then, if anyone asks you about them, just tell him that you’ve got the new “shag-carpet” model, and that you would offer them a listen but the bass sounds so intense that you don’t want to stop listening yourself.

Live Sheep Shoes

Girls have a slight advantage in the feet department, because it is already fashionable to wear “Uggs” boots lined with sheepskin. Even as an expert on fashion, I can’t tell you why the company decided on that name, because when you see something that looks horrible most people exclaim, “Ugh! That is so Ug-ly.” Nevertheless, they seem to be here to stay, at least for longer than the whole “rubber boots with large unattractive handles for putting them on” fad.

Teen boys, however, don’t have the ability to wear sheepskin or wool footwear, unless Nike decides to scrap the futuristic “lunarlon” material and go back to stones and animal furs. The only option, then, is to buy some live sheep.

Now, don’t worry. I’m not about to tell you to mercilessly butcher some mammals. No, all you really need to do is sew one sock on the top of each of your two sheep. Next, just slip your feet into the socks. You won’t even have to move your legs, because it’s basically like riding two sheep. The best part is that not only will you have the added warmth of the sheep bodies, but that you will also never get your feet wet stepping in puddles again.

Aluminum Foil Gloves

The cruelest reality of winter is that your body produces more than enough heat to keep you warm. Nature, however, absorbs all of that heat unless you wear clothes. Thankfully, aluminum foil is terrific at reflecting warmth, so if you want some warm, cheap, and, most importantly, stylish gloves, just make yourself a pair out of aluminum foil.

Don’t whine about how aluminum foil can be sharp, or about how you tried to throw your gloves away after lunch. You’ve got style and warmth. Besides, now your hands can double as solar ovens or Tupperware covers. Plus, you can wear these gloves when you feed your sheep, to avoid getting bitten.

Hopefully you’ve taken something away from this highly futuristic, highly fashionable, and highly secret list of winter wear advice. Even if you only leave this post with a singed pair of shorts, at least you’ve learned just how dangerous high fashion can be. Now, I’d love to continue to discuss warm winter clothing options, but I’ve got to go sew myself a neck ruff, ‘cause nobody uses a scarf anymore.

2012 Election: 3 Reasons Why the Voting Age Should be Lowered to 15

Funny ballot picture.As part of the media in the U.S., here at High School Humor Blog we feel that it is our duty to throw out some election predictions:

  • Ohio goes to Bob “Robert” Bobson, the T.V. repairman, because he did a wonderful job fixing all of the Ohio TVs that bore the brunt of citizens’ anger at having to see yet another political attack advertisement.
  • Florida goes to an unnamed crocodile who successfully executed a state-wide voter intimidation scheme.
  • North Carolina goes to South Carolina in the elected merger after voters reveal that they are sick of having two different Carolinas.

Okay, now maybe that wasn’t all true. Florida may not have gone to a crocodile; I heard that a 15-foot anaconda was also planning some sort of shady election bid. And sure, in addition to Bob “Robert” Bobson, there were also some other, less famous names on some of the ballots, like Barack “Hussein” Obama and Mitt “Mitt” Romney, whoever they are.

My guess is, though, that you don’t really care. And why don’t you care? Because you can’t vote.

That means your opinion actually matters less than the opinion of someone like Lindsay Lohan, simply because you are supposedly too young. As soon as we compare things like the total number of DUI’s amongst all adults to the total number of DUI’s amongst all 15-18 year olds, I think it is clear who the more sensible group is.

Really, why can’t you vote? It would vastly improve our election process. The vote should be lowered from 18 to 15; any lower and you suddenly have junior high school voters, which is something that no country can handle.

The Teen Brain

The teen brain has been studied by thousands of scientists. None of those scientists, however, were teens. As a result, almost every single study has concluded that the teen brain is irrational, impulsive, and not fully developed.

Well, I’ve got some news for you: the real deal is that the teen brain is so much more advanced when compared to an adult brain that the scientists simply can’t understand it. Why else would teens have such better tastes in music? Thus, you want the citizens with the most advanced brains voting in the election.

Furthermore, by allowing teens to participate in elections, the US would give itself a scapegoat. It’s not the people’s fault that people like Anthony Weiner get elected; it’s just the teens’ fault.

The Teen Abilities

In addition to having a more advanced brain than adults, teens also have some very helpful skills when it comes to elections. The first of those is our frequently practiced bubbling ability. Thanks to our test schedule, we are incredible at filling in bubbles.

That means that votes would be easier to count and there would be fewer mistakes. Obviously, no computer will ever misread a bubble filled in by a teen. On the down side, however, it probably also means that whichever candidate is listed in ballot spot “C” will get the most votes regardless.

Another teen skill that is lacking in our elections is our ability to sum up coolness and popularity. Let’s face it: many of our current leaders are simply uncool. The only way adults have of assessing coolness, with their underdeveloped brains, is by comparing hairstyles. Teens, meanwhile, could compare things such as clothes and hairstyles.

The Teen Election Participation

Finally, allowing teens to vote would revolutionize our election participation. First of all, this would solve the annoying problem of attack advertisements run by candidates. We don’t watch TV, instead using things like the Internet, DVR, Netflix, or another brain-melting—-I mean, brain developing-—mechanism of choice. So, there would be no reason to run attack ads, because no teen would ever see them.

Additionally, teens should logically be allowed participation in elections because the issues apply to us. We’re the ones who are going to be paying for the $800 billion million trillion zillion thousand quadrillion debt that the voters are racking up. That sort of debt makes the credit card bill of a teen girl after she’s finished clothes shopping look stellar.

Our election process works, but it’s far from perfect. If teens could vote, however, many of the US’s problems would either get solved or get so bad that the country would shut down. That’s a good thing, because countrywide shut down means plummeting gum prices.

With that, we’ll end this post right where it began: with a prediction. We at High School Humor Blog predict that by the 2016 elections, some teens are allowed to vote. Even if that includes only the 18+ year olds.

As was mentioned early on in this post, you probably didn’t get too concerned about the elections, although you may be concerned with the upcoming date of 11-11. In that case, you’re going to want “11 Things to do on 11-11-11,” which still applies to (only) 11-11-12.