13/2 Things that Give You Bad Luck as a Teen

A situation with a lot of bad luckI was wracking my brain for a post idea the other day, and I realized: I don’t know how to wrack.  Is that the action of, what, hanging up clothes? But that’s without a ‘w,’ right? Of course, after I contemplated what ‘wracking’ was for a few minutes, my brain ran out of charge, so I would have had to wait until I slept for 17 hours straight to use it again.  I still had no post topic, though.

Luckily for me, a devoted reader/commenter left a comment here suggesting I write about Friday the 13th. (If you would like to suggest a topic, feel free to do so in the comments of any post; your idea might not be guaranteed a post-for instance, if you suggested something like “Alpaca wool and it’s uses in Somali industry”-but ideas are always nice to have).

So, while I wanted to write about Friday the 13th, we all know that it is bad luck to write about Friday the 13th right before Friday the 13th.  Instead, I figured I would write about 6.5 superstitions that you may or may not be aware of (13x.5=6.5), all of which could have life-changing consequences.

1) The Gum-Wrapper Rip

When you unwrap a piece of gum, you should be careful not to tear the wrapper.  If you do, you must immediately toss the gum box and any remaining gum into a crowd of teens.  This way, when the bad luck arrives to follow the box of gum, it latches on to the wrong person.  You will know who was the unlucky one by noticing that their ears, teeth, and fingernails slowly turn into gum.

2) The Broken Lead

If your pencil lead breaks, mechanical or wood, you are almost certainly doomed.  Before you even contemplate where to get a pencil sharpener or more lead, you must take the broken piece of lead and give it a proper burial, complete with an engraved stone tombstone (to scale).  Otherwise, you will be plagued with a constantly breaking pencil.

3) The 5 Es

You are sitting in class, taking a multiple choice test, when you notice it: multiple-choice should have a dash between the two words. No, sorry, what you actually notice is that the last 5 answers have all been choice ‘E.’ Certainly, this cannot be right, as this never happens.  You are either doomed to worrying about this until you get your scores back, or (this is the only known solution) you can change one of those Es to a ‘C.’

4) Lying About Gum

You are still sitting in class, but now you have finished the multiple-choice test.  You take out some gum and put it in your mouth. The person next to you notices this gum.  Heck, the person six seats away smells the gum and looks up.  A crowd of gum-starved teens begins to gather outside the windows, looking in menacingly (and you are on the second story of your school, amazingly).  Then the question comes: “Can I have a piece too, please?” What can you do? You lie: “That was my last piece, sorry.”

DO NOT LIE ABOUT GUM.  Otherwise, the lie will come back and bite you (no pun intended) in any number of situations.  Picture this: you’re lying on the gurney, about to go into surgery, when the doctor says: “Sorry, but we are out of anesthetic.  You’ll just have to undergo the brain surgery without it.  Also, who taught this kid Phil to write? Two colons in the same sentence? Someone out to give him a Colonscopy, whatever that is.”

5) The Substitute Teacher Cursing You

Teacher’s all have their ‘evil’ stares, but, as a teen, those should hurt you only as much as getting hit on the head with a ping-pong ball.  What I’m really talking about are the rare instances when you’ll have a substitute teacher who is actually a witch/wizard in their spare time. If you receive any bad looks, then you should probably stay after class and offer your first born child if they’ll lift the curse.  Otherwise, you might be stuck with something such as never-ending hiccups, or worse.

6) Seeing Your Teacher Outside of School

It could be a supermarket.  Or a gas station. Or a tanning salon.  Wherever you are, it is always bad luck to see your teacher outside of school.  Not only is it extremely awkward, it is also guaranteed to alter your actions in a negative way. For instance, you might be talking to your friends later in the day, and suddenly start correcting their grammar, causing you to be dropped out the nearest window.

6.5) The “Gee-I-Bet-You-Don’t-Live-To-Be-20” Scenario

You were minding your own business, taking a test in class, when you notice that you got E as the answer to the last 5 questions.  As you try to change one, though, your pencil lead breaks.  To console yourself, before you go outside and dirty your hands in the lead cemetery, you take out a piece of gum.  However, you rip the gum wrapper.  The sound alerts the other 30 kids in the room to your gum, and all of them shout: “CAN I HAVE SOME GUM, TOO?” You reply: “It was my last piece, sorry,” but then throw the box into the crowd to avoid the bad luck of ripping the wrapper (say ‘wilbur wright ripped the wrapper when he wracked and wrestled the wrangler jeans’ six times fast).  This disruption causes the Substitute teacher to look over and curse you so that every time you blink you grow slightly shorter.  By the end of the day, you are only 3 feet tall, so you go to a supermarket to buy foods that should help you grow.  When you are there, though, you see your regular teacher, who was buying chicken soup because they were sick.  This causes you to mention it to your friends, who want to know: “Why was you at the store, again?” You correct them (“Were, not was”) and get punched a few times.  As the doctor prepares the stitches, he says, “I’m sorry, but I just used my last good needle. You don’t mind if I use a rusty nail, right?”

Students Become Fungi as Finals Begin

 

MushroomBy: Gnott Mie-Reellnaim

Readers: I have written this as I assume it would appear in the NYT.  Apparently, the NYT doesn’t focus on these serious issues, instead spending time on more lighthearted issues.  For instance, yesterday’s online front-page headline was something like, “Fleeing Romney takes refuge on Turkey Syria border as FDA reveals new sunscreen regulations.”

A shocking new report has been published, telling how thousands of students will settle in to hard metal desks and be evaluated on their ability to bubble in circles this week.

The report comes from the trustworthy and exceedingly perfect HighSchoolHumorBlog.com, an expert on the topic.

Apparently, this week marks the end of school, or the start of finals.  Finals stands for Finally I’m Nearly Almost Leaving School, as school is almost over.  “I can practically taste the lemonade by the pool,” quoted one student, before the chains attached to his legs dragged him away.

Another student recalls the finals of last year: “They were very long, but we did well, as a school, I think.  That year, we only lost about 19 people.” As detailed in the shocking report, the students of America are forced to achieve a passing grade on the exams to move to the next grade (in numerical order ascending, except for kindergarten, where, instead of moving up to vegetablegarten, students go to first grade).

A few parents were “outraged” by the report.  One stated, in a call to the publisher, “I am OUTRAGED that my child actually has to receive a 70% or higher to move on.  I mean, not even the pros bat that average.  Tackle him! I ask that-somebody better guard that guy, guard that guy, c’mon now-the study be modifi-GOALLLL!-ed.” It is assumed that this parent was watching curling at the time, or maybe a Russian ballet, but the quote was included to give a fair and balanced analysis, and because we are paid by the inch.

Also, it could have given us an excuse to put in a picture of a Russian ballerina, which, like most pictures near newspaper articles (excluding the ones where the author drew a self-portrait using a pen that only works if you smack it against the paper and make a dot), would be extremely relevant.

According to the report, common tasks for finals include in-class essays, questions-and-answer type quizzes, math, and open-heart surgery with a mechanical pencil.  Sometimes, there is the unconventional true/false question.

Not many people at a nearby high school we ‘checked out’ (to give this article credibility) have any opinion on finals.  In fact, when asked why he looked like a train wreck that had been genetically modified, one student replied, “I…no sleepy last night.  My brain…oatmeal…didn’t breakfast…studying.”  This profound statement gives much insight to the findings of the report.

Now that you’ve read this far, we feel it is fair to actually tell you what the report says.  It states that, “The average health and function of a high school student deteriorates…until, after all of the finals are over, the student….will be not much more than a mushroom, the kind that look edible but aren’t actually so.”

Since us, at the news desk, didn’t quite understand what this conclusion meant, we e-mailed the report publisher.  In particular, we were stuck on words such as ‘student.’  After being assured that we would not reveal our source, the author of the report (who can be found, for those curious, at HighSchoolHumorBlog.com) gave us the definition of student.

According to him, “student” is a non-gender-specific term used to refer to an unpaid laborer who has not yet learned time-management skills.  Also, our news staff went the extra mile to go the full nine yards with the story (although, for those math whizzes, we’ll tell you that yes, we understand a mile is actually only seven yards) and learned that a “mushroom” is a type of fungus similar to a newborn child, in that they both look innocent but aren’t actually so.

In fact, in a heroic act of superb investigative reporting, the vice-news-editor gave his life by eating a poisonous yet unassuming ‘mush-room’.

Regardless of our intelligence levels, though, we can rest assured that we are smarter than the author of the report, who trusted us not to reveal his location (HighSchoolHumorBlog.com).  With that, we wish the “mushrooms” of America good luck in the next couple days of finals.

Readers: Summer is fast approaching (2 days, or less if I move to Australia) and I want to know if you have any opinion on what I should post over the summer.  Short stories? Regular posts, only about summer instead of school? Fake news articles, like this one? Personal narratives? An increase in illustrated posts (I’ll have more time)? An announcement that I am running for the 2012 Republican Nomination? Comment or e-mail me and let me know.