3 Ways to Stop a Social Uprising

Rioting crowd

Do you know what’s going on in London, right now? I do: some little kids at King’s Cross Station just brained themselves on a post that they ran into, hoping that they were wizards.  Oh, on a lesser note, there seems to be some sort of massive protesting happening as well.

In case you didn’t know, according to the BBC: “The protesters are between the ages of 13-20, uneducated, radical, foreign-born or first generation British, troubled, underprivileged, single-lunged, cross-eyed, chain smoking, serial exercising, double-jointed, six-eyed, and scared of the dark.” So, it’s pretty clear to me (as it appears the BBC is a reliable source – Bumbling-ly-accurate But-my-imaginary Creation) that the protesters are at least teens, regardless of the fact that they come from planet Zorkexyl-V.

Now, if you add that to the fact that there were some other protests this year, such as everywhere else in the whole wide world, you begin to realize something: today’s videogames just can’t seem to keep teens occupied enough.

Take Egypt.  Disregarding whatever the BBC said, many college students used social media to stage their protests.  In fact, many people have called the protests various versions of “Social Media Uprisings”  (some of my favorite nicknames for the protests include “Overthrowing Governments-You, John, and 3,492 others like this,” “Attack of the Twitter Whale,” and “Tahrir Square: Click to Publicly +1 this”-never mind, Google+ came a little too late.  Those Google Data Miners sure missed some great opportunities).

Regardless of the various aspects, the fact that the protests are now appearing in London proves that these protests can spread just about anywhere.  In that case, you should be prepared ahead of time.  As most of the protesters/rioters are teens, there are a few things you can do in preparation to stop the protests.

Stock Up on Gum

Yes, this solution is so simple you might have missed it.  All you need to do is stock up on immense amounts of gum, and then you have a few options.

Option one is to bribe the protesters to stop in exchange for gum.  Even if they plan on taking the gum and then resuming, they will be too busy chewing to communicate with each other.

Option two is to lay a path of consecutive gum strips away from your population center.  Not only will the mob of rioters follow it out of town, they will also destroy themselves in the fight for the strewn-about gum.

Option three is to shoot the gum, using rubber bands, plastic spoons, or other weapons that can be found in a high school cafeteria.  Again, it is a double positive; you will injure the protesters mildly, discouraging them, and then they will be too busy fighting for the gum to remember what it is they are in a group for.

Hijack the Cell-Phone Towers

Protesting can become a long, multi-hour ordeal.  That means the only way the protesters can check their Facebook and Twitter profiles is using their smartphone.  Thus, cutting down and destroying the nearby cell-phone towers will quickly disperse the riot crowd.  Many will immediately rush home or to the nearest library to see if they have any new friend requests.

Hit Up the Costume Store

If the previous two options don’t work, you should use this as your last-ditch attempt to stop the protests.  Last-ditch because the costumed person may end up, um, dead.

See, all you need to do is find, buy, or create a costume of one of the most-hated characters by teens (or at least teen boys).  Pop singers such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black would be good choices.

Then, find some creative way to choose somebody for the unpleasant task.  I’d recommend taking the 5 fastest people and holding a race.  The 3rd fastest gets chosen (but don’t reveal that before the race is over).  After all, you don’t want the protesters to give up.

Once you’ve got your costumed decoy, have them run in front of and then away from the protesters.  When faced with overthrowing the government or finally getting revenge for all those songs you got stuck in your head, every single teen will choose the revenge.  If you are lucky, the runner makes it to at least the next town before being captured.

For all you know, the protests will soon be in your town, so I hope you take these preparations seriously.  If not, then you should put all your money in a foreign bank (I want to give a specific country, but I don’t want to give bad advice; no telling who’s economy goes next) and run, or you could take the Syrian approach and rent some tanks.

Quiz: How Long could You Survive without Gum in High School?

Just a chart with gumYou know what it is. You see it at the store. You need it to survive. What is it? In case, somehow, you haven’t already figured it out, it’s gum. Just how long could you survive without it in high school? Take this quiz, hit submit, and find out.

Readers: this is the first quiz of this blog. Please comment and let me know whether or not you like it, and if you’d like to see more. This is not going to become a quiz-only blog, but a quiz now and then might provide a nice break in-between regular posts.

1. What are your eating habits?
I only eat what I manage to catch with my bare hands in the wilderness.
I eat three meals a day.
I eat five meals a day.
I never stop eating.
Dude, eating is overrated.
2. How does your breath usually smell?
I can’t smell my breath.
I am told that it smells like a garbage dump on a hot August afternoon during a skunk fight.
It doesn’t really matter, because my eating habits keep people away.
I am told that I have “dog breath.”
3. If you saw/smelled someone next to you with gum, what would happen?
I would ignore it.
I would imagine how luscious and refreshing the gum must taste.
I can’t smell; my nose was bitten off by a dog that thought I had stolen its breath.
I would jump up and tear the gum from between their teeth.
4. What is the average sugar % of your blood?
23% (I observe Halloween every day)
12% (I ate kid’s cereal for breakfast this morning)
4% (A cookie a day keeps the doctor away)
0.002% (One of my parents is a dentist)
5. How much do you value physical appearance?
It’s not what’s outside that matters; it’s what’s inside that counts. Unless you are bleeding, in which case your insides are on your outsides and the line gets blurry.
My clothes budget is larger than the federal debt.
Not much. Unless I am leaving the house.
Not at all. People scream when they see me walking down the street.
6. Which would you rather put in your mouth?
Rubber.
A pencil eraser.
Mysterious chemically bonded substances.
Paper
Organic fruit.
7. When was the last time you had gum?
Within the last hour.
I’m chewing some right now.
Within the last week.
Within the last month.
August 12th, 2008.

5 Ways to Avoid Being Caught with Gum

Caught GumMost teachers allow gum in the classroom, because they realize that they will have a rebellion on their hands if they don’t.  However, for those teachers who do outlaw this life-giving substance, you need to know how to avoid their wrath.  Therefore, I’ve compiled a list, after extensive research (read: I asked my pet dog), of the best ways to avoid being caught with gum.

1). The coughing fit.

When a teacher asks if you are chewing gum, violently start coughing.  Really get into it.  Cough as if you are trying to get your lungs to come out of your throat so you can whack the teacher with them. Then bring your hand to your mouth and spit the gum out into your hand.  When the teacher finishes her inspection, start coughing again, slipping your gum back into your mouth.  Finally, when the teacher sends you to the nurse’s office, tell her that you are fine; you simply had an allergic reaction to the homework assignment.

2). The false tooth.

This involves a massive budget and a few surgeries, but is simply perfect and undiscoverable (no one has though of it until myself, I believe).  Have an experienced (note: experienced) dentist hollow out a tooth and place gum in the newly created hollow.  Move it there with your tongue when the teacher inspects the class, where it will be hidden.

3). The distraction.

Everyone is happy with this method.  All you must do is pass gum out to everyone in your class.  The teacher will be too busy disciplining them to punish you.  The students are happy because they get gum, you are happy because you don’t get caught, and the teacher is happy because she can finally prosecute somebody (most teachers wanted to be lawyers, originally).

4). The soliloquy/monologue.

Again, this method banks on the idea of distraction.  When the teacher asks if you are chewing gum, stand up, walk to the front of the room, and break into a long, symbolic, monologue/soliloquy of Shakespeare’s.  First the teacher will be surprised, then they will be impressed, halfway through they’ll become bored, and by the end of it, the teacher will be asleep (the rest of the class, needless to say, fell asleep around when the teacher became impressed).

5).  Tetanus (aka ‘Lockjaw’).

Tell your teacher, at the beginning of class, that you stepped on one of the many prominent sharp and rusty nails in the hallway, and that you are worried you could get tetanus (explain that a puncture wound doesn’t leave much of a mark).  Therefore, you must keep your jaw moving throughout the class, not because you have gum, but because you don’t want it to lock up.

5 Authentic Ways to Ask for Gum

If you are a high school student reading this, your first reaction was similar to a dog hearing the word ‘squirrel’.  If you are an adult reading this, let me explain something to you.  When someone has gum at high school, the person next to them wants gum.  And so on.  It is a massive chain reaction happening faster than a lawyer can lie to a politician’s hot air (this was originally two different jokes that crashed on highway 5 of my brain).

Although I have no experience in this area, I would have to assume gum to teenagers is like money to normal people.

There are a few problems with using gum, but only one of them is important.  That is the fact that I’m sure that the production of gum somehow kills a rare form of endangered beetles that are lobbied for by a small but powerful group of people, all of whom will be angry that you bought gum.  However, if you are mooching the gum, you’re good to go.
In fact, to further add to this problem, I have compiled a list of the best ways to ask for gum.
  • “Please give me gum…or else I will sic my fish on you.”  This is the most compelling way to ask I could come up with.  A polite ‘please’ and a subtle threat, all in one.
  • “Just this once…I’ll never ask again.”  This works only six to ten times, depending on the IQ of the teen with gum.
  • “DUDE, YOU HAVE GUM?!?” This ensures that even if you don’t get any yourself, the person with gum must share with those within earshot.
  • “Are you against child slave labor? Wow, so am I. Who would have guessed?  How ‘bout some gum for your human rights buddy?”
  • “Yo, hit me wit some o’ dat gum, bro”.  Obviously, you are cool enough to deserve gum.
Feel free to adapt for the workplace, if you are so ruthless (if you are reading this blog and find it funny, then you fit that definition).  However, don’t expect my sympathy when you get pegged with ‘excessive mooching’ and a federal fine up to $250,000.