2 Years of High School Humor Blog

2yearsofblogTwo years ago yesterday, I opened up a web browser and recorded the guiding philosophy of this blog: “This is the first post of this blog, but, hopefully, assuming those investors on Wall Street don’t pull out after this, this is not the last post.” Now, I’m proud to announce that Berkshire Hathaway is buying HighSchoolHumorBlog.com for the small sum of $56 billion.

No, that’s not actually true. I don’t have any Wall Street investors, and nor do we (well, I, really, although when I say “we” it sounds way more professional, like I have a team of staff writers and marketers behind this blog) want any. The real truth is that: that was certainly not the last post. And that’s what this is all about.

Two years ago, this blog went from a really poorly planned idea floating around in the mostly-empty brain of a teenager to a really poorly planned blog floating around on the Internet. This post marks that two-year anniversary. (If you care for this sort of sentimental, reflective, statistical retrospection about as much as you love those pop quizzes on material you are supposed to “remember” from eighth grade—yes, they exist, trust me—then you might want to stop here, check out the archives, and read an older post).

What is a Blog Without Posts?

The most popular post published in the last year is “The Best Excuses for Being Late to Class,” (with 2,011 page views) while the most popular post of all-time has become “The Best Homework Excuses” (with 5,812 page views). Clearly, one can draw the conclusion that teens are very responsible, timely people who take great pride in honesty.

The least popular post published in the last year is “The Essential Guide to 4 Common P.E. Sports,” with a whopping 24 page views. We will not even tell you what the overall least popular post is, because after reading it you’ll wonder how anyone who could write that badly is legally allowed to continue blogging. And, we’re worried that it is actually illegal to publish writing that bad and we don’t want to go to jail.

In the past year, we’ve published 78 posts, and High School Humor Blog now comprises a total of 205 posts containing approximately 178,000 words. We promise you that we would have stopped long ago if it weren’t for that fact that we are reasonably* sure at least 2 people regularly read this blog.

*Reasonably. But one of those people might also be a rogue captcha bot, and the other one is definitely my pet fish, so we aren’t 100% sure.

We Love Comments.

This year, we received about 204 comments, and I think we succeeded in replying to every single coherent, non-spam comment. Even if you just want to mention that the post’s picture reminded you of your cat’s finger-painting, we’ll respond.

Comments are terrific ways for you to tell us what you do/don’t like about the blog. You can also just speak your thoughts, especially if you’re thinking about starting the next Facebook or Google and want to, y’know, just give us a basic overview of your idea.

If you took the time to leave even 1 comment in the past year, we greatly appreciate it. If not, well, what are you waiting for? Feel free to comment on any post.

Readers

The maximum number of readers logged by Feedburner in the past year was 252, meaning we’ve picked up 65 readers in the past year. It’s not terrific growth, but it’s definitely better than losing readers. I extend a personal thanks to everyone who reads this blog, because, although it’d be great to have Wall-Street investors, that’s the real reason we’ve continued to post.

Extra Thanks

There are readers. There are commenters. And then, there are people who share content. Those are the people who deserve the extra thanks. So, if you’ve shared our content on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or by E-mail, or are one of the 27 amazing people who have liked our new Facebook page (something you should definitely do right now, if you haven’t), give yourself another 5 minutes until you start that homework. You deserve it (and you know you were going to procrastinate anyways, so now you can feel even better than normal while procrastinating).

In addition to the people mentioned above, we’d like to thank every blog that has sent us readers in the past year. These blogs are: (I cannot endorse any of the content, while I’m sure it’s wonderful, because I don’t have time to read everything ever written on these blogs and I don’t want to get sued. But you should definitely check them all out, because most of them are also run by teens, and because if they like this blog, well, then you’ve already got something in common with the author. They are part of the reason we have not thrown our computers against the wall after one year)

Upcoming

This blog will be updated for as long as I (yeah, “we” just doesn’t work here) am in high school, and I’m only a junior right now. Unfortunately, due to the sheer amount of work that accompanies junior year, I’ve had to cut back from posting once every 3-4 days to posting once every week. That will probably remain until summer.

Once summer arrives, though, you may be looking at a redesigned, updated, bigger, better, cooler, swaggy-er blog. Just a heads up. Additionally, we may—may—consider revealing our/my true identity at some point in the next year (in case you were unaware, Phil is a pseudonym).

Other

Other stuff you might want to be aware of in regards to this blog:

  • We’ve now been blogging for ten times as many days as most celebrity marriages last.
  • We’re switching to a new photo creation program, so prepare for our pictures to get worse as we learn how to use it, and then better as we actually use it properly.
  • This blog is actually funded entirely by Arctic Pelicans, who hope to someday infiltrate the impressionable minds of teenagers and convert them all into anchovy fishermen.

Thanks for being a part of this blog. Without you readers, we wouldn’t exist.

If you’re curious where we were after just one year of blogging, you should check out our one year “blogoversary” post.

2012: A Year in Review (Teen Edition)

(Due to the nature of a humor blog, this post omits the devastating tragedies that befell the US this year. Such tragedies ought to be remembered, but not in a humorous tone. Therefore, recognize that the omission of these events is not because they aren’t important and saddening, but because it would be hugely disrespectful to reflect upon them in a humorous commentary.)

Just some year numbersI was severely disappointed when the world didn’t end on December 21st, 2012, for two reasons. First of all, I knew that whatever aliens/robots/undead creatures rose up to destroy the earth, I’d be spared. There’s nothing aliens like more than laughing at pitiful attempts at earth-humor, and if you make a zombie laugh, well, its ribs sort of shake off, and then there’s not much to worry about after that. Secondly, I knew if the world didn’t end, I, along with the rest of you, would have to go back to school after the holidays.

But before we get too caught up with 2013, it’s important to know just what happened in the past year. And since teens everywhere spent the entire year focused on nothing but sleeping, talking about sleep on Facebook, tweeting about getting no sleep, and instagramming pictures of our beds, we have absolutely no idea what happened.

Fortunately, there’s a thing called the Internet that has lots of info about the past year. Unfortunately, most of the sources present the information using big words and confusing references (who was Richard Nixon, anyway? Is he on the twenty-dollar bill?), so I only gathered a basic understanding of the past year. But, using techniques familiar to us all, techniques that come in handy in making that essay about the use of the word “an” in “Huckleberry Finn” fill five pages, I’ve still managed to write this post.

The World/Universe

As you may remember from our last year in review post, the Middle East had sort of exploded. This year, it continued to explode, while the world tried to ignore it. Syria has gone from “a bad place to live,” to “dude, the real estate prices are negative.” Turkey wants no part in the conflict, and so, logically, it has promised to involve itself if Syria involves it.

In other global news, NASA landed its rover “Curiosity” on Mars. The rover was originally bound for Neptune, but due to an intern at NASA headquarters falling asleep at a crucial moment, the rover instead got sucked in by Mars’ gravity. Thus began a massive-cover up operation by NASA to make it seem like the rover had actually been headed to Mars the entire time.

Also, the Summer Olympics happened in London. The Mayor of London had planned to hold them in the spring, but because of the possibility of rain, they were moved to the summer. The most notable part of the London Olympics was the opening ceremony, which was sort of like Advanced Calculus: they both look impressive, but nobody had any idea what either of them mean.

Nature

Unlike last year’s Irene, the hurricane that hit the East Coast this year was actually a hurricane. Nicknamed “Sandy” by a meteorologist who’d recently divorced his wife of the same name, it unfortunately flooded parts of the East Coast.

One theory behind Sandy’s unusual path was global warming, which continued to slowly cook us. I personally felt the earth increase in temperature by .0000007 degrees Fahrenheit, and I had to start using four or five bottles of antiperspirants a day as a result. Because the green party candidate lost the presidential election, it is predicted that by 2050 we’ll all be either dead or very tan, and scientists, after being exposed to Jersey Shore, are unsure which is worse.

Politics

The presidential candidates of 2012, after putting on an amusing and suspenseful show, all lost the election. President Obama was re-elected, mostly thanks to Bob Smith, who was, somehow, the tiebreaker vote in both Ohio and Florida. Newt Gingrich didn’t mind too much, though, as Geico promised to offer him a mascot position once the gecko retires.

After the election, Washington DC was immediately plunged into the fiscal cliff problems. Sadly, almost nobody has any idea what the fiscal cliff is, because the American population is so fed up with watching “IMPORTANT” or “BREAKING” political news that they’ve all started watching infomercial channels instead.

Teens

Teens were not the focus of many of the top news stories. This is probably a good thing, because most news stories featuring teens also feature kidnappings, runaways, car crashes, petty crime, or a combination of all of those.

As a social group, teens outpaced both adults over 30 and kids in the tech sector. “Instagrammed” and “Snapchatted” both joined the list of verbs that makes your English teacher take a flamethrower to your paper.

This Blog

In 2012, this blog did many things. In case you missed it, at 11:00:02:54:22:09:42 AM, on April 14th, we handed out one million dollars to every visitor. Thankfully, no web service is fast enough to achieve that precision, and we gave out exactly 0 million dollar prizes.

We also started our Facebook page, which features everything but our actual faces. If you’ve yet to check it out, you should definitely do so, as the entire “about” section is original, factual, never-before seen* content.

*since it’s “never-before seen,” I actually have no idea what it says. But “original” and “factual” seem exciting.

Overall, 2012 was clearly a year to remember. There was a presidential election, the battle of Gettysburg was fought, and mysteriously, the people in the Roanoke colony vanished. But now, we can truly get excited, because 2013, by definition, ought to be the year of the teen.

If you didn’t even know that it was 2012, about to be 2013, then you may also want to catch up on 2011. In that case, check out our guide to 2011, Teen Edition.

How To Handle Horrible Holiday Gifts

In the 1900’s, teens invented sarcasm as a coping method to deal with the utter uncoolness of adults. With it, teens were able to express their criticism of all uncool things* right in front of the adults’ faces. Sadly, after about 60 years, adults learned to recognize sarcasm.

*which includes everything save certain other teens, the word “cool,” and this blog.

As the holiday season begins, teens have to mentally prepare themselves for the difficult experience of receiving gifts. Now, you might consider receiving presents a largely positive experience, and not a difficult one. You might be thinking that that last statement is more wrong than the fact that gum now costs 400,000% what it did in the 1900’s. But, let me ask you this: what do you do if you get a gift you don’t want?

What Not To Do

It’s the first night of (political correctness ahead) your winter holiday of choice. You’ve gathered with your immediate family (sitting on the sofa), extended family (gathered in various places about the room), and hyper-extended family (sporting a lively medley of various appendages in slings). You open the gift from your great-aunt Marge, which is short for Margarettalonacia, and it’s…unspeakably awful.

The “I Love It” Response

You: Gee, Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge [Played by Professor Umbridge]: I knew you would love it.

You: Hold on one second. I want to run to the bathroom to wash my hands before I open it; I’d hate to dirty it. [You run to the bathroom, and turn on the faucet full blast. The rest of your family can hear what sounds like vomiting over the noise of the water]. Sorry about that. Anyways, thanks so much for the crocheted wool tube socks that come up to my thighs. How did you know that I love socks like that? Plus, you covered the socks with a pattern of various math equations! My favorite.

Aunt Marge: Oh, it was nothing, just a little intuition. Okay, well, actually, I asked my friend, an 80-year-old kindergarten teacher, what gifts are good for teens, and she suggested this gift.

You: Wow. I really appreciate it.

Here’s what’s wrong with this response. Sure, you didn’t anger your aunt, but let’s face it: you just expressed love for socks so ugly even Justin Bieber wouldn’t wear them to a meeting with the Prime Minister of Canada. Next year, your aunt will have mentioned to all her friends that you just adored the socks, and you’ll receive 18 more pairs of socks from her clueless friends.

Since you “love” them so much, you’ll be required to wear them whenever your aunt visits, and, since your aunt visits you at times of family gathering, you will become the laughing stock of your cousins. You’ll receive nicknames such as “poodle,” “leg-sweater man,” and “furry thighs.” Eventually, your self-esteem will be so decimated that you become incredibly shy, to the point where even photographs of other people make you anxious. To solve this, you spend the rest of your life in a metal filing cabinet. Needless to say, your life is ruined.

The Sarcastic Response

You: Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge: I knew you would love it.

You: BLAAAAARGH! Sorry about that. I throw up when I get super-excited. I’m sure we can clean that Oriental rug. Anyways, thank you so very much for this autographed copy of “Quantum Physics in Relation to Extended Metaphors Present in Shakespeare.” I can’t wait to read it!

Aunt Marge: Are you being sarcastic, young man?! I can tell you secretly loathe my present. You know what? I didn’t have to get you anything, but I did. The least you can do is be thankful!

You [Dripping sarcasm, hoping Aunt Marge won’t notice]: I am. I sincerely love relating quantum physics to plays written before my great-great-great grandpa was born.

Aunt Marge: You lying boy! I am personally insulted.

After your aunt leaves, she tells all of her friends how ungrateful you are. Rather than being clueless, however, in this scenario your aunt has befriended the deans of all 4,000 colleges in America.

When you apply for college the next year, all systematically reject you. You end up attending a community college in Azerbaijan run by goat herders. Needless to say, your life is ruined.

The Honest Response

You: Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge: I knew you would love it.

You: No, actually, Aunt Marge, I’m speechless because I am repulsed by your gift. I don’t have the time nor want to watch this 67 DVD box set of “The Most Boring Shows of the 1960s.” I think that you must have awful taste, although I thank you for the thought. BLLAAAAARRGH! Wow, this gift was so awful that I actually threw up. I haven’t thrown up since 6th grade.

Aunt Marge: You ungrateful boy! What’s wrong with this wonderful gift? Do you know how much it cost? It was in the 4 digits! All wasted! I will never speak to you again!

As fate would have it, the next week your aunt wins the MegaLottoPowerBasket-ball, winning a 90% stock share in Google, Apple, and China (the country). Every single other person in your family becomes a billionaire due to the generosity of your aunt.

You don’t get rich, of course. And, to express her dislike of you your great aunt pays everyone you ever come in contact with $5 each time they say “You ungrateful boy!” Eventually, the strain gets to be too much, and you move to Tajikistan, where people still shout at you “You ungrateful boy,” although it’s no longer in a language you understand. Needless to say, your life is ruined.

What To Do

Now that you’ve wised up to the folly of the above methods, you’re probably wondering what to do when you inevitably receive a gift you don’t like. Sadly, taking a sudden vow of silence for religious reasons is not the answer. If it was that easy, the entire teen population would remain silent for all of January.

Choose Your Words Wisely

You: Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge: I knew you would love it.

You: BLAAARGH! Oh no, was there, uh, salt in the food we ate for dinner? [Dad nods affirmatively]. I totally forgot that I developed a salt allergy [Dad is about to interject with disbelief]…an hour ago! Sorry about that. Good thing we didn’t give the cat a bath yet today.

Anyways, Aunt Marge, thanks for this cool fax machine. The nice thing about fax machines is that you only need one, so I’ll never need another. I bet I can learn a lot by putting it together. I can’t wait to send a fax to my friends; they’ll think this is a riot [which is true, although for different reasons then you imply]. You know what would be awesome? If next year I got an Amazon gift card so I could spend some time picking out stationary I’d like to use for faxing.

Aunt Marge: You’re welcome. I’m so glad you like it. In fact, since we have such similar tastes, why don’t you take this solid gold bar I found in the gutter on the way here. I’m sure you’ll use it wisely.

Condemn a Family Member

You: Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge: I knew you would love it.

You: Um, it looks like it was made in…[squinting]…China. Oh darn, that’s terrible. BLAAAARGH! As you can see, I get nauseous around things made in China. I can only wear clothes made in Vietnam or Honduras, which severely limits my fashion choices to only 50% of the entire clothes industry.

I know, however, that Cousin Tommy has always wanted a deck of cards made of whole red bricks, so I am going to demonstrate the trait of generosity, which I’ve learned by spending time with you, and give them to him. I know he will appreciate it.

Aunt Marge: Oh, that’s so kind. But I don’t want you to not have a gift. You know what? Take my new car. I think it was made in Europe, not China; it’s called a Rolls-Royce.

Be a Humanitarian

You: Aunt Marge, I don’t know what to say. [You begin to feel nauseous.]

Aunt Marge: I knew you would love it.

You: You know, I was just thinking. I love this VHS copy of “Rocks: The Journey from the Volcano to Beach Sand,” and I’m sure it’s a great movie, but I when I think about all of those poor dogs at the Humane Society, lonely and all, it just makes me sad. I’m going to donate your gift to the Humane Society so that the dogs will have something to watch and be, uh, entertained.

Aunt Marge: That’s so wonderful. If you ever need a place to stay when you are traveling in New York, feel free to stop by my penthouse.

It’s astounding how greatly the outcomes of your family interactions can differ based on how you handle getting unwanted gifts. If these methods could be applied to getting unwanted grades in school, then our lives would be totally complete, but as it is, I’m sure you’ll find this guide comes in handy when you least expect. Myself, well, I’m going to go buy a copy of “Molecular Microeconomics: For Dummies” so I can cross my great-aunt off of my holiday shopping list.

If you’re not even thinking about the Holidays yet, since we haven’t reached Winter Break, then perhaps you’re more concerned with your daily operation as a homework machine. In that case, you’ll find “Printers: Enemies of All but One,” published this time last year, pretty interesting.

Be Thankful for Thanksgiving (Or at Least for What it Used to Be)

Funny Thanksgiving gagThanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. There is time for family bonding, no school, a ton of delicious food, a parade, no school, time to watch TV, no school, and, best of all, a Thanksgiving Day parade of delicious food on TV so you can bond with your family while watching it because there is no school.

Is that all Thanksgiving means to us today? Has it become commercialized and fattening, just like every other holiday save Halloween, which is commercialized, fattening, and ludicrous? No, of course not. Thanksgiving has maintained an air of dignity throughout it all. Haha. Who are we kidding? It certainly has.

The Meal

It used to be that if you wanted a good feast on Thanksgiving, you would have to put in some elbow grease. And I mean that literally—the Pilgrims didn’t have any other type of grease to cook with back in the day.

You had to load up your rifle, bow and arrow, or cannon, and go out to actually hunt down a turkey. Now this isn’t hard, because a Turkey is essentially a walking, feathered, gobbling entrée. It doesn’t fly and it’s got a huge body, so it’s difficult to miss, even with a cannon.

But still, in the 17th century, when you killed that turkey, you felt the connection to nature. You had turkey guts all over your arms (hand gloves were not invented until the global cooling scare of the 1700s, which spurred the 18th century world into action, increasing carbon dioxide emissions to prevent an ice age).

Today, you just walk into a supermarket and pick up a turkey. The thing I want to know is: is it a turkey? Few of us have ever seen a turkey other than this plastic-wrapped hunk of bird at the supermarket. Most of us can’t picture a turkey outside of the two-dimensional clichéd one with a hat. For all we know, the supermarkets are giving us large chickens, or guinea pigs, or something.

The point is that the meal is too easy. You can buy mashed potatoes already mashed. You don’t have to grow your own corn. Thanks to advancements in genetically engineered farming, your pumpkin grows from its seed into an already-labeled can! What more can you ask, for the entire meal to come frozen, awaiting bombardment of radioactive particles in a microwave? Then I’ve got news for you.

The Entertainment

The people at the first Thanksgiving were very close to nature. They were so close, in fact, that the entertainment largely consisted of watching people vomit up the meal, since the turkey had been served raw and the pumpkins had been eaten whole.

Nowadays, all you’ve got are examples of greedy corporate infiltration, via TV advertising and the NFL. Sure, you’ve got the almost-historically-accurate Cowboys versus Redskins game, but think about it: Patriots versus Jets? Sure, it’s very realistic to have the American Patriots (who were probably too busy having tea parties to bother with a Thanksgiving meal) fight not one, but multiple Boeing 747s starting in 1621.

But wait—there’s more corporate entertainment! In between plays of those same football games, you can watch 30-second clips of smiling people waking up at 2 AM to go to sales. The commercials show you a few reasons to go to the sales: one, who needs sleep when you can buy a coffee-maker 40% off; two, you can increase your chances of being trampled to death if you attend; and three, well, the people in the commercial are obviously very happy, meaning that you’ll find joy in getting no sleep, waking up still full enough to explode, and driving to a store with 700 other dangerously-full sleep-deprived people, any one of whom could mentally snap and strangle someone at any moment.

The Travel

Just getting to your Thanksgiving destination has become a journey not to be undertaken by the faint of heart, the young, the old, the clueless, the lazy, the weak, the frail, or anyone with a last name of “Bieber.”

In 1621, the most you would need is a horse, some sort of path, and a saddle with some really good shock absorbers. It was a simple journey to whatever your destination was, and although you could die of cholera or hypothermia on the way, it was quite tranquil.

Not so today. You must follow a strict set of travel regulations, and you must also plan for your plan to be “slightly” delayed in the range of 6-19 hours. If you’re driving, then it’s slightly better, but you’re more likely to get lost. Thankfully, few pilots confuse airports with tennis courts, although it does happen.

In 1621, at the first Thanksgiving, I’m sure that the attendees had a crazy good time. Or at least I’m sure that they would have, if having a “crazy good time” wasn’t against their religious customs.

In retrospect*, though, I’m thankful that we’ve progressed from the original Thanksgiving. After all, you’ll notice I never mentioned dessert, which is the only thing (aside from the whole “no school” part) that really matters. That’s because our desserts are undoubtedly much better than the sweet-tasting tree bark and maggots, which used to be the only option.

*or circumspect. Or prospect. I have no idea what any of these words mean, but one of them sounds right when placed there.

So, for whatever reasons, be thankful for something this Thanksgiving. Sure, that’s the first time that idea has been introduced in this post, but you’re probably so used to hearing it that you didn’t notice until I mentioned it. So, I’ll say it again: velociraptors make good chefs. Okay, fine, I didn’t say that previously either. You caught me that time.

I might as well end it where we started: Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. You just have to be able to look past the fact that it is nothing like it used to be.

But maybe today’s Thanksgiving isn’t completely changed. We still preserve certain mealtime traditions, as explained in “Our Thanksgiving Traditions Come From Teens,” published at Thanksgiving of last year. Why a turkey? And how did anyone come up with stuffing? All that–and more–is revealed.