2012 Election: 3 Reasons Why the Voting Age Should be Lowered to 15

Funny ballot picture.As part of the media in the U.S., here at High School Humor Blog we feel that it is our duty to throw out some election predictions:

  • Ohio goes to Bob “Robert” Bobson, the T.V. repairman, because he did a wonderful job fixing all of the Ohio TVs that bore the brunt of citizens’ anger at having to see yet another political attack advertisement.
  • Florida goes to an unnamed crocodile who successfully executed a state-wide voter intimidation scheme.
  • North Carolina goes to South Carolina in the elected merger after voters reveal that they are sick of having two different Carolinas.

Okay, now maybe that wasn’t all true. Florida may not have gone to a crocodile; I heard that a 15-foot anaconda was also planning some sort of shady election bid. And sure, in addition to Bob “Robert” Bobson, there were also some other, less famous names on some of the ballots, like Barack “Hussein” Obama and Mitt “Mitt” Romney, whoever they are.

My guess is, though, that you don’t really care. And why don’t you care? Because you can’t vote.

That means your opinion actually matters less than the opinion of someone like Lindsay Lohan, simply because you are supposedly too young. As soon as we compare things like the total number of DUI’s amongst all adults to the total number of DUI’s amongst all 15-18 year olds, I think it is clear who the more sensible group is.

Really, why can’t you vote? It would vastly improve our election process. The vote should be lowered from 18 to 15; any lower and you suddenly have junior high school voters, which is something that no country can handle.

The Teen Brain

The teen brain has been studied by thousands of scientists. None of those scientists, however, were teens. As a result, almost every single study has concluded that the teen brain is irrational, impulsive, and not fully developed.

Well, I’ve got some news for you: the real deal is that the teen brain is so much more advanced when compared to an adult brain that the scientists simply can’t understand it. Why else would teens have such better tastes in music? Thus, you want the citizens with the most advanced brains voting in the election.

Furthermore, by allowing teens to participate in elections, the US would give itself a scapegoat. It’s not the people’s fault that people like Anthony Weiner get elected; it’s just the teens’ fault.

The Teen Abilities

In addition to having a more advanced brain than adults, teens also have some very helpful skills when it comes to elections. The first of those is our frequently practiced bubbling ability. Thanks to our test schedule, we are incredible at filling in bubbles.

That means that votes would be easier to count and there would be fewer mistakes. Obviously, no computer will ever misread a bubble filled in by a teen. On the down side, however, it probably also means that whichever candidate is listed in ballot spot “C” will get the most votes regardless.

Another teen skill that is lacking in our elections is our ability to sum up coolness and popularity. Let’s face it: many of our current leaders are simply uncool. The only way adults have of assessing coolness, with their underdeveloped brains, is by comparing hairstyles. Teens, meanwhile, could compare things such as clothes and hairstyles.

The Teen Election Participation

Finally, allowing teens to vote would revolutionize our election participation. First of all, this would solve the annoying problem of attack advertisements run by candidates. We don’t watch TV, instead using things like the Internet, DVR, Netflix, or another brain-melting—-I mean, brain developing-—mechanism of choice. So, there would be no reason to run attack ads, because no teen would ever see them.

Additionally, teens should logically be allowed participation in elections because the issues apply to us. We’re the ones who are going to be paying for the $800 billion million trillion zillion thousand quadrillion debt that the voters are racking up. That sort of debt makes the credit card bill of a teen girl after she’s finished clothes shopping look stellar.

Our election process works, but it’s far from perfect. If teens could vote, however, many of the US’s problems would either get solved or get so bad that the country would shut down. That’s a good thing, because countrywide shut down means plummeting gum prices.

With that, we’ll end this post right where it began: with a prediction. We at High School Humor Blog predict that by the 2016 elections, some teens are allowed to vote. Even if that includes only the 18+ year olds.

As was mentioned early on in this post, you probably didn’t get too concerned about the elections, although you may be concerned with the upcoming date of 11-11. In that case, you’re going to want “11 Things to do on 11-11-11,” which still applies to (only) 11-11-12.

4 Ways to Eat Your Halloween Candy

After 23 Pieces, it all looks the sameEven though you’re a teen, you probably figured out a way to gain candy this Halloween. As the old saying goes, “A person standing between a teen and his candy is trampled by the end of this sentence.”

Furthermore, since you’re a teen, you know that the immature tendency to consume all of your candy at once is a bad idea. If you do that, not only will you stay awake for six straight days, but you will also have used up all of your candy.

Finally, being a teen, you probably need some way to justify eating the candy, or at least an organized system to ensure that you aren’t left with the boring, nondescript candies at the end and no motivation to eat them. Remember, the goal is to eat all of the sugar in the best way possible. With that in mind, there are a few distinct ways to consume your Halloween candy.

Type

Thanks to great leaps of innovation in the candy industry, there are now fifteen million different ways to consume sugar. Honestly, one is all you need, but variety is always a nice change.

Looking at your candy, you probably have the following categories: chewy, sour, crunchy, extra-sour, gummy, super-extra-sour, nutty, and toxically sour. Sort the candy first.

Then, strategically plan just how you want to consume your candy. For example, maybe you eat the chewy candy last, because you think that you’ll still need your teeth to consume the rest of the candy. Maybe you have the toxically sour candy before the super-extra-sour candy, making the super-extra-sour candy taste sweet instead. Or, maybe you eat one of every category, causing your tongue to explode. Figure out what your desired effect is and then plan accordingly.

Shape

If you don’t care about the consistency as much as the shape, then this option is for you. Just like the previous way, you are going to want to sort the candy by category: shaped like a person or animal, round, rectangular, cubic, and organic.

Next, you need to eat all of the human and animal shaped candy first. Primarily, this allows you to fully realize how cannibalistic society is becoming. Secondly, by eating all of the candy with legs first, you ensure that none of it will have time to escape.

After that, consider whether or not you care if the candy is round or square. It’s all the same sugar, artificial sweetener, and “natural” sweetener. You probably don’t, at which point, perhaps you’ll consider:

Size

Size is a big deal when it comes to candy. The bigger the size, the greater the amount of sugar you can consume. To encourage people to give out larger candy next year, make sure that you mention that bigger candies have a lower wrapper plastic to candy amount ratio; as you know, everyone loves to be environmentally friendly.

But once you’ve got all of the candy, what you really need to consider is size and place. If you take a king size candy bar to school, you might be asked to share. Since it appears that you have so much chocolate, you’ll look selfish if you don’t share.

On the contrary, if you bring 50 or 60 fun-size candy bars and eat them throughout the day, people will never bother to ask: a fun-size candy bar is the equivalent of one bite. It’s called fun-size because it’s fun to open fifteen wrappers just to get three bites’ worth.

Flavor

Flavor is, for some people, the most important factor of eating Halloween candy. Some will eat milk chocolate and not dark chocolate. Some people will eat strawberry candy, but not berry-strawberry. Others will eat super-toxically-deadly-sour but not sour. The list goes on and on.

Thanks to flavor science, you have the option of choosing amongst billions of possible flavors. Just amongst the fruit flavors, you’ve got strawberry, berry, cherry, tropical berry, mixed berry, blueberry, Rick Perry, raspberry, wild fairy, black cherry, Wizard Harry, boysenberry, twelve yard carry, and very berry flavored candy.

The trick with the flavors is to make sure that you don’t make any poor mixes. Don’t mix root beer candies with mints, or caramel candies with mints, or even fruit candies with mints. Actually, just don’t mix mints with anything save chocolate and you’ll be fine.

These are all semi-rational ways to consume your Halloween candy. Each has logic behind it, and each makes sense, at least to a sugar-high, sleep-deprived teen like yourself. Because of all that, I am positive that you will ignore every way.

But as long as you get enough sugar into your system per day so that you are bouncing off so many walls it looks like gravity has vanished, you’ll be fine. It’s not as if any one of these tips makes it any healthier to eat candy; it’s still just as likely to rot out your brain as ever. But you don’t use your brain anyway, so what do you care?

If candy isn’t your thing, maybe you’re more interested in “The 5 Types of Group Project Workers,” brought to you this time last year. Which type are you?

The Best of the Worst: the Pre-Planned Absence

Just a funny pictureMissing school is no longer the picnic it once was. For one thing, it can be difficult to make up your work. For another, most picnic fields have become either cookie-cutter suburbs, landfill, or super-secret government military bases that stick out like a government military base in the middle of what used to be a field.

First of all, if you miss school unintentionally, it is probably because you are sick. Being sick is generally not fun, unless you have something like smallpox, in which case being sick is deadly.

Secondly, this creates a lot of make-up work, considering you have multiple classes every day. The solution here, of course, is to take only study halls and early releases, but some counselors catch on to that (although, if you’re lucky, they won’t notice until your junior year).

However, there is one absence that is fun.

The name’s planned. Pre, planned. And this absence is truly the James Bond of all missed school days, in that it also drives a really nice car and can do backflips.

Actually, a pre-planned absence is just that: a day where you know you will be gone ahead of time. This means you are probably going on vacation, or that you are psychic and can predict when you’ll be sick.

In theory, the big positive here is that you can pick up and do your make-up work ahead of time. In practice, the big negative is that you are supposed to attempt to pick up and do your make-up work ahead of time.

First, you have to pick up the form, and fill out the necessary information. Sure, your name isn’t that hard, but then the questions get progressively harder: your grade level, your reason for being absent, the number of seconds of school you will miss, your English teacher’s middle name, the meaning of life, and (worst of all) the dates you will miss.

Yeah, I meant what I said. The date is always incredibly difficult to discern, because nobody actually knows. Sure, you can look at someone’s watch or check your phone and then count from there, but then again, is it telling the truth? It’s not like you have time to count back from the year 1 day 1 up to today’s date to be sure. So, you have to take a wild guess. In my opinion, we are somewhere in years 60-65, so that’s what I usually put.

Then comes the part about talking to your teachers. You see, there are always a few teachers that, well, act like they are still teenagers. Whether this is because they actually are still teenagers, or because the “smart” teens are only smart because they stole these teachers’ brains, this is a problem.

For instance, it might go something like this (with a normal teacher):

You: Hey, Mr./Mrs./Ms./M./. [Insert name of teacher], I am not gonna be here on [insert date you think it will be, like May 15th, year 61]. I’ve got this pre-planned absence form, so can you please sign it and write what I’ll miss?

Teacher: Sure. Let’s see…you’ll miss that movie, and the pizza party, and the visit from Bill Gates when he’s going to give us all money for no reason. The homework is to write about the evolution of the use of the horse in North America as well as…[turning it over to fit the homework on the back]…to research thirty supreme-court decisions and create your own dissenting/agreeing opinion…[scribbling more homework assignments]…and read all of Ulysses, remembering to…[picking up a piece of scratch paper and attaching, because s/he ran out of room on the back]…and, finally, condensing all those things into a 3 minute powerpoint, with a minimum of 300 slides, each slide having at least 15 words and 2 pictures.

You: Wow…Oh, you’re joking. Good one, ha ha.

Teacher: No, I’m not, you sarcastic insolent fiend. Detention. And a referral. AND an expulsion hearing. Never doubt me again!

You: Well, thanks for signing the form.

However, if your teacher is one of those ‘teen-like’ teachers, it might instead go something like this:

You: Hey, Mr./Mrs./Ms./Duke of/Master [Insert name of teacher], I’m not gonna be here on [date, like May 23rd year 64]. Can you please fill out this pre-planned absence form?

Teacher: Um, sure. So, what do I do?

You: Well, first you sign it, to verify I talked to you.

Teacher: But I know you talked to me, because I’m talking to you now.

You: Yeah…[temporarily stumped by this logic, as it seems like something you would normally say]…but please just sign it.

Teacher: Okay. Here you go.

You: And you also have to write what I’ll miss and what the homework will be that day.

Teacher: Um, you’ll miss, uh, let me check my calendar. [Opens up calendar; every day except the next three days are totally blank, except for the few future dates that have comic strips drawn in them. The day you will be missing is blank]. Hmm, I haven’t scheduled it yet. Well, to be safe, let’s say you’ll miss the unit test, the pop quiz, group presentation, the super-important lecture on something I have yet to decide on, and maybe – it could be, yes, actually, I think you will also be missing the trigonometry exploration that is half of your semester grade. [Continuing to write] And the homework, well, I’m not sure, so to be safe please do every odd-numbered problem in your math book, and any “challenge” problem.

You: [Not going to make the “you’re joking” mistake again] Gee, uh, thanks [realizes that sounds sarcastic]. I mean, thank you sincerely. [Leaves class quickly, to go to lunch].

Teacher: Wait! Oh, darn. He didn’t let me tell him I was joking. [Starts laughing.]

Thus, it is a major issue getting the pre-planned absence form filled out. Even after you talk to all of your teachers (or, if you’re smart, you just talk to your study hall supervisor, six times) you have to take the form home and get a parent signature. Which means, being a teen, there is a 3,000% chance that you lose the form somehow. Meaning you have to talk to all your teachers again.

And so, while I’d love to talk more about pre-planned absences (I haven’t even mentioned the fun interrogation by the attendance secretary where they try to make you admit you forged your parent’s signature and every signature from your teachers, using bright lights, sleep deprivation, and good-cop bad-cop procedure), I’ve got to go. I think I left my pre-planned absence form and the attached 60 pages of work on the porch, and it just started raining with 80-mph winds.

Last year on May 5th, Year 60 (or year 2011, if you believe your phone/the computer/the watch; although I remind you that none of those things are human), we gave you “5 Steps to get rid of Steps.” Want to know why steps are bad? Want to know what to do about? Step 1: click that link.

The 3 Undeniable Positives of Valentine’s Day

A Candy BoxYou may not have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, or you may be torn apart by fighting girlfriends/boyfriends/crows* (in which case, you should definitely check out this post on adhesives, because you’ll need one). Obviously, both of these situations are unpleasant and unwanted, and both could occur on Valentine’s Day.

*No, I don’t mean that you are having a romantic relationship with multiple birds; I’m just trying to point out that there is a daily risk, however large or small, of being torn apart by crows.

Wait, but that can’t be right. Did I just say “unpleasant” in regards to Valentine’s Day? Isn’t that the day of love, happiness, and celebration, a day to be spent happily ever after? The answer is: no. You’re probably thinking of a Disney movie, unless there are parents present, in which case you must be thinking of a normal, un-Disney-fied fairy tale.

Seriously, we all know that Valentine’s day isn’t all that it is idealized to be. This is proven by the fact that Valentine’s day was, this year, a Tuesday in February. Have you ever experienced ‘happily ever after’ on a School Day in February? I didn’t think so.

(If you have, then please pretend you haven’t, so I’m not wrong. I hate being wrong. If you are not good at pretending, then I offer you this explanation: You were dreaming. In fact, you might be dreaming right now. This could even be a dream inside a dream…inside a dream. Still so sure of yourself? Nope. And the same thing applies to that question: pretend I’m right, or you might be dreaming. Okay?-Don’t answer that).

(Take that, DiCaprio. I just wrote a more confusing plot in one paragraph then you could portray in a whole movie). (I’ll stop with the parentheses now and go back to the post).

Regardless, there are some undeniable positives of Valentine’s Day, not the least of which being this: if you assume that more people take ‘romantic’ walks outside during Valentine’s Day with their partner, then that means there are many more people outside than normal. This dramatically reduces the odds that you’ll be torn apart by crows.

Here are a few other positives of Valentine’s Day:

The Candy

A whole 4 months after Halloween comes another holiday which offers expectations of candy. Actually, you don’t even have to wait that long, if you celebrate your winter holiday of choice, New Years, New Years Day, the weekend after Finals, and Groundhog Day with candy as well.

Of course, your teeth might rot out mid-January, assuming you continue eating Halloween-like amounts, but I hear that you can use a blender in these extreme cases (to grind up your candy so you can drink it, or even so you can IV-drip it into your veins. Ask your doctor if this is right for you).

Therefore, most wise people wait from Halloween until Valentine’s Day for another candy binge. This means that it is not uncommon to see cheap candy, or to receive candy from your friends, teachers, or elected officials on this day. (“Here, have some sugar, lovely constituent. What’s that-you’re still not going to vote for me? In that case, you can take candy from this special bag. Poisoned? Why would you think that?”)

The Events

Often, to celebrate this holiday (really, just to celebrate the candy), people hold dances, parties, competitions, or other events. These are often fun, and while they are no more romantic than usual, they allow for more opportunity to consume candy, or beverages that are basically candy dissolved in water (or dissolved in acid, depending on the resiliency of the candy).

The Cupids

This is probably the best part of Valentine’s Day, so I’ve saved it for last. I mean, on what other day of the year can you go outside and supposedly see babies out and about. These babies didn’t just master walking; they’ve learned to fly, plus they have mad archery skills! If I ever have kids, I am definitely going to try and ‘raise’ a cupid.

Of course, I’ve never seen a cupid, and neither have you, but I’m sure they exist. For example, take taxes. We’ve probably never seen a “tax” walking down the street/flying and shooting arrows, but our parents are convinced that they exist. Besides, cupids are found in the art of the Renaissance, and we all know that if it’s been pictured by a famous artist, it exists. (Yes, I’m sure that there is an actual room somewhere with melting clocks and a train coming out of the fireplace. It’s right next to the closet where they keep the failed cloning experiment byproducts: the four different color-tinted Marilyn Monroes).

Valentine’s Day is thus neither all good, nor all bad. What is? Even Sandusky is partly good; he had the “good” sense to get himself a lawyer. Regardless, if you consider the fact that Candy is basically gum that you are supposed to swallow, plus more sugary and available in more flavors, than I think you know why I’m counting the days until the next Valentine’s Day.

Readers: In just one of the new things I am planning on trying during this (blogging) year, I am going to highlight a favorite post written about the same time as each post at the end, but during the previous year of this blog.

Today, to start this off, I recommend you read “Poetry is to Me as Metal is to Microwaves,” about poetry, metaphors, and my failures as a poet. If you’ve ever had to read poetry, but aren’t a poet yourself, you’ll love this post (because you’ve got all that extra love you were saving for Valentine’s day, but were unable to use it because I was you were too busy stuffing your face with candy).